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Old 04-14-2019, 04:56 AM   #141 (permalink)
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So I threw myself in front of him, and said I need help and he seemed very concerned. But, I couldn't get the words out, so I just handed him the card and said my information is on the card and left. We have this beyond complicated interpersonal thing that just needs to turn into a real relationship or die, so who knows what he will do? Idk. I have another restaurant interview tomorrow. All I can do is keep trying.

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Old 04-14-2019, 10:12 PM   #142 (permalink)
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You do have a complicated "relationship" with this person, and that would lead me to caution about how much investment I would put into seeing something develop out of it for work or otherwise.

Trying to grow something out of the type of connection that you have with him seems risky. Are you really ready to open yourself up to such a situation, again? I just am concerned that you might feel hurt if nothing comes from this. You have been through so much already.
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Old 04-15-2019, 06:28 AM   #143 (permalink)
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I get it- that he can't really do this right now. I'm not mad or hurt. I understand. I don't think I will hear from him or his staff. Maybe I will be pleasantly surprised. As always, he is checking me on my site that he follows. He is still interested in me and my life from afar.

i have a job interview today, but I'm not feeling well, so I'm kind of just wanting to get it over with at this point tbh.
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Old 04-16-2019, 05:54 AM   #144 (permalink)
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Dress up and wear a smile Lacey, this job could be what God has planned for you, and even if it's not it's still good practice to act "as if".
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Old 04-16-2019, 09:31 AM   #145 (permalink)
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So, at least I have a serverposition. I start tomorrow. I'm grateful, because it allows me breathing room to find something more permanent, and to explore maybe even going back to school. i am applying to an alternative certification program for teaching in a neighboring state (commuting distance). It's a long shot, but it is a lifelong dream, and out of like all 50 states, this is my best shot. I will know in August.
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Old 04-16-2019, 11:26 AM   #146 (permalink)
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Lacey, take this position and work hard. Prove yourself. Experience is a key, even if you are overqualified. Show they you are a hard worker and prove yourself so when it's time to have references you have them.

It's interesting. I went to college and worked in a bar/grill all through. I worked with about 5 other people who all stayed there all through college. Even though none had a major in the field, three of the five are now either in a major position of running catering for a big hotel chain, and two are managers of big restaurants. All pulling in over $100k per year.

So even when you think it may not lead to much, if you create the right type of reputation for yourself, and only you can do that, it can lead to great things.

Big hugs. I know you can do this!
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Old 04-17-2019, 06:04 AM   #147 (permalink)
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I'm happy to hear you got the job Lacey, it will provide income and maybe you'll meet some new friends. I'm a government worker, but I still work two other side jobs for extra income, and one of them is my "fun" job at a concert venue.
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Old 04-17-2019, 07:22 AM   #148 (permalink)
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Congratulations with the new job Lacey, stupidly it's always easier to get a job when you already have one. As you say this will at least take a bit of pressure off.
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Old 04-17-2019, 04:23 PM   #149 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaceyDallas View Post
What every addict wants- to live with it. To have your poison in your life, and control it.

To eat eat enough to function and lose weight, but not get my life all screwed up like last time.

To use symptoms to feel better, but not to the point that it takes over my life.

i know...I know...THATS realistic...lol...

i love this kind of honesty which i rarely encounter
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Old 04-20-2019, 05:54 PM   #150 (permalink)
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I want to go home. I don't want to be here. It's loud 24/7 and I'm just not in the mood for it sometimes. I just want to open the door and scream SHUT UP. But, I'd probably die.

its really, really not going well. I had a complete breakdown and cried for like three hours today.

i hate that i hat I asked him for help and he's ignoring me. If I had two wishes they'd be:

our paths had had never crossed, and if someone said his name, I'd literally be like, who is that?

i never bought the house in County that kicked off the downward spiral of my life
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Old 04-20-2019, 07:04 PM   #151 (permalink)
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You're a smart person, Lacey, and you know that you cannot wish this away. If you needed to let out that emotion today, that's good, but you're going to have to do something to make things a little better.

I'm not a confrontational person, so I'd probably try to get something like ear plugs to mask the noise that would be driving me to distraction.

Your feelings are real, but you have to let your rational side guide you through this time of feeling left alone to your own wits.
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Old 04-21-2019, 08:02 AM   #152 (permalink)
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I've experienced the noisy apartment complex and the anxiety over relationships in early recovery, Lacey. It was crushing to my emotions. By persevering what I gained was gratitude for a place to live, new friendships that opened up, and opportunity to put the past behind and start a clean life anew.
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Old 05-09-2019, 10:59 AM   #153 (permalink)
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Just thinking of you Lacey and hoping you are doing well!
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Old 05-09-2019, 08:10 PM   #154 (permalink)
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I'm actually doing really good! No more waitressing for me! I am working in a rehab. Right now I'm on midnights. I am in a program where I will train for two years (maybe longer due to my shift, but hopefully I can get off it soon) and eventually become certified as a D/A counselor. The facility pays for my certification, too. I really lucked out!
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Old 05-10-2019, 05:34 AM   #155 (permalink)
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What a great opportunity for you Lacey!
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Old 05-10-2019, 07:25 AM   #156 (permalink)
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Lacey, that is so great! I am so proud of you!!!
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Old 05-10-2019, 08:04 AM   #157 (permalink)
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Amazing news Lacey congratulations!
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Old 05-12-2019, 03:23 AM   #158 (permalink)
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I hate myself for having to post this, but in the spirit of complete honesty:

trting to to lose weight (which I honestly have to do) is causing me to relapse into eating disorder behaviors. And, I don't want to stop...at least not until I've lost the weight.

The guy is still in my life and with some sex bomb GF who everyone loves. I think it's all for show, but then it still bothers me. But what can I say? I don't want to get all emotional. So I say nothing. But I take it out on myself. This serves several purposes: it allows me to feel the pain, it allows me to get even thinner than her,thus proving some sort of existential anorexic point, and it allows me to use my body to say, stop hurting me. If I become frail and weak, maybe you will understand how defenseless I feel, and you will stop. If you see my bones and realize I must be starving, will you stop then? If I look like a Versace model, will it matter, will it erase the stigmas I carry? No- but I will still feel like I secretly won at something when I see her wide hips and ridiculous implants.

There was a documentary about heroin and the one girl (who, incidentally, died of an overdose) talked about having to feel all the emotions she never felt while using if she were to get sober. And she just set her jaw and said defiantly, "f*** you, I don't want to feel it." And I feel that way sometimes. Enveloped in the ED, I feel emotions only about food and losing weight. When I'm not bingeing and I'm doing really well, it feels like I'm on a winning streak in life and my world is perfect. NOTHING can irritate me. I'm safe from the world.

Im like the compulsive gambler who's going to hit it big some day, Cash out and be done with it forever. I'm going to lose the weight, keep it off and be done with all of this. I've only been telling myself that for 25 years.

Then part of me feels like, why does it matter if I have any feelings? I'm never awake. I literally do nothing at work. My life consists of nothing. Does it matter if I have energy or motivation or nourishment?

I know the the biggest thing would be to just kick him out of my life. I have another ten months of this, with him and her, and I don't know how that's going to go. I might severely limit contact for a while, especially if it's going to be this big epic love story on social media.

Its like ike there's an angel and devil, and I'm choosing the devil. A large part of that is probably because I've never really had a normal life. I've been doing this for 25 years.
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Old 05-12-2019, 03:52 AM   #159 (permalink)
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I cannot say that I understand anything about eating disorders, Lacey, but don't you think that your thinking is distorted right now?

What do you mean you have ten more months of this to deal with now? Why are you putting yourself in a place where you are feeding your eating disorder instead of managing your health in a better way? What would it mean to you if you did just drop this couple of people from your life and your interest to avoid this temptation to self-harm?

I cannot say I agree that you should be choosing the devil you know over something else. I did that for 35 years of drinking until it completely broke me in every way. Finding yourself in the same place after trying to gain his attention or to put yourself in a place of self-image in the wake of destructive behavior doesn't make you anything but a victim to your illness.
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Old 05-12-2019, 04:53 AM   #160 (permalink)
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I just honestly feel very defiant and angry about it, like the girl in the video. I'm CHOOSING this. I don't want to fit into some stupid societal box of how a woman is supposed to look. I want my body to look how I want it to look- and that's petite and frail. It's proving a point to me.

At the the end of the day, I really don't care that much about my own life.
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