Last day! It was the perfect last week. It really was.

im trying to get my old house out of foreclosure and move back in. We will see how this goes...

Thanks. The situation of trying to find a permanent place is a bit stressful, but other than that, things are going well. I'm hoping I can just get back into my old house at this point. It's less than ideal, with the driving distance, but it's the best deal and I'd really like to just get it out of foreclosure anyway.

So I'm down to one job. No one in my life understands. But this is how it starts. I feel overwhelmed. I need a break from life. I start engaging in destructive behavior (not drinking, but eating disorder, which is basically what had me one paper away from losing my last job). YEAH. Let's keep two jobs and start down that path, so I can fail. AGAIN. What is wrong with these people? They just don't get it. I can do anything/everything. What happened at my job was because of bad circumstances/bad management/etc. NO. What happened at my job was because of ME. No one puts gun to my head and told me to go goof off and not do my work. I decided my behaviors were more important. One of the things that led me into all of it was working two jobs- because these people at these second jobs wont take no for an answer when you tell them you can only work so many shifts, etc. If I keep doing the same things I've always done, my LIFE is going to be exactly the same. I need personal time. (Doesn't every human?) I don't think saying "I can't work seven days a week" is me asking too much. I need this week off to be 100% stress free. I need to, if possible, find a place to live, or come close to it. I need to get my head together before starting this job.

The thing I didn't do was put either Recovery first. And I almost lost my job (career). I cannot, will not allow that to happen again. There has to be time to relax. To go to meetings. To cook food. To talk to people. To shop. To take care of my house. This isn't just about me anymore. Other people are depending on me. I have to be healthy. I can't hide in a cubicle like I could atmy old job. I can't have days or even weeks where mentally, I'm just not there. The best way to accomplish this is to give 100% to one job and to make the most of my down time.

Im starting to think the people in my life have limited value as resources. If anything, they give me bad (unsolicited) advice. If they're not just too busy to be bothered to answer the phone. I need meetings more than ever, because I need to rebuild my own support system.

So I went to look at a house for rent. The guy asked to run my credit. There are 3 bureaus. I use the service that checks 2. Neither have my foreclosure on there. Ignorance is bliss. So he wants to use the third- so I run it, and there it is, in black and white: foreclose in process. I literally feel sick. This is the first time I've seen it in writing, since I've refused to have the mail forwarded. Obviously he's not going to rent to me. Now I HAVE to fight to get the house back. And it's going to be next to impossible. I hate myself for allowing this to happen. Never, ever did I think this would be me. I feel so much shame. I wish I could go back to a year ago and make different choices.

I'm signing the lease on the Little House that Would tomorrow.

I really would like to get mt house out of foreclosure and do the right thing, but I think it's too far gone at this point. I am taking a pretty big pay cut in order to take this job, I only have one job for the foreseeable future. I can't take 8-10k to do this and not make any of that money back. I'm beginning to realize any equity i had in the house is probably gone. It's just a loss at this point. I hate having done something and not being able to fix it. But, I guess, that's addiction for you.

Im really happy I will have a place to live where I can have most of my cats that's close to my new job and a modest drive from my friends in my old neighborhood and my family.

It's been rough. My car just took me down to nothing but gas money for the next two weeks. It needed brakes, rotors and drums. I need my car to do the job, so it's not optional. The money I had to flea treat my cats to bring them to the apartment, as well as being my furniture, is also gone. So I have an apartment, but I can't really afford to live there in any meaningful way. And any credit cards, etc simply aren't getting paid until the 401k check comes in. It's not a good financial time right now.

Its hard, because my former friend who loves to complain, just got her entire security deposit paid for by her parents to move into an apartment in a neighborhood I'd never qualify for...and they've spent a ton on brand new furniture and pots and pans and towed, everything you can imagine. It's really hard to see all of that contrasted to my situation. I mean m, I was downtown waiting for the bus with homeless peeiple so I know it can always be worse, but it's just sucky to be at rock bottom again, when some people can go on using and never have to face any serious consequences, ever. My mom can't even afford to get her space heaters cleaned to get them turned on for winter and it's really cold here right now. So I do resent people who can drop several grand on someone who does nothing to help themselves. It just doesn't seem fair.

I miss my home. I miss my County. I miss the people I used to serve there. I miss the time when I first started my job and we were about helping people. I wish it had never changed. I don't want to be here. I don't like it here. It's not my home. This is all about crap: talking about going to jail, who did the worst drugs, who has the worst story, all the BS I hated in meetings. Finding the differences between people instead of just connecting as human beings. I don't understand this. Go ahead and assume I'm not "real" because I'm wearing the J Crew outfit they told me to show up in or because I'm well spoken, and I will play you just like I used to play men to get my rent paid. I will talk to you, entertain your ego and your BS for the required amount of time, and walk away with your money to pay my bills without giving one **** about what you think about me.

Been in tears all damned day. This sucks. But I have to do this, at least for a while. If I didn't have a man that cared about me on some leve who has a career to protect, I would go to Nevada and work in prostitution where it's legal. I'm totally serious. I hate just about everyone right now.

I miss the people I used to work with in the community on my old job. I LOVED them. For the first time in my entire life, I felt accepted somewhere, like I could 100% be myself and they really enjoyed my personality. I really, really wanted to live there forever- I gave up everything to move there last October and buy this house that I'm not living in anymore.

i miss ALL of it, every day, because that is what I wanted for the rest of my life. And I lost it ALL because I let my eating disorder and mental health get so out of control. That's what happened, mostly. And now I am on the outside, looking in.

yes, I don't like the person who was my boss and I don't agree with the way they treated people. But they are not going to be in charge of my field are anymore as of January. Which opens an interesting door about the possibility of me going back.

Im so raw right now. I'm not even in recovery for my eating disorder. I'm in chaos 24/7. I can't take a whole lot of crap from people, quite frankly. If that's what this job is going to turn into, I'd gladly go back and just deal with paperwork. I understand they're new to recovery, but I'm not even at 24 hours here- I'm a person, too. I just don't know if I have what it takes to deal with all this right now.

Im actively engaging in a psychological disorder (the most deadly, actually) to the point where I've lost everything and im sleeping on a borrowed air mattesss and im selling my plasma. I've also been hospitalized twice in the past four months for suicidal ideation. I think it's a real stretch to say I'm handling things. Go call my mother, who is in tears every day, and ask her how she thinks I'm handling things. People continue to do this to me- "you're doing okay" when I'm TELLING you that I'm not. I'm telling you that the addicts and alcoholics I work with who have one or two months sober and way ahead of me in life. I'm NOT okay.

Oh, and my former job decided not to pay me the $700 they owe me today, so I have -333 balance and no medication.