Alysheba

You do, Hev. ♥♥♥

Daisybelle

Hevyn xx

Alysheba

I'm feeling kind of lousy today. I'm starting to worry about my mom's mental health, or something else. She had a stroke a few years back and she is doing and saying weird, mean, outrageous things and spending a lot of money on weird things. She can't remember anything. Her doctor isn't back from maternity leave. I'm actually afraid to talk to her about it because she goes ballistic if you even mention her forgetting something. I'm living with it. Because I don't speak to my sisters and they aren't interested in my mom, I'm on my own.
Thank God I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow.

Dee74

I'm sorry you have to deal with that on your own aly but I'm glad you have a therapist to confide in - and all of us of course

D

abgator

I've come to my own conclusion that someone is just broken in my brain, lol. I've been to a couple psychiatrists and I finally found a CBT therapist/addiction specialist that I really like, but I've stumped a couple of them for that very reason: I have no notable drama. I had a great child hood, loving family, friends. School was good. I have a great career. In comparison to many people, I have a great life.

So why do I go through episodes of depression that make me not care whether I live or not? Not suicidal, just ambivalent. To say screw it, I'm going to drink, because I have to escape reality. The brain is broken. Or, as a science journal article on alcoholism that I read a few weeks ago said, there's a part in our brain that doesn't produce some such chemical related to GABA and that is the cause of our depression and the exact cause of addiction. Approximately 12% of people have that condition where the brain isn't producing that chemical, but they've yet to figure out how to make it do so.

It's a pickle, to be sure, but there's a lot of us out there. It's a shame that it was stigmatized for so long that it's only recently become ok to admit it publicly.

Alysheba

Thank you very much Dee. You are such a kind, beacon of light here. Thanks again!

Alysheba

I had a pretty bad childhood, but we were raised to always put on a good appearance. I worked a lot because I didn't want to be home. I always went to my horsebackriding lesson or work or to my friends. I was lucky because in high school, I had a great group of wonderful friends when I lived outside of Chicago, I always did very well in school. I had moved from another area around Chicago my sophomore year of hs. That was rough, because it took my a while to meet my friends. One of them came out here and she stayed with me for a while, then we kind of lost track of each other and she ended up dying. I went to her wake. I saw her mom and her daughter, who looked so much like her beautiful mother it brought tears to my eyes. Had it not been for her and her group of friends she introduced me to, I would have been miserable. I'm so happy I can look back at that time and think well of it. It helped me get past the craziness going on at home. I think a lot of people have craziness at home, but at least that group of friends, my riding lessons, and waitressing that got me through the worst.
Back then, I looked older than I was and they didn't then ask for proof of age or any thing. So I was like 15/16 y.o. and waitressing in some of the best restaurants, resorts, etc. in the Chicago area. Of course, my parents were oblivious as long as I was making good money and doing well in hs/college, pretending all was well. they were just oblivious as to what we were doing. People couldn't really tell my age. I was serving alcohol and had a lot of stress waitressing at these really nice restaurants at such a young age, but I made a lot of money.
When we, my sisters and I, were sort of close back then and we partied like crazy, and back then you could get all kinds of drugs you can't get now. But we always looked like we were perfect, it was part of it, did well in school, alway dressed well, all that stuff and we got away with SO much. Probably wasn't so good for us that things were so easy.
Oh well. I've been nostalgic lately. Forgive me and peace to everyone here and who need it. ♥♥♥

Dee74

I'm glad you got through all that Aly and are in a better place now

D

Alysheba

Thank you so very much Dee!!

PhoenixJ

Good to share, Aly.

Astro

Aly, isn't it amazing, the facades and faces we wear when we're active in our addictions? Then we clean up and the beautiful person inside us gradually emerges! Thank you for your share, we all understand each other a little more as our experiences come out. BTW I'm from Highland Park, IL so we have something in common

Alysheba

Astro, my dentist was in Highland Park!!! I went to Diablo Valley College in Glen Ellyn/Wheaton area for 2 years before I transferred to Florida State University, which was wonderful as I was away from my family. I would have gone earlier if I knew how much better I would be. Plus no snow. I thought Tallahassee was beautiful, and a small town. I'd never lived in one of those before. I loved it. Maybe I'll go back someday. I always loved that town.♥
Thank you for the support PJ. ♥
There is always so much more. I write a bit at a time. My childhood from start to finish was pretty much of a nightmare. I have been working for many years with professionals trying to banish my demons, some self imposed, others not so much.
Love all of you more than you know. Thanks for reading my post, Dee, Astro and PJ. It means a lot to have friends as wonderful as you all! ♥♥♥

Alysheba

and of course, my gal pal, Hevyn. She's more than a gal pal. Hevyn, you know you mean the world to me and have been by me almost my whole time at SR. You are an awesome soul. ♥♥♥

Hevyn

Aly - I'm glad you told a bit of your story - I hope it helps you to feel less anxious, knowing others understand & care. I'm sorry for all you've endured in your life. There are many different forms of abuse & neglect - some not obvious to anyone outside the family. Some we don't even realize until we look back & acknowledge what we've been through. I'm so glad you are now able to tackle these issues with a clear head. Much love to you.

Hevyn

Whoa - we were posting at exactly the same time.

Alysheba

Like minds....Thank you sincerely Hevyn. You really mean so much to me and thank you for your kind and meaningful words.

Alysheba

Another thing that occurred to me and wondering if anyone else has had something weird like this. I adored my father and he was the alcoholic! His biggest sin was benign neglect, but he was very smart, kind and very funny and charming when not using. I think my mom is a dry drunk, I'm not sure, but it seems like it. She was sober, but she was the abusive one, at least to me. Not nearly as much to my younger sisters and the youngest was her favorite, although I can't see that it's done anything for her but make her an addicted jerk. I used to pray they'd get divorced so I could live with my alcoholic father. Mommy Dearest, very pretty woman, was not the most empathetic of people.
Just a weird turn around.

Dee74

I don't think it's that weird Aly - sometimes we're more simpatico with one parent than the other?

neferkamichael

Alysheba, rootin for ya, Snoochies.

Alysheba

Dee and Nef,
You two are the best. Dee, very good point!! Thank you.
Nef, absolutely beautiful rose to make me feel better. Thank you too.
I'm so glad for the empathy and love here. ♥