Surprise, surprise...there's no help available to me in this county. I want to go to the hospital but I have to have some kind of plan for these animals, and I don't, and AS USUAL, no one will help me. But if I just leave them here, I will be charged with animal cruelty. But no one will come and get them! I don't know what to do.

I guess I can officially change my sobriety date. Fifteen and a half years and I just took two norco because I can't take it anymore. I won't drink- I actually hate alcohol- but I did take the pills.

Ok, I have a tentative plan to get the cats out of this house. It's complicated but I think I can make it work.

Ok, I finally talked to my mom. She has the old fashioned phone and her power was out! We are getting the car fixed ASAP and then I'm just taking me and all six cats and going back to the city. I will most likely leave when I get my check. But I feel so much better, having a plan.

There really aren't any services to help me in this area. STILL don't have my car. I'm ready to just get out of here and never come back, tbh.

Omg I'm going crazy. I can't get in touch with my mom again. I think she's working but idk. It's driving me crazy that I can't just get in the car and get the F out of here. If I can't get in touch with her, I'm walking back there. I'm serious.

Ok she is fine (again lol). It's official. I just crossed the County line and left xxx County for the last time, save a trip back to get my stuff. I'm gone.

i literally could not spend one more night living like that. I had to figure out a way out TODAY, and I did. I'm riding with the tow truck driver to the city and they're fixing my tire tomorrow. Couldn't do it for one more day.

Ita ao weird that tomorrow is the one the one year anniversary to the day I loved in. So weird.

Back to heat, water, showers, food, transportation.

My mood has been surprisingly good. Heat, hot water (A BATH!!!!), good food and company will do that for you.

I've been staying with my mom. I'm out of Hell House and the car is running, I have my check. Now it's time to really plan about moving. It's scary but exciting.

My old job (the one I had for thirteen years) is becoming available again and for a moment, I thought about it. But I really want to do something different. I just feel like going back there and moving back to a small town is just a dead end. I really feel like I'm just not supposed to be there anymore.

But, all of this change is scary. I could be in my new state by 4/1. I have to start getting serious about this. I really doubt anyone will want to interview me while I'm still living here, so I need to just face the music and go out there. I have a place picked out to live if it's still available when I am going to leave. I applied for a job today I feel really good about.

I can't wait to get the hell out of here. I tried to sell my furniture online and was attacked by the lovey, kind people who live in my area for my dirty house, saying idkhow anyone lives like that. Mortified, I took the post down and now I'm not selling any of it. It can all just stay in the house.

Now I'm fighting with my mom and I'm back staying in my abandoned house. My check clears on Wednesday. I'm literally getting in the car and driving away.

It's about 60 hours until I leave. I'm done with all of this.

Those two Norcos haunt me (and YES I FINALLY threw the bottle away!!!!). It's like I've truly lost everything- even my sobriety date, which was something I always kept...through court and convictions and the failed deployment and illness and death. I feel so much shame, and I've told only one non program person. I think it's all coming out at the meeting tonight. The shame is toxic.