Going Insane ( or already there?)
 

Hello all. Just joined for some opinions . May be a bit of a long rant.

A little background info .
I am a hardcore 24/7 alcoholic. Daily , nightly blackouts, undoubtedly some brain damage. I have been dependent on alcohol since I was 17, I am now 32 .

I have been prescribed klonopin near as long as that also buying and doing street benzos.

Some other drugs that I've had brief stints with are Soma, barbiturates, heroin, methamphetamines, amphetamines, huffing(as in duster,) suboxone, shrooms --- I think you get the idea.

Alcohol ( #1,) benzos, barbs and Soma are by far my drugs of choice ( up the gabs drugs )

The first panic attack I had was on Robitusan. I now suffer panic attacks. Just about daily ..my first episode of extreme paranoia ( or is it ? Was after doing some bad meth , likely mePHadRone . now I'm paranoid daily, especially in crowds . severe anxiety since my late teens when I started getting delirium tremens from alcohol.


My Dilemma

Ok the first thing I want to get out is that I don't necessarily care what people think of me, it is how the he'll they know who I am??

After having my first bout of paranoia, after some methamphetamines, I was on a bus and heard my old nickname being said from all around the bus .

After this goes on for a 3 day bus trip _ hearing this for the entire time, I rationalize that there is no way all these people know who I am, or do they. After assesing the situation I calm down... But then it starts again .

I finally get to the point that I believe all these people do actually know who I am.

Something MUST be posted of me online either doing some crazy, CRAZY sh*t. OR, has some group of people( not as far fetched as it may seem -as the scene I was involved with - this is actually a possibility)

OR , have people been following me posting embarrassing videos of me such as panicking in delirium on city streets, putting it on Facebook or the like, that all, ALL, Of these strangers do know who I am ???

I actually got a robbery charge , thinking people were taking my photo - wondering who they are and why they were following me . It didn't go well to say the least as I chased them and they took off and I ripped the backpack off of somebody I thought was with them to find out what they were doing and he was an innocent bystander .

I am worried all this craziness will lead to more trouble to people who do not deserve it .

Been to too many Rehabs and far too many psych wards so this is not an option. Meds DO NOT work for this.

I am going seriously insane .

Thank you so much those of you who read this.

Any thoughts or opinions are very appreciated .

By the way this COULD be happening because I am very identifiable with face tattooed and punk rock garb.

And I forgot to add that I am in a halfway house. I was sober about 2 months before I relapsed with crack cocaine and my crazy thinking it was alright because it was not my drug of choice ..now clean/sober for about a week.

Your account is very distressing to read for me, SP, because it reminds me of my late brother.

You have been sober for a week now. Does that mean that you have stopped both the alcohol and the benzos? Either one of those after long term use can be very hard to quit from what I know either personally (alcohol) or have been told (benzos). It makes me wonder if you are going through withdrawal that really should be medically supervised despite what your feelings may be about detox. You sound desperate enough to be done with all of this, so I would not rule out anything.

How is your situation in the half-way house? Are the others there serious about abstinence and are helpful with how you are feeling? Or does this setting merely contribute to your anxiety and desire to use?

I'm just trying to understand more about what you are going through, to be as supportive as I can be.

Well, the halfway house is a bit much with strict silly rules but the people for the most part are alright.
Some of it does make the anxiety worse .
Thank you for the reply .
This may seem Ridiculous but I cannot distinguish if it IS real or not.
because I never see anything coming out of one's mouth and like I said I do not want to explode on the wrong people if they did say nothing .
It is definitely getting dangerous for myself and others .

Klonopin is very very addictive it's a benzo and it hits the same receptors as alcohol. Quitting cold turkey can cause a lot of symtoms and make anxiety worse then when you even started to take it for anxiety. And should be done under doctor supervision. Don't make the mistake of doing something that's not your drug choice it leads you back to your drug of choice. Don't ever ever give up.

SP, I am glad that you are in a place where you are safe. I was in a homeless shelter for a good while, so I can identify with the silly rules bit. Good for you for exercising self-control over your communication there, at least so far.

Feeling divorced (dissociated) from reality and the symptoms you are experiencing with that still suggest that you should be seen by a medical professional, please don't discount that option.

If there are cost-free options for anger management and to learn techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy to address your anxiety, do you feel like that would be helpful? It might be a few hours a week out of your time to participate in such groups or individual therapy settings to help you get a handle on your feelings. You don't want to blow up on somebody, and unchecked anxiety is very hard to deal with, I know.

Keep working toward positive goals and use Sober Recovery to help keep your thoughts on what can become different.

Please delete both these threads as I was not in the correct state of mind when I posted

I'd say you were in the same state of mind that a lot of us get into when we are under the influence.

I don't know if they delete threads here - but I hope you are not drinking right now, that's the way to get out of the dysfunctional thinking and the misery. I don't get like that any more now that I've been clean for a while.

Stick around. You're no worse than the rest of us.

Try to go to bed sober tonight.

Addiction. The world's biggest club no one wants to join. :hug:

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I have a childhood friend who started out as a constant daily drinker and now does meth. He hears voices and picked up a robbery charge (which was somehow a felony so I'm assuming it was also considered assault) in a similar scenario. He's been in and out of jail and still hears voices after months of being sober but says they're less noticeable with the right mix of meds.

He also says it's a constant battle within himself between believing his delusions and understanding it could be caused by the addiction. And that he's less concerned with stopping than he is with figuring out how and why this is happening to him. I don't know what to say other than I think all of us have had to reach a point where we stop trying to rationalize our way out of it and just start putting one foot in front of the other in sobriety. It can take many months for the mind and body to return to some semblance of normal. Sometimes "figuring out" the rest needs to be put on hold as we heal. All we can do is put in the work, make the temporary sacrifices, and trust the process..

I hope you will give long term sobriety a chance and keep reaching out for help when you need it.

I was doing 3-4 balls of blow a week until recently and can confirm hallucinations on uppers are extremely common and will stop if you stop using the drugs. When at bar i would go into bathroom to do a line and hear people calling my name and I rationalized no way I would be able to hear them from bathroom so rationalized like you. If the hallucinations are happening when off drugs that might be a different story but can tell you for a fact that especially on uppers it is very common. Had a real bad experience with blow when i was younger when I was 17 i am also 32 now. Ended up in psych ward for a month constant panic attacks ect.. The brain has an amazing ability to recover and most of the time it will when you keep knocking it around. My panic attacks were so bad after a bad experience with blow if i had a sip of alcohol my heart race to 180 and wore a heart monitor and got an echo cause they thought their might be damage to my heart but it was just anxiety. You are probably not going insane but drugs certainly can make you feel like you are!

I felt the same and what saved my life -- and sanity -- was AA. The support was incredible and life is 1000 times better today. My best thinking kept me drunk. It's only when we give up and turn our lives over that we heal.

Good luck and yeah man, now hopefully you will see that drugs ARE BAD UHMM K? I PRAY for your sobriety and hopefully sanity also
!!

SplatterPunk, I'd like to share with you what really helped me let go of my addiction. Maybe you can apply these ideas I am about to tell you in your life. The 2 things that enabled me to drop my addiction: 1. turning my life over to my Higher Power 2. Becoming more loving and helpful towards people.

Everyday I reaffirm that I am giving my life over to God, that I want him to come into my life, that I want to have a relationship with Him.

Becoming more loving started by posting positive messages on post it notes and leaving them in bathrooms and other public places. And then everyday I think of what I can to help someone that day or make their life easier. It has produced amazing results for me.

Your alcoholism and mental, I believe, are put into your life in order for you to grow. Once you have used the dysfunction for the purpose it was created, it no longer needs to hang around.