Johnpower

Hi,

I wasnt sure where to put this, but here it goes....

So my story begins at about 17 when i was above average in school but no genius (irish lc 500/625 points without too much stress or effort. I had a great memory, always joking, ambitious, light hearted and had an untainted naive view on the world.

I started drinking then at 18 and smoked several times in the year, cannabis maybe once every two months. Repeating the leaving cert wanting to do medicine i did well in the hpat (but again my leaving let me down). I took this extremely hard and went onto do a coure i only half liked but had lost my interest in everything. I started smoking daily in college ( spending about 100€ a week on cannabis,going in a total of about 2 weeks in the first year and binge drinking once a week minimum, sometimes 2 days rarely 3 days.)

Turning 19 i first tried MDMA and thats when things started to horrifically spiral, i lost interest in my course even further, life and only thought about going out. I used it twice between 19:5 and 20 after which i used it weekly( every second week) for 3/4 months and then went to a few festivals so used it like 6/7 days of a week for two weeks. In between i also dabbled in ketamine 5/6 times, and cocaine 2/3 times. At this point i had stopped smoking as it gave me panic attacks, many hroughout the day.

This worsened with time and eventually i couldnt go outside without a panic attack coming on(mainly buses etc) and only ever went out to drink alcohol/nights out binge drinking or forced myself to work to avoid telling my parents. I failed second year in college leaving half way through to come home as i couldnt function as a normal person anymore. I worked over summer but relapsed hard on drink and drugs after being off it three months. I was housebound for the following 3 months leaving maybe once a week to drink etc.

I had little to no memory, extreme paranoia, no creative side anymore, depression, anxiety , psychosis, extremely negative hardly go outside anymore in fear of panic attacks, cant maintain reationships friendships, interest ( ended a two and a half year relationship same time i went off the rails on drugs)

I am now 2.5 months off everything again just turned 21, getting help from doctors and was put on anxiety & depression meds due to see a psych which reduced the panic somewhat and improved my happiness. What i want to know is will i ever be a happy, joyfilled, somewhat intelligent, slightly relaxed and confident person again? Am i being too ambitious aiming for medicine postgrad and a return to my old course in the next year? (process and chemical eng) ? Will my memory ever improve? Will my intelligence ever return to somewhat of its former self? Will i ever be my humourous creative spontaneous self and not so sensitive and just empty upstairs in general? Did i **** myself up completely with the alcohol dependance and will i be able to function as a normal member of society again or talk normally again?

*Edit* also told my parents and doctors everything 2 months ago when i was at my lowest, lost a lot of friends who still go out purely because i dont want to anymore.

MindfulMan

MDMA can definitely result in depression post use. Generally there is no l/t effects from ketamine, it is actually used as an adjunct in depression treatment. Depression from cocaine is usually pretty short term.

Cannabis in young people is very commonly a contributor to academic problems. The antimotivational syndrome almost always subsides after cessation, but the effects are VERY real. There was a kid in my outpatient program that got kicked out of his major due to weed use (it's legal here, btw). He actually found a career choice that better suits him and wasn't being done to please his family. He is sober now!

MDMA is largely reverseable, particularly with low use, dosage and time.

Your doctor should absolutely be able to help, particularly if there are underlying mental health issues.

wagster

Ouch. That's a hard fall. You will never be that naive, happy 18 year old again but you can be a functioning wise and happy adult. You are young yet and have arrested this early so well done. Also, well done on talking to your family, I hope they're supportive.

I suspect your mental faculties will restore themselves to 100% - the brain is more resilient than we give it credit for. Give it a little time to heal though. L-Tyrosine can be helpful in stabilising dopamine levels after the huge MDMA dopamine party.

There's a lot more to addiction than neurology. You should maybe look at how you handled not getting into medicine - life is packed full of disappointments and you'll get more of them. Some people are able to handle them in a sober and thoughtful way, others like us take an easier option. Your challenge here is to become someone who can handle life on life's terms. The twelve steps can help if you feel you'd like to try them. Don't worry overly about the brain stuff, but do get a medical opinion. And obviously, don't do drugs

Oh and one last thing. You aren't being too ambitious. You can absolutely do that. However be aware that it may be stressful and even if it works out it may not go exactly as you want. You need a plan for when it gets tough, when it stirs the anxiety and when you just want to go out and get wrecked. A relapse will ruin any chances you have.

Take care and regards from Galway.