Anger, bitterness and resentment
 

I'm having a really hard time with my wife right now, or she's having a really hard time with me. Probably both. Definitely both. This has been going on for six years. Six. Years. I've been clean for four. I am at fault for nursing all the hurt and resentment over the years. Somehow I'm not dealing with this in the right way. She drives me absolutely crazy - any time we disagree she will move straight to the same position: you are wrong because you haven't recovered yet. This is extremely unhelpful and doesn't ever resolve anything, it makes me really angry. Because I don't have any way to express this anger it has turned into a seeping resentment and bitterness. It comes out in my body language and expressions even if I don't voice it. If I even try to bring up how impossible this makes things, the answer is the same and I have been told categorically will always be the same: you have to rehabilitate or get out.

It feels like I'm facing a brick wall here and there's no possibility of dialogue. I'm lonely.

I know in recovery it is important for me to look at my own faults, not those of others which is why I'm trying to see how I've nursed all the hurt and served it back up - which is a terrible thing to do and no way to live, but I don't know how to deal with how incredibly hurt I am by her constant blame and unwillingness to listen.

I don't want a divorce. I went through that as a child and am not willing to put my own wonderful children through the same ordeal, even if I have to go through a lot of pain myself to get through this.

Help.

Welcome, wagster. I found recovery amid an impending divorce, my second one. Nobody ever promised me that staying sober and working on my own issues would save my marriage, but they guaranteed me my life would get better.

Almost 13 years have passed without a drink, I'm now on my 3rd marriage. My life has never been better and every day is a miracle. I have a relationship with my children that is not what I imagined, but it's healthy and I get the chance to be a great example to them.

What I wanted to hear in 2005 was that I could hold my marriage together by my own will, but what I ended up getting was the life that I dreamed of as a result of allowing others to help and lead me, to show me how to live life clean and sober, and to clean up the wreckage of my past.

Thanks Astro. I'll be really really devastated if this doesn't work out, but it might not happen. All I can do is not meet anger with anger. I feel so let down, but I guess it's not someone else's job to support me. That's my job.

I'm guessing you've been heavily drinking for quite some time while in the relationship? If so, alcoholism isn't just self inflicted, it also severely damages those closest to you.
If this is the case, then your wife needs to enter recovery as well with alanon or perhaps marriage counseling for the both of you.

Hmmm. It's pretty complex. My wife got sober 14 years ago. I got sober 4 years ago. There's ten years of hurt right there.

My wife refuses to do marriage counselling, alanon, AA or therapy. Why should she? She's sober so she doesn't need it - I'm the problem here. She's really upset that she got sober whereas I just stopped drinking. I told her very calmly and without anger this morning that she doesn't have a monopoly on sobriety. She just laughed at me and said "Well you would say that - you're not sober, you ridiculous little man".

I'm going to have to rise above feeling resentful about that. That's her position and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

And you're right - she's very damaged, by her birth family and then by me. She deserves my compassion, not my anger.

Oh, and to make it more complex, she may be right. I just spent a full day weeping. That's not an indicator of sobriety. That's sitting on the pity pot.