Depression and anxiety
 

Hello all. I hate depression, I hate not feeling good enough, I hate that when I do feel good I find reasons not to, I hate that I constantly make the same mistakes, I hate that I can't accept myself for who I am, I hate that I can't let go of regrets, I hate that no one goes completely out of their way for me like I do for them. I hate that I am scared talk to the people closest to me about my inner most thoughts, I hate that I can't deeply connect with anyone, I hate how lonely I feel even when I'm surrounded by people who love me. I hate that I have never felt like a normal person, and mostly, I hate the misery of not being able to deal with depression.
I am on medication, but it has barely taken the edge off. I really don't want to see a shrink, but I am starting to feel like I need to. I feel stuck in life, I can't let anything go, I'm tired of being miserable. I only get one or two days a week when I feel normal, the rest of the time I feel like I am fighting for air, like I'm drowning.

Anyone else feel the same way? I hate this, I have a great family and great friends, I should not feel like this, but I have for most of my life. I struggled bad in middle school, put everyone around me through hell, I don't want to go back to that, but I've had a lot of bad memories from then creep into my mind, and I hate it. I thought I buried it years ago, but the crap is creeping back up.

I already feel better just putting this in writing.

It’s those pieces of progress and the victories that keep me going when my self-defeating tendencies, anxiety, and depression have me convinced that I am less than worthy of a great life.

I often share that just fresh air and sunshine do it for me. I’m riding a pink cloud right now so I’m going to throw a sleeping bag and fishing gear into my truck on Friday and run away from home for 24 hours. I have my happy places in recovery, I just need to keep rediscovering them.

Heya Squirrel. I get it . . . hmmm . . . well at least my own version of "it" AKA clinical depression. It certainly wasn't what I wanted to deal with in life. After decades, I have kinda-sort-sometimes accepted that . . . yep . . . .this is my life's project. I do whatever helps as much as I can and do it fairly badly sometimes.

Peace to you. It is not not not fun.

Exactly
 

Squirrel, oh my gosh, thank you. I had the worst time today. I came on here and your post was the first thing I read and it felt so good and weird to read EXACTLY, I mean EXACTLY what I feel. Then you wrote, "Anyone else feel the same way?" and I was like, "YES!!! Me! Me! Me!" Today my feelings of inadequacy and failure and constant regrets just about did me in today.

I have a long history with depression but when it gets ahold of me I have a hard time recognizing it at first. So your post helped identify it and gives me a small ray of hope because I know (somewhere deep down in the gray matter) there are ways to feel better. I'll try a few things I know, and if they don't work then I'll see the doc and get back on medication.

So thanks, Squirrel. :tyou

I encourage anyone with chronic depression to see a psychiatrist.

In many, many cases, help is little more than a doctor visit away.

It certainly has been with me.

Preferably a psychiatrist with experience in addiction and recovery.

I'm sober 26 years and have dealt with depression the entire time. You really should find a good psychiatrist, medication and therapy can change thinking 180 degrees.