Bi-Polar / Dual Diagnosis
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Bi-Polar / Dual Diagnosis
Hi, I just wanted to share a little bit of my story in hopes that maybe something I say may help someone else out there. It should be in no way construed that I have all of the answers, not by a long shot!! But maybe either some of the mistakes I have made or some of the positive choices I have made will help someone.
Almost 4 years ago I received the diagnosis of Bi-Polar Type 2. When I learned what the symptoms of this were everything made so much sense. For over 30 years now I have struggled with depression, anxiety and substance abuse. I have been in inpatient treatment three times, hospitalized three times (once after a suicide attempt) and seen dozens of doctors and therapists, none of whom correctly diagnosed me.
This is not all on them. I was oftentimes not honest and even when I was did not effectively communicate the symptoms I was experiencing. I could have done more research into what was going on with me, but was usually in a place where I really didn't care enough about myself to do so. If you want to get better you have to do most of the work yourself, and I guess I just wasn't willing to do it.
When it comes to Dual Diagnosis (mental health diagnosis with substance abuse) it is kinda a chicken and the egg thing. I'm not sure which came first, and I don't thing it really matters. When I look back over my life the things that have happened and the choices I have made make so much more sense given the Bi-Polar diagnosis. I still have to take responsibility for these poor choices, but it does make me feel better knowing that there is a reason for these things and I'm not just an A-hole. Well maybe sometimes I'm an A-hole, but it's not the only reason!
I have lost so much over the years. Jobs, my wife (who even though we are divorced from I still have an amazing relationship with. She is truly an amazing person), years away from my son, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and almost my life. But there is still hope, I am still here. I am now on the appropriate medication (though I am currently in the process of having to change meds as the old one's are not effective anymore), I am seeing a wonderful therapist who is helping me sort things out and deal with the man issues life throws at you, I am working on rebuilding the relationship with my son and ex-wife, and I have many loving people who have stood by me through thick and thin.
I guess what I am saying is hang in there. If what you are doing is not helpful, try something else. Don't give up. We all only have so many days to walk this planet and then it is over, make the most of those days you have. This is all soooo much easier said than done, especially when you are in the dark cloud of depression or think everything is GREAT because you are on a manic high. But even if you are in one of these places and can't act on it right now, tuck it away. When you experience those moments of SANITY, that is the time to pounce, to reach out and get that help that maybe you are unwilling or unable to accept when you are in one of those bad places. I'm not saying not to reach out for or accept help when you are in one of those places, but for me, that was very difficult. It was too easy once things calmed down a bit to just think that everything was going to be OK, but it rarely really is.
I still have good days and bad days, that is normal and human. Life would be boring if it was exactly the same everyday. I still struggle with my sobriety, but it is becoming less of a struggle each day. I think the biggest difference for me is that I am now willing to do the work. Nobody can do the work for you. Loved ones may try, but unfortunately it is something that you and you alone can do. Support is wonderful, but you gotta do the heavy lifting yourself.
I wish everyone out there all the best. Hopefully something I said is helpful to someone. If nothing else, it is helpful to me to get it out there.
Almost 4 years ago I received the diagnosis of Bi-Polar Type 2. When I learned what the symptoms of this were everything made so much sense. For over 30 years now I have struggled with depression, anxiety and substance abuse. I have been in inpatient treatment three times, hospitalized three times (once after a suicide attempt) and seen dozens of doctors and therapists, none of whom correctly diagnosed me.
This is not all on them. I was oftentimes not honest and even when I was did not effectively communicate the symptoms I was experiencing. I could have done more research into what was going on with me, but was usually in a place where I really didn't care enough about myself to do so. If you want to get better you have to do most of the work yourself, and I guess I just wasn't willing to do it.
When it comes to Dual Diagnosis (mental health diagnosis with substance abuse) it is kinda a chicken and the egg thing. I'm not sure which came first, and I don't thing it really matters. When I look back over my life the things that have happened and the choices I have made make so much more sense given the Bi-Polar diagnosis. I still have to take responsibility for these poor choices, but it does make me feel better knowing that there is a reason for these things and I'm not just an A-hole. Well maybe sometimes I'm an A-hole, but it's not the only reason!
I have lost so much over the years. Jobs, my wife (who even though we are divorced from I still have an amazing relationship with. She is truly an amazing person), years away from my son, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and almost my life. But there is still hope, I am still here. I am now on the appropriate medication (though I am currently in the process of having to change meds as the old one's are not effective anymore), I am seeing a wonderful therapist who is helping me sort things out and deal with the man issues life throws at you, I am working on rebuilding the relationship with my son and ex-wife, and I have many loving people who have stood by me through thick and thin.
I guess what I am saying is hang in there. If what you are doing is not helpful, try something else. Don't give up. We all only have so many days to walk this planet and then it is over, make the most of those days you have. This is all soooo much easier said than done, especially when you are in the dark cloud of depression or think everything is GREAT because you are on a manic high. But even if you are in one of these places and can't act on it right now, tuck it away. When you experience those moments of SANITY, that is the time to pounce, to reach out and get that help that maybe you are unwilling or unable to accept when you are in one of those bad places. I'm not saying not to reach out for or accept help when you are in one of those places, but for me, that was very difficult. It was too easy once things calmed down a bit to just think that everything was going to be OK, but it rarely really is.
I still have good days and bad days, that is normal and human. Life would be boring if it was exactly the same everyday. I still struggle with my sobriety, but it is becoming less of a struggle each day. I think the biggest difference for me is that I am now willing to do the work. Nobody can do the work for you. Loved ones may try, but unfortunately it is something that you and you alone can do. Support is wonderful, but you gotta do the heavy lifting yourself.
I wish everyone out there all the best. Hopefully something I said is helpful to someone. If nothing else, it is helpful to me to get it out there.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 928
Thanks for sharing. I too am dual-diagnosis. I’ve used my other diagnosis as an excuse to continue to drink. Needless to say, it has interfered with likely getting effective treatment for my diagnosis.
The dual nature of the two seem to play off each other - even amplify each other. At 36 days sober, I’m still early and it’s a struggle. My AV pulls out all the stops to try to trick me.
Glad you’re doing well.
The dual nature of the two seem to play off each other - even amplify each other. At 36 days sober, I’m still early and it’s a struggle. My AV pulls out all the stops to try to trick me.
Glad you’re doing well.
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Thanks, I hear you. It really is a double headed monster. If you compare it to a chicken and egg kind of thing, I think the answer is fried eggs and chicken wings!!
My biggest problem was getting diagnosed with the wrong mental illness. The correct diagnosis has allowed me to manage the substance abuse better, but I know that managing it isn't enough. I need to find a way to get it through my head that it is something I just can't do. I don't even like any part of it anymore, but my mind will still play tricks on me and tell me that I do.
I always considered marijuana to be my problem. It caused the most obvious issues in my life, but I've recently gotten more honest with myself and admitted that alcohol is as big if not bigger problem. Maybe not bigger, but harder to deal with. I can go fairly long stretches without using pot, mostly because it is easier to avoid, but alcohol is everywhere. Outside of stays in in patient treatment, I don't think I have ever gone over 30 days without a drink. Sitting on 2 days right now.
As far as the mental health side goes, once I got the correct diagnosis, they put me on this miracle drug called Limictal. It was amazing. Things turned around in a matter of days. Unfortunately after about 3 years it stopped working. Last fall I went on about a 3 month hypomanic trip. The hard thing with the mania is that it feels good, that is until it doesn't, then things get really bad. Fortunately I was able to reach out for help before I ended up hurting myself too much. I am on a different medication now and am definately not manic anymore, but it has really taken all of the enjoyment out of life. I think I have long ago forgotten what "normal" feels like, but it has to be better than this.
I don't know if you see a theripist or have the ability to do so, but if you can I would highly recommend it. I was told this for years and have seen many people, but only recently found someone that I am comfortable with. It gives me hope. I'm sure I must be frustrating as hell to work with because it often seems like I ignore all of the advice that she gives me, but I do hear her, and even if I don't immediately act on what she says, at least it plants the seed. I am getting good help and support from her and my doctor on the mental health side, I hope to work more on the SA side here.
One problem I have is trying to study away the problem. I am schooled in many different forms of recovery. I can talk to you about the steps, CBT, RR, SOS, etc. I need to do less learning and more practicing. I'd be a great SA councilor...except for the whole abusing substances thing! Something to aspire to perhaps.
Well hang in there, it will soon be day 37 and day 3 for me. When I'm typing, I'm much less likely to drink!! Take care.
My biggest problem was getting diagnosed with the wrong mental illness. The correct diagnosis has allowed me to manage the substance abuse better, but I know that managing it isn't enough. I need to find a way to get it through my head that it is something I just can't do. I don't even like any part of it anymore, but my mind will still play tricks on me and tell me that I do.
I always considered marijuana to be my problem. It caused the most obvious issues in my life, but I've recently gotten more honest with myself and admitted that alcohol is as big if not bigger problem. Maybe not bigger, but harder to deal with. I can go fairly long stretches without using pot, mostly because it is easier to avoid, but alcohol is everywhere. Outside of stays in in patient treatment, I don't think I have ever gone over 30 days without a drink. Sitting on 2 days right now.
As far as the mental health side goes, once I got the correct diagnosis, they put me on this miracle drug called Limictal. It was amazing. Things turned around in a matter of days. Unfortunately after about 3 years it stopped working. Last fall I went on about a 3 month hypomanic trip. The hard thing with the mania is that it feels good, that is until it doesn't, then things get really bad. Fortunately I was able to reach out for help before I ended up hurting myself too much. I am on a different medication now and am definately not manic anymore, but it has really taken all of the enjoyment out of life. I think I have long ago forgotten what "normal" feels like, but it has to be better than this.
I don't know if you see a theripist or have the ability to do so, but if you can I would highly recommend it. I was told this for years and have seen many people, but only recently found someone that I am comfortable with. It gives me hope. I'm sure I must be frustrating as hell to work with because it often seems like I ignore all of the advice that she gives me, but I do hear her, and even if I don't immediately act on what she says, at least it plants the seed. I am getting good help and support from her and my doctor on the mental health side, I hope to work more on the SA side here.
One problem I have is trying to study away the problem. I am schooled in many different forms of recovery. I can talk to you about the steps, CBT, RR, SOS, etc. I need to do less learning and more practicing. I'd be a great SA councilor...except for the whole abusing substances thing! Something to aspire to perhaps.
Well hang in there, it will soon be day 37 and day 3 for me. When I'm typing, I'm much less likely to drink!! Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Tyler: Thanks so much for sharing. I agree that it is insightful. Of course it is difficult to struggle through but you are forging ahead and committed to facing things head on. 
Your optimism is inspiring.
I've a son, 26 now, who had been in treatment in a facility, dual diagnosis program in years past as well as other supports. Long story short, he struggles daily but forges ahead like you. He fully knows he is always in my heart, in my prayers, he knows he can trust to talk with me honestly, I will listen and be supportive. Hugs to you and best wishes in your recovery.
Your optimism is inspiring. I've a son, 26 now, who had been in treatment in a facility, dual diagnosis program in years past as well as other supports. Long story short, he struggles daily but forges ahead like you. He fully knows he is always in my heart, in my prayers, he knows he can trust to talk with me honestly, I will listen and be supportive. Hugs to you and best wishes in your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 187
...sounds awfully familiar, the scorched earth mentality, 'waking up' to find not days but weeks had slipped by with virtually no recollection of particular events...
the whole chicken or the egg parable, can't say for sure which begat which i do remember being generally happy and thoughtful of others til my mid 30s but a series of personal disappointment to full on tragedies sent me into a 'shell' maybe and specifically withdrew from personal interaction with others i guess to protect what remained of my feelings, by the time i turned 50 something truly snapped and all bets were off, literally walked away from a very nice home and job to spend weeks at a time in the backpage world as a driver/'bodyguard' for the escorts
it was an endless night rarely saw the sun, a heroin overdose and 15 minutes dead finally chose to give rehab a shot, worked as much as i'd let it... which with the still undiagnosed bipolar was ultimately mood swings and stubbornness. i've maintained a real job since but drifted back into 'weekend warrioring' drugs has isolated me in a netherworld between normal people with normal lives and the street folk i'd left behind, neither felt they could trust me anymore... then more drugs, ultimately alone
i am one hot mess and i believe i've used up all my luck
the whole chicken or the egg parable, can't say for sure which begat which i do remember being generally happy and thoughtful of others til my mid 30s but a series of personal disappointment to full on tragedies sent me into a 'shell' maybe and specifically withdrew from personal interaction with others i guess to protect what remained of my feelings, by the time i turned 50 something truly snapped and all bets were off, literally walked away from a very nice home and job to spend weeks at a time in the backpage world as a driver/'bodyguard' for the escorts
it was an endless night rarely saw the sun, a heroin overdose and 15 minutes dead finally chose to give rehab a shot, worked as much as i'd let it... which with the still undiagnosed bipolar was ultimately mood swings and stubbornness. i've maintained a real job since but drifted back into 'weekend warrioring' drugs has isolated me in a netherworld between normal people with normal lives and the street folk i'd left behind, neither felt they could trust me anymore... then more drugs, ultimately alone
i am one hot mess and i believe i've used up all my luck
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I too felt pretty OK until my 30's. I say that, but I'm actually not sure if it is really true. Looking back, I think most of the behaviors and problems were there in my 20's, maybe even earlier, but the consequences hadn't caught up with me.
I worked in radio for most of my 20's, it was my "dream job", until things changed in the business and it wasn't so desirable. It was a career where "partying" seen as part of the norm, and even part of the job at times. When you would go do a bar remote, free drinks were part of the deal, encouraged really. Nobody though much if you smoked weed or even did a little coke. My substance use steadily increased over this time and eventually I ended up losing my job. I always say it was because of an ownership change, and it is true that over a period of 6 months or so just about everyone got fired, but I was first. I was usually high while on the air and it showed. I don't think anyone necessarily "knew", but my performance suffered.
This was a huge blow to me. I felt like a complete failure. My wife had just started grad school and wasn't working and now neither was I. I went out and landed an outside sales job in just a week. I then went out and bought $2000 of clothes, a bit manic?? While I did need a new wardrobe as the job required suits and I didn't own one, let alone a weeks worth, I went a bit over the top for a household with zero income. It didn't matter, they told me how much money I was going to make and it was way more than I was making in radio anyway!! Of course I hadn't made any yet, that is what credit cards were for!!
This turned out to be one of the worst moves I could have made. With my anxiety, I just could not handle the cold calling. I think my biggest fear in life is rejection. I'm not really sure why, maybe someday I will figure this out with my therapist, but for some reason I just can not handle it. No matter how much I psyched myself up before a call, told myself "what is the worst thing that can happen?" I just couldn't do it. I hated myself even more for that failure.
I think sales is probably the worst job a bi-polar person could have. The up and down sales cycle, the highs of making the sale, the lows of losing one were crushing to deal with. Add to that the pressure of being the only one in the family bringing in money and it was just too much. After about 3 months I came home from work one day at lunch, locked myself in the bathroom and was just sobbing on the floor. My wife was very concerned as I almost never cried and she had never seen me break down like that. I felt so trapped. I don't know the clinical definition of a nervous breakdown, but I'm pretty sure I had one. She finally talked me down a bit, told me that if it was killing me that bad I should leave and we would figure something out, so I did. I was never really quite the same after that. Something in me broke that day and never totally got better. I went days barely getting out of bed and the thought of getting another job was terrifying. After about 3 months I finally took a position as a customer service rep at a "manual labor" temp job place. It was awful. I felt like a modern day slave master, sending guys out to do hard labor all day for minimum wage. I hated myself even more for that.
After two years I ended up going back to the same sales job at the same place. A friend of mine had taken over as manager and I convinced myself that I could handle it. I should mention that the drug and alcohol use had continued to increase over all this time. We may not have had money for bills and stuff, but I could always scrape together enough money to buy a bag of weed. I'd shuffle bills, take cash advances on credit cards, borrow money from parents, whatever it took. I started hiding more and more stuff and lying more and more to cover it.
Long story short (sort of
) I was there for about 3 years and basically the same thing happened. I didn't have a complete breakdown this time, but it was the same torture. The sad thing is, I'm actually pretty good at sales. If I had a current customer or a potential client come to me, it was usually as good as sold, but I just could not handle the rejection of prospecting for new clients.
The same cycle repeated itself several times, all the time the substance use getting worse and worse. Then...we found out she was pregnant. Everyone says this should be the happiest time of your life, and in some ways it was but I am a very self-centered person, and now I would have to share. She told me that if we were going to have a child in the house that I couldn't use anymore. I agreed, but didn't stop. One of the most shameful moments of my life was when I almost missed the birth of my son because I was out in the parking lot getting high. When I look at the pictures holding my newborn son, my eyes are blazed. It looks like I've been crying, maybe, but I was just stoned.
Things got worse and worse. She spent more and more time either taking care of my son or at work and I got more and more resentful. Eventually I had another breakdown and she couldn't deal with a 2 year old and a F'd up husband at the same time. My parents came and got me and took me 1000 miles back to their house. We exchanged bitter emails and phone calls and when I decided to move back home she said it wouldn't be with her.
I moved back anyway, to a crappy studio apartment next to the university and the next 5 months are a complete blur. Constantly getting high, not just pot, but whatever I could get my hands on. "Partying" with the college kids (nothing more tragic than a 35 year old man hanging out with a bunch of college kids!) My wife, we were still just separated at the time, was great about letting me see my son, but I was a wreck.
Eventually I could not take it anymore. I made a conscious decision to end my life. It was around Christmas and I had promised my son that we would go see Santa, so it would have to wait a few days. After we went I gave him a big hug and went back to my shi**y apartment. I took every pill I could get my hands on, chased it with a fifth of whiskey and waited. I had been emailing back and forth with my wife that afternoon and in my last email to her simply said "Goodbye". She apparently understood what that meant and sent the cops over to my place. This was a miracle in itself, as she didn't even have my address. She knew the complex I lived in but didn't know the exact address. I guess she called my mom and got it from her.
I was still conscious when the cops knocked on my door and I pushed all the furniture I could in front of the door and grabbed a knife thinking that if I lunged at one of the cops maybe he'd shoot me. It almost worked out that way, but one of the cops cooled things down, knocked the knife out of my had and they hauled me off the the ER and then the psych ward. I moved back with my parents again and 13 years later I am still here. They are great and loving people, and more than a little enabling. The ups and downs, the substance abuse all continued to get worse, until almost 4 years ago I was correctly diagnosed as bi-polar. Stuff all of a sudden started to make more sense. I still have to take ownership for all of the F'd up stuff I have done, but at least it made a little sense.
It's still hard, still a struggle, but I do now feel some hope. I wish that with all the doctors I had seen, the times in the hospital, the rehabs, that someone would have picked up on it. Looking back it seems so obvious. Ironically, the only reason I was correctly diagnosed was that I allowed my, now ex-wife, to speak to my psychiatrist to confirm drug tests so I could see my son. She suggested to him that I might be bi-polar (she is a mental health professional) and he agreed. Funny how things work out. She has always stood by me. We are not together anymore, but she has always looked out for my best interests. Sometimes she had to choose between me and my son, and she rightfully chose my son in those times, but she has, and continues to be, solidly in my corner.
Forgive me, this post is WAYYY to long and I'm not exactly sure what the point of it is. I considered deleting it, but it seems helpful to me, so I guess I'll go ahead and keep it. I'm not sure that there is really anything to learn here other than to keep trying. It may not seem like it, but things can get better. They may not get as good as you want, but I don't think anyone really gets everything they want. Anyway, maybe some of this helps someone, if nothing else, I think it helps me. As I said, I can be a bit self centered, so there you go!! Thanks for listening.
I worked in radio for most of my 20's, it was my "dream job", until things changed in the business and it wasn't so desirable. It was a career where "partying" seen as part of the norm, and even part of the job at times. When you would go do a bar remote, free drinks were part of the deal, encouraged really. Nobody though much if you smoked weed or even did a little coke. My substance use steadily increased over this time and eventually I ended up losing my job. I always say it was because of an ownership change, and it is true that over a period of 6 months or so just about everyone got fired, but I was first. I was usually high while on the air and it showed. I don't think anyone necessarily "knew", but my performance suffered.
This was a huge blow to me. I felt like a complete failure. My wife had just started grad school and wasn't working and now neither was I. I went out and landed an outside sales job in just a week. I then went out and bought $2000 of clothes, a bit manic?? While I did need a new wardrobe as the job required suits and I didn't own one, let alone a weeks worth, I went a bit over the top for a household with zero income. It didn't matter, they told me how much money I was going to make and it was way more than I was making in radio anyway!! Of course I hadn't made any yet, that is what credit cards were for!!
This turned out to be one of the worst moves I could have made. With my anxiety, I just could not handle the cold calling. I think my biggest fear in life is rejection. I'm not really sure why, maybe someday I will figure this out with my therapist, but for some reason I just can not handle it. No matter how much I psyched myself up before a call, told myself "what is the worst thing that can happen?" I just couldn't do it. I hated myself even more for that failure.
I think sales is probably the worst job a bi-polar person could have. The up and down sales cycle, the highs of making the sale, the lows of losing one were crushing to deal with. Add to that the pressure of being the only one in the family bringing in money and it was just too much. After about 3 months I came home from work one day at lunch, locked myself in the bathroom and was just sobbing on the floor. My wife was very concerned as I almost never cried and she had never seen me break down like that. I felt so trapped. I don't know the clinical definition of a nervous breakdown, but I'm pretty sure I had one. She finally talked me down a bit, told me that if it was killing me that bad I should leave and we would figure something out, so I did. I was never really quite the same after that. Something in me broke that day and never totally got better. I went days barely getting out of bed and the thought of getting another job was terrifying. After about 3 months I finally took a position as a customer service rep at a "manual labor" temp job place. It was awful. I felt like a modern day slave master, sending guys out to do hard labor all day for minimum wage. I hated myself even more for that.
After two years I ended up going back to the same sales job at the same place. A friend of mine had taken over as manager and I convinced myself that I could handle it. I should mention that the drug and alcohol use had continued to increase over all this time. We may not have had money for bills and stuff, but I could always scrape together enough money to buy a bag of weed. I'd shuffle bills, take cash advances on credit cards, borrow money from parents, whatever it took. I started hiding more and more stuff and lying more and more to cover it.
Long story short (sort of
) I was there for about 3 years and basically the same thing happened. I didn't have a complete breakdown this time, but it was the same torture. The sad thing is, I'm actually pretty good at sales. If I had a current customer or a potential client come to me, it was usually as good as sold, but I just could not handle the rejection of prospecting for new clients.The same cycle repeated itself several times, all the time the substance use getting worse and worse. Then...we found out she was pregnant. Everyone says this should be the happiest time of your life, and in some ways it was but I am a very self-centered person, and now I would have to share. She told me that if we were going to have a child in the house that I couldn't use anymore. I agreed, but didn't stop. One of the most shameful moments of my life was when I almost missed the birth of my son because I was out in the parking lot getting high. When I look at the pictures holding my newborn son, my eyes are blazed. It looks like I've been crying, maybe, but I was just stoned.
Things got worse and worse. She spent more and more time either taking care of my son or at work and I got more and more resentful. Eventually I had another breakdown and she couldn't deal with a 2 year old and a F'd up husband at the same time. My parents came and got me and took me 1000 miles back to their house. We exchanged bitter emails and phone calls and when I decided to move back home she said it wouldn't be with her.
I moved back anyway, to a crappy studio apartment next to the university and the next 5 months are a complete blur. Constantly getting high, not just pot, but whatever I could get my hands on. "Partying" with the college kids (nothing more tragic than a 35 year old man hanging out with a bunch of college kids!) My wife, we were still just separated at the time, was great about letting me see my son, but I was a wreck.
Eventually I could not take it anymore. I made a conscious decision to end my life. It was around Christmas and I had promised my son that we would go see Santa, so it would have to wait a few days. After we went I gave him a big hug and went back to my shi**y apartment. I took every pill I could get my hands on, chased it with a fifth of whiskey and waited. I had been emailing back and forth with my wife that afternoon and in my last email to her simply said "Goodbye". She apparently understood what that meant and sent the cops over to my place. This was a miracle in itself, as she didn't even have my address. She knew the complex I lived in but didn't know the exact address. I guess she called my mom and got it from her.
I was still conscious when the cops knocked on my door and I pushed all the furniture I could in front of the door and grabbed a knife thinking that if I lunged at one of the cops maybe he'd shoot me. It almost worked out that way, but one of the cops cooled things down, knocked the knife out of my had and they hauled me off the the ER and then the psych ward. I moved back with my parents again and 13 years later I am still here. They are great and loving people, and more than a little enabling. The ups and downs, the substance abuse all continued to get worse, until almost 4 years ago I was correctly diagnosed as bi-polar. Stuff all of a sudden started to make more sense. I still have to take ownership for all of the F'd up stuff I have done, but at least it made a little sense.
It's still hard, still a struggle, but I do now feel some hope. I wish that with all the doctors I had seen, the times in the hospital, the rehabs, that someone would have picked up on it. Looking back it seems so obvious. Ironically, the only reason I was correctly diagnosed was that I allowed my, now ex-wife, to speak to my psychiatrist to confirm drug tests so I could see my son. She suggested to him that I might be bi-polar (she is a mental health professional) and he agreed. Funny how things work out. She has always stood by me. We are not together anymore, but she has always looked out for my best interests. Sometimes she had to choose between me and my son, and she rightfully chose my son in those times, but she has, and continues to be, solidly in my corner.
Forgive me, this post is WAYYY to long and I'm not exactly sure what the point of it is. I considered deleting it, but it seems helpful to me, so I guess I'll go ahead and keep it. I'm not sure that there is really anything to learn here other than to keep trying. It may not seem like it, but things can get better. They may not get as good as you want, but I don't think anyone really gets everything they want. Anyway, maybe some of this helps someone, if nothing else, I think it helps me. As I said, I can be a bit self centered, so there you go!! Thanks for listening.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Really great story Tyler.
Lots of parallels to my own. I was treated for unipolar depression for years, my psychiatrist said my depression was "complicated." That's because I had Bipolar 2. I diagnosed myself in 2003(ish) and found a new Pdoc. Also went on lamictal, which is a miracle drug when it works. Took it through 2005 and went off it because it was making me REALLY stupid. I can trace my heavy drinking (and benzos and blow) to a few months after I stopped taking it. I also realized that my "crazy grandmother" that had been treated for depression for years, including electroconvulsive therapy, was actually bipolar. I remembered seeing her in a state my mother called "wild eyed," and I recognized it as a mixed episode because I'd had them. Worst thing ever, and puts you at an extreme risk for suicide. Nasty business.
Finally went back on it last year after I got out of rehab, along with some other drugs in a cocktail. The lamictal does the trick. I'm putting up with some hair loss, but I think it's a small price to pay, and that might be solvable.
My gig was alcohol when I was depressed and cocaine when I was manic. I really liked my mood swings to be as extreme as possible.
I hope you're not completely correct about the sales being wrong for a bipolar, because I've left my corporate job of over 15 years to get into real estate. I think the sales part will be good as long as the BPII is controlled, my "resting state" is just a big hypomanic and I'm extremely extroverted. The prospecting scares the crap out of me though.
Keep slogging on the sobriety. I'm at 11 months today, my meds are stable and my body is healthier than it's been for 25 years. Living well isn't the best revenge, being sober and physically/mentally healthy is.
Glad you have family in your corner. I'm trying to make a family now.
Lots of parallels to my own. I was treated for unipolar depression for years, my psychiatrist said my depression was "complicated." That's because I had Bipolar 2. I diagnosed myself in 2003(ish) and found a new Pdoc. Also went on lamictal, which is a miracle drug when it works. Took it through 2005 and went off it because it was making me REALLY stupid. I can trace my heavy drinking (and benzos and blow) to a few months after I stopped taking it. I also realized that my "crazy grandmother" that had been treated for depression for years, including electroconvulsive therapy, was actually bipolar. I remembered seeing her in a state my mother called "wild eyed," and I recognized it as a mixed episode because I'd had them. Worst thing ever, and puts you at an extreme risk for suicide. Nasty business.
Finally went back on it last year after I got out of rehab, along with some other drugs in a cocktail. The lamictal does the trick. I'm putting up with some hair loss, but I think it's a small price to pay, and that might be solvable.
My gig was alcohol when I was depressed and cocaine when I was manic. I really liked my mood swings to be as extreme as possible.
I hope you're not completely correct about the sales being wrong for a bipolar, because I've left my corporate job of over 15 years to get into real estate. I think the sales part will be good as long as the BPII is controlled, my "resting state" is just a big hypomanic and I'm extremely extroverted. The prospecting scares the crap out of me though.
Keep slogging on the sobriety. I'm at 11 months today, my meds are stable and my body is healthier than it's been for 25 years. Living well isn't the best revenge, being sober and physically/mentally healthy is.
Glad you have family in your corner. I'm trying to make a family now.
formerly luvSOBERlife
Join Date: May 2018
Location: East Tennessee USA
Posts: 116
TYLER!!!! THANK YOU BROTHER!!!!
I'm so ******* happy that I stumbled across your fantastic posts! Soooooo much of what I read in your very detailed accounts sounds EXACTLY like me. Holy ****!!!! Your story really moved me brother.
I haven't read every detail yet but I will. I skimmed a lot mostly because I really wanted to post a reply to thank you. BTW, you might be the first member on here I've found so far that actually writes more than I do. Too friggin' funny. Yet another reason I found this so interesting.
Anyway, I'm 44 years old and have been bipolar (2) probably since I was a teenager. Definitely seriously depressed at times from age of 12 that I can remember. I was incorrectly diagnosed as just depressed with adhd around 2006 or 2007. Since then, I've been through nearly all the SSRI's with Wellbutrin mixed in at times. They seemed to 'work' for awhile but all fizzled out. I exhibited some very strange behavior at times especially when I switched antidepressants.
I was finally correctly diagnosed last September and it's been nothing short of a revelation. It explains so ******* much about my weird life! The more I found out about bipolar disorder, the more my life made sense. I started to see the patterns play out over and over again. Depression phases followed by waking up one day and I'd be 'myself' again all happy-go-lucky, confident, ready to take on the world. A few weeks of this, maybe a month or so, then something would happen and it all crashed down back to depression. Sound familiar? I was depressed, then suddenly going hypo manic and loving life so much. But that ends as we know. The good times felt great but we always crash down again. It all make SO MUCH SENSE now.
I've been on 6 different bipolar meds so far. The first 5 were terrible except Depakote which was the least terrible but caused terrible back pain and I was just pissed off all the time. I finally started Lamictal a month or so ago and I'm still titrating up to full dosage - only at 50 mg now but probably going to 100 mg next week. Also on 450 mg of lithium, a low dose to go along with the Lamictal, but I'll probably stop the lithium soon. I don't want to screw up my kidneys and I don't think it's helping at all. I refuse to go any higher dosage.
Since age 14 I've smoked pot and drank. Did a good deal of acid and mushrooms in high school but not after. Got into a decent coke and porn habit a few years ago that I've finally ended for good. Just lost interest somehow but not looking back.
Eventually Alcohol became my drug of choice partially by convenience but I was destined to go this way anyway really. I'm onlly sober 5 days now after a 1/2 gallon every 2 days of vodka habit. Everyday, nearly all day, for the last 8 months. Only sober 1 month in the last 5 years really last September after starting bipolar meds but went back to the bottle when I had weird reactions to some harsh ones.
Hey I have to cut this off for now. Gotta make dinner for the family. I have a fantastic wife and two beautiful young daughters. So super blessed!
And I told you I write a lot like you, eh? Chapter 2 later tonight.
Thanks for reading so far.
I'm so ******* happy that I stumbled across your fantastic posts! Soooooo much of what I read in your very detailed accounts sounds EXACTLY like me. Holy ****!!!! Your story really moved me brother.
I haven't read every detail yet but I will. I skimmed a lot mostly because I really wanted to post a reply to thank you. BTW, you might be the first member on here I've found so far that actually writes more than I do. Too friggin' funny. Yet another reason I found this so interesting.
Anyway, I'm 44 years old and have been bipolar (2) probably since I was a teenager. Definitely seriously depressed at times from age of 12 that I can remember. I was incorrectly diagnosed as just depressed with adhd around 2006 or 2007. Since then, I've been through nearly all the SSRI's with Wellbutrin mixed in at times. They seemed to 'work' for awhile but all fizzled out. I exhibited some very strange behavior at times especially when I switched antidepressants.
I was finally correctly diagnosed last September and it's been nothing short of a revelation. It explains so ******* much about my weird life! The more I found out about bipolar disorder, the more my life made sense. I started to see the patterns play out over and over again. Depression phases followed by waking up one day and I'd be 'myself' again all happy-go-lucky, confident, ready to take on the world. A few weeks of this, maybe a month or so, then something would happen and it all crashed down back to depression. Sound familiar? I was depressed, then suddenly going hypo manic and loving life so much. But that ends as we know. The good times felt great but we always crash down again. It all make SO MUCH SENSE now.
I've been on 6 different bipolar meds so far. The first 5 were terrible except Depakote which was the least terrible but caused terrible back pain and I was just pissed off all the time. I finally started Lamictal a month or so ago and I'm still titrating up to full dosage - only at 50 mg now but probably going to 100 mg next week. Also on 450 mg of lithium, a low dose to go along with the Lamictal, but I'll probably stop the lithium soon. I don't want to screw up my kidneys and I don't think it's helping at all. I refuse to go any higher dosage.
Since age 14 I've smoked pot and drank. Did a good deal of acid and mushrooms in high school but not after. Got into a decent coke and porn habit a few years ago that I've finally ended for good. Just lost interest somehow but not looking back.
Eventually Alcohol became my drug of choice partially by convenience but I was destined to go this way anyway really. I'm onlly sober 5 days now after a 1/2 gallon every 2 days of vodka habit. Everyday, nearly all day, for the last 8 months. Only sober 1 month in the last 5 years really last September after starting bipolar meds but went back to the bottle when I had weird reactions to some harsh ones.
Hey I have to cut this off for now. Gotta make dinner for the family. I have a fantastic wife and two beautiful young daughters. So super blessed!
And I told you I write a lot like you, eh? Chapter 2 later tonight.
Thanks for reading so far.
formerly luvSOBERlife
Join Date: May 2018
Location: East Tennessee USA
Posts: 116
Part 2
I started to suspect it wasn't just depression a few years back when the 3rd SSRI stopped working. None of the doctors had any clue why of course. They never did fix me entirely anyway. I had many bouts what were clearly mixed-states but I thought it was just ADHD. Once I started switching SSRI's my behavior really started to change. It didn't help I was doing a lot of drinking and a few drugs starting the beginning of a mid-life crisis. Got into trouble at work and had to go to counseling. Really got depressed and just got so wound up I kind of melted down.
In February of that year, I had what I know now was a clear-cut hypomanic episode. I had just switched from Lexapro to zoloft and woke up one day just feeling like I was on the best drug ever made. I was super 'high' but not intoxicated at all. Unbelievably happy, not a care in the world, super positive about the future, smiling ear to ear. It was f__king amazing. I can still remember how great I felt. At some point that ended and I came back to earth. Funny, I told two psychiatrists about this and one counselor and none of them suspected I was hypomanic. It's 100% clear I was but none of those idiots picked up on it causing me to go another three years until I was properly diagnosed. I went through a few more, shorter similar episodes that summer. They lasted 2-3 weeks each. Not quite as euphoric but pretty close. I haven't had one of those in awhile.
Wrapping up, I'm currently titrating up Lamictal. I have good hopes for this one. All the research I've done sounds like it's the one I need but you can't know until you try it. Things didn't really start improving until last October when I stopped taking Prozac. Turns out SSRI's are very bad for me and probably most bipolar people. I see now how much they were screwing with me. All that extra seratonin in my system was only making things much worse. I still can't believe how much they screwed me up.
I just found out my ADHD is worse than I thought. I've been going along just coping but recently discovered how I clear my mind can be if I'm on the proper medicine. I'll have to get that addressed now. I'm a walking experiment with all of my disorders and conditions. Most of this is genetic but my childhood was kind of messed up so that didn't help. My life is good now though so I'm finally in a place to really get better. I hope you are too, man. I'm so glad I found this forum. It's really helped me a lot getting sober and I want to give back as much as I can. I am 100% certain that I can only be completely clean and sober. I cannot ever drink again and I cannot ever smoke weed even because it will only lead back to the bottle. It took 44 years to figure that out but I've got it now.
I started to suspect it wasn't just depression a few years back when the 3rd SSRI stopped working. None of the doctors had any clue why of course. They never did fix me entirely anyway. I had many bouts what were clearly mixed-states but I thought it was just ADHD. Once I started switching SSRI's my behavior really started to change. It didn't help I was doing a lot of drinking and a few drugs starting the beginning of a mid-life crisis. Got into trouble at work and had to go to counseling. Really got depressed and just got so wound up I kind of melted down.
In February of that year, I had what I know now was a clear-cut hypomanic episode. I had just switched from Lexapro to zoloft and woke up one day just feeling like I was on the best drug ever made. I was super 'high' but not intoxicated at all. Unbelievably happy, not a care in the world, super positive about the future, smiling ear to ear. It was f__king amazing. I can still remember how great I felt. At some point that ended and I came back to earth. Funny, I told two psychiatrists about this and one counselor and none of them suspected I was hypomanic. It's 100% clear I was but none of those idiots picked up on it causing me to go another three years until I was properly diagnosed. I went through a few more, shorter similar episodes that summer. They lasted 2-3 weeks each. Not quite as euphoric but pretty close. I haven't had one of those in awhile.
Wrapping up, I'm currently titrating up Lamictal. I have good hopes for this one. All the research I've done sounds like it's the one I need but you can't know until you try it. Things didn't really start improving until last October when I stopped taking Prozac. Turns out SSRI's are very bad for me and probably most bipolar people. I see now how much they were screwing with me. All that extra seratonin in my system was only making things much worse. I still can't believe how much they screwed me up.
I just found out my ADHD is worse than I thought. I've been going along just coping but recently discovered how I clear my mind can be if I'm on the proper medicine. I'll have to get that addressed now. I'm a walking experiment with all of my disorders and conditions. Most of this is genetic but my childhood was kind of messed up so that didn't help. My life is good now though so I'm finally in a place to really get better. I hope you are too, man. I'm so glad I found this forum. It's really helped me a lot getting sober and I want to give back as much as I can. I am 100% certain that I can only be completely clean and sober. I cannot ever drink again and I cannot ever smoke weed even because it will only lead back to the bottle. It took 44 years to figure that out but I've got it now.
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