InParticular

Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a narcissist before? I just had a seven month relationship with one who was also my boss, it was basically a nightmare with highs and lows, no trust, self esteem seriously affected, she told me in many different ways how I was not good enough, my character was flawed, she didn't trust me ever because of my open nature, etc etc. I just broke it off after another mind game and fight after promising myself I wouldn't go through it again. Missing her very much, feels alot like quitting alcohol really, like an addiction to a person.
Anyway just wondering if anyone else has ever gone through this.
Lots of love.

Astro

Hi IP, we do have a Relationships forum you may consider posting this in? I'm sure you'll get some responses here too.

InParticular

Thank you Astro I did do that

Purplrks3647

Yes it is like an addiction....I read somewhere that it takes longer to get over relationships with narcissists than regular breakups. Narcissists will target good-hearted strong empaths so they can suck the life out of them, because they are weak by themselves. "Gray Rock" is one of the methods to use. Speaking from experience it does get better, even though it feels like forever. It's got to be even tougher if you still work together, though.

There are also online forums which focus on support from narcissist abuse ....maybe you've seen them already.

Best of luck to you! Stay strong

trailmix

Hi, yes I have.

I'll tell you what really helped me in the aftermath. I stopped thinking of him as two people/personalities. He wasn't and isn't.

Once I really wrapped my head around that, totally dismissing him from my life was a lot easier. I sent him a message saying I don't think we should talk for a while and never spoke to him again.

I don't miss him, will never see him again and don't care.

So work on that is my suggestion. Make a list of every terrible thing she did and said and refer to it often - 20 times a day if needed, so you don't allow yourself to get caught up in the "good times".

Pathwaytofree

I second what Purplrks3647 said. Every word. Good luck.

InParticular

Thank you very much. Of course I am already slipping into that mode of missing her desperately and reaching out....luckily this time I had the foresight to delete her so I couldn't do that. But am still thinking, thinking, thinking about it. Thank you for that advice. I should do that, I know there were a lot of reasons why I need to not talk to her again. Have to just be strong right now.

trailmix

Yes, please be strong, you don't want to slip back in to that particular hell!

Some other things that helped. Keeping busy. Now I tried the cleaning the house thing etc, this didn't help much because it didn't keep my mind occupied at all and I found what really helped was giving my mind a break from all the rumination.

I started watching action movies (soooo far from what I would normally watch) I found two things, one - action movies are good for this type of thing because your mind can wander for a few mins and who cares, more action to follow and two, I like marvel comic movies lol

I dragged myself out for walks, although I didn't feel like it, I always felt better afterward.

After hibernating for a few weeks (recovering takes time!) I started going out, places where there was live music etc. Joined a meet-up group (again - so totally out of the realm of what I would normally do).

There are lots of interesting things to do in the world and you have access to a lot of them I'm sure, make it an adventure.

The mind likes to forget the pain and remember the good, that's human nature (hence making the list).

MindfulMan

There is only one really good strategy for dealing with a toxic narcissist.

Run away, screaming.

InParticular

Thank you so much for your helpful words. I had a weak moment yesterday and found her number and unblocked her. I haven't messaged her though, just now sort of waiting for her to message me, in this limbo. I'm struggling with "never" speaking to or seeing her again. I thought she was the one, such high hopes. I think I'll find the strength to block her again today.
I saw her the other day driving by a coffee shop I work in often, looking in. It was unnerving and I think threw me off a bit.
Such a mess. Thank you for your support

trailmix

Hi IP, yes, I didn't block the Narc either, I figured if he wanted to contact me eventually and ask why I didn't want to speak I would explain that.

I too was nervous about NEVER speaking to him again. So I didn't think of it that way. Not in a "fool yourself that this is only a temp break" kind of way - but the truth was I could pick up the phone and call at any time or email/text etc.

In fact I pocket called him once by mistake and he texted to make sure I was ok, which I was (deleted his number shortly after that so it wouldn't happen again).

So yes, you could call her right now, but the question is, should you? What is good for you?

Do you need that kind of thing in your life? Who does that? Who puts down a person they say they care about? Would you ever even be that mean to yourself let alone someone else?

So, no, you don't have to make any life long decisions today, but I guarantee you, the further you get away from her the clearer you will see how negatively this is impacting your life. You deserve respect and kindness, you won't find that with her.

Astro

I've gotta agree with trailmix, I chased a woman for years who would pull me close, then reject me and put me down. It was making a mental wreck of me, and the whole time the wonderful woman that I would eventually marry was wondering why I kept falling for the obviously wrong person. It took me awhile to realize what a huge mistake I kept making.

InParticular

Thank you so much you guys, I really needed to read this right now, I heard from a friend that she is at home because her mother is very sick, and now I'm dealing with guilt feelings, that I should reach out, one of the things she would get mad at me about was that I wasn't caring enough. It's all just so confusing. Also had a dream about her last night, woke up missing her. Just wish it would all go away.

I'm just tired of feeling like a victim.

trailmix

Well from your reaction, doesn't sound like you are uncaring?

You know, when someone lays all those negative descriptions on you, they can play on your mind. The reason is low self-esteem / low self-worth.

You aren't even willing to give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

Are you uncaring and blah blah blah quack quack quack (quacking is a term we use i the F&F forum).

I mean really, when you sit and think about it, are you all those negative things? I mean I don't know you but you don't seem like a bad person, you're hurting, that doesn't seem like a reaction from a person who is deficient in feelings?

Remember the source and remember why. Why did she say those things to you? Venting? Taking her negativity out on you? Mirroring what she is on to you? Could be a number of reasons, but none of them are good. Good people don't abuse other people regularly.

I hope you are writing up the list. She is not the "wonderful woman" that you are hoping she is?

InParticular

Thank you so much. Yes I have made the list. It will help for five minutes, ha. I'm barely hanging on by a thread here.

trailmix

One day at a time - or one hour at a time if need be.

Don't glorify her, don't think she is the only fish in the sea.

What exactly do you see in her?

InParticular

She's hilarious, we make each other laugh all the time. I thought she was loving and kind and generous but now I'm not sure. She was amazingly affectionate and made me feel good about myself.
But when she got mad she turned into an awful, yelling, punishing person. I could never reconcile the two people and which is why I'm still so torn about it. Who is she??? And how much am I to blame, etc etc etc.

trailmix

Actually the narc I dated (for a year and a half) was the same. I was wonderful, pretty perfect it seemed (i'm not btw, perfect that is - haha).

He was also funny, made me laugh a LOT (in the beginning) not so much later on. Once we were more comfortable he would go in to rages sometimes and scream and yell and argue. I remember once saying enough, just enough, you need to stop - and he didn't, he just kept on venting. What an ass.

Here is one thing I observed. With a narcissist, they tend to mirror you. You like steak, they like steak too! Chocolate cake is your favourite dessert - hey theirs too and they have it on hand at their house.

You want to go out for coffee at 1 AM - hey they do too! No matter what I liked, he did too.

It didn't really register with me until later actually, when I was away from him.

They say things but then when you actually stand back you realize the words don't match actions. He LOVED the outdoors, camping, cooking outside - quack quack quack. Long story short, I realized later on that wasn't him really, it was his brother that was the outdoor kind of guy.

Narcissists are like a vacuum, where there should be a personality there is just a big void waiting to be filled (with your likes, dislikes and energy). Now whether the woman you were dating is a person with true NPD or just high on the narcissism scale, no one can say, except a psychologist and they aren't going there because why would they, there is nothing wrong with them!

Does she ever talk about her faults, does she have any?

trailmix

You can't blame yourself for her behaviour. Say you two have a disagreement, that's when two adults sit down and discuss things, it's not some screaming match.

If it is, that's about her wanting control, which has exactly zero to do with you.

She isn't two people, she is one, she is both the funny, generous etc person and the raging witch. Is that what you want/need in a relationship?

InParticular

No, it is not. I did an exercise today with a family member, figuring out what I do indeed want in a relationship.
I realized that the most important thing to me in a relationship is one where I can be completely myself. Which I could not be with her. Always tiptoeing around and trying not to make waves......
Thank you so much for your help. I am feeling much better today, about everything.