I've been extremely sick, so I haven't been posting much. Things are okay- my mood has been better because I'm trying to get to meetings. My interview is tomorrow.

I'm having a hard time right now. Everything hurts and I just want to give up. I feel this way a lot. I'm holding out until 7:30, maybe I will leave to go to the meeting. I've been running around all day. I don't really have much of a plan for the future. For anyone who says, that's okay- really- it's not- I need income ASAP.

Thanks. It's the same. I'm seriously considering leaving this area once I get my check. I'm about 90% sure that is what I am going to do. There's no point in me trying to stay here and just work a menial job and exist. I'm already applying for jobs out of state.

If that check doesn't come in the next week, I am going back to my old ways to make some money. This is very disheartening and I don't want to do this, but I have to survive. It's only for a short time.

One of of these days, I have to just be really productive, but it never seems to happen. I am applying for jobs, though. Just not here. I honestly don't see any jobs here I qualify for that I could support myself on.

thanks for thinking about me.

I had a second interview for the job today and she already called one of my references! It went SO WELL. I would LOVE to work there and move back into my old house (once I get my check).

Ive been interacting with the nicest people lately. Our family doctor agreed to see me free of charge since I have no insurance and insisted on no payment, which is so kind. And today, when I went to the pharmacy with no insurance (which I haven't had to do in years) they were SO NICE and bent over backwards to get me discounts and saved me almost $400! I am calling the store manager tomorrow to tell them how wonderful their employees were. I didn't have the extra money and wouldn't have been able to get all of my pills without their help.

Things like that really help me get through the day.

I got offered the job and start right before Christmas. I hesitate to celebrate, because they haven't seen my record yet, but they do really like me and I think it's going to work out. They ask about felonies on the application l, and I answered no, since I don't have any. But I'm still a bit concerned. But, if it works out, I think I will REALLY like it there. Unlike the last job, there were zero red flags during the interview (see my thread on recovery coaches)- they are a very middle of the road non profit and don't have any extreme views or anything- they just want to help people, and that's really it. And it's so close to my old house, and hopefully the check will be coming by January, so I can get what I need done st the house and move back in and live there. And have ALL 6 of my cats again- right now I have 2, and I miss the other ones.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. This is my first day with all 3 of the pills I need in about a month (Dr. wrote for a generic- which was STILL over $400 but the lovely people at the pharmacy got it down to $48!), so I am sure, along with the job situation, I am going to feel better!

Thanks. Something amazing that I've waited a very long time for is happening tomorrow. I will keep you all posted!

So, in less than 24 hours, I will be face to face with "the guy"...and this will pretty much determine if he a) cares about me on any level and wants to have some ongoing contact with me or b) doesn't really want to publicly acknowledge me and just wants to let it go, at least for now. I was NOT anticipating this at ALL. He lives 8 hours away and I have given up on moving there because of my job offer, and I won't be traveling anytime soon, either, so I have mentally shelved the entire thing...until...

he is going to be speaking at at an event in a city about four hours from me. It's feasible to drive down and back in the same day. Gas is $50 (I can sell plasma for $50). I can eat in the car and the event/parking is free. So...why not? It's Wednesday. I have clothes to wear, makeup, etc. I don't have to spend any money here. I just have to get there REALLLLLY early because it's first come first serve. But...I'm not working, what else am I doing? Lol.

So. This is it. I'm not mentioning that I will be there. I want to see the exact look on his face when he looks across the room and sees me sitting there. THAT is worth a million dollars, because that is the moment of truth I've been waiting a year for. That will tell me all I need to know.

My gut reaction is that he is, on some level, interested in me, but he isn't going to act on it, because ""someone like me" isn't going to be good for his image. This is harsh, but this is life. I can deal with that. I know what baggage I bring. I've been THRILLED lately, literally walking around on Cloud 9 about going back to my old house and taking this job, so I have invested NOTHING in this trip emotionally. ZERO. Every fiber of my being is committed to going back to (My Old Town) and living the life I started to live a year ago. If this is the end of this chapter in my life, I'm completely fine with it. I feel it is time to just KNOW, one way or another.