Struggling today...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Struggling today...
It's been awhile since I've posted on here. Normally, I try to tackle my own issues on my own, but tonight, I'm struggling...
To give a little context about myself, I originally became a member of this forum years ago in an effort to find help for my mental-emotional issues that I had problems dealing with back then. Unlike many who use this website, I'm fortunate in that I've managed to dodge substance addiction in my life (despite having been raised in an extremely alcoholic environment during my entire childhood and teen years). But with that in mind, it left some major hurdles for me to jump over all throughout my entire life, even up to now.
Fast-forward to today and I'm now 36, living on my own in a home that suffers some pretty significant basement leaks when rain is in the forecast which is going to require thousands of dollars to get ahead of. I have no girlfriend nor friends that I hang out with and most of my time is spent either working-out at the gym or doing things around my house. I also binge on watching things I've seen countless times before if not because I love watching the movies or shows then definitely just so I have some sort of background noise to hear (which in and of itself is depressing). On the bright side, I work for my Alma Mater as a "Programmer Analyst," which is a generic way of saying that I do various forms of computer and web application development. Despite the fact that it has difficult days, overall, it's a pretty good job when considering my economically-atrophied geographical location in the Midwest.
The bad thing is that working in IT for all this time has resulted in my anxiety being a major problem in my life. I constantly deal with other peoples' problems, which is actually somewhat fulfilling when I'm able to fix their issues...but during times when something can't be fixed--for whatever reasons--it causes me to get sad on myself. I also struggle with my own IT issues at times, such as the one I was trying to understand last night when my little niece told me on Facebook about a text-message that she apparently received from my phone number that looked like a malicious spam message (which didn't appear to be sent from my phone per-my "sent" items). So logically, I immediately ran an anti-virus scan on my phone and my computer to ensure nothing was infected, and thankfully, it all came back with good bills-of-health. So I told her to do the same for her phone thinking it might be possible that her phone is infected. This isn't the only time I've had things like this happen to me because not long ago, I was dealing with e-mail messages that were trying to "sextort" me through Bitcoin using credential information as leverage from systems that had been exploited years ago. Sadly, these things appear to be common in today's digital world.
I hate to admit it, but I think about suicide all the time. I think about all the issues I go through each day, with either my house woes, my car or truck problems, or the things I deal with where things might be hacked or broken. All I sometimes think about each day is finally giving-in and throwing this world "the bird" in a self-inflicted resort of escapism. (Don't worry, I'll never do it, but I do think about doing it all the time.) In the end, I know I have it better than many might because I do have things in my life worth being proud of or happy about but I really struggle with remembering those things when I'm neck-deep worrying about that next e-mail or text-message indicating that some thing has been hacked or the next rainstorm in the forecast that might cause one of my basement walls to collapse... Or that next "check engine" light flaring up in my console... Making matters even worse, I don't have anyone in my life that I can confide in anymore--no companion or even close friend--and when I think about it, why on Earth would anyone ever want to share my life when half the time all I ever do is worry about stuff that I almost never have real control over? I mean, I've done everything possible to secure things, repair things, replace things...and despite these ordeals, I'm actually in a decent financial state and I can honestly say that I think my stuff is okay, but after all that, I still have no control over any of it and it makes me cry. I just can't stop feeling hopelessness about it all, whether it be about some stupid account from some website or something physical with the house or car / truck: I just can't stop worrying about any of it. It's always on my mind.
All I ever feel anymore is just sadness and hopelessness and I'm really struggling to shake it off. Usually these "bouts" last a day or so (if and when they even happen) and eventually, I overcome them and move forward again from where I left off, but when you're dealing with things you technically have absolutely no control over (i.e. - someone or some thing spoofing your phone number in text messages sent to a niece or rain cells coming for your basement, or thermostats giving out on your truck or car that you break bolts in the engine block for when trying to repair it yourself, etc.); you're sort of left with nothing else to feel but constant sadness and hopelessness. And what's even sadder about this is that I have absolutely nobody to talk to whom I feel comfortable talking about these things with. I can't talk to my most trusted person anymore (my grandmother) because every time her and I speak about this stuff, it either turns into a political tangent or else I just get nothing from the exchange except frustration because she just can't relate to these things I deal with (which I don't really blame her for). And my sister--whom I love and adore with everything I have--is just too engrossed into her own life (and especially, her boyfriend) to really have conversations with. She's one of those kinds of people that once she has a partner, you never hear from her. And well, I just don't have any friends anymore. I mean, I haven't had real, honest-to-god friends since my undergrad, which is about 10+ years ago.
So, here I am, whining, and I do apologize for it. I thought that posting here would at least give me a means to vent about things like my IT adventures, the storms and my basement, the car and truck stuff, etc. My life really just sucks sometimes and it's nice to let some of it out every now-and-again.
Thanks for reading.
To give a little context about myself, I originally became a member of this forum years ago in an effort to find help for my mental-emotional issues that I had problems dealing with back then. Unlike many who use this website, I'm fortunate in that I've managed to dodge substance addiction in my life (despite having been raised in an extremely alcoholic environment during my entire childhood and teen years). But with that in mind, it left some major hurdles for me to jump over all throughout my entire life, even up to now.
Fast-forward to today and I'm now 36, living on my own in a home that suffers some pretty significant basement leaks when rain is in the forecast which is going to require thousands of dollars to get ahead of. I have no girlfriend nor friends that I hang out with and most of my time is spent either working-out at the gym or doing things around my house. I also binge on watching things I've seen countless times before if not because I love watching the movies or shows then definitely just so I have some sort of background noise to hear (which in and of itself is depressing). On the bright side, I work for my Alma Mater as a "Programmer Analyst," which is a generic way of saying that I do various forms of computer and web application development. Despite the fact that it has difficult days, overall, it's a pretty good job when considering my economically-atrophied geographical location in the Midwest.
The bad thing is that working in IT for all this time has resulted in my anxiety being a major problem in my life. I constantly deal with other peoples' problems, which is actually somewhat fulfilling when I'm able to fix their issues...but during times when something can't be fixed--for whatever reasons--it causes me to get sad on myself. I also struggle with my own IT issues at times, such as the one I was trying to understand last night when my little niece told me on Facebook about a text-message that she apparently received from my phone number that looked like a malicious spam message (which didn't appear to be sent from my phone per-my "sent" items). So logically, I immediately ran an anti-virus scan on my phone and my computer to ensure nothing was infected, and thankfully, it all came back with good bills-of-health. So I told her to do the same for her phone thinking it might be possible that her phone is infected. This isn't the only time I've had things like this happen to me because not long ago, I was dealing with e-mail messages that were trying to "sextort" me through Bitcoin using credential information as leverage from systems that had been exploited years ago. Sadly, these things appear to be common in today's digital world.
I hate to admit it, but I think about suicide all the time. I think about all the issues I go through each day, with either my house woes, my car or truck problems, or the things I deal with where things might be hacked or broken. All I sometimes think about each day is finally giving-in and throwing this world "the bird" in a self-inflicted resort of escapism. (Don't worry, I'll never do it, but I do think about doing it all the time.) In the end, I know I have it better than many might because I do have things in my life worth being proud of or happy about but I really struggle with remembering those things when I'm neck-deep worrying about that next e-mail or text-message indicating that some thing has been hacked or the next rainstorm in the forecast that might cause one of my basement walls to collapse... Or that next "check engine" light flaring up in my console... Making matters even worse, I don't have anyone in my life that I can confide in anymore--no companion or even close friend--and when I think about it, why on Earth would anyone ever want to share my life when half the time all I ever do is worry about stuff that I almost never have real control over? I mean, I've done everything possible to secure things, repair things, replace things...and despite these ordeals, I'm actually in a decent financial state and I can honestly say that I think my stuff is okay, but after all that, I still have no control over any of it and it makes me cry. I just can't stop feeling hopelessness about it all, whether it be about some stupid account from some website or something physical with the house or car / truck: I just can't stop worrying about any of it. It's always on my mind.
All I ever feel anymore is just sadness and hopelessness and I'm really struggling to shake it off. Usually these "bouts" last a day or so (if and when they even happen) and eventually, I overcome them and move forward again from where I left off, but when you're dealing with things you technically have absolutely no control over (i.e. - someone or some thing spoofing your phone number in text messages sent to a niece or rain cells coming for your basement, or thermostats giving out on your truck or car that you break bolts in the engine block for when trying to repair it yourself, etc.); you're sort of left with nothing else to feel but constant sadness and hopelessness. And what's even sadder about this is that I have absolutely nobody to talk to whom I feel comfortable talking about these things with. I can't talk to my most trusted person anymore (my grandmother) because every time her and I speak about this stuff, it either turns into a political tangent or else I just get nothing from the exchange except frustration because she just can't relate to these things I deal with (which I don't really blame her for). And my sister--whom I love and adore with everything I have--is just too engrossed into her own life (and especially, her boyfriend) to really have conversations with. She's one of those kinds of people that once she has a partner, you never hear from her. And well, I just don't have any friends anymore. I mean, I haven't had real, honest-to-god friends since my undergrad, which is about 10+ years ago.
So, here I am, whining, and I do apologize for it. I thought that posting here would at least give me a means to vent about things like my IT adventures, the storms and my basement, the car and truck stuff, etc. My life really just sucks sometimes and it's nice to let some of it out every now-and-again.
Thanks for reading.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi Wolf - good to see you again - sorry you're so low tho....U didn;t read it as you whining either.
I know you said you'll never act on it, but maybe there's a reading here or a number you might call in this link just to get some one on one connection with someone else for a while?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
I just wanted you to know that today you've been heard
D
I know you said you'll never act on it, but maybe there's a reading here or a number you might call in this link just to get some one on one connection with someone else for a while?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
I just wanted you to know that today you've been heard
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,327
Yeah I'm suffering from depression at the moment and relate to much of what you've written. It's a real drag when there just seems to be BS on top of BS and then no one at home to talk to about it. The endless negative thinking loops are exhausting.
Also I'm going through some unwanted radical life changes right now - aside from getting sober for the first time - and I'm just gonna hold on for dear life. See where the wind takes me. I can't stress or even care anymore. I've used up all my fight for sobriety.
Also I'm going through some unwanted radical life changes right now - aside from getting sober for the first time - and I'm just gonna hold on for dear life. See where the wind takes me. I can't stress or even care anymore. I've used up all my fight for sobriety.
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
I appreciate the heads-up about the number, D. If things get to that point, I'll use it. I know I came across pretty seriously in my post and indeed, I am serious about everything I mentioned, but I don't think it's going to get to that point. But sometimes you have to let some honest steam out, ya know?
Tetrax, it sucks, doesn't it? It sounds like you're around the floor level I am with things... Sorry to hear it. I guess one thing I can say--and know for a fact--is that these things come and go. Sooner or later, this, too, shall pass.
Tetrax, it sucks, doesn't it? It sounds like you're around the floor level I am with things... Sorry to hear it. I guess one thing I can say--and know for a fact--is that these things come and go. Sooner or later, this, too, shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,059
Sorry everything is so blah Wolf.
I too suffer depression. Just yesterday my sudden realisation that in all probability I will live another 30 years plus was not a pleasant one. Not feeling like this. I don't like waking up.
I too suffer depression. Just yesterday my sudden realisation that in all probability I will live another 30 years plus was not a pleasant one. Not feeling like this. I don't like waking up.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Sending prayers, support, and hugs your way. Depression sucks but you are being heard by us. I have found over the years that there's no need for me to be lonely or feel emptiness, but I have to take steps every day to crawl out of the darkness and into some light.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 2,099
positive thoughts your way Wolf.
Your post rang true to me in so many ways,
All I ever feel anymore is just sadness and hopelessness and I'm really struggling to shake it off
This sums up my emotions and feeling very much right now, I am not thinking suicide, but rather going away and distancing myself from everyone. as it is I am just "here" hoping not to be noticed by anyone.
We can do this, figure out how to be happy again.
Badge
Your post rang true to me in so many ways,
All I ever feel anymore is just sadness and hopelessness and I'm really struggling to shake it off
This sums up my emotions and feeling very much right now, I am not thinking suicide, but rather going away and distancing myself from everyone. as it is I am just "here" hoping not to be noticed by anyone.
We can do this, figure out how to be happy again.
Badge
Want to form an alliance? :.)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 220
Thanks, Badge and Astro. For me, these things usually blow over at some point.
I know that much of my problem right now is anxiety-related. Worrying all the time about so many things all at once takes a toll on you after awhile, especially with me and things pertaining to online fraud or unauthorized access or uses of stuff. Between worrying about someone out there in the world spoofing my phone number and sending me malicious e-mails, etc. and worrying about my home, the basement and its walls when it rains, and my car or truck... It all just becomes overwhelming and drains everything out of me. I won't even bring up the things I go through with relationships... Ugh.
But I do my best with the things I can. I've tried to secure as many online things as I know how to, I use great passwords for everything, and I also use multi-factor stuff every time it's available combined with pretty sophisticated means of preventing things like bots and hackers from breaking into stuff. To add to this, I also keep a clean system with up-to-date anti-virus products, so I feel pretty good about my end of things like this... And over in the physical world, I've been doing great with saving up money for the work that's required for the time I finally start in on my basement repairs. I'm hoping to get that going by April (and as long as no surprises happen, I think I'll be able to, money-wise). And so far, both of my vehicles seem to be running okay. In the end, I know I have it better than many in the world, which makes it sometimes difficult to feel as if it's okay to reach out for any kind of support with these things but its just been extremely difficult lately to the point of breaking down in sobs of whatever and when you're in that situation, well, the world is a cold place that anyone would be desperate to find comfort from.
I know that much of my problem right now is anxiety-related. Worrying all the time about so many things all at once takes a toll on you after awhile, especially with me and things pertaining to online fraud or unauthorized access or uses of stuff. Between worrying about someone out there in the world spoofing my phone number and sending me malicious e-mails, etc. and worrying about my home, the basement and its walls when it rains, and my car or truck... It all just becomes overwhelming and drains everything out of me. I won't even bring up the things I go through with relationships... Ugh.
But I do my best with the things I can. I've tried to secure as many online things as I know how to, I use great passwords for everything, and I also use multi-factor stuff every time it's available combined with pretty sophisticated means of preventing things like bots and hackers from breaking into stuff. To add to this, I also keep a clean system with up-to-date anti-virus products, so I feel pretty good about my end of things like this... And over in the physical world, I've been doing great with saving up money for the work that's required for the time I finally start in on my basement repairs. I'm hoping to get that going by April (and as long as no surprises happen, I think I'll be able to, money-wise). And so far, both of my vehicles seem to be running okay. In the end, I know I have it better than many in the world, which makes it sometimes difficult to feel as if it's okay to reach out for any kind of support with these things but its just been extremely difficult lately to the point of breaking down in sobs of whatever and when you're in that situation, well, the world is a cold place that anyone would be desperate to find comfort from.
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