Sam31p

Haven't posted for a while. Alcohol aside, the last week or 3 it's been like I'm cracking up. Honestly it's like I could just grab my TV (or something else) and throw it as hard as possible against the wall. It sounds mad but I just feel like crumbling into a heap on the floor.

Let's just go through today.... So far...

So I had an awful nights sleep. I struggle with PTSD and so I'm prone to having disturbed sleep. I get up, my back aching, eyes so tight and painful that I can barely open them. I'm a bit wobbly as well with not having fully woken up. I go downstairs, the dog has urinated on the floor...Great... I clean that up and let him out the back. Still trying to wake up I get his food ready to keep him busy. He comes in, starts eating..... Finally I can sit down with some breakfast. The dog finishes his food, messes on the floor which I'm then having to go and clean up right away.

Half way through breakfast, I go and put the bin out as it's bin day, then I'm collared by this strange old man neighbour who was drunk (at 8am). I struggle with anxiety as well as other problems so I freeze up and shake with symptoms, he invites himself into my home, going on about some drunken talk. No idea what hes going on about as he's hugging me and saying I'm a great guy. Finally he goes, then I sit down at the computer to try and watch some funny videos to help me wake up, the dog is then scratching at the door and tearing up his bed... Stuffing everywhere....and it's only 11am.

This is what it's like every damn day. Not so much with the neighbour but just this extreme fatigue. I go to bed and try to have enough sleep.... still tired.

At the moment I have back ache, leg pains, chest area is a dull ache, I feel so damn tired (it's taken me so long to type this as every few words or so I find myself staring into space). My head is so all over the place with the fatigue that one day I even had my cereal bowl on the side next to the dogs bowl and I ended up putting dog food into my cereal bowl.

Perhaps people might think I should go to a doctor but I honestly don't trust them and can't actually face them. I went there begging for help many times before and got nothing. Several times I even did their job for them speaking with private medical professionals and mental health charities to get to the bottom of things and establish what help would be best for me. I went to the doctor to get this said help, ended up getting nothing.

Things have gone too far, there's way too much to explain to them to get them to truly understand. Sadly there's never enough time in appointments for this to happen (10 minutes or 20 for a double appointment).

Dee74

Hi Sam,
I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed right now. Honestly I don;t have many other suggestions apart from seeing a doctor - but I understand you have reservations about that.

Maybe a psychologist could help - not sure what they are called in other countries - not psychiatrists, more counsellors - someone to talk to?

Perhaps other people will have other better ideas than mine tho - I just wanted you to know someone was listening .

Keep talking anyway Sam I think it's important to keep doing that

D

Sam31p

That's ok Dee, I appreciate the comment. I wish this country was different but the government have messed all funding up for years.

It's like if someone is put forward for a psychiatrist, then the waiting list is so long (around a year), that by time it's finally someones turn to see them, they've developed other problems on top of those problems which a psychiatrist can't help with. I.e it's been documented online where some people have badly needed CBT, they waited 18 months but by time CBT came round, they've also developed an alcohol problem due to using alcohol to try and cope while waiting. The CBT therapist then can't help with that problem so they have extra things to tackle.

For years I've truly believed that in at last the short term I would benefit from having a bit of hands on help. Other charities agree too after meeting me and seeing how I live. Then I go to those who can issue said help (doctors) but it's never provided.

It seems like for that to happen someone really has to reach a mega extreme point, weather that be by screaming in the street, going missing or just completely losing it. Something I'd never do as I've always held things together as best I could.... but this is all slowly dragging me there.

Sam31p

Guess I will update.

I have still been the same and haven't been great for a while. It frustrates me that I haven't had the right support purely due to bad luck. That's mad though? That I haven't had the right help just because of where I live and who I've seen for medical help.

I'm at that point where I literally can do no more whatsoever to try and improve my life. Often when I post online though people (nobody here, this is elsewhere) come back with a typical response of "yes you can, you can always do more". Then when I go into detail to elaborate, they don't even bother looking because it's too long for them to read.

I still drink, which again frustrates me. This isn't because I'm addicted or need help with it. It's all because I cannot progress or improve and further in life without any help and therefore I'm going to continue to feel that drink is a thing which makes me feel better for the time being.

An example I've used before... If someone has a headache knowing painkillers will ease it, they won't go for painkillers right away. Only when it persists will they turn to painkillers. It's the same with me and drink. I go on in life unwell, needing support to continue. Without said support it gets too much and bam... drink.... something different.

Without someone knowing the ins and outs of me, it's hard to understand but I know in myself I cannot do anymore. You know the saying, we can lie to others but we can never lie to ourselves? That's how it is. It serves no purpose for me to lie on a forum like this because it's anonymous, nobody knows me and so it's no different to lying to myself which is just something I can't do.

I'm in no doubt that as things stand, in years to come I will be back here saying "yep, I now have a problem with alcohol" which is exactly what I want to avoid happening. Alas, the key to this is help I am clearly entitled to within the NHS, yet I never get (for the wrong reasons). I just don't think there's much else I can do.

Nothing, no matter the health problem, it can't simply be healed just by someone trying, equally it can't just be healed just by medical help (I.e someone with broken legs doesn't just have an operation and all is fine again, they have to put in the effort to go through physio and so on).

My effort and determination is there but without the resources and much needed help, it counts for little. A bit like if someone with broken legs didn't have an operation and just tried hard to walk again, it would have little impact without that medical help.

Astro

Well, I think the best way for me to state this is "I can always do more" The resources and much needed help that I received were AA, church, fellowship, and counseling from other alcoholics, and every one of those things is free, didn't cost me a dime. I paid dearly for it though through years of depression, anxiety, and misery. I get exactly what I need from my determination to recover based on how much effort I put into it.

So when I slip back towards old habits is there any more that I can do to improve my life, or any more support I can reach out for? Absolutely. There's a wealth of resources and people willing to help who aren't looking for money, more than I would ever need, but it's always up to me to seek the help.

Sam31p

I appreciate what you are saying there, I really do, but what seems to be the case are things totally outside my control. That's the issue, if someone else does something to me which has a massive impact on my life, how can I change something outside my control?

For example here (bear with me):

- Last year I went for a daily dog walk, trying my hardest to get outside even though it's difficult. He was on his lead and as we were going round this blind corner, a large dog came out of nowhere, went for my dog, biting him and seriously injuring him. Blood everywhere, I did what I could to pull my dog away and was bitten myself while doing this. The owner of that dog turned their back and walked away.
Now, when I got home, my dog was clearly injured, yet after that shock setting in, I was genuinely too terrified to leave the house. I honestly couldn't. Having nobody else in my life, what else could I do (Plus no taxi service in this area)? I left it one day, the next day still the same, I just couldn't even leave the house. In the end as he clearly badly needed to go to the vets I used the only resource available to me and drank alcohol. I numbed all that fear, worries, the shock of it and took him to the vets. It's a good job I did as well because his wounds were slowly becoming infected.

Even now I'm literally shaking as I type about this experience. I struggle with PTSD over it and the hardest part, I look back on it and think "What could I have done differently?"..... The gods honest truth answer, absolutely nothing.

Long term what could I do? I went to a mental health team about this and was told I'm just being silly.

- I'm with social housing and earlier this year a plumber was out to fix something. It was nobodies fault, just a wear and tear repair. The plumber messed up though, he bodged it and after he left I noticed water pouring out of the overflow pipe down the side of the house....Great. I got in touch with the social housing provider who booked them back in eventually. All the while money was pouring out of the side of the house for about 10 days before they finally came out and sorted it.

There was nothing else I could have done. I'm no plumber, I don't even know the name of that round thing in the toilet tank. It caused me worries, sleepless nights knowing that because of someone else's fault, water is pouring out of the side of my house.


These are the issues and problems I'm on about, there's probably about 20 more things but I don't want it to become a super essay again. Often when I post online, people in all sorts of tones (not here, it's been the best and most helpful place to post) tell me to stop moaning or push it onto me of how I could always do more.... But again, is that entirely true?

In these 2 examples there was nothing more I could do. They were situations where I did everything right, went the right way through resolving the issues and still had to suffer badly with them.

If someone is addicted to alcohol, a step would be to admit they are powerless to the drink, accept it and seek the relevant help for it. In fact isn't that the first step? Admitting being powerless to drink?

In terms of the issues in my life that cause me such misery, I'm truly powerless to them and even when I look back, not because I dwell on the past but because I'm still feeling the pain from the issues, I know there was nothing more I could have done.

This is when the pain becomes too great and harmful thoughts enter my head. Do I really want to be a part of something (life) that causes me so much misery?

Astro

Life will never be without challenges and difficulties, if it were I'm afraid I'd rot, and honestly challenges are what keep me strong, determined and engaged. This past weekend I had two leaks appear in my front yard so I spent 6 hours in 110 degree heat digging holes and repairing them. If my AC breaks down I have to call someone and sweat it out until they arrive. Challenges are what God throw at me to keep me on my toes.

Do I really want to be a part of something (life) that causes me so much misery?

Myself, well I was part of it as an active alcoholic for 27 years, but in recovery I learned that my misery is mostly a personal choice, when I put down the drink and started living life as I should, the misery receded and happiness came into my life, I had a new perspective that made me never want to return to the old miserable life again.

Sam31p

It just depends what it is and yes life is never without it's difficulties, I fully accept that, but the difficulties that cause me such issues are 100% what other people have done. I'm so burnt out, tired, fed up, stressed, upset and miserable because of other peoples actions. The aircon problem and leaks are down to wear and tear and thus nobodies fault? It's just life when that happens and that's fine, annoying to deal with but just something that cant be helped.

The thing that made this a bad issue for me with the plumber wasn't because of a wear and tear repair, it was that through his own actions, he made a mistake which left water pouring out of the overflow pipe. So a bit like wear and tear leaks and aircon damage being 1 thing that you just get on with.... Yet what if it was a toe rag who smashed up your aircon, and deliberately caused those leaks? That could be emotionally damaging knowing someone else did that damage.

If you multiply that time and time again, it really can take it's toll that because of other people actions, you have to go through even more stress and difficulties.

One thing now is I recently had the "neighbours from hell" move in next door. Not my fault, the landlord moved them in. They are gypsy travellers who are nothing short of evil.

They've ripped me off out of money, they all park in my driveway and stand around smoking drugs. They throw cigarette and drug ends all over my driveway and in front of my front door so it looks disgusting out there. They are out there making noise to all hours. They have removed the boundary posts to push their fence onto my homes land so they get a bigger garden. I don't even leave my home through the front door anymore because if I do, I'm likely to succumb to abuse.

If I report them to the police or housing officer, then I can watch out because I will likely get a beating.

The main and only option is for me to just move. Now, if this situation wasn't happening with them and I just chose to move.... It's stressful, takes time and there's a lot to go through, but that's my choice and I would get through.

However, the facts are, I would be moving because of them and so going through all of the associated stress and use of my time because of someone else's actions. This is what makes it even more difficult and psychologically damaging.

Sam31p

Sooo.... Updates. I hate leaving a topic without an outcome in case others are following.

Well, ok so said neighbour problem lead me to trying to commit suicide. Once again it's another incident where people are to blame and it became too much. I tried binning myself off over it.

Then, drinking became too much. I mean now because of said neighbours I don't even leave my home.

Now, the one major turn of events is after my suicide attempt, the NHS have fully accepted they haven't done anywhere near enough to help me (hooray, it shouldn't have taken until something like that happened for them to realise and accept it).

I have been saying for too long here that I'm literally without resources. It's like my main health stuff is via a base illness, which then because of it being so restricting leads to me not being able to cope, drinking and so on. There has been total acceptance that they were at fault all along.

In fact the staff member I spoke to was very down to earth saying to me "To be honest with you, I'm disgusted. I'm not surprised, but I'm still disgusted. There is no way whatsoever you should have been dismissed like that and it's no wonder you are in such a bad way". Specifically regarding the drinking they said "I don't know much about that as I only drink once a year at Christmas, but if I had that experience, I would be doing the same as you, it's bloody useless and I'm quite angry about it really".

They have personally taken it on themselves to demand the right services I had said I need and for the first time ever, I think thats going to give me the right support.

Bubovski

The philosopher John Paul Sarte once said "hell is other people" I used to agree a lot with that, but came to believe that there are many good people out there.
Things can pick up, even if slowly, and it often helps to just let go of your feelings as you have done here.
You mention cognitive behaviorable therapy, something that can be learned from books/or Rational Emotive Therapy by Albert Ellis.
While you may feel a door mat to others, it can improve, and hopefully you can find more compassion for others as well as your self.

timi0000

Sam, in my experience, the reason why your mental health may be at a tipping point is because you have issues that you have not dealt with. When you start dealing with them, the "being at a point of breakdown" will go away because your mind is trying to get your attention about an issue you haven't dealt with. Begin to help yourself in any and every way you can. If you think you might need a psychiatrist, go see one. If you think you need to repair relationship, then do that. Once your mind sees that you are willing to act in the direction of helping yourself, the need for a breakdown will go away and you will feel a lot better.