MB's Thread (was 506 days sober....)
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MB's Thread (was 506 days sober....)
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Hmmm . . . as so many of us follow this thread maybe we should have a contest for the "snappier title" as offered by Dee (Thanks for the new thread Dee)
Blue I often think about depression as climbing an emotional Mount Everest everyday. I remember some famous climber was asked why he climbed Mount Everest and he responded, "Because it is there.". I don't suppose you could respond to the snarky, smirky, jerk, who asks you, "So what?" with something similar.
I probably need to read through the entire thread as you may have already been asked and responded to some of these question but here are a couple:
Are you a believer? And another question: Have you ever considered getting a dog or a cat?
Blue I often think about depression as climbing an emotional Mount Everest everyday. I remember some famous climber was asked why he climbed Mount Everest and he responded, "Because it is there.". I don't suppose you could respond to the snarky, smirky, jerk, who asks you, "So what?" with something similar.
I probably need to read through the entire thread as you may have already been asked and responded to some of these question but here are a couple:
Are you a believer? And another question: Have you ever considered getting a dog or a cat?
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, friends)
Thank you for the new thread, Dee!
Yes, I think it's time for a snappier title. But at the same time I'd like to keep some original reminder of where I came from.
So, I like Beckindalways's idea to vote.
Feel free to come up with some ideas, fellow depression -warriors!
I am ok, but keep some crazy schedule recently. So, I will catch up with more profound thoughts on weekend.
But to give a quick answer.
I am a big believer - in science, evolution, and the human's ability to constantly question and destroy dogmas. In other words - hardcore atheist. By atheist I mean exactly what it means a-theist. Universe, Infinite Intelligence, and other realm of yet not known and understandable - that's another story.
I adopted a dog when I was 8 years old and somehow talked my mother into keeping it. To be honest it was more dog's merit that my mother liked him - he was extraordinary (yah, I know, everyone says this about his/her pets, but still). It was just impossible not to love him. We had to put him down when I was 22, and it just broke my heart then.
Now I am probably ready for another pet, but I live alone and don't give up my dream of travelling yet, so I won't give a pet a lot of stress about all that.
Cats... Heh....I think I am also a-catist)
I like what this guy said about Everest . I get it. It's in climbing those Everests I find pieces of my real self scattered all over the place.
My hugs to all.
See you soon)
Thank you for the new thread, Dee!
Yes, I think it's time for a snappier title. But at the same time I'd like to keep some original reminder of where I came from.
So, I like Beckindalways's idea to vote.
Feel free to come up with some ideas, fellow depression -warriors!
I am ok, but keep some crazy schedule recently. So, I will catch up with more profound thoughts on weekend.
But to give a quick answer.
I am a big believer - in science, evolution, and the human's ability to constantly question and destroy dogmas. In other words - hardcore atheist. By atheist I mean exactly what it means a-theist. Universe, Infinite Intelligence, and other realm of yet not known and understandable - that's another story.
I adopted a dog when I was 8 years old and somehow talked my mother into keeping it. To be honest it was more dog's merit that my mother liked him - he was extraordinary (yah, I know, everyone says this about his/her pets, but still). It was just impossible not to love him. We had to put him down when I was 22, and it just broke my heart then.
Now I am probably ready for another pet, but I live alone and don't give up my dream of travelling yet, so I won't give a pet a lot of stress about all that.
Cats... Heh....I think I am also a-catist)
I like what this guy said about Everest . I get it. It's in climbing those Everests I find pieces of my real self scattered all over the place.
My hugs to all.
See you soon)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,002
Good to hear from you Midnight.
I can't think of any snappy titles for the forum but if I have a light bulb, I'll let you know.
I bet a pet would help you quite a bit but understand that getting a dog when you are single and work a lot is not ideal. I don't have one either as I travel quite a bit. I wish I could borrow one more. I do dog sit some.
I just asked the question about believing as I wanted to understand where you were coming from. I'm a Roman Catholic (struggling); I believe in a God just not one that I nor anyone else can understand. If I remember right, you meditate? I spent time in a monastery and learned to meditate but don't do it enough.
I can't think of any snappy titles for the forum but if I have a light bulb, I'll let you know.
I bet a pet would help you quite a bit but understand that getting a dog when you are single and work a lot is not ideal. I don't have one either as I travel quite a bit. I wish I could borrow one more. I do dog sit some.
I just asked the question about believing as I wanted to understand where you were coming from. I'm a Roman Catholic (struggling); I believe in a God just not one that I nor anyone else can understand. If I remember right, you meditate? I spent time in a monastery and learned to meditate but don't do it enough.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
It's been a while since I posted - busy period of my life right now.
Though they say if you are "busy" than things are out of control. Probably. Not having enough faith my my own priorities makes me create business to relieve tension.
My mood has been total roller coaster lately. Lots of depression and crying every day.
One of questions I come across often in articles about life improvement, success, etc. is "What would you do if you have just 3 (or 6, or 1) months left to live.
I believe this question presumes that I would wake up , like hit by electric current going through me; leave all this trap of everyday life and go somewhere to chase my dream, do something wild.
I don't know though.
At the moment this question doesn't make me feel so alive and awaken. Doesn't scare the hell out of me.
Is it because I am emotionally dead already? Is it because I fell like I have nothing to lose, only fear that I am forever doomed to live with bitter pain of the life stolen from me? Is it because all I have and "own" is pain from the past, and very shy hopes for the future?
Honestly.
I would probably stay where I am.
I would make a sigh of relief because the great liberator and leveller is coming. I would probably finally reach the point where I am not afraid and don't care what other people think of me.
The past, my inadequaces would suddenly lose their leverage over me - there is nothing more to gain in this life, and so nothing more to manipulate me with.
I would probably dream to the wildest in comfort of my isolated cave.
I would really dream - the way I did a long way back, in half-conscious childhood, when the conditioning understanding of reality didn't imprison me yet.
Yes, I would dream without feeling guilty that I seem to have everything (ok, self-development gurus talks aside - enough) to fulfill my dreams but am still stuck in fear.
I would dream with amplifies bitter-sweetness, spiced with again unfair destiny which had already stole from me my child and youth, and now - cut the rest of my life short.
It would hit the nerve. It would make me cry and make me feel alive with pain.
And it would seem so logical. And in some way, fair to me.
Because right now, emotionally and psychologically crippled, hitting my 39 years old in less than two weeks, watching my dreams passing by , I am still haunted by tremendous sense of guilt. Because outwardly I am "ok", more than "ok" - fine, can do anything I want. Inwardly I carry a supermax prison inside myself.
Someone on another thread of SR wrote "The worst injuries are those which are not seen". I agree. Because those who suffer from unseen pain can't even get understanding and compassion, but mostly blame and condemnation. People don't hesitate to tell, "I don't understand. If I were you....".
"No, you don't! And it is not my fault that you don't understand. And you are not me!".
So, back to the main road from detour - what would I do with the time left.
I would dream without fear that I will screw up this perfect dream if I do take an action. And it's better not to dream at all than to be constantly torn apart between nagging pain of not pursuing my goal and fear of executing some half-ar$$ed version of this dream and being totally disappointed, that there is no escape from "reality".
I would give up on my goals with clear conscience. And indulge myself in favorite TV shows, vicariously and guilt-free living breath-taking life of the main characters. It's a fiction? So what! Life itself is nothing but a cruel tale.
I would pig on comforting food.
I would finally shut off all the nosy "normal" people shielding myself with bulletproof protection "I am dying! Ge the hell off me!". And chances are they would finally get lost with lame "Cheer up ! Sun is shining" cliches.
I would keep curtains shut all day long, and would long for heavy and never-ending rain. I would order all the necessities online and avoid leaving home and interaction with other people by any means available.
I would stop reading about my favorite "crazy" people who inspire me - inventors, writers, athletes, entrepreneurs - it's the worst pain to see others achieving their goals through lots of mistakes and not letting fear stop them, and to realized that I had bought all this BS and was to scared to push through.
Sorry, Elon Musk, no following you any more. Too mind-blowing that another human being can dare so much and not be discouraged by spectacular "failures".
I would probably do something out of my bucket list - but I am not sure. What if Murphy's law throws me a zest of life and drive appetite for it just before the show is over? I don't need more pain in regrets.
Of course, it's hard to tell for sure. But that's the way I feel right now.
P.S. The sun is shining and forecast promises great weather for the upcoming week. And I have no idea what to do with this all. I don't enjoy it. It's like constant reproach to me.
Though they say if you are "busy" than things are out of control. Probably. Not having enough faith my my own priorities makes me create business to relieve tension.
My mood has been total roller coaster lately. Lots of depression and crying every day.
One of questions I come across often in articles about life improvement, success, etc. is "What would you do if you have just 3 (or 6, or 1) months left to live.
I believe this question presumes that I would wake up , like hit by electric current going through me; leave all this trap of everyday life and go somewhere to chase my dream, do something wild.
I don't know though.
At the moment this question doesn't make me feel so alive and awaken. Doesn't scare the hell out of me.
Is it because I am emotionally dead already? Is it because I fell like I have nothing to lose, only fear that I am forever doomed to live with bitter pain of the life stolen from me? Is it because all I have and "own" is pain from the past, and very shy hopes for the future?
Honestly.
I would probably stay where I am.
I would make a sigh of relief because the great liberator and leveller is coming. I would probably finally reach the point where I am not afraid and don't care what other people think of me.
The past, my inadequaces would suddenly lose their leverage over me - there is nothing more to gain in this life, and so nothing more to manipulate me with.
I would probably dream to the wildest in comfort of my isolated cave.
I would really dream - the way I did a long way back, in half-conscious childhood, when the conditioning understanding of reality didn't imprison me yet.
Yes, I would dream without feeling guilty that I seem to have everything (ok, self-development gurus talks aside - enough) to fulfill my dreams but am still stuck in fear.
I would dream with amplifies bitter-sweetness, spiced with again unfair destiny which had already stole from me my child and youth, and now - cut the rest of my life short.
It would hit the nerve. It would make me cry and make me feel alive with pain.
And it would seem so logical. And in some way, fair to me.
Because right now, emotionally and psychologically crippled, hitting my 39 years old in less than two weeks, watching my dreams passing by , I am still haunted by tremendous sense of guilt. Because outwardly I am "ok", more than "ok" - fine, can do anything I want. Inwardly I carry a supermax prison inside myself.
Someone on another thread of SR wrote "The worst injuries are those which are not seen". I agree. Because those who suffer from unseen pain can't even get understanding and compassion, but mostly blame and condemnation. People don't hesitate to tell, "I don't understand. If I were you....".
"No, you don't! And it is not my fault that you don't understand. And you are not me!".
So, back to the main road from detour - what would I do with the time left.
I would dream without fear that I will screw up this perfect dream if I do take an action. And it's better not to dream at all than to be constantly torn apart between nagging pain of not pursuing my goal and fear of executing some half-ar$$ed version of this dream and being totally disappointed, that there is no escape from "reality".
I would give up on my goals with clear conscience. And indulge myself in favorite TV shows, vicariously and guilt-free living breath-taking life of the main characters. It's a fiction? So what! Life itself is nothing but a cruel tale.
I would pig on comforting food.
I would finally shut off all the nosy "normal" people shielding myself with bulletproof protection "I am dying! Ge the hell off me!". And chances are they would finally get lost with lame "Cheer up ! Sun is shining" cliches.
I would keep curtains shut all day long, and would long for heavy and never-ending rain. I would order all the necessities online and avoid leaving home and interaction with other people by any means available.
I would stop reading about my favorite "crazy" people who inspire me - inventors, writers, athletes, entrepreneurs - it's the worst pain to see others achieving their goals through lots of mistakes and not letting fear stop them, and to realized that I had bought all this BS and was to scared to push through.
Sorry, Elon Musk, no following you any more. Too mind-blowing that another human being can dare so much and not be discouraged by spectacular "failures".
I would probably do something out of my bucket list - but I am not sure. What if Murphy's law throws me a zest of life and drive appetite for it just before the show is over? I don't need more pain in regrets.
Of course, it's hard to tell for sure. But that's the way I feel right now.
P.S. The sun is shining and forecast promises great weather for the upcoming week. And I have no idea what to do with this all. I don't enjoy it. It's like constant reproach to me.
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
MB, I could have written nearly every single word of your last post. I DO understand. I understand the internal prison and he'll no matter what I look like on the outside. I understand hating sunny days because they are too bright and painful and a total rebuke of my miserable life. I wish I had only three months to live, then this hellish, unending pain would be over.
I know this probably doesn't help but I want you to know that you are most definitely not alone and someone gets it, from the inside.
I wish you peace.
I know this probably doesn't help but I want you to know that you are most definitely not alone and someone gets it, from the inside.
I wish you peace.
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
You're welcome. 
I just got the "get over it, stop living in the past, wave your magic wand" speech from who I hoped would be my new doctor. I wish they could understand the extra pain, shame and guilt they cause when they say that shite! Just stop living in the past. I explained I don't live in the past, my past lives in me every moment of every day. In the way my brain developed, in my DNA and epigenetics. And no amount of wishful thinking will alter it.
I mean would they tell someone with a broken leg to just "get over it"? Stop thinking about it? Just walk on it because really it's not there, you're just harping on it? Of course not. But mental pain, "invisible" pain is fair game.
I'm not trying to hijack your thread, but I knew from reading your posts that you've had these types of experiences too. I don't know what the answers for people like us are. I do know that knowing we're not alone in our pain and experiences helps. And I'm trying to do something I've never been able to do, I'm trying to accept myself as I am--wounded, damaged, failing. Accept my reality as valid and maybe even worthy as any other. I don't really know how but just the concept makes a tiny twig of peace stir within me...
I wish us all peace.
I just got the "get over it, stop living in the past, wave your magic wand" speech from who I hoped would be my new doctor. I wish they could understand the extra pain, shame and guilt they cause when they say that shite! Just stop living in the past. I explained I don't live in the past, my past lives in me every moment of every day. In the way my brain developed, in my DNA and epigenetics. And no amount of wishful thinking will alter it.
I mean would they tell someone with a broken leg to just "get over it"? Stop thinking about it? Just walk on it because really it's not there, you're just harping on it? Of course not. But mental pain, "invisible" pain is fair game.
I'm not trying to hijack your thread, but I knew from reading your posts that you've had these types of experiences too. I don't know what the answers for people like us are. I do know that knowing we're not alone in our pain and experiences helps. And I'm trying to do something I've never been able to do, I'm trying to accept myself as I am--wounded, damaged, failing. Accept my reality as valid and maybe even worthy as any other. I don't really know how but just the concept makes a tiny twig of peace stir within me...
I wish us all peace.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, friends)
I haven't been active on this thread recently - just busy from 5 a.m. till 11 p.m. Which is good, one hand, on the other hand, there is always a question - do I just keep myself busy to escape facing the silence - all kinds of silence.
It's a shame, really that at the end of the day I am too tired to write here - I have so much to say.
Today is a dangerous day in terms of depression - it's my Birthday.
Oh, my thoughts are attacked with all kinds of cliches how it should be, and how it is different from "should be".
The first half, actually, was great. By a lucky strike we've had our local boxing tournament. I didn't compete, but my boxing buddies made me a ring announcer which was fun. Yesterday I even overcame the ordeal of buying a new dress. Yes, you've heard it right. Somehow I shifted from loving shopping to hating it. I can't stand my reflection in the mirror. I want to buy clothes without necessity to look at myself. Is there such an option?
I was so anxious because of that yesterday that almost spoiled the Friday just thinking that I had to shop for a dress - just because I had no one at all to show up at the tournament today.
It wasn't that bad, though I didn't enjoy either. But the lady at the shop was very nice and talked me into trying about 10 dresses till I got the one that looked really good on me.
I'm glad I forced myself to do it - I felt very good today not being ashamed of what I was wearing (which is a pretty common situation for me. I mostly don't care now (sad), but at some moment I realize it and ready to fall through the ground).
Anyway. I am back home and it's where the tough time starts.
I feel emptiness inside. And I am afraid to slip into the worst depression - acute realization how much time was lost in fear and pain. Youth which will never be redeemed. I already feel panic crawling upon me.
I am so out of habit of going out somewhere, spending time with people. So much time spend with the feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy that I don't know how to live the other way.
I don't use alcohol, food or any other substances to numb it any more.
And it's tough now.
But I will cope. I have no choice.
I haven't been active on this thread recently - just busy from 5 a.m. till 11 p.m. Which is good, one hand, on the other hand, there is always a question - do I just keep myself busy to escape facing the silence - all kinds of silence.
It's a shame, really that at the end of the day I am too tired to write here - I have so much to say.
Today is a dangerous day in terms of depression - it's my Birthday.
Oh, my thoughts are attacked with all kinds of cliches how it should be, and how it is different from "should be".
The first half, actually, was great. By a lucky strike we've had our local boxing tournament. I didn't compete, but my boxing buddies made me a ring announcer which was fun. Yesterday I even overcame the ordeal of buying a new dress. Yes, you've heard it right. Somehow I shifted from loving shopping to hating it. I can't stand my reflection in the mirror. I want to buy clothes without necessity to look at myself. Is there such an option?
I was so anxious because of that yesterday that almost spoiled the Friday just thinking that I had to shop for a dress - just because I had no one at all to show up at the tournament today.
It wasn't that bad, though I didn't enjoy either. But the lady at the shop was very nice and talked me into trying about 10 dresses till I got the one that looked really good on me.
I'm glad I forced myself to do it - I felt very good today not being ashamed of what I was wearing (which is a pretty common situation for me. I mostly don't care now (sad), but at some moment I realize it and ready to fall through the ground).
Anyway. I am back home and it's where the tough time starts.
I feel emptiness inside. And I am afraid to slip into the worst depression - acute realization how much time was lost in fear and pain. Youth which will never be redeemed. I already feel panic crawling upon me.
I am so out of habit of going out somewhere, spending time with people. So much time spend with the feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy that I don't know how to live the other way.
I don't use alcohol, food or any other substances to numb it any more.
And it's tough now.
But I will cope. I have no choice.
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
I know how tough birthdays can be. I try to do something different to take my mind off. Like this past one I got some new piercings. But I also had to go to court which really sucked. Mostly I just grit my teeth until they're over.
Its great that you found a way to spend part of the day in a way that made you feel good. Try to hang onto that feeling, remember and even relive it in your mind. Something positive that made you feel good, even for a little while.
Sometimes noticing the little things, tiny moments where the pain relents enough to let something positive or good come through can make a big difference. It's not a cure but a few minutes of freedom.
And maybe for your birthday try to think of just one positive thing about yourself. I'll start you off with two--you're honest and generous. Make it three--and you obviously have a very kind heart. Maybe you can give a little of that to yourself.
I wish you blessings and ease on this day.
Its great that you found a way to spend part of the day in a way that made you feel good. Try to hang onto that feeling, remember and even relive it in your mind. Something positive that made you feel good, even for a little while.
Sometimes noticing the little things, tiny moments where the pain relents enough to let something positive or good come through can make a big difference. It's not a cure but a few minutes of freedom.
And maybe for your birthday try to think of just one positive thing about yourself. I'll start you off with two--you're honest and generous. Make it three--and you obviously have a very kind heart. Maybe you can give a little of that to yourself.
I wish you blessings and ease on this day.
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