badgerden

I have been reading the threads here and seeing myself in many of the posts so will give a short little back story as an intro. I am an alcoholic, love my wine, been sober 2 years and now realize how much I was using wine to get through my days. Ironic isn't it? using a depressant to fight depression.

I am not suicidal, not self harmful, physically anyway I want to run away, take my dogs and leave, be secluded from everyone. I dream of having my own little she shed that will be mine, no one comes in. I love my husband would never cause him the pain that I would cause if I were to follow through. I dont know,,,,I seem angry all the time, I do not want anyone to talk to me, I dont want to talk to them, avoidance of everything and everyone.

My dr has me on 37.5 Effexor daily, I started taking it with no clue what to expect, should I be instantly happy? suddenly be the life of the party?? no idea I can just tell you that none of the previous have happened. I have been on it for 5 months now, and am going to talk to her about upping the dose (?) or adding something. I have been looking into books to read for self help and watching everything online for this.

Much like getting sober I am going at this on my own, I have tried to talk to my husband about this and he listens for a few minutes than changes the subject, so I just shut up and give up.

So this is my story such as it is, looking forward to reading what others have used to help them. just to put it out there I am not a journal writer, to paranoid about someone reading and knowing how dark my mind and soul are.

Take care all

Badge

Dee74

Hi Badgerden

I think a lot of people look for a miraculous change from anti depressants - and others fear a miraculous change.

what antidepressants did for me was give me a quality of life like what I saw in my friends lives - I still suffer anxiety, I still sometimes worry, I still get discouraged sometimes or even sad...I have good days and not so good days -but I have a base level of happiness and contentment.

I know that whatever is occurring at me from outside won't miss with my insides too long or too much.

To me now,looking back that is kinda miraculous - but it falls short of the expectations/fears I had about anti depressants making me into someone I wasn't.

I'm still me but a more balanced grounded me.
D

least

I would ask the doctor about increasing the dose as what you're taking now might not be enough to have the desired effect.

I remember starting zoloft many years ago and wondering how I'd know if it was working. I didn't 'notice' gradual changes, it was more like one day I realized I wasn't as depressed anymore.

So maybe you need a higher dose. Ask your doctor about it.

I didn't find that life was all 'rainbows and unicorns', it was just more bearable and I felt content for the first time in a long time.

It smoothed out the road, took out some of the 'bumps'. It levels the playing field for me.

I hope you and your doctor can work this out to your benefit. Hang in there, we care.

aasharon90

Surround yourself with lots of folks who understand
addiction and have found life in recovery is filled with
many rewarding gifts.

Even tho my family was instrumental in placing me
into the hands of those capable of teaching me about
addiction and recovery, they didnt have addiction problems
and thus didnt understand me inside and out. It became
my responsibility to take what I learned in a 28 day rehab
and 6 week aftercare program and do whatever I needed
to do to achieve a sober life for myself.

I learned where the support and understand was and
for one hour each day, sitting in many AA meetings, for
me, worked. I found a room filled with folks that were
strangers, yet we all had one common interest and a
solution that bonded each of us.

I didnt have to say a word, yet I knew I fit in and others
went thru many of the same experiences, strengths
and hopes as me to help me learn how to remain sober,
healthy, happy and honest on a continuous bases for
the past 29 yrs.

Grab a hold of as many recovery lifelines like SR
and with willingness and keeping an openmind,
dont let go so that you never have to be alone
in learning how to build a strong solid recovery
foundation to live your life upon for yrs to come.

Welcome and keep coming back..!!!!

Astro

All of us will have a different reaction and experience with medication, I had to have my Effexor dose adjusted a few times and also try taking it at different times of the day for the best effect. It wasn't that it made me happy, it just leveled me out, my happiness came from the companionship of others and returning to the things in life I enjoyed like the outdoors, music, and my children.

I would suggest consulting with your doctor, filling your life with people, and making those dreams come true a little at a time. Your she shed sounds wonderful

badgerden

Thank you all for your replies and support, I have a month or so before my appointment so in the meantime I am feeling motivated to learn what I can do to help myself get better. It is such a struggle and tiring putting up a "happy" face and "content" attitude for my husband, he doesnt deserve the mopie attitude that I tend to resort to. I try hard to put down the computer and pay attention to what he is saying, pretending to care and interact, making life easier for me, I know that is not the answer to my depression but it is what is working for me at the moment until I get my brain sorted out and on the right path.

badge

hopeful4

badge....I think it's called faking it until you make it. Some drugs work for some, some work for others. I think your plan of being intentional about making an effort is a good one as you may stumble across some other things that bring you pleasure.

Sending you a big hug and lots of support!

least

Can you not get an appt any sooner? Can you call your doctor to discuss this? I hope you can find some relief soon, and some joy too.

abgator

The only thing anti-depressants have done for me mentally is make me functional. I don't feel less depressed, lonely, or hopeless. I'm just active and functional while feeling that way compared to just laying on the couch watching tv.

It by no means made me happy or the life of the party. That's entirely an act for everyone else. If you're anything like me, don't expect the anti depressant to be a miracle drug. But then, as alcoholics, we've damaged our brains and no telling how long it'll take for it to function properly.

dox

Hi, Badge.
I haven't posted on here, or even logged on, for a coupla years. Your first post really struck a chord with me. I am a manic-depressive so i can suffer at both ends of the spectrum and i can't offer any experience-based advice as to your medication (although my dad was grateful to find effexor).
I spent several years in psychotherapy, but it wasn't until i reached rock bottom with my drinking that i honestly sought help.
I couldn't stop drinking on my own.
That help took the form of AA meetings and, eventually, working through the twelve steps. In doing so and opening up to my fellow alcoholics, i was able to free myself from the bondage of SELF. I know that may sound absurd, but it works for me.
I still occasionally entertain the fantasy of living on my own far away.
But, those thoughts are fleeting and i am happy to come back down to earth with my wife and two dogs.
Goodness knows, AA is not for everyone. But it saved me from myself and thinking about a drink.

Mind how you go,
Dox

Dee74

good to 'see' you Dox

how are things Badge?

badgerden

Thank you Dox, no worries on the drinking part I am not going to allow that to happen. One sip and that would literally be the end of my life, I feel that stronger than ever now. I would just keep drinking till the end occurred, so no, not an option.

I am maintaining Dee, thank you for thinking of me. throwing myself into exercising and diet, things that I can control. I am working hard on my mental outlook, keeping that dark hole I want to go to, covered and secured.

badge

least

Sending you hugs!

Neagrm

There are several different antidepressants and different ones work differently for people. You may need to try something else or a combination. It can take much time to get the right balance for you and is worth the effort. Best wishes. Hang in there. It takes time, and a good therapist can be supportive through the process.

dancook99

A partner who doesnt listen to me would make me angry too.

I withdraw into my own bubble of discontent.

10 years sober but not 10 happy years. Problem is my anger puts people off helping and I havent helped myself as much as I could have.

rharman