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BlueRose31 06-09-2019 07:42 AM

Recovering after major depression
Hi, Im new here.

I have been sober for more than 20 years and go to meetings regularly. However, I get episodes of severe depressions and is just recovering from a very bad one. It started last November. I broke up with someone, my teenager wrecked my car, I bought another one and she wrecked it as well. Had to get a tooth fixed for lots of money. I had so much work I was burning the candle at both ends and finally I crashed. I stopped going to meetings and stopped using my recovery tools, so I spiraled into a deep depression, not wanting to see anyone or going anywhere. Getting out of bed was a nightmare, I went to work and came home to sleep, because sleep was the only thing that got me out of this torture.
Finally at the end of April, I started going back to AA and Coda, started meditating, walking and swimming again. I went to see my doctor to see if I needed to adjust my medication. Im still fragile and my self-esteem is low, but Im hoping to be able to pick up the pieces and start living again. I still feel lonely, but things are getting better.
Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from you.

sammymaguire 06-09-2019 08:55 AM

Hello Bluerose. You sound as if you are through the worst of it. I hope this year is kinder to you.

Astro 06-09-2019 09:32 AM

Welcome to SR BlueRose! I'm so glad to hear you're putting your recovery tools back to work. I often find myself in a similar position as I work three jobs, recovery gets set aside and my mental health takes a hit. We know what to do and we have the resources available, so let's try to have the best life possible by practicing what these programs teach us.

Guener 06-09-2019 09:50 AM

I have been in treatment for my depression for a couple of years now, sobriety for only one, and I have found that the two go together when I am working to stay settled and sane. Congratulations on such a successful 20 years on your recovery, but the depression is also relentless, I know. I don't know how I made it through so many years of both. You are doing the right things for your health, and I hope that you will pull fully back out of it soon. We are always here.

BlueRose31 06-09-2019 02:23 PM

Thank you for replying to me and for being there for me. Its much appreciated.

Im really scared of a relapse, as this was such a bad episode, but Im doing everything I can to avoid it.

Today I worked in my garden with my neighbor and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I also cleaned my house. During my depression I barely cleaned it and I gained 8 kilos (Im European, so I think in kilos) which Im trying to get off. I went swimming yesterday and as I weighed myself and took a good look in the mirror, I saw how much the extra weight looks unhealthy on me.

What I really struggle with is procrastination. I have important things to do, but I keep putting them off, as I dont have the energy yet. I really hope it comes back.

I think this might be the right place to get myself together and Im feeling hopeful today. :tyou

Guener 06-09-2019 02:58 PM

I am a procrastinator, too, especially if I am feeling low or if it is something that I really do not want to attend to that needs me to look after. Still, it sounds like you are active lately and getting some things done, and kudos toward doing so. If there are other things that are waiting for you, pick just one to get started. I think that I will do some apartment cleaning today after reading your post!

Do not let your feelings push you into thinking that it would be an all right thing to surrender your sobriety. If you feel that it is pushing you in that direction, come here first to express what you are going through. I believe that you are just needing to set yourself back into motion of normal emotions and behaviors that will help you to see things in a better light.


BlueRose31 06-10-2019 08:34 AM

Thank you, Guener.

I need to finish my company tax return to give to my accountant and contact a person in parliament who wanted to see me because of a project. I found it impossible to do when I was at my lowest, but now I have to get a grip and send her a description of my project.

Its because of that awful perfectionism that has wrecked so many aspects of my life and created a low self-esteem.

I followed your advice and did one task that needed to be done for my tax returns. Now Im going swimming and hopefully I can finish some more when I get home.

Another thing I struggle with is intense loneliness. I have isolated myself for such a long time and I have few friends. I have been a single mother for years after my divorce and the only thing I concentrated on was my work and my teen. I need to work on how to get to know more people.

Guener 06-11-2019 02:44 AM

My, BlueRose, a project for somebody in Parliament certainly sounds like a provocative project to be thinking about. :)

Perhaps you are somewhat concerned that the proposal wouldn't be exactly the right thing that you feel it should be. I'm also a perfectionist and am too quick to let criticism into my heart when my mind should be hearing it. If you can run your ideas past somebody who is able to give you some feedback freely and with care for you, that does help to get a good product and to learn to listen to how things can be improved.

Loneliness. How it can grip us and pull us down is something that I used to struggle with, especially when my self-esteem was very low and when I was drinking. You are sober a long time coming into this, and things are changing for you on the parenting side, so what would you advise somebody else in this area? It's hard to put ourselves out there to meet new people, at least it can be if you are naturally introverted like me. Your project might be a good place to begin in this aspect? Do you have somebody that you might go swimming with on a regular basis as a "team"?

The good thing about meeting new people is that there are a lot of them out there. :)

Dee74 06-11-2019 03:16 AM

Only just reading now but wanted to welcome you BlueRose - there's good people here - I'm glad you've found us :)


hopeful4 06-11-2019 08:01 AM

HI Blue, I am so glad you are here!

I too am divorced with teens, so a fellow single mom. I isolated for quite a while when I divorced and could easily again. I literally force myself to do things, put them on my calendar and will not let myself change it unless something major would come up.

I like to work in my yard as well most of the time. I too am a procrastinator. What I do is find one or two things (out of many) and make myself do them. Even if I don't want to. I find myself so glad I did once it's done. Today I am making two phone calls I don't want to make regarding some financial issues, I have done one so far.

I hope you keep posting. You are not alone! I am glad you are seeking face to face support as well. Keep at it!

BlueRose31 06-11-2019 08:16 AM

Thank you both, Guener and Dee.

It is so true that the proposal for the MP is difficult to write and as I struggle with it, the more difficult it seems. I think Im also struggling with burnout from last winter as I feel the project is not that important, although I know it is. But I am going to write it to the best of my abilities and send it. No matter what the outcome.

I find it hard to meet new people outside of work. Ive been swimming in the same swimming pools for 20 years and have met one person who is a friend. Here in Scandinavia everybody is into "hygge", being cozy with friends and family and seeing that makes me feel the loneliness even more.

But Im going to do something about it and I have already taken one step. I have met some nice people in my Coda group and we have decided to start having dinner together before meetings. I suggested we go meditating together as well and five people wanted to to that, so I believe this is a good beginning.

I might also take my computer to cafs and work there when I have afternoons off.

Its so good to be able to express myself here. Thank you so much for your support.

Astro 06-12-2019 06:45 AM


Originally Posted by BlueRose31 (Post 7203502)
I have met some nice people in my Coda group and we have decided to start having dinner together before meetings. I suggested we go meditating together as well and five people wanted to to that, so I believe this is a good beginning.

That's a very positive step! I've been immersing myself in AA meetings again as much as work allows and it's helping me through some very difficult situations in my work life.

Keep us updated, I hope you find the dinners and meditation time helpful.

Guener 06-12-2019 06:52 AM

Your proactive steps are great things to be done. Unless we try to do something about our thinking and how we get to a better place, we end up stuck. There are things that I need to do to further my recovery that seem much larger and harder than they are, and I am glad that I have begun on at least one of those already. Our lives may not (have to) be perfect, but they can be very good, indeed.

hopeful4 06-12-2019 12:58 PM

Well Done! These are some great steps!


Originally Posted by BlueRose31 (Post 7203502)

But Im going to do something about it and I have already taken one step. I have met some nice people in my Coda group and we have decided to start having dinner together before meetings. I suggested we go meditating together as well and five people wanted to to that, so I believe this is a good beginning.

I might also take my computer to cafs and work there when I have afternoons off.

Its so good to be able to express myself here. Thank you so much for your support.

BlueRose31 06-13-2019 12:28 PM

Glad to meet another fellow single mom, Hopeful. I hope all is well with your teenagers.

I went swimming yesterday and noticed that I have lost some weight, so things are moving in the right directions. Some mornings are more difficult than others, but all these activities are really helping.

Im about to finish my tax returns and I contacted someone to help me with the proposal to the MP.

On my way home today I went for a walk in the park and they have the annual Viking festival. I thoroughly enjoyed walking alongside the tents and talking to the people, looking at the jewellery and fur they have for sale. There was also a big viking battle (fake of course) with the old weapons and I sat down and watched with a group of people. It was so much fun and it made me think about my own ancestors who were vikings as well. It made me connect with my roots, which is good.

The vikings will be here until our Independence Day and Im going to visit them again. This evening Im going to my Coda meeting and well be meditating.

I hope you are all well and thanks for being there for me. :grouphug:

Guener 06-13-2019 12:40 PM

Your account of things sounds so wonderful, especially the visit to the Viking festival with its activities and interesting things for display and to vend there. In the summer months, so far north, you must also be enjoying the longer, sunny days that come with it. All of these things would be helpful to me and would support my spirits.

I have just discovered a new job opportunity at my place of employment that is well suited to my education and current experience, and I am going to put in an application to it. It's kind of scary, to think that I might apply and not get the job, but it's something I need to do. Wish me luck.

hopeful4 06-13-2019 01:44 PM

Guener, good luck on the job!!!

Blue...the Viking event sounds like so much fun! Where I live they don't have anything like that. How wonderful. I am so glad you went and enjoyed it!

BlueRose31 06-13-2019 03:56 PM

Just got back from my meeting and we took a meditation session right after. It was really good.

Yes, during the summer months we have sunshine all around the clock and on June 21st we have the summer solstice, the longest day. After that the days grow shorter and in November and December it is almost constantly dark. I like both, as it's cozy to light candles in the darkness.

Hopeful, the Viking festivals are so much fun and during winter, they walk through the longest night with torches to celebrate the light. I have in mind to join them for the next Winter Solstice.

Guener, best of luck with the new job opportunity! I know how scary it can be, but you seem really determined and I really hope it works out for you. Keep us posted.

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