KyleT

Christmas morning I shouldn't be like this I was thinking I could take a fatal dose of insulin and no one would know it was a suicide. Hard enough trying not to drop dead of a hypo as it is doing it the right way.

I can't get out of the loop of this thinking. I have no future they took any chance of happiness I would have had.

I used to go to AA on holidays if I was alone but I hate it now the talk is always " what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now"

Everyone else with any sober time gets their lives back they want me miserable and alone forever. I always lacked in the social skills department, that why I drank I thought it helped I can';t overcome being the guy that can't drive a car.

Hi nice to meet you, would you like to be my life partner a burden you have to drive around ? Ya sure.

They just want me dead and I want them to see my ******* dead body but they wouldn't care cause they know this punishment drives people to suicide that's what they want.

20 units of Humalog and this ****** existence, basically house arrest always being stuck is over.

Astro

Kyle, please take a moment to read through these https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html and while I understand your feelings about AA my personal experience has been that holiday meetings and Alcothons have given me a safe place during difficult periods of recovery.

ScottFromWI

Kyle - please call someone who can help - even 911 if you need to. All those thoughts you are having are your addiction talking, no one wants you to fail - quite the opposite really. Please call for help, suicide is never a rational decision to make.

Dee74

I hope you did get it and meet some people Kyle.

I don't know about NY, or driving laws but I do know you seem like a decent guy who has people in his life that love him.

Although this revocation thing hangs like a cloud, your worth and your life are greater than that cloud.

I hope you'll check in again sometime and let us know you're ok.

D

KyleT

Alcothon we got that.

Now until new years day. I do need to get up there I was a regular for years.

It just sucks that pride they talk about, I came in 2011 that place and did so well and there is that invisible competition at AA. Got this news the licence revocation I drank and drank the whole town that never saw me like that saw.

As much as the speaker meeting trigger me people telling of twice the DUIs I ever got getting in car driving home its that pride too. Got to be honest that's a big part.

Ill go, I am being stupid self inflicting isolation.

Thanks.

KyleT

Ive been around the block I know how to go to ER, same as when I used to have anxiety attacks and went, I saw suicidal people.

No people don't want me to fail but that system is designed to trap and get as much money as it can from people who suffer alcoholism or addiction before destroying them.

Nothing will convince me otherwise Ive seen too much. How many times people in treatment doing well forced to go home for a court date for the "crime" of addiction full of anxiety whats to come drink on the plane, start using and never come back.

How many times in the newspaper stories states crooked drug test labs dumping samples sending innocent people to jail for the "crime" of a relapse. Even a real relapse how does that help ? Shove them back to square one, add a little more ptsd, restart probation and get more money. Keep them miserable so they keep relapsing.

Maybe I am a little out there, I sort of believe fentanyl was put out on purpose like a eugenics thing to kill of those they deem undesirable.

Ok I got to stop, no one is going to contact me if I sound like a nut.

I am going to get back up to AA club. Being stupid no going when I have no real excuse not too. Isolation messing me up.

Thanks all talking to me on Christmas I was bad this morning. Yesterday making holiday phone calls "you have reached an automated voice messaging system... " getting pissed.

I should have went to alcathon.

Astro

Yes, it exists, but it doesn't mean everyone has to join in. I'm grateful to be able to surround myself with safe members of AA who have long-term sobriety and have shown that they care about me for years. That's available to everyone, but it's taken some work and determination.

If you made it to the Alcothon I hope you found it helpful and comforting.

KyleT

I don't , it took a little for them to realize I wasn't playing along.

I listened to all the lessons in treatment including the one on narcissism. I remember cause it described an old co worker so well. We have them in AA too.

inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need admiration, belittles others.

This one dude in AA - "I came here a big number of years ago and I got sober without a cushy treatment center... (admire me) (belittle you)

Always always bashing the treatment center people. Some of these types are downright hazardous. Turned me off in the beginning.

I play games a little bit, dude would hijack the whole meeting with his stuff (do AA exactly like him or you will never make it) and I would just talk about alcohol and bring it back.

Say something like "yesterday I was stressed out and thought of a cold beer but I know how that scam works, first I feel better for a little wile then the next day I feel sick and have far more rebound anxiety then the original anxiety drank the beer for in the first place. Its a rip off."

People would like that and then the guy is all irritated that I go "off topic"

YPG its too much, using the young people to get his admiration fix.

Oh well.

Tetrax

Damn that's pretty good man.

HeadEast

I never knew there was a "lifetime" revocation of driving privileges until you and one other guy posted it on this forum. I have no solution to that. Have you considered therapy or something like that? I'm just throwing out suggestions.

KyleT

I have talked to good therapists, ones I have known from treatment and being around recovery.

They just look at me not knowing what to say. I am pretty messed up. I got triggered by you using the word "privileges" scam word they use to take your rights away. People loose rights all the time after DUE PROCCESS OF LAW but those bastards call the right to travel a "privilege"

"The right of a citizen to travel upon the public highways and to transport his property thereon, by horse-drawn carriage, wagon, or automobile is not a mere privilege which may be permitted or prohibited at will, but a common right which he has under his right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Slusher vs. Safety Coach Transit Co., 229 Ky 731, 17 SW2d 1012, and affirmed by the Supreme Court in Thompson vs. Smith 154 S.E. 579.


After DUE PROCESS again the state can take rights, even take your life with the death penalty, whats next with these bastards life itself is a "privilege" they can just take at will ?? No Judge no jury just some bureaucrat who never even looked you in the eye or saw you in person says you don't get to live anymore ???

Judge told me one year revocation.

I have talked to therapist they cant do much for me.

I was in jail , I kicked my own ass the whole time that miserable place, I shouldent have let this happen , I knew the risks MY FAULT.

I DID NOT KNOW EX POST FACTO was legal now.

Maybe I would not have went out if the penalty was lifetime in 2009, the law did not exist yet.


The judge said one year revocation, you get your whole life back get sober start driving again help others do all the right things THEN ONE DAY 5 YEARS later out of the blue.

You did nothing wrong but.... You did everything right. but

WE CHANGED THE RULES after the fact LIFETIME REVOCATION.


What does a therapist tell me, practice acceptance that these cockroaches never even met me, never looked at me like the judge in my case did but destroy the rest of my life ???

What does a therapist tell me ?????

I cant just drive anyway like other people subjected to this, I am diabetic, they kill diabetics in jail.

I was not diabetic till AFTER I got this news retroactive revocation and fell apart and got sick THEY did this to me.


THEY WILL KILL ME.

"Cindy Michelle Arnold didn’t want to die.

She didn’t even want to be arrested, especially for violating her own protection order against her ex.

She pleaded with guards and medical personnel at the Jackson County jail to give her the insulin she needed to inject six to eight times a day to treat her Type 1 Diabetes, according to a lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court.

But as her condition worsened, the suit says, staff ignored her pleas for help."

DECEMBER 19, 2019 05:00 AM


/news/ local/ crime/ article238267348


‘She is still breathing, though’: Jail staff ignored diabetic inmate’s frantic pleas for insulin before her death in cell [Lawsuit]

by Jacquelyn Gray
December 20, 2019

/2019/12/20/she-is-still-breathing-though-jail-staff-ignored-diabetic-inmates-frantic-pleas-for-insulin-before-her-death-in-cell-lawsuit/

After Douglas Brown was booked into the Fulton County Jail for failing to pay child support, he repeatedly complained that he wasn’t receiving his twice-daily insulin for his diabetes. Despite his pleas, he missed doses and his health grew progressively worse.

Over the next 10 days, the 41-year-old Army veteran struggled with increasing pain, seizures, incontinence, confusion and lethargy until, finally, he was found dead on the floor of his cell with traces of vomit on his face.

/news/state--regional-govt--politics/for-some-prisons-and-jails-diabetes-has-meant-death-sentence/

Story after story after story

Rather do it myself then drive the car and give them the personal enjoyment of murdering me.

KyleT

If the law in 2009 included lifetime revocation I never would have taken the damn ride for cigarettes.

Entrapment

KyleT

Oh ya thats how Amerika works now

Fight with your bf gf or fail to pay child support they make you die from diabetic ketoacisosis.

All our lives are worthless to them

KyleT

Im back chilled out a little bit. Go down that rabbit hole its bad.

I am very analytical do the math on things, diabetic my age can't use a car ever again none of any of the dreams I ever had coming true.

What about the people killed by drunk drivers ??

I did not kill anyone, what about the people killed by texting and driving and how 1 in 6 drivers waiting at the crossing I wait at drive by with a phone in their hand ??

Call me that monster that deserves this then send a text behind the wheel, i see everyone doing that.

Very interesting though how they got their jollies watching the dude beg and plead for medical help then die of diabetic acidosis right in front of their faces for failure to pay child support.

Insulin is not cheap.

"People in the United States of America are dying from type 1 diabetes. For many people, the cost for life saving medications each month is the same as an average months’ rent - or more. How is an average American to afford this? When it comes to type 1 diabetes, people are facing unthinkable decisions – between the costs of living and their very lives – because they live with a non-preventable disease."

It was at this apartment, on Monday June 10, 2019, that his fiancée Rose found him lying on the shower floor unresponsive.

Josh had gone into Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA). The doctors medically aided this coma further in order to cool his brain in hopes it would reduce the swelling caused by the DKA. Josh had been alone at the time, so there was no way of knowing how long he'd been ill before DKA set in.

.............

Twenty-one-year-old Jesimya David Scherer-Radcliff might still be alive if he could have afforded his insulin. KARE 11 reported on Sunday that the Minnesota man had been rationing the insulin he needed to treat his diabetes.

...............

Think they care I have type 1 and need to get to doctors... I need to eart right. Cant use my F car.

I got speeding tickets as a teen 30 years ago, so F my whole life too many points.

..............

Twenty-one-year-old Jesimya David Scherer-Radcliff might still be alive if he could have afforded his insulin. KARE 11 reported on Sunday that the Minnesota man had been rationing the insulin he needed to treat his diabetes.
....................

Something tells me Douglas Brown the dude they murdered for child support was behind on child support cause they charge $330 fora vial of insulin that cost $5 to manufacture.

Google it "cost of making insulin". I dont make this up. Doesn't matter how many of us die they need profit.

"Put another way, the study estimated the cost of production for a vial of human insulin is between $2.28 and $3.42, while the production cost for a vial of most analog insulins is between $3.69 and $6.16, according to the study in BMJ Global Health."

I am the mental case saying they "want" us dead ???

Jan 4, 2019 - When Nicole Smith-Holt's 26-year-old son died, he had just moved out of his parents' home and was starting a life of his own. ... But turning 26 meant his parents' insurance would no longer cover the cost, shooting his monthly cost for insulin and supplies up to $1,300 per month, according to his mom.

So he rationed it and is dead now.

..............

The list price of insulin has gone from about $20 per vial in 1996, when Humalog entered the market, to about $275 per vial today. Humalog patients typically use about two vials a month, Lilly said.Mar 4, 2019

KyleT

This is messed up though,

How long can I keep this up ??

Only way I know out of that pit of depression is hating on those bastards who did this too me.

When I feel hate and anger I dont feel the depression that my life is done. Diabetes no more driving for life. its over.

Its like the first episode of star trek.

Ironically called "the cage" like stuck at home cant drive anywhere. SOB

"Do emotions like hate-- keeping hate in your mind-- does that block off our mind from them ? Yes.
They can't read through primitive emotions.
But you can't keep it up for long enough.
I've tried.
They keep at you and at you, year after year, tricking and punishing.
And they won.
They own me.

Transcript from Star Trek very first episode.

That's me year after year every day the punishment for life.

Every day everyone else all those people in AA same past as me they get to move on punish me till my dead day "lifetime"

I am going to be dead soon. I am not stupid I know the long term effects anger stress.

I will stop this soon I tell myself, till I am stuck at home alone cant live like everyone else cause they did this too me EX POST FACTO

KyleT

That's the irony. I was "good at" AA

They took me out now more people drinking and driving.

I did not quit AA out of spite. I was going to go last night , did not feel like taking the F bicycle out.

I am sick and depressed , tough ass f too but not that easy though "just pick yourself up"

Maybe that's arrogant thinking but I did recruit members with my "just hang out and see if you like it" no pressure approach to newcomers.

They hurt more people then me taking me out.

Got this one idea I could hurt them with,

If I could get the names of evewryone they are subjecting to this lifetime revocation and see how many are dead now.

Prove that its a death sentance.

Its not just me sitting here hopeless. I am not speacial. Been around recovewry long enough know what the F its are.

What are the long term outcomes of people subjected to this one size fits all lifetime driving revocation ??

Take away all hope of ever having a normal life again from a person with addiction alcoholism.

Its a death sentence. Of course it is.

How do I track the other people they did this too ????

KyleT

Ironically called "the cage" like stuck at home cant drive anywhere. SOB

"Do emotions like hate-- keeping hate in your mind-- does that block off our mind from them ? Yes.
They can't read through primitive emotions.
But you can't keep it up for long enough.
I've tried.
They keep at you and at you, year after year, tricking and punishing.
And they won.
They own me.

- Transcript from Star Trek very first episode.

I can't keep this up.

It "works" feeling angry is better then the depression despair of the very real reality I will never have a normal life now but not much.

Just accept it, you are always going to be different from other peopole cause some people you never met decided to eff your whole life ??

That's a very tall order.

I wish drinking still worked. I get so sick from that **** now. Of course I would still do it if I could.

I don't want to feel this ****. I would LOVE to do the drinking lifestyle.

No drive who cares just drink all the time. Party be around people.

It doesnt work it just makes me sick. Of course I tried going back to it after they told me.

Of course I did, F this I cant drive anymore, life is totally **** ed . The first thing I did after years good sobriety was drink.

Perfect excuse, well my whole life effed now anyway, go ahead drink, but I got sick so fast.

Sucks.

KyleT

I was a good guy but thats slipping I have thoughts like I hope since they increased the punishment more people drive without a licence and then run from the cops crash and more people get killed.

Thats very sick **** but I think it sometimes.

Sick but is it any worse then the people that charge $300 for life saving medicine that cost $5 to make knowing people die ??

Maybe I should get sicker and fit into this world better.

KyleT

This is not healthy for me.

I absolutely dwelled on this longer by writing about it instead of getting distracted by other stuff./

Every day I go in the pit anger despair but longer doing this.

Original goal post here find other people subjected to this. Not dwell and get worse.

I will check back in a week. This not good for me.

KyleT

Anyone finds this thread on the search, please sign up this website. Post here or private message.

I just want to talk someone experiencing same thing, this "ex post facto lifetime revocation NYS DMV".

No. not just talk to me, I want many of us to connect. This is screwed up what they did to us.

Thanks sober recovery helping me with this.