Gal220

I don't really have anywhere else to post this or anyone else to talk about this. I've been struggling this past year with suicidal thoughts, and recently it's been intensifying. I started seeing a therapist and am on meds. Suicide prevention day is always kind of tough, because it basically just reminds me of my suicidal thoughts. I also have a difficult time with thinking it's just a gimmick, as it's really difficult to get people to understand.

Anyway, this very young minister committed suicide on Monday. I didn't know him, but I've read his blog. He was an advocate for mental health and understanding, which is a rarity in mainstream Christianity. He actually posted several things on social media the day he died about suicide. He leaves behind two very young sons and a wife who seems to have adored him.

I just can't get the picture of him playing with his kids out of my head. He was laughing with them just hours before he killed himself. So many people are wondering how he could do that, and how he could seem so happy, speak so eloquently about his love for Jesus, help so many people overcome their own suicidal thoughts. But I don't wonder. I know exactly what that's like. I've been there before, and I'm there now. Every day is such a struggle.

I just find myself thinking that if this guy, who was so confident in his faith and his salvation, who devoted so much to helping others, couldn't beat depression, what chance have I got? I've thought for a long time that I would eventually die by suicide. But I have worked so hard, and I pray I will make it at least until my youngest leaves home. I just sometimes think I won't make it, and weeks like this make it even harder to be positive.

So I guess I'm going to try to look at it like AAers look at staying sober - one day at a time. Thinking years ahead is just too daunting. So for today, I am going to be grateful and stay alive.

wildflower70

Sending you healing thoughts

Dee74

Hi Gal

I'm by no means an expert but its very hard sometimes to tell whats going on with someone from their 'outsides'.

A lot of depressed people are very good at maintaining a facade of being ok.

That doesn't mean that everyone is doomed tho, of course

I went through a period in my twenties when I was suicidal. I came out of that and, eventually I got in to recovery from addiction.

I love myself and I love my life now. My 40s and 50s have been my golden years.

Crucially tho, I have learned it's ok to admit I'm struggling, whatever the struggle is that day - and it's ok to ask for help.

Sometimes I think people think they need to suffer in some kind of stoic silence so as not to let friends or let loved ones worry about them. I think that brings a lot of people undone.

We need to let people know it's ok to want help and ask for it.

I really believe that we can have good mental health as much as we can have good physical health.

I hope you'll keep posting here, seeing your counsellor, and asking for help when you need it

D

D122y

Definitely out of my area of expertise. My step son started talking about suicide at 16. He wielded it like a weapon with his mom.

Now she sends him money evey month because of this and that.

We got him counseling. He lives away now and seems okay, but i don't talk to my wife about him much because it upsets her.

I empathize with folks that have any issues. It could be a scar on their face, a missing limb, depression, etc. Nobody knows what goes on in their head.

We can only be there for them.

I can't speak for all of sr, but for me I am here for you. Virtually at least.

If this helps in some way, i offer this.

Please get help from a pro and remember that you have a person online that would be sad if you passed away.

Hope this helps in some way.

Thanks.

Astro

In my early 40's and a couple weeks into recovery I had suicidal ideations and ended up in a mental hospital where I received help that was one of the many pieces crucial to staying clean and sober. And like Dee mentioned, I'm in my 50's now and these are the best years I've ever had. Until your youngest leaves home? I've had the gift of watching my children grow into beautiful young adults and seeing them prosper and flourish, it's an incredible experience that I'm so glad I didn't miss.

I read about this pastor yesterday, it's sad and I know many hearts hurt for his wife and children. As a Christian though I also believe that Jesus's heart hurts so much for this young man and his family. Christ will welcome us home when it's time, but until then I believe he wants us to experience life as He's created it for us. I'm thankful I didn't go through with my plan to change His plan.

Natom

Hey Gal220,

I've always believed that mental health is an incredibly fluid thing. Like you and I could both be diagnosed with depression but whilst we would have similar markers our struggles may be entirely different. The way we feel our depression, the way we act, the way we deal with it could be at completely opposite ends of the spectrum. Yet, according to the diagnosis we suffer from the same thing.

Mental health is so broad and fluid that everyone is dealing with something incredibly unique.

Your post really helped me. I've never thought about taking my mental health one day at a time. It's got a lot worse over the last few weeks and completely thrown me. Keep yourself in the day, the hour or the minute if you have too.

Natom

Gal220

Thanks everyone. Still struggling, but trying to look past it all and see the other side.

LostLilly

Astro

Lilly, I went for many years looking for brighter tomorrows and I can assure you that that's all I have now, many bright tomorrows and just a great life, probably more than I deserved. Keep at it one day at a time, a clean and sober life does get better!

Gal220

Yes, Lilly, I echo this! Sober life does get better :-) And when times are really rough, the things I've learned in AA can keep me from going over the edge.

hopeful4

Just focus on the today. The one day at a time. I know I get overwhelmed when I have fears of the future or ruminate on the past.

I read about the pastor. I know it's a growing problem in the pastoral community, that the suicide rate is up. Pastor or not, people are under real pressure and need help.

Keep reaching out. Keep living one day, one moment at a time. Stay sober, alcohol is a depressant. Focus on the good and take care of your body and mind.

These are the things I am focusing on right now. I am here, reading this, supporting you friends.

abgator

Could not be more accurate. I'd add fear of embarrassment in there as well. The reality is, most people aren't going to judge or criticize us. Most people, I believe, would support us in getting help. We suffer and sabotage ourselves out of unjustified fear. Admitting my problem to my parents was one of the best things I ever did and it's very out of character for me.

Gal220

At some point, though, I've found that people tend to get tired of you if you struggle too much for too long. People say they want you to be yourself. And when things are bad, they say they want you to tell them, to be honest, to ask for help. They want you to confide in them so they can feel they helped you. But if you don't get better, if you cycle through major depression every few years, if you stop pretending to be happy, they get tired. They say you are just happy being miserable. You are just seeking attention. You are stubborn and unwilling to do the work. You lack spirituality and gratitude. It doesn't matter that you've tried. It only matters that you've failed.

So you have to pretend to be happy. You have to pretend that they have helped you. You have to pretend to be someone else.

Dee74

I think that may be true with some people, maybe even a lot of people, but not all people - and there's more people here with first hand experience of depression and anxiety than other websites.

Plus you can use the ignore function on us any time you like

I've learned over the years its not always about suggestions or solutions but often it's just a simple 'I understand' or even just a 'I'm listening' that's needed.

D

PhoenixJ

That you have a perception of your thoughts and feelings is good. You are not the young minister, you are you and do not know what his inner thoughts were. Comparing is not useful. Sharing is, plus remembering to rest, eat, hydrate, support - journaling.

I have had major depression since I was a toddler (abuse and stuff). What others think of me- well I cannot change them, but I do work on changing ME. CBT and ACT has been very useful to learn how to keep on going in the 'real' world. I also get anxiety- it seems at random, or even when I am meeting people I love and have known my entire life. It sucks. But I will not give in to being the terrible, miserable human I became at the end. Me- not you, but you are never alone- there is here.
Keep posting- you are not alone. My support to you

rharman

Astro

Continued recovery in AA, a firm faith in Jesus Christ, lots of fresh air and exercise, still trying to follow a healthy diet. Lots of volunteer and service work, fellowshipping, plenty of healthy hobbies and activities. Meditation and prayer. We are all so different though, some of us require medications while others don't. I wish I had all the answers, but the best I continue to do is move through this one day at a time, pushing forward through the challenges.

I'm glad you're seeking answers rharman, and I wish you the best. Please keep posting here, I hope you're finding SR useful in your recovery.

rharman

rharman

Astro

Don't get me wrong, I didn't embrace AA or my beliefs, and I certainly didn't have an easy time dealing with isolation. I spent months struggling with depression, overeating, and not wanting to leave my apartment. Eventually I started forcing myself to take short walks, and before long I craved that time outdoors. As far as the meetings and church went, that was just a matter of life or death, I knew that if I wanted to continue living I had to have a firm foundation somewhere.

I'll never tell you it was easy rharman, but I'll always sing the praises of how much it's worth the time and determination to put together and follow a recovery plan.