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Old 05-07-2019, 11:26 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Thank you.

The brain is a strange thing. Iíve processed so much of my past, but there are 2 specific memories that I just canít look back on with adult eyes. I still feel stuck as a child when I describe them. Full of fear and guilt.

If I could move past this I would start to feel better Iím sure.

Thanks for your support ❤️
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Old 05-07-2019, 03:01 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I believe you will get past them Jeni - with time and patience. You have a lot of courage

D
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Old 05-08-2019, 06:30 AM   #23 (permalink)
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I second that! Jeni, I wonder if you have ever looked into EMDR with your or another therapist? It is really successful for many in dealing with PTSD. This may be something you wish to speak to your therapist about or look into.

Big hugs! Time and dedication will get you through this. Keep sharing, we are here for you!
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Old 05-08-2019, 10:13 AM   #24 (permalink)
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I second that! Jeni, I wonder if you have ever looked into EMDR with your or another therapist? It is really successful for many in dealing with PTSD. This may be something you wish to speak to your therapist about or look into.

Big hugs! Time and dedication will get you through this. Keep sharing, we are here for you!
My last therapist suggested EMDR. To be honest I thought it sounded quite horrific and I didnít want to explore it at all. Iím still unsure.

Iím able to concentrate at work and lead a normal life outside of therapy now, and the flashbacks have gone.

Iím doing much better. ❤️
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Old 05-08-2019, 02:45 PM   #25 (permalink)
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I am so glad to hear you are doing better!
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Old 05-09-2019, 07:10 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Thank you Hopeful 4.

I had a good counselling session today, and we talked about how as time has moved on (especially in light of the years of sobriety I have now), I am generally more connected to my feelings and less numb.

Re-visiting childhood trauma therefore feels more upsetting and painful as a result.

Although it hurts, itís all part of the healing process.

We talked about self-care while we are working through this stuff, and Iím going to make a little project of it...start a journal with healthy recipes in and make a note of what Iíve done to look after myself, and write down all the many things I have to feel grateful for etc every day. I need to rest, relax, eat and sleep as well as I can and start to look after my body as well as my mind. I spend so much time looking after people itís easy to forget the basics...Iíve been neglecting that badly. Just not drinking isnít enough to keep me well.

I think I will get through this now ❤️
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Old 05-09-2019, 10:58 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Good for you! Yes, self care is not an option, it's a necessity! One that we so many times put last on the list.

I am so happy that you are doing this, and have a plan going forward. Just remember all of your learned tools when experiences creep up. This is a situation you are handling, it is not handling you!

Well done!
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Old 05-16-2019, 09:29 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Ugh, Iíve had such a sad week.

I work in a school for children with disabilities, some of them life limiting. One of the boys died on Tuesday, he was only 16, and had been with us since he was 4.

I spent yesterday talking to the other children and staff and supporting them through their shock and utter sadness.

Our kids are just amazing and so compassionate over each other. They never complain despite everything they have to deal with.

I feel heartbroken for them and for his parents and siblings. I feel like Iíve got a pain in my chest permanently today.

Weíve lost children before and Iíve been to many funerals, itís a harsh fact of working with these kids.

But this seems to be hurting so much deeper this time. My emotions are so much closer to the surface...
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Old 05-16-2019, 09:52 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Jeniiiiiiii

First of all hello, my friend, Iíve missed you.

Iíve been reading all the answers her Jen and you have had such great advice , I donít think I could add anything better.

I think the fact that you are such an empathetic caring soul is the reason you are going to excel at this.

You are having trouble detaching from the pain as you are so emotionally invested.

But this is what you need to do because you are so good at it.

Treat it the same way as a vet who starts out with all the hope and wide eyed wisdom of saving every animal, then is confronted with things they didnít want to
have to deal with .

You harden up to a certain extent because itís self preservation. Thatís human nature. You just have to.

But when you can learn to compartmentalise seperate issues, you will find it gets a little easier .

Allow yourself to have grief for this wonderful boy , donít let it become all consuming.

If you do, it will affect how you are able to deal with your next issue.
That would be such a disservice to your good intentions Jen.

Allow yourself a certain time to grieve ( I know itís not as easy as saying it ) but it can be done.

This way everyone gets the best of you and you have SO much to give.

This is PERFECT for you and Iím so very proud of you. Not only for your 3 years of sobriety but for what you are now giving back.

Youíre an awesome human Jeni. Iíve always known that. Donít be too hard on yourself and think of how lucky those people who you are helping are.

Breathe, smell the roses and keep being the utter awesomeness that is you Jen
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Old 05-16-2019, 10:11 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Ahh, what a lovely thoughtful post my friend, Iíve really missed you too.

Think Iím really still adjusting to feeling real feelings now and everything seems so painful when I used to be able to tuck things away so well.

My counsellor said that itís like peeling back the layers and it will feel worse before it feels better. I trust her but Iím not used to crying so much and itís so unsettling.

I guess I just need to feel what I need to feel and things will settle down in time.

I hope things are OK with you too ❤️ Xx
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Old 05-20-2019, 02:04 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Oh Jeni, I am so very sorry for your loss.

I know that this is a difficult process, and it is definitely a process. I have full faith in you and I know all the hard work you are putting in now will be well worth it. Hang in there!!!

Sending you big hugs!
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Old 06-10-2019, 04:59 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Hi my friends,

So, I went for my first counselling session today, and sat and cried for the entire time. I felt a complete failure that this spiral into anxiety had started for me again, especially after 3+ years of sobriety.

She was just lovely, told me that I was just re-processing stuff and that I needed to cut myself a bit of slack. Iíve just finished my first year of training to become a childrenís counsellor and this was a normal part of the process. There may be some more work to do around looking at my childhood issues, but in the long run, experiencing things at such a deep level and being able to reflect on that means I will have a great deal of empathy for anyone who may come to me with similar stuff in the future.

I feel so reassured.
Hi Jeni.I was diagnosed with c-PTSD years ago. The sobbing during therapy resonates, itís reliving the traumatic experience all over again. For years I tried to resolve it. Immersion therapy too. Brutal. Earlier this year I did a lot of research on PTSD, much of through sites and for treatments tailored toward military veterans as there are so many of our boys suffering greatly from it due to our wars. I came across ketamine infusion research and treatment that was proving to be so effective in treating PTSD that it was fast tracked by the FDA. I signed up for 6 treatments administer over a 2 week period. Not cured of it, but I swear it changed my life and has allowed me to work with my symptoms in therapy. I am in a far better place now than I was 10 years ago. Not typically covered by insurance, and not cheap, but worth it for me. Beach
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Old 06-19-2019, 07:08 PM   #33 (permalink)
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I was five years sober &loving life when major depression brought me to my knees. I'm convinced that such issues arise when we are able to handle them. By then I was established in a recovery community, I valued sobriety, and I believed I could get better.
My own PTSD story relates to childhood trauma. I was molested, which is bad enough, but I was horribly punished for it. Like so many abused children, I blamed myself; I thought I was responsible. I carried the shame for many years until, with the help of a therapist, I came to realize that I had been overpowered. PTSD for me is when I believe I am being blamed for something I did not do. I get stuck. I try to prove I did not do something. I become desperate and emotional and panicky. And of course, it just gets worse. When I see it coming I feel "sucker punched": I cannot breathe, I am overwhelmed. The world is spinning and I feel that I am being sucked into a vortex.
For most of my life--before I understood the dynamics--I had a need to win and be right. I kept reliving the experience before I understood what I was doing. I've made improvements, but sometimes I'll have an experience that scratches that still-sensitive wound. I melt down. I am reminded that I still have unresolved issues. Mindfulness helps. I need to remain self-aware, but this is hard.
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