Astro

Many of us have been in those really dark places. At those times I try to not put the "ifs" into my vocabulary and mentality. "If I get the girl", "If I get the job". My well-being is about me, I can't have those other things in my life when they become consequences.

Yes, I think the references are a good sign, I wish you the best.

LaceyDallas

I'm at the breaking point. I really am. Not having the correct medication is not helping either. If I get the job or if I don't, I simply cannot continue to do this every day. I am putting in my notice and just working as a bartender for a while. I didn't meet their deadline anyway. I simply cannot force myself to do this all day, every day. I can't. I just can't. Not indefinitely. I feel like I can't do it for one more minute, not one more day.

All I do is cry. All day, every day. My heart is just broken at this point. I can't take anything else going wrong.

ScottFromWI

You mentioned earlier in the thread that you were going to be seeing a new counselor Lacey, did you ever find a good one? It took me several before I did find one that I trusted and worked well with.

You keep mentioning that you "can't" keep doing this - but you have been doing this and making it through for a long time now. So you CAN...although it doesn't always feel like it.

LaceyDallas

Not without my medication I can't. Seriously. I on the verge of going back to the hospital.

ScottFromWI

Then perhaps going to the hospital would be a good idea today. You wrote early on in the thread

"I'm at the point where I'm willing to do anything, because I feel like I'm fighting for my life."

Maybe it's time to go back to the hospital and get some more help? Your life is very important, and I hope you do fight for it. I hope we can help too.

LaceyDallas

I'm going to try to make it to get my pills on Friday, but it is very, very hard.

This has to be the end though, regardless of what happens with this interview- I am putting in my notice, period. I can't live like this anymore.

hummingbird358

How are you doing LaceyDallas?

LaceyDallas

I'm okay. I'm just trying to stay out of the hospital so I can keep my new second (and soon to possibly be only) job.

I feel so incredibly sad about that guy. It KILLS me. And in my heart, in my gut, I just don't believe that job is going to call. Let's just keep it real: I have a really bad reference. On the job that spans my professional career as an adult. If they have a second candidate that doesn't have that, why would they hire me?

I guess I'm moving out of state- that's the next option. Although HE is there, and that was at least part of the reason I was going. But it is still the best place to find jobs in this part of the country, so if this doesn't work out, I'm still going. I don't necessarily WANT to go (except the part of me that loves geographic escapes just wants to get the hell out of here NOW.)

So, I'm going to have to start my whole life all over again in a few month. Wait! Didn't I already do that once this year? Oh, yeah...but that was supposed to be forever. Too bad "forever" lasted all of ELEVEN MONTHS. I gave up EVERYTHING to move into this house in this county for this job...and now, it's basically over. And I have to start over. AGAIN.

LaceyDallas

My boss here just gave them a reference. If it was good or bad, who knows, but this will all be over soon in terms of them making a decision.

Right now I'm watching this one video that ALWAYS makes me laugh. It's a political video and it's HILARIOUS. It's helping me feel better. Thanks DBT!

LaceyDallas

It's not so good right now. Contemplating the hospital. Again. I have to bartend in 24 hours. I have no idea how that's going to happen.

LaceyDallas

I feel like I've lost everything over the past year. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't feel like I can even begin to heal as long as I have 55 commitments every single day. I don't know if I am capable of healing, because I'm never going to be anyone of significance again. I don't know if I care enough to even bother with healing if this is the case.

Astro

Lacey, I began my healing process 13 years ago. I may not be a big deal to myself, but I have children and a wife now who love me, stepgrandchildren too. Now that's significant for an alcoholic who lost himself in 2005. We can recover and heal, it's not impossible, I think that sometimes we have to prioritize and put our recovery before anything else.

LaceyDallas

Thank you. I need to know why this happened, so it never happens again. A lot of it has to do with my eating disorder, although I'm over here scratching my head as to how something that sounds so benign is on scale to allow me to lose everything in my life, when I know full scale alcoholics that have been functioning for 25+ years. This is my second bottom with losing everything, and I'm not even 40. Somehow, this doesn't seem fair.

LaceyDallas

I'm at the hospital. I'm going on. When I come out, I am 100% done with my full time job. I'm fairly certain they gave me a terrible reference and I won't be getting that job. I told the bartender job I'm going in the hopsital and I hope they keep me on. Pray for me.

LaceyDallas

Going in, not going on.

Dee74

wishing you the best and sending you good thoughts LD

D

Astro

Please update us when you can Lacey, I know there's hope in your future.

LaceyDallas

I'm back. This morning, I checked my voicemail in the hospital and found out I GOT THE JOB! I start on 10/29!!!!! Tomorrow at work, I can give my notice!!!

SoberCAH

This sounds like outstanding news.

Please keep us posted with your progress.

Astro

Congrats