I'm not drinking or using drugs. I think the point of my last post is that a lot of people in recovery are like EVERYTHING IS OKAY AS LONG AS YOU DONT PICK UP. And it's not that simple.

i called today to get into a program for my eating disorder.

when I talked about using people, I just meant "using" the job to get my needs met, even if it's not meeting my needs, or if people there don't necessarily like me, or relate to me. And I didn't use those men in the past. I was employed, they agreed to pay x amount of money for an experience, and I provided that experience. We both got what we wanted.

I cant go back. Because I messed it all up. I've never been the type of person in ANY addiction (alcohol or eating disorder) to say "it's so and so's fault). It's my fault I'm not there any more. That's hard to live with and not despise myself.

Was supposed to sleep on an air mattress last night, but it wouldn't inflate, so I wound up sleeping on the floor. I guess I'm getting old, or maybe my bones are in worse shape than I thought because of all my problems, but that HURT. Oh, and nothing in the house works, either. I have to call the landlord. I mean, the furnace works, but the stove and toilet do not. Fortunately I am moving from a place where I had neither so it's not like this is some new development in my life lol.

The landlord is coming over now. My friend is lending me $50 tonight and we are going to a fundraiser for his son's program. It turns out he lives one town away (we used to work together) so that's cool.

The intake lady at the eating disorder program never called me back- they said within 24 hours, so I'm assuming that means Monday morning. I am talking to my boss Monday morning.

Right now now I feel okay. I might be able to get my medication today. We will see.

-Got to eat hot food
-The toilet flushes
-I have two out of three of my pills
-I have gas in my car
-I have 2/6 of my cats here with me tonight
-I'm lying on cushions and not the floor
-I did not run out of gas in construction zone/tunnel

Overall...good day.

The house I was living in didn't have running water or a stove, and the furnace was really unsafe. I had to sleep with a carbon monoxide detector next to my bed. I'm very grateful to not be living like that anymore.

I don't know what is going on. Everyone is understanding until you're honest lol. Whatever happens, happens. I'm literally doing the best I can. Like this morning, there were parts where I literally could not get out of 1st gear to drive to work, because there's something wrong with my car, and I can't afford to have it fixed right now.

My boss suddenly wants to see me today at the official headquarters. Here we go again, right? It is what it is. I'm (once again) literally doing the best I can. If it's not good enough, I really don't know what to tell anyone. That's all I can do- I'm only human, like everyone else.

In between, I have to do this interview for my certification class. Wonderful timing. Right now I don't know how I feel about ANY of this, because it's just another example of how other people get 5,000 chances to get their stuff together, and I'm thrown to the wolves the moment I dare admit I have a (minor) problem. It's so frustrating. It is times like this that I'd rather go back to working with my former population- things were just to the level I could understand there. It's hard for me not to resent people sometimes, to be honest.

If worse comes to worse, I can live off of my 401k until I figure something else out. They've yet to re-post my old job under the new supervison, so there's that. With my money, I can get my house livable again and just go back. It's not ideal, but maybe that's where I'm supposed to be anyway.

I just don't even care that much anymore, tbh. I know that's terrible, but that's how I feel. I'm not in the mood to have my feet held to the fire because of this. I'm. Doing. The. Best. I. Can. That's all I got right now. I don't have anything else to say about it. Either it's good enough, or it's not.

Boy, these people are going to send me running back to the house with no water and no heat. Just wait for it.

im being told I can't have ANY time off for the assessment for the program, so effectively, I can't go to treatment. So, if I wind up screwing up and losing this job because I have an eating disorder to could easily treat during NON WORKING HOURS after one assessment, it's their fault. And I'm pissed, because this was hard for me to do, to call and go through all of this, and they're not even TRYING to work with me- it's just NO.

I just want to get in the car and drive away.

I guess it doesn't matter now since I'm no longer employed there.

I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Yes.

No one will answer the phone.

what is the point, really? What is the point for someone like me?

What does any of that have to do with my situation?

But there isn't, really. This was my last chance

I applied for a job in the county I used to work in. I know the husband of the director of the facility. Maybe that will help me get an interview, idk. I have no qualms about going back there, despite the condition of my house or all the problems. I feel like they wouldn't have treated me like these people did. Maybe I'm wrong. Idk. But I was never treated like that in 13 years of working with that population. Ever.

Im not really functioning on any level right now. I didn't go to apply for benefits today. There's a good chance I'm going to just end up in the hospital anyway tomorrow so the social workers there can help me with it.

I feel like the family I did have has just given up on me. None of them really want to be bothered. Why should I stay here? In this city? I have NOTHING but horrible memories here. I've been treated terribly here by cops, the criminal justice system, my family, and now these people. I'm done here. It's just not for me.

people in my life do this thing- and it drives me nuts. I am, was, whatever- I have a piece of paper that says I am a biologist that I still owe $24,000 for. I am, on some level, a scientist. I deal in factual information. I don't think this is too much to ask. People say things like, background checks only go back ten years. They only look for felonies. Today it was, you can stay in your apartment. There's programs to help you. The only problem with all of these statements is: none of them are true. What point is there in telling someone who is essentially suicidal something that's not true, or you have no idea if it's true, to make them feel better? HOW IS THIS HELPFUL???? I would NEVER do this to someone in AA, or any aspect of my life. Say I was naive and I believed this. All day, I'd be excited, thinking I get to stay here, and then tomorrow, or when I do meet with a social worker, they will tell me I don't qualify for anything, and it's going to make me feel WORSE. Yes- that's the idea- let's make the depressed person few worse! Why not just say, I don't know? It is maddening! I know the following: Section8 waitlist in this county is 5 years. You do not qualify for Section 8 if you own a house (no mattter what condition the house is in). There are no exceptions made for mental health. But if I point this out, I'm being negative or trying to be the exception, denying that anyone can help me, etc. well- I have to live in REALITY- and if there aren't any programs, there aren't any programs, and I have to figure out what to do next. Then everyone gets frustrated and says "your life has no solutions. I have to go." YOU are frustrated? Try being ME.