I’m finally at the lowest point in my life I’ve ever been
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 3
I’m finally at the lowest point in my life I’ve ever been
I (27F) feel that my depression has gotten worse. It’s past just feeling sad anymore. I feel numb to all emotions except sadness or anxiety.
I’ve battled with depression & anxiety for years, accompanied by self medicating with mostly alcohol. The drinking started getting really bad the past couple of years, with some breaks in between. I also was in a physically abusive relationship that I managed to get out of. I know now that the drinking is what prevented me from getting actual help & now I’m in a place so low I can’t even imagine climbing out.
It all went downhill in a matter of a couple of months starting around Christmas. I had an amazing boyfriend that was so supportive of me, but I just couldn’t break my drinking habit. I hid it from him because I was ashamed & I was just stuck in this cycle of drinking to numb my emotions then being even more depressed then drinking more etc.... just going deeper & deeper into the hole.
Long story short, I had to go to jail for 2 weeks for an alcohol related charge I got an entire year ago while trying to leave my abusive ex. My mental state suffered horribly while in jail, & I also found out I was pregnant. When I got out, my boyfriend broke up with me... says he wasn’t happy the last month of our relationship, & that he couldn’t handle my emotional breakdowns anymore. He assured me he wanted me to keep the baby, & would be there for me for the pregnancy, but just couldn’t be with me anymore.
I had to be put on house arrest about a week after I got out and probation, it is part of my conditions. I’m not allowed to leave my house at all I’m literally just holed up in my room. I found out that my ex that I’m 7 weeks pregnant by, is now seeing a good friend of mine. 2 weeks after breaking up with me. Then my grandmother passed away the same day I found out about my ex & my friend. I relapsed once after finding all of that out & I felt so ashamed and upset about it that it just made me feel worse. I don’t even know why I did, I knew it would make things worse. But the hold alcohol has had on me and how I cope with stress is insane. I haven’t drank since and the thought of it actually makes me feel physically and mentally sick.
I have just been completely alone in my room. I’m not on any of my meds because my dr took me off of them when I found out I was pregnant. I’m not eating, I’m barely sleeping, all I do is worry- constantly in my thoughts. Worrying about every single thing you can possibly think of and thinking of every worst case scenario. I also feel I might have some sort of PTSD from going to jail as I’m constantly scared I will be sent back. I lost my job, I’m running out of money but the bills & fines keep piling up, I’m living back at my parents house, I’ve lost all of my friends. I just really don’t even know what to do. I feel completely alone & am so numb I barely even can cry. I start counseling this week and I know I need therapy both group & individual but all I can think about is how that is just more money I don’t have.
I’m so depressed that I can’t feel anything except sadness & anxiety. I keep beating myself up about all of my bad choices & how stupid I am. I don’t know what will help me at this point
I’ve battled with depression & anxiety for years, accompanied by self medicating with mostly alcohol. The drinking started getting really bad the past couple of years, with some breaks in between. I also was in a physically abusive relationship that I managed to get out of. I know now that the drinking is what prevented me from getting actual help & now I’m in a place so low I can’t even imagine climbing out.
It all went downhill in a matter of a couple of months starting around Christmas. I had an amazing boyfriend that was so supportive of me, but I just couldn’t break my drinking habit. I hid it from him because I was ashamed & I was just stuck in this cycle of drinking to numb my emotions then being even more depressed then drinking more etc.... just going deeper & deeper into the hole.
Long story short, I had to go to jail for 2 weeks for an alcohol related charge I got an entire year ago while trying to leave my abusive ex. My mental state suffered horribly while in jail, & I also found out I was pregnant. When I got out, my boyfriend broke up with me... says he wasn’t happy the last month of our relationship, & that he couldn’t handle my emotional breakdowns anymore. He assured me he wanted me to keep the baby, & would be there for me for the pregnancy, but just couldn’t be with me anymore.
I had to be put on house arrest about a week after I got out and probation, it is part of my conditions. I’m not allowed to leave my house at all I’m literally just holed up in my room. I found out that my ex that I’m 7 weeks pregnant by, is now seeing a good friend of mine. 2 weeks after breaking up with me. Then my grandmother passed away the same day I found out about my ex & my friend. I relapsed once after finding all of that out & I felt so ashamed and upset about it that it just made me feel worse. I don’t even know why I did, I knew it would make things worse. But the hold alcohol has had on me and how I cope with stress is insane. I haven’t drank since and the thought of it actually makes me feel physically and mentally sick.
I have just been completely alone in my room. I’m not on any of my meds because my dr took me off of them when I found out I was pregnant. I’m not eating, I’m barely sleeping, all I do is worry- constantly in my thoughts. Worrying about every single thing you can possibly think of and thinking of every worst case scenario. I also feel I might have some sort of PTSD from going to jail as I’m constantly scared I will be sent back. I lost my job, I’m running out of money but the bills & fines keep piling up, I’m living back at my parents house, I’ve lost all of my friends. I just really don’t even know what to do. I feel completely alone & am so numb I barely even can cry. I start counseling this week and I know I need therapy both group & individual but all I can think about is how that is just more money I don’t have.
I’m so depressed that I can’t feel anything except sadness & anxiety. I keep beating myself up about all of my bad choices & how stupid I am. I don’t know what will help me at this point
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: DFW area, Texas
Posts: 521
Hey Sooz, thank you for posting...you gave it a lot of thought and didn't hold back. I think you care a lot about yourself and your life even though it's not great right now. Nothing you mentioned in your post can't be addressed and I think you getting counseling is a great start and of course laying off the alcohol will help with that. We have all made bad decisions when drinking and, like you, I've suffered long with anxiety and depression which makes things even harder and at times unbearable. So many people here know what you're going through and do care, so please don't forget that. This site has helped me tons and I am thankful for it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,327
Sorry you're going through all this. At least give counselling a go and talk it out. In fact do anything to stop being too isolated. Meetings, etc. See the positives in having free time and somewhere to stay for now. Don't worry about anything other than maybe keeping away from booze, 'cause with that you're just really stuck.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Counseling, meetings, a recovery program, any of those are a great place to start when we reach rock bottom, and I'd say the majority of us have been there and it's brought us to where we are now. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through so much pain and so many difficulties, but this can be the foundation that you build the rest of a healthy life upon. You'll have plenty of support if you choose to reach out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 1,132
Yes, we are here for you. Please eat. If you cannot eat, drink a nutritional drink like Ensure. There are lots of others out there that probably taste better. With something like this, at least you will be getting some nutrition. Ask any pharmacist and they can recommend something.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,545
You are very strong Sooz, even though you may not believe it right now. I am so sorry about your ex, and your 'friend'. Good grief. Not much good will come from that I predict.
Use your holed-up time reading and writing here. Such good solid support to be found at your fingertips.
You will emerge from this Sooz. Just stay sober, eat a tiny bit, water, and rest. That's enough for the moment, outside of staying connected here.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Even greater reason for self nurture.
Use your holed-up time reading and writing here. Such good solid support to be found at your fingertips.
You will emerge from this Sooz. Just stay sober, eat a tiny bit, water, and rest. That's enough for the moment, outside of staying connected here.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Even greater reason for self nurture.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 56
Sooz, I'd like to share with you what really helped me let go of my addiction and other mental problems. Maybe you can apply these ideas I am about to tell you in your life. The 2 things that really helped me: 1. turning my life over to my Higher Power 2. Becoming more loving and helpful towards people.
Everyday I reaffirm that I am giving my life over to God, that I want him to come into my life, that I want to have a relationship with Him.
Becoming more loving started by posting positive messages on post it notes and leaving them in bathrooms and other public places. And then everyday I think of what I can to help someone that day or make their life easier. It has produced amazing results for me. I really believe it can work for you! It will cut down on your stress and suddenly things will be a lot more manageable.
Everyday I reaffirm that I am giving my life over to God, that I want him to come into my life, that I want to have a relationship with Him.
Becoming more loving started by posting positive messages on post it notes and leaving them in bathrooms and other public places. And then everyday I think of what I can to help someone that day or make their life easier. It has produced amazing results for me. I really believe it can work for you! It will cut down on your stress and suddenly things will be a lot more manageable.
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