Lava256

I find myself deeply depressed. One of the worst things about depression is it sometimes almost has no reason or cause for it’s popping up. By all counts I should and could be happy but I’m just not. I’m so tired. The only thing getting me out of bed these days is my son and so that my husband doesn’t suspect that there’s something terribly wrong with me: which right now I feel like there is. I want to go see a doctor but that means admitting my depression to my husband. I’m afraid he wouldn’t take it very well. He doesn’t understand mental health issues much...

I’m writing here as a possible first step to kick starting a recovery of sorts. I’ve been off SR a while but even though I’ve been back reading lately, nothing is helping.

I’m in that deep, dark hole where I often wish I could just die. It’s not good. I probably should talk to my husband about all this.

Lava.

Coldfusion

Hi Lava!

I really think it would be best for you to discuss this with your husband and go to a doctor. There are many physical causes of depression that may be helped with medication.

I hope you are able to beat this in the New Year!

Babescake

If you are having suicidal thoughts, then it is serious. Go to a dr. You don't have to tell your husband to do that. And if he isn't supportive, still seek treatment. It is real, it is hard and it can be deadly. Get yourself better. I speak from almost 2 decades of experience with severe clinical depression (plus alcohol which came way later, what fun!) and an unsupportive spouse that "doesn't get it." Do it for you.

Dee74

I'm glad to see you back Lava - but yeah - please see a Dr - there's so much that can be done for depression these days. No one needs to suffer.

D

TYG2

Yes you know what to do. See your Dr. ASAP. I'm speaking from experience. Same symptoms, Yes it's clinical depression. Be totally honest with Dr to get the best results. I've suffered since 1990. It might be trial and error with the meds but stop suffering in silence. Dr. should hook you up with a Therapist or Psychologist or Psychiatrist. My ex husband didn't believe in depression. That's why he's my ex (kidding, more complicated).
With the right meds I'm sure you'll feel better soon. Stay hopeful.

PeacefulWater12

I encourage you to see your doctor. I have had depression on and off all my life. There are some excellent medications to support it now. My doctor has been a big help to me.

Wishing you all the best.

icoi87

Hi Lava. I would encourage you to see a doctor. I agree with the others- depression is completely treatable and there is no reason to suffer. I have experienced the darkness myself and currently take an antidepressant which has helped so much. I’ve done therapy too which is also an option. Hugs.

Astro

One of the best things I did for my recovery was to see a mental wellness provider who gave me some insight on meds that could help and routines that lifted my spirits. Nobody else really needed to know about it.

Wolf_22

Lava, you've been given some fantastic suggestions so far... Has anything improved lately?

Also (and out of curiosity), have you been able to identify any patterns in your behaviors? For example, have you tried to identify any triggers that might be causing your changes in character, such as environmental or interpersonal? If not, you might start trying to keep a mental checklist of things that could contribute to all this because you'll be essentially creating a portfolio of data you can later review in an effort to isolate any causes that you may not be aware of right now.

Looking at it from a more cognitive angle, have you tried to examine your thoughts with enough scrutiny to identify anything that you may not have consciously realized you were preoccupied with? Think of breathing as an example of what I'm trying to describe: We all breath in and out so often that we never really think about the act of it and everything that goes into doing it and often times, when you do think about the act of breathing, it can be a little strange to consider and for no other reason than the fact that you rarely consider it. It's a much more detailed situation than we give credit for, too: You inhale air that you often taste and smell prior to using your muscular diaphragm responsible for altering your lung pressure and when your stomach expands with the airflow, your chest and belly inflate to such an extent that you can often feel your heartbeat more so than you could if you exhaled... So yeah, there's always much more taking place in any situation than we often realize and it's no different with thought processes, especially when you backtrack mental associations corresponding to a given thought. In fact, you might consider doing exactly that: The next time you have a random thought, see how far back you can trace your thought processes to see just how dynamic mental associations can be. It can be somewhat fun sometimes but it can also be enlightening, too, as it can sometimes shine light on things you didn't realize were on your mind.

Anyway, I only asked about it because I've also suffered from severe depression and in some cases, I later realized that I was unable to see the forest due to the mental tree that was blocking my view. I guess you could say that it's like a mental form of conceptual agnosia: A situation where someone could be so extremely focused on a mental thing that through time, they get lost in their own thoughts but persist in maintaining the emotional association to the very thing they lost awareness of which eventually results in blocking any clarity they may have otherwise had for the original issue.

(It's just something to think about that might help you along the way to exercising any professional resources you use.)

I really hope things turn out okay. Depression really sucks but just keep your chin up and keep fighting. I'm confident you'll make it through this. You've already made a great stride by posting on here, so pat yourself on the back for that.

Ringo123

Lava,
I feel for you. Hopefully you've reached out either to your doctor and/or husband by now. I am in recovery, so to speak, from depression for several years. It took a lot of work and effort but it was so worth it.

You are worth whatever time, effort or money it takes to get better. I have to do certain things every single day to take care of myself and to not slip into the darkness that is just waiting for me.

Reach out and get the help you need to live the life you deserve.

Dee74

How are things going Lava?

D

TheDude8D

Hope you're doing well! Remember the doctor is only there to help and nothing bad can come out of seeing one! But some little things I've picked up to help depression- set a timer for 5 minutes and pick up as much as you can around your room and stop when the timer is up, change clothes! Even if it's just a different set of PJ's, go on a walk when the suns out, natural vitamin D works wonders! And try (I never have been good at keeping up with this) but type out 5 things that made you smile/happy/grateful you saw or did today! Hope these can help you and know it DOES get better!

Astro

Sunshine definitely does wonders for lifting our spirits and I try to begin most days in gratitude. Lava, I hope you're doing well.

kayleezen

Hey Lava,
You just described a lot of my marriage right there in that short paragraph. My former husband pretended to understand but he literally just saw me as a circus freak he was curious to learn about. He may have had some compassion but he had a huge stigma about medication, doctors and anything psych related.

From there goes the hiding which is so terribly bad for a person suffering from symptoms of depression, we already tend to isolate and hiding makes it all worse.

Currently my son is 15 and going through the rebellion, make fun of mom stage. He makes constant comments about my depression, functioning and "special needs." He knows better, I raised him with a lot of awareness but it's his way to "get at Mom," you know. It is affecting me a lot among a lot other stressors. Throw a sick Father I am responsible for, a boyfriend I am trying to leave and let's just say, I did not get out of bed much in December.
However baby, baby steps. I finally called to change my doctor who had nothing much to offer me and asked for another one.
It gets better and I help people with depression every day as a mental health worker so I see treatment work.
Keep trying and see it as a journey. A journey you can win!

Lava256

You know, since I posted this, I’ve not been back. I didn’t think anyone would really care. But thanks, everyone, for reading and responding. This is the first time I’ve checked this thread out since the first day I posted. I was always anxious that I’d either find no replies or only negative ones. Total opposite.

I’m so happy that you guys are so supportive. I really need that right now. I will see a therapist. I think I need one.

Thank you so much.

Astro

Glad you checked back in, Lava!

Dee74

Really glad to hear from you Lava

D