So I attacked my ex with a knife last night. (BPD)
 

Okay, first of all, I have severe, untreated borderline personality disorder, which is why my fiance left me in the first place. I'm really unpredictable, so I can go from fine, to psychotic rages in an instant. I don't even know if I am actually in control of my actions or not.

I'm finding it really difficult to live with my ex, but I have nowhere else to go. He's a really nice guy and he proposed to me 6 months after meeting me. Last night he brought me a coffee and we started talking, but then things went downhill fast. We ended up fighting, and I had my knife in my pocket, so I pulled it on him. I kept on demanding he call the cops, but he put my mom on speakerphone instead. I kept telling her to **** off, shut the **** up, I wish I was never born because I'm ****** in the head etc. He ended up disarming me and I started crying, telling him he abandoned me. Then I calmed down and went to bed, while the ex went to stay at his mom's place for who knows how long.

I've had this kind of crushing depressed feeling all day. I'm alone in this empty apartment. I just want him to come home, and for things to be back to the way they were before we broke up. I don't know why I have to destroy my relationships with everyone.

I'm also secretly having sex with one of my male friends just for some kind of feeling of affection. It's completely meaningless, and a lot of hard drug use, but if I'm depressed or bored, I get really self-destructive and suicidal. I mixed benzos, alcohol and cocaine last week, and I ended up passing out on my other friend's balcony.

I was in and out of mental hospitals pretty much all year, and every time the cops come over to pick me up, I end up fighting them. I punched a cop in the face last year, threatened to cut all their faces off, had my knives confiscated etc.

I asked my current psychiatrist for a referral to someone who actually knows what they're doing, but she said to give her a month. I told her I wanted a male therapist this time because I thought all her **** was lame and I wanted a more no-bull**** approach.

Anyone else ever get this bad?

Dunkel, you need to get help with the addictions. A lot falls into place with sobriety. BPD is tricky enough without the alcohol. Also, give the psychiatrist some time to work with you. It might be better that you stay with a woman doctor for now.

Love from Lenina

My doctor's leaving next month. She hasn't really been giving me any advice during our sessions because I just end up rambling on about all the crazy stuff I did that month.

I have mental health issues as well and let me tell u it's exhausting trying to distinguish if it's ur addictions or mental health causing the issues but as u well no having an addiction on top of ur mental health issues makes them worsen. U need to stop. And as far as relationships go my saying is "no one can love u until u love yourself" n it's true. When I date someone I get crazy doubts like when they compliment me I don't believe them or I think they have ulterior motives, I get jealous bc I don't think I'm good enough n I start all the problems but I can't help I feel that way bc I don't believe I'm good enough so until I do I stay away from relationships and I work on the relationship I have with me. It's taking me awhile but I no once I reach that place I want to be I'll feel more confident and comfortable being in a relationship.

I'm actually pretty much clean at this point. I just drink at parties and bars with friends now. Nothing really goes down when I'm just drinking with friends. I passed out once, but I just misjudged my tolerance level at the party after nearly a month of abstinence. I won't do that again.

I actually got an A++ on a molecular biology test recently, so I feel lucky that my brain cells have not apoptized to a degree where I can't function as a scientist. All the years of drinking and I'm still an A student. Kind of weird considering how many years I've been drinking. It's just so hard to quit because I have severe anger issues. I feel that no matter what I accomplish academically, I'll end up in prison. It's so messed.

Dunkel, I agree with the others on dropping all substances to help with your mental issues. My mom and my sister had pretty extreme mental issues and I have seen that adding substances will negate any work a therapist or psychiatrist does.

I know you say you're only drinking when going out, but there was the mixing of benzos, coke and booze. I had done that in my drinking days a handful of times and it took me weeks to feel normal again. Try abstaining and if this therapist is leaving, work with her until you get your new one?

Okay, so this is just an effect of what I did last week. That's really good to know. I was the designated driver on Friday, so I only had 1 beer. My friend I was supposed to go out with drinking tonight ditched me, so I don't really feel like talking to her ever again. I can't deal with people ditching me at the last minute.

If you have mental health issues its not just what happens right after you use, the substances continue to impact your mental state even after your blood alcohol content returns to normal. I know this myself, I feel really down the day or even two days after drinking. It's imperative you completely eliminate alcohol from your diet to help your mental state!

Have you tried exercise?

I had a raging temper for many years after I sobered up and I can't tell you how much it helped me to join a hardcore gym and lifting weights!

It's one of natures best medicine for relieving and even preventing physical as well as mental health problems.

All that rage and anger I had was much lessened after a good, strong weightlifting session.

Or doing cardio on one day and weights on another is also very beneficial for clearing your mind and washing that rage and anger right out of your system.

It's one of the reasons why so many people are addicted to the gym! If they didn't work out they'd feel like killing someone or would be angry and depressed all the time!

Dear Dunk: To focus on yourself first, please do not hang out with, much less sleep with, anyone who would take advantage of your state of mind, your drug use, etc. Anyone who has your best interests in mind would not get you in more trouble, or get you more confused.

First step is to commit to connect only with positive people who support you in reinforcing your good side, not your bad side. Please stay away from anyone who benefits from your bad side. Those are not your friends, so certainly they should not be lovers or anything else.

This will be too confusing if you add any people to your life who are not on the up and up. They will drag you down further. Please stick to people who make you feel better, normal, more encouraged and able to move forward. And it will get easier as you go!

You are right to get rid of anyone who is making you feel worse.
Good for you for taking that step, and seeking the right support.
More and more will come the more you commit to the right steps
and to quit things that you know are going in the wrong direction from where you really want to be. Keep asking for the right help, it will come.

Glad you at least know when you have problems.
Some people don't even know that much, so you have an advantage.
Only work with people willing to work with you on taking positive steps.

Go for it, more power to you!
Hugs from Houston,
Yours truly, Emily

I got rid of alcohol for health reasons. I started experiencing some major problems, so hopefully my symptoms clear up as healing progresses. I've only been drinking chronically for 11 months, but I did a lot of damage during that time. I agree though, substance abuse made things a lot worse for me.

Hey Emily, thanks for the words of encouragement and for taking the time to reply. I'm feeling a lot better now that I've been sober for a little bit. Still, I got arrested a couple of weeks ago for injuring my ex badly one day, and I ended up trashing my new apartment, so things could be going more smoothly. It also seemed like a good idea at the time to carve "**** ALL LIFE" in huge block letters on the wall. I guess the apartment represents my feelings of inner turmoil and desperation if you want to look at it as art instead of reckless property damage.

I really just need to generally chill out and stop being so impulsive all the time. Easier said than done. Everything I do seems like a good idea in the moment, but then I end up alone, unemployed, sitting around in a trashed apartment.

-Selene