Losing hope
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Originally Posted by LaceyDallas 
This was my last chance
I believe everyone that's responded to you here only wants the best for you, and if I didn't believe you deserved that goodness in your life I wouldn't be sharing my own experiences with you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Lacey, it sounds like a change of environment would be good for you. Just because you go back to your old home town may not mean you have to go back to that home. I know where I live there is a program called Catholic Charities that will help those in need set up deposits and such to get into an apartment. There are also rent controlled apartments that are subsidized by the government. There may be other options you are just not thinking of.
The thing is, while it is hard, it takes some research. Reach out to the local programs and tell them what is going on. There are no guarantees you will get a yes, but there are not guarantees you will get a no either.
And like you said, if you end up going for help, let the social workers help you. It's their job, so make sure they are doing it.
You are in my heart, I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
The thing is, while it is hard, it takes some research. Reach out to the local programs and tell them what is going on. There are no guarantees you will get a yes, but there are not guarantees you will get a no either.
And like you said, if you end up going for help, let the social workers help you. It's their job, so make sure they are doing it.
You are in my heart, I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 334
No one helps me. That's the point. Exhibit A: I show up for the Great Appointment I Lost My Job Over in an ice storm while my car is malfunctioning...and they refuse to see me because I don't have insurance.
So it was literally all for nothing.
So it was literally all for nothing.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 334
I think I'm done with that hospital. Let's not forget they turned me away in the ER when I was actively suicidal and then I had to drive an hour alone to the Next hospital (who took me right away).
Do you see why I hate it here?
i had To go to my other house to take care of my cats. I feel somewhat better. Just being there and knowing I might have a chance to go back there soon makes me feel better.
No, there are no resources there to help me with my house. It's not like that. It is completely different than any other place- think Appalachian poverty. True poverty, where no one is coming to save you. I saw things there you wouldn't believe exist in America. And no, a lot of time there simply arent resources. I worked with the county people, so I know a lot of what is and isn't available. You just live like that. And you know what? Those people did it- and they didn't complain. They didn't expect anything. They didn't think the world owed them something. They just took it. And if someone was able to help them, they were so grateful. I miss that. They were true survivors.
Im done seeking treatment. It's OA or nothing. Idk what I'm going to do about my pills though.
Do you see why I hate it here?
i had To go to my other house to take care of my cats. I feel somewhat better. Just being there and knowing I might have a chance to go back there soon makes me feel better.
No, there are no resources there to help me with my house. It's not like that. It is completely different than any other place- think Appalachian poverty. True poverty, where no one is coming to save you. I saw things there you wouldn't believe exist in America. And no, a lot of time there simply arent resources. I worked with the county people, so I know a lot of what is and isn't available. You just live like that. And you know what? Those people did it- and they didn't complain. They didn't expect anything. They didn't think the world owed them something. They just took it. And if someone was able to help them, they were so grateful. I miss that. They were true survivors.
Im done seeking treatment. It's OA or nothing. Idk what I'm going to do about my pills though.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 334
I will figure out a way to get the medications. It won't involve that hospital. I seriously believe they'd just let me die at this point.
i got an email from the job I applied for, asking me to "take the next step" and fill out their formal application. So I went to the library and did that. They stop taking applications Monday. I am thinking I will hear back from them the week after Thanksgiving.
i got an email from the job I applied for, asking me to "take the next step" and fill out their formal application. So I went to the library and did that. They stop taking applications Monday. I am thinking I will hear back from them the week after Thanksgiving.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 334
I'm starting to feel really bad again. I can't ever go anywhere or do anything because of money (and no one really cares about me, tbh). It's getting monotonous and lonely. I'm holding out until the job in my area closes. Idk. This is hard. I can't even go to the gym($) and it's freezing outside. I guess next week I'm going to have to go out and make some money if I want to exist. Fun times.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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I agree that as my desire to do more increases I've had to add more jobs in order to make the money to support my hobbies and interests, but along the way I found things to do for free that kept me happy and active. Recovery meetings and service work, church, the library, volunteer and charity efforts. Didn't cost me a penny unless I could afford to donate, I was often fed, and I made a ton of new friendships.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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I hate this job so much. It's in a bar where drinks are pushed in my face the entire shift and it's all I can do to just make it through without drinking. But, it's money, and I need money, NOW. So I am going to see if I can work some shifts next week.
Its hard to find something more more permanent when I don't know if I'm going to stay here or go back to my house (1 hr away). Or even move to an entirely new state. I'm really thinking I'm going to go back to my house, but it's contingent on getting either my old job back, a different job with my old agency, or the job I applied for last week. I have zero desire to stay here.
I pretty much go through every day talking to the same one or two people. The void in my life left by the other people, who either just gave up on me completely (my mom) or are afraid I will ask for something/don't care because they're self obsessed alcoholics or other issues (everyone else) is large. It hurts. I try not to think about it, but I can't help myself. I feel like even the program people I know are included in that, in one form or another, sadly. It's really hard to care about your life 100% for yourself (most people won't admit this, but when asked why they continue one, they will say, my husband or my kids or my family). But, I guess, I've done it all my life, really.
its also really hard for me to think "God has a plan for my life" when I feel like God led me to a big dead end. Right now, I'm going back to a job I DESPISE just to be able to exist. It SUCKS. I feel like I trusted God, and here I am, in some rental house I can't afford, with no income. It's hard for me to really have faith God is going to fix all of this. I'm just being honest. I feel like trusting God is what got me here in the first place.
Its hard to find something more more permanent when I don't know if I'm going to stay here or go back to my house (1 hr away). Or even move to an entirely new state. I'm really thinking I'm going to go back to my house, but it's contingent on getting either my old job back, a different job with my old agency, or the job I applied for last week. I have zero desire to stay here.
I pretty much go through every day talking to the same one or two people. The void in my life left by the other people, who either just gave up on me completely (my mom) or are afraid I will ask for something/don't care because they're self obsessed alcoholics or other issues (everyone else) is large. It hurts. I try not to think about it, but I can't help myself. I feel like even the program people I know are included in that, in one form or another, sadly. It's really hard to care about your life 100% for yourself (most people won't admit this, but when asked why they continue one, they will say, my husband or my kids or my family). But, I guess, I've done it all my life, really.
its also really hard for me to think "God has a plan for my life" when I feel like God led me to a big dead end. Right now, I'm going back to a job I DESPISE just to be able to exist. It SUCKS. I feel like I trusted God, and here I am, in some rental house I can't afford, with no income. It's hard for me to really have faith God is going to fix all of this. I'm just being honest. I feel like trusting God is what got me here in the first place.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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I understand those feelings Lacey. When I look back on my years of wreckage, what I can see is that I needed God to wipe the slate clean for me to start over again. I had to understand what I was doing wrong before I could start living right, and to be grateful for every moment of it along the way, even the parts that sucked. I wasn't a big fan of God until I was sober for 5 years, I had enough recovery under my belt at the time to see how He had been at work in my life.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Well said Astro!
Lacey, I know when things are making you unhappy, it's hard to see out of the box. As Astro said, there are free things and with those free things comes opportunity to meet other people. Have you tried Celebrate Recovery? Sometimes whatever group you are in is not the right one, so you have to try another one. Maybe you start looking for work as a server instead of a bartender.
No one is going to knock on your door and say hi, I heard there is a lonely person inside. You have to put yourself out there and be open and honest so you can make new connections. It's not always easy to do when you feel like you are in this loop of depression. I know that.
Look at small steps, even one thing you can do TODAY to make your situation better.
You can do this.
Lacey, I know when things are making you unhappy, it's hard to see out of the box. As Astro said, there are free things and with those free things comes opportunity to meet other people. Have you tried Celebrate Recovery? Sometimes whatever group you are in is not the right one, so you have to try another one. Maybe you start looking for work as a server instead of a bartender.
No one is going to knock on your door and say hi, I heard there is a lonely person inside. You have to put yourself out there and be open and honest so you can make new connections. It's not always easy to do when you feel like you are in this loop of depression. I know that.
Look at small steps, even one thing you can do TODAY to make your situation better.
You can do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 334
I went to an AA meeting in the area I lived in for 11 years and moved from last February. It's about 40 minutes from where I am at now. This was my home group- backstory- my dear mentor and friend was the unofficial chairperson and this meeting was his pet project in life. Well, he developed terminal cancer, and it was his dying wish to see the meeting live on. Me and my friend were determined to do just that, so we took over after he went into hospice and then passed away. It got really rough, because some nights we would have maybe 4 people, but we kept going. Well, to my surprise when I showed up tonight, theplace was packed! Lots of new people, and young people too. I was so beyond happy to see them all enjoying the meeting that we "kept alive" and I know my friend would be happy that his meeting lived on and so many people were being helped by it. It is just a reminder that sometimes even the smallest actions we take can have a huge impact on someone's life that we may never even know about. I felt really positive tonight, seeing that. It also made me remember that when my friend was literally on his death bed, he showed up to a meeting. Everyone was curious as to what he'd share, and I remember it like it was yesterday. He said- the most important thing anyone can do is to take the time to help another person. That's truly all that matters in life. I will always remember that- this man, who had lost about 60 lbs, with gray skin, taking all of his strength to come thereand share that with us.
Huge smile reading that Lacey, huge smile! Member
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 334
Today was a really, really good day. I thought I would be miserable on TG but I think it is actually going to be a really nice day.
ironically enough, when it comes to my eating disorder, I am not using behaviors AT ALL.
ironically enough, when it comes to my eating disorder, I am not using behaviors AT ALL.
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