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Old 05-12-2019, 08:06 AM   #161 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by LaceyDallas View Post
At the the end of the day, I really don't care that much about my own life.
I felt that way 14 years ago Lacey, but as my time in recovery went on I began to value myself again and it didn't take too long to see that I really never had to drink again to feel right, I could move on without my wife and meet someone else rather than feeling like she had a sick, twisted grip on me, and I could be a father, husband, and friend to people who wanted me in their lives. It's pretty freeing to break away from the insanity and to stop repeating our same behavior and expecting a different result.

Your life is of value, you can stop choosing the devil, and it all begins with making a choice.
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Old 05-12-2019, 05:02 PM   #162 (permalink)
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I f***ing hate living here so much. It's nonstop noise. I'm just going to the gym until it's time to go to work/
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Old 05-13-2019, 02:55 AM   #163 (permalink)
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I'm okay today. I guess the thing that makes the ED different than alcohol is that you can do it a little bit (at least at first). When I was drinking, I was either sober or in a blackout. There was no in between. And it feels less threatening- who gets arrested for not eating or driving under the influence of feeling fat? No one ODs from it (although it is actually quite fatal). But I guess I always feel like I can engage for a while and then quit, or as long as I'm not bingeing and purging (which is HELL) then I'm okay.

I really do like the life life I have and I don't want to screw it up, so there's that.

My my mom is also sick, and because of her own addictions/ED (which may very well be the reason she is sick) she is unlikely to follow through with treatment. This worries me, particularly now that I'm 350 miles away. She is supposedly getting some tests done this week. We will see. But if they tell her to quit drinking or get surgery, that's never going to happen.
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Old 05-13-2019, 10:07 PM   #164 (permalink)
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Hi Lacey, I've lurked on your thread but never commented before. I think a lot of people here can relate to having to confront "less damaging" forms of addiction after quitting their DOC. I'm not an AA person but do understand the steps provide a way to get at the root issues beneath those behaviors. Imo there are lots of other valid paths too.

You explain it perfectly when you say "I only feel emotions about food and losing weight". And if it's not about that, I'm betting it's about the guy. I had to stop assigning my emotions to another person, substance, or idea (being thin, how much I weigh). This is simply a narrative or soundtrack I'm creating to make sense of the pain, anger, frustrations, etc. that would be there regardless. If I stop the narrative I take back my power to own and manage what's going on within myself.

It's a cliche but have you tired yoga and meditation? Have you delved into spirituality on your own terms? Have you opened yourself to the possibility of dating other people? People who are emotionally and physically available.. At this point it seems your obsession with the guy and food are intertwined, but neither of those things define you. You are worthy of receiving as much as you give in a relationship.

Glad you've found a job you're happier with now at least, wishing you the best..
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Old 05-14-2019, 07:22 AM   #165 (permalink)
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Hi Lacey.

I think going no contact in every way with this man would allow you to focus on yourself, not in some competitive crazy way, but more of a be your best self sort of way. Mental and physical health. Their relationship is messing with your head, and it's not healthy in any way. So just like you should do with anything not healthy in your life, cut it out. You deserve to be YOU, your happiest self.

You can support your mom, but you cannot make her take care of herself. However, you can be an example to her by taking care of you, while still being there for her for support.

Sending you a big hug. You deserve a good life, but you are in the drivers seat.
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Old 05-21-2019, 02:53 AM   #166 (permalink)
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I'm doing better. I'm taking concrete steps reccomended by OA to address my problems. Part of the issue I always had was, do I do things the way they told me to in ED recovery programs, or so I do things the way OA says? B cause it's really two different ways. Finally, I'm thinking OA is the way to go, because I've been trying the ED recovery way for five years and it isn't working out, while my friends are recovering in OA. Granted, they're compulsive Overeaters, but I really feel like I have more in common with them since my primary problem is bulimia.

i just kicked two "friends" out of my life. It's been a long time coming and it's for the best. I'm going to be lonely for a while, but I can't take them anymore. They're just not people a healthy person would associate with.

The guy- I'm evaluating it. I think we are both evaluating it since I posted some disturbing ED stuff he saw about a week ago. TBH, I don't know if it will ever be the same. I don't know if it SHOULD be the same. He's really moving away from the person I liked anymore. This girl is only part of that.

He will find out the hard way. A big wake up call is coming for him career wise. She won't stick around. Part of me wanted to hang on until then (hence the reference to ten months), but part of me is so off-put by the whole thing that I don't even know if I like who he is becoming these days. He is going to have to go through everything I went through in the past year- hitting that iceberg professionally, losing a lot of who you thought you were and rebuilding, etc. if I like him on the other side, it's a possibility, but I just don't know if I feel like dealing with it for the intervening ten months and the year it's going to take him to figure out how far off course he's gotten. I can't say I honestly care what happens to him at this point. He's become arrogant, and that's just about my least favorite characteristic. Well, let me tell you, buddy- the world will not hesitate to bring you to your knees, and when it does, he will fall hard, because unlike me, this will really be the first time he's ever failed at anything in his life. I'm not saying this to be a b****, but quite frankly, he needs to go through this. He really does. He's brought the bulk of it on himself, through his own actions and with his own ego and with running around town like a damned teenager in this stupid relationship. Sometimes I look at him and he's so far from the person I originally became interested in that I don't even know what I'm doing.

The incident that prompted me posting the unhealthy things keeps playing in my mind, and it just really makes me see him as someone who might not even deserve me. Maybe he deserves the woman he's with now, who, for all her lack of a criminal record, certainly does not act classy or appropriate. Im not being jealous, but quite frankly- she's just trash. I would never conduct myself in the way that she does. The only reason society gives her a psss is because she is a person of privilege- as I am not, so I am judged for taking off my clothes for money when I would have been homeless without it in college, or going to jail in the midst of my addiction- even though these things were nearly twenty years ago. The double standard is just ridiculous.

Today- in 2019- I'm educated, intelligent, well spoken, I've owned houses, worked professional jobs, and I'm passed over for someone who has accomplished none of the above. It makes me think that maybe he's not the person I thought he was. A large part of me, quite frankly, doesn't even care anymore. He already knows everything about me. If he's not interested, that's fine. There is literally nothing else I can do.
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:38 AM   #167 (permalink)
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I posted the truth: him consigning her openly slutty behavior, while refusing to talk to me because my past includes adult entertainment- it just hurt me and drove me to want to relapse. It takes me to a place where I feel dirty and ashamed and not good enough, and these were all very, very powerful feelings behind what caused me to get and stay sick. I basically put it all out there- Idk if any of this is healthy for me, and if he's so sure she's the one and sure he's never going to give me the time of day, maybe he should block me, or cease visiting my page.

there. I said it. I guess I really don't have to starve myself to make a point.
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Old 05-21-2019, 05:21 AM   #168 (permalink)
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I really think that you just need to put him out of your mind all together, Lacey, it's just bringing up negative thinking. Ultimately what happens to him is none of your business anyway unless you have a contract. Take all of your talent and strength and just walk away from it all.
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Old 05-21-2019, 08:32 AM   #169 (permalink)
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I have to agree. You are working on YOU right now, and he is definitely not helping you see yourself in a positive light. We all have things in our past. Big deal. We get past them and we make ourselves into who we want to be. It takes time and commitment, and having people in your life who are not helping you do just that is nothing but a hinderence.

Keep working Lacey. You have it in you to be whomever you want to be!
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Old 05-22-2019, 03:29 AM   #170 (permalink)
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It's really easy to just be like, move on. End of discussion. It was over eight years of my life. It's not like flipping a light switch. It's a process, and I'm incredibly proud of myself for making it this far. Examining him and his choices and the inevitable outcome of those choices allows me to see his flaws, something I've shielded myself from for a very long time. I don't know if I like the person he's becoming, which begs the question: why am I even doing all of this? A part of me was holding on, to be the one person who stuck by his side through it all, but to be frank- he doesn't deserve that, with the way he is acting. And I don't deserve the discomfort it's going to put me through for the next year or so to be there for him. There's no guarantees anyway, and unless he eats a BIG slice of humble pie and does a 180 back to who he was, I'm not even interested at this point, or in a year.

ive worked with battered women (not that this is the same) and I just feel like people get frustrated when you don't just get over life-altering situations in like 24 hours. That's not realistic. I never claimed to be some resentment free AA guru, either. I'm human, and I'm working through this without any outside help, or even one person in my life who even knows this is happening. I think I've come a long way from someone who would basically be non-functional if he ceased to show interest in me, and now I'm being honest enough to come right out and say things that might very well cause him to never come back- and that's totally fine. And I'm doing all of this while I'm being completely dedicated to not engaging in ANY behaviors in a city where I still don't know anyone.
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Old 05-22-2019, 05:14 PM   #171 (permalink)
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So I'm in the ER because I was bit by the stupid f****g cat I was trying to help. Remind me to NEVER do that again. It literally attacked me. I've worked with fetal and homeless cats for over ten years and I've never had anything like this happen. Oh- and I have no insurance. And everyone in (state name) is in this ER right now. and I have to work tonight.
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Old 05-22-2019, 08:40 PM   #172 (permalink)
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4.5 hours of ERslater and I have yet to be seen. Someone had to stay and cover me at work. This is beyond ridiculous.
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Old 05-22-2019, 10:30 PM   #173 (permalink)
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Its1:29 am and I'm still here. I hate my life sometimes.
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Old 05-23-2019, 06:07 AM   #174 (permalink)
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So it took until 2;30 to be seen, I worked the rest of the night and then it took me two hours to get home this morning. Oh, and the injections (5 intramuscular shots, still have to go back for more) alone cost between 10-20k, so I'm probably going to have to go into bankruptcy over this.

THIS is the kind of random "death spiral" I find myself in. I do one random thing (and keep in mind I used to work with feral cat colonies for YEARS and nothing remotely like this EVER happened) and then, all of a sudden, in a matter of hours, my life is in ruins, I am crying, wandering the streets of a strange town, 20,000 in debt, praying to God I don't lose my job. Somehow it just doesn't seem fair, especially in light of the fact that I was trying to do something to help something. It all just SPIRALS. And addiction doesn't even have anything to do with it. When I left the hospital, I couldn't find my car, and all I could think is, I'm going to lose another job- and it's not my fault. WHY does this keep happening?!?! At that point, I was starving and exhausted- I really hadn't eaten or slept in 24 hours, because I was supposed to do both in the seven hours I spent in the ERs. It was just a nightmare.

Im going to have to talk to a lawyer when these bills start to come in. I guess the only good thing is, it's not like I had good credit in the first place?
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Old 05-23-2019, 06:17 AM   #175 (permalink)
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Life is always going to throw curveballs at us Lacey, rather than looking at them as "death spirals" I now view them as challenges that I've been equipped to overcome in recovery. There's an answer out there for paying the ER bills, maybe a payment plan? Speaking to a lawyer will only add to what you owe. It may be necessary, but how about waiting until you actually get the bill and then try to work out a plan?
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Old 05-23-2019, 07:25 AM   #176 (permalink)
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If it's like 20k, which these particular medications are marked up exhorbinantly, there's just no way. The 20k could be for the medications alone. I can try to get medical assistance to cover it, but who knows. I'm not paying 30k for a hospital bill when I make 30k.
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