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Please help. I'm in the throws of a bipolar episode and I'm scared!



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Please help. I'm in the throws of a bipolar episode and I'm scared!

Old 09-01-2004, 01:47 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Red face Back From Hospital

This must be short because feeling bad, but thanks all around.

I completely lost it the day I last posted here. I began crying uncontrollably at my desk (middle of newsroom) out of frustration, exahustion, confusion, feeling helpless and completely overwhelmed and my "Angel" (and my mom) took me to a crisis intervention center. I stayed 5 days (don't remember much of the first 3 though) and they got me on meds and then changed them a little on Monday and sent me home today.

Few will ever understand that these 5 days in the pysch ward were like a vacation on the beach to me. To me it felt like a full-service spa/lavish hotel. Being able to just "check-out" completely and not HAVE to think was near heaven. And since I've been having a hard time functioning, it was the most devine thing to have food to eat 3 times a day (plus snacks) and someone else to let me know when to take my meds and to wash my clothes.

————okay, I had a mood switch here and am alert again. These meds have me flip flopping about 10 times a day now!

(They have me on Depacote, Effexor and Visteril)

I also discovered something that really through me for a big loup! I have been having anxiety attacks for years and didn't even know it. See, I have been an asthmatic since childhood — which has always sent me to the emergency room every few years since I can remember. Well somehow I got addicted to cigs about 7 years ago (hummmmm? interesting) and the past several years I have smoked 1-2 packs a day. STUPID, I KNOW - VERY STUPID! Sooo, when I gradually started having more troubles with labored breathing, I started using my rescue inhalor more. In the hospital they monitored my inhalor and only let me use it 2 puffs every 6 hours. Well I can't stand to not be able to breath and asked the nurse,"Do you expect me to just suffer?" She told me to go stick my head in a hot shower - which brings back tramadic memories of my mom doing that when I was little and it ALWAYS made it worse - always. So I argued with the nurse and she told me that I was simply having an anxiety attack and gave me Visteril. I just knew it wouldn't do anything because after all I'm the one who has dealth with this for 28 years. Boy did I show her! The next day I (very sweetly and politely) walked up to her station and apologized over and over for my behavior. Her little anxiety pill worked! My breathing had became normal almost immediately without my inhalor. She simply smiled and said she completely understood. I'm still having problems knowing when I'm having an anxiety attack and when it's an asthma attack, but at least I'm not overdosing on albuteral anymore. Now I know that if it's not working, then it's most likely an anxiety attack. Wow! And I feel so relaxed and calm too!!!!!

QUESTION? I had thought anxiety attacks were something completely different (I thought I was having an anxiety attack only when I would have the racing thoughts). Guess I was wrong because the Viceril has done wonders for me. I'm just praying to God that they aren't addictive in anyway, because I already feel myself wanting one every 6 hours (as prescribed if needed), but is this because the drug is habit forming or because I'm finaly experiencing some relief from this for the first time?

The hospital stay helped me come more to terms with my illness also. I met several other bipolars who helped me connect a lot of dots. I received info in group sessions too that helped.

Trazadone: I wish I could take it because I'm still having sleeping problems Obviously. They gave me one Monday night and it knocked me out cold. I slept 8 hours straight through which was wonderful, but the next morning I had the worst hang over of my life - something like that anyway. So the Pdoc said he didn't want me to take it any more. They did have my on Remeron too which was also helping me sleep, but was giving me a HUGE appetite so the doc put me back on Effexor.

Emmanuel - I will keep what you said in mind and when I find a Pdoc to see locally I will ask him about your concerns.

My friend and co-workers have been figuring out the short-term disability stuff for me so that I can take my time to get use to the meds and see how they will work for me, etc. I am also going to look into social security benefits. I don't think I can get on long-term disability because I don't think I was paying any premiums for that, but I'm not sure. Work has been understanding, but it's scary because it shows how easily I can be replaced (they called in a local free lance photographer who use to work here).

Question #2: I don't know what to do about the job/income situation? Is there anything else out there besides social security that I can look into? And , this is where I'm confused because I love being a photojournalist (It's what I went to college for and have been working to build my career in) but if I'm not employed by the paper, then there goes my access to a great camera, press credentials for access to things and regular publication both locally and nationally! Do I give that all up in favor of my health? I also have goals for where my career was heading. Are those smashed now? Do I have to give up on my dream to travel the world for Time or National Geographic?

I do have two abstract photography business ventures in the works that I would love to have more time to do, but without a good camera - well it would suck. And I don't really even have a computer to do it with, although I have a friend who does (hummmm).

And how do bipolars ever commit themselves to ANY obligations what so ever? I don't even know from minute to minute if I'm going to be half comatose or bouncing off the walls - so how can I know if I will be able to function on any given day?

And how do you find a job where you don't HAVE to be on time and you don't HAVE to even show up if you feel bad or are unable to function????

When I'm slightly manic like I am now, I have so many questions and thoughts and plans and to do lists running through my head that it's kinda hard to focus, but kinda fun cause I never know what possible revelations I may have. The weird thing about the manias that I've been experiencing the last two days (with very fast turn arounds back to the depression) is that my head is going, but my body still feels like it's in very low gear. I'm guessing this is what's called a mixed state. Very weird to switch so fast, so many times a day. All it takes is a minute or so and then **BOOM**, opposite place from where I was! It use to switch slowly over several hours. Many times I didn't even realize my mood was changing because it was so gradual. Not this!

Problems:

• I've had a severe migrain for 4 days non-stop. Tylenol only works for an hour or so and then back to the pain liveweyerd was talking about. Decapitation sounds pretty good right now.

• Another problem is with my tongue. It started swelling yesterday and I forgot to tell my Pdoc. It is also sore (very similar swelling and muscel soreness to when I've had my tongue peirced a couple of times). I called the pharmasy and they said there's no drug interactions with the meds I'm on. I don't know about this one.

• And I still am having difficulties driving, communicating or thinking effectively. It worst during a depressive, but still there during a manic.


Sorry for the long reading, but I felt I had to get some of these thoughts down and it's so much easier for me to type then to go home and write it all down with pen and paper.

I know my HP has a plan for me and I just have to follow his lead and he will reveal my path to me, but doesn't he realize how impatient I am? I'd like to know. And he's also given me the ability to do anything I put my mind to (except math) so I know I will be okay, but I'm scared there is a dramatic change in store for my life.

God Bless,
Jenna

P.S. Any home based (fairly simple) business ideas or thoughts THAT REALLY WORK would be greatly appreciated. As would any information on income assistance programs such as Social Security which is the only one I know of.

Live: Is short-term disability the same as medical leave?
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Old 09-15-2004, 06:53 PM
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Well I found out that short-term disability isn't really the same as medical leave (which basically just guarentees that I won't loose my job over this). But I just wanted to write in here as an update.

I'm still depressed and lethargic, very lethargic. But I'm alive. I see my general doc again Friday which he said by then I should be feeling better, which I am a little better than when I was in his office last (meaning I can form words and thoughts better), but I'm still having a hard time functioning. I can't wait to get some physical and mental energy back. I'm so drained and it feels like I'm never going to get out of this pit of dispair. I haven't even had the energy to keep up with my Al-anon recovery which is very important to me. I went to a meeting the day I got out of the hospital and haven't been to one since. I forget about them...remember only late at night or an hour or two after the meeting has ended. I think I will call an Alanon friend and have her call and remind me about them on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Anyway, I've pretty much just turned my brain off from almost everything except existing...that's all I have the energy to do.

I've been off work for a month and it just kills me that I've been off that long and don't have a single project completed. With this much time off, I would have normally had a bunch of projects finished, but this time...well, nothing at all. Instead of feel good for accomplishing some things I feel quilty for not doing anything at all and feeling lazy since all I really do is sleep and watch t.v.

Severe depression is such a nightmare. I will be glad when it is over. I just wish I knew when that would be.

God Bless,
Jenna
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Old 10-04-2004, 10:08 PM
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My general doc is sending me back to work on Oct 11. No real reason one way or the other. He admitted that he doesn't know what else to do and needs help from someone else to make me well again. My first real phychiatrist apt is set for Oct. 14, I think. Just 3 days after I start back to work.

Nervious about starting back to work at full throttle. I still am struggling to care for my own hygiene. Today was the first time in a week I've even changed clothes. So yeah, I'm scared, but I know I can force myself to do a lot more than I've been doing...just not sure if that will be good enough.

I'm also looking forward to going back because I miss the work and many of the people. Just worried. I have too many worries about too many things.

But I've been being a good girl. I've been taking my meds, seeing my general doc every 2 weeks to keep up with lab work and everything, seeing a phychologist once a week, and I've been reading more books than I ever have and they are all centered around my recovery from codependency and mental illness and learning even more online. So I almost feel like I'm working a full-time job right now. Just thoughts...don't know what to do with them...just thoughts.
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Old 10-11-2004, 12:45 PM
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I am so glad to know someone else who wears the same clothes for a week! I mean
FOR REAL!!!

I, too, felt I was working full time just to try to struggle with my illness. It takes all I have some times to just keep from drowning.

I hear you, girlfriend!
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Old 10-11-2004, 05:10 PM
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Thanks live. I'm feeling lost today. My work day is over and I stopped in here for a moment. I laughed really hard today! My girlfriends here at work are some of the most wonderful friends and co-workers I've ever had. I love how much it makes me smile to just be around them...but, there is still something missing. I've lost something that hasn't come back yet and I can already feel the stress mounting again.

I'm usually such a driven person - a get up and go-get what I want. Although now, I know what I should be doing and wanting to do and I keep getting thoughts about being back on my "original" path, but I just don't have the drive or energy to act on any of it. Staying locked up in my house for a week or two at a time was a sad and lonely existence. I absolutely hated to run out of cigerettes and have to get dressed and find shoes and purse and go to the store and then have to get gas too. All while, OF COURSE, the clerk had to be a butt head aboutnot having my lisence with me.

Anyway, the other photog came in and I'm on his computer.

I'll talk to ya later,
Jenna
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Old 10-14-2004, 08:49 PM
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I'm frightened and overwhelmed. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm losing my grasp on my career and what I've worked so hard for. This week has been Hell being back at work. My boss is treating me like a child. He's watching me like a hawk and having me stick to a strick schedual and then jumping me everytime I vear from it even if accidentally. I'm use to having near-full control over my work days. It's a low paying profession, but the flexible schedule and the enjoyment I get from my work has been worth it. By now that's all changed. the last 2 days he's called me in his office 4-5 times a day to jump onto me. The last one was tonight. He told me I couldn't work today because I had been crying after he jumped me this morning as soon as I got there this morning. I had my first phychiatrists apt. today and after that he told me to go home. I asked if I could stay to finish up some last minute contest entries that are already 3 weeks late and he said yes.

I ended up going to dinner with the girls and then got right to work on the entries. He came back to the office (he lives there) and jumped all over me for still being there. This doesn't make since. He's looking for a way to fire me. And the parent company we all work for is a large one and with all the crap he's putting in my record - I will never be able to transfer to another paper.

Everyone at work (my friends) keep giving me advice that THEY think will help. I'm so tired of all the advice. They just don't understand and I can't verbally explain it all well enough to them.

My biggest problem is getting up and to work by 10 a.m. - even with on a full 8 hours of sleep. I've been a night owl as long as I can remember and my body just doesn't function that early. Before going into the hospital and telling them all what my diagnosis was - I was always working an evening shift (starting at 1p.m. or 2 p.m. - with only an occational early assignment here and there). Now all the sudden, my boss wants me in the office from 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. On day 2, I was sleepy and signed out to go on a coffee run (which was what I wanted instead of lunch) and he freaked out that I had left the office without telling him. And I knew he would, but he had someone in his office so I told the girls where I was going and (like I said) I signed out. As reporters and photogs - we come and go all day every day and that's a normal thing. Plus, everyone gets a lunch break, but he was acting like I wasn't allowed to have one.

Another problem is that when I came back on Monday, he and I agreed I would start out with a light and stressless load that consisted of doing news-clerk work (since we have yet to re-fill that position) and my regular photog work - and that I wouldn't do any reporting/writing for a while. I agreed that the writing was the most stressful part of my job and by me doing all the typing needed then the other reporters would have more time to do their actual jobs. Everyone liked this too. But yet on the first day he gave me a story assignment on top of all the typing. Then on the third day he gave me another story assignment. I have also been going throught the more that 100 e-mails each day received to the news-room and dissiminating them to the appropriate reporter or editor or by me simply putting the information/press releases into the system and cleaning them up for print. AND I was scanning the photos to go with all the press releases and wedding/engagement/anniversary/birth announcements. THEN another editor told me that I was going to lay out a weekly section front. I've only done lay-out once and I don't know enought about Quark. When I told the other reporters and my top two editors, they hadn't known that she was telling me this. The reporters (one of which use to lay out her own pages and the other who has been having to fill in by doing wire pages) said they would feel uncomfortable doing this weekly cover page!

So before I went into the hospital for a mental illness, I had two job titles (reporter/photographer). Upon returning to work from medical leave and during the first week back....I am being asked to carry 4 job titles - reporter, photographer, editor and news-clerk!

SO MUCH FOR EASING ME BACK INTO THE WORK FLOW!!!

This is why I think they are trying to find a way to fire me. Because, upon returning back to work I have to be able to work at 100 percent capacity (which is completely subjective in this field and especially at this paper!) so by making all these changes and mandating different things to me so I never know which way I'm headed and then getting btchd out for it....well, I don't think anyone could handle it!

I was so nieve to think that I would be treated the same when I came back to work. Some of my closest friends/co-workers are, but for the most part I am being treated very differently and I'm becoming very irritated at my boss and the whole situation. He even told me that if I got the flu and had to call in sick for one day that I would be written up for it!!!! I'VE ONLY CALLED IN SICK 2 TIMES IN THE LAST NEARLY 3 YEARS I'VE BEEN THERE AND THIS IS HOW I GET TREATED!

I'M MAD. SO MAD THAT I BET NONE OF THIS MAKES SINCE. I JUST HAD TO GET IT ALL OUT AND WRITTEN SO THAT I CAN LET SOME OF THIS ANGER GO FOR TONIGHT. AND THEN TOMORROW I'M GOING TO STARTING LEARNING ABOUT THE RIGHTS AND LAWS GOVERNING PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES IN THE WORKPLACE!

I MEAN COME ON, I'VE WON MORE THAN 20 AWARDS IN THE LAST TWO YEARS FOR THE WRITTING AND PHOTOGRAPHY I'VE DONE AT THIS PAPER AND THEY ACT LIKE I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE TYPING IN PRESS RELEASES AND SCHOOL MENUS UNLESS I'M BEING WATCHED OVER!

I MUST GO FOR NOW BEFORE I THROW THIS KEYBOARD INTO THE WALL OR SOMETHING STUPID. I WILL TRY TO WRITE MORE LATTER WHEN I AM CALMER.

THANKS FOR LISTENING AND FOR ME JUST HAVING A PLACE TO VENT.

GOD BLESS ME (PLEASE),
JENNA
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Old 10-14-2004, 09:29 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I think stepping away for a few is a good idea.

Hopefully when you see this you will be in a better frame of mind.

I don't have any direct advice for your situation, but I just wanted to tell you that I'll be thinking of you.

I was in a similar position a few years ago. I took a couple weeks off to recharge my batteries because I was burning out and my health took a severe dip. When I got back I thought it would be different....but it just got worse. I hung in there another 9 months before my doctor told me that I needed to quit. (It was a high stress level position and it wasn't going to change) I am still friends with everyone at the firm, but it ran its course.

I'm not advocating you to quit, but you might want to take a hard look at where you are and see if you might be better off somewhere else that might be more accomodating.

-pedagogue
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Old 10-21-2004, 08:17 PM
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Thanks, I am keeping all options open right now and if I'm not better in 6 weeks, I won't have a job anyway (a disability/company policy thing).

This week has been better. When I saw my pychiatrist Thursday, he filled out some paper work for me to only work 1/2 time unil I see him again (2 weeks from that apt.).

While I am still struggling, the 4 hours is less stressful and my boss is tempararily backing off a bit. I had to be 2 hours late yesterday because I ended up in the emergency room with a severe asthma attack, but he was okay with that (previously, he had said that any absense or lateness would go in my record). And today, I had a photo assignment that I was also 2 hours late to, but since it was an all day thing and I got everything I was suppose to (plus some), he didn't give me any trouble at all, that I know of yet anyway. He seems to be in a better mood this week. He's just letting me do my job and pretty much staying out of my way (and everyone else's too), which is more effective and effieciant all the way around (not just for me, but also for the whole newsroom).

My therapist suggested Monday that I get an assesment from a day-treatment center because he thinks I need more help than he can give me in one hour each week - which I totally agree. The treatment center evaluated me and agrees that I need intensive treatment. I haven't told my boss yet. The center told me to call and let them know when I can start. I'm know I need it, but I'm nervious about it all. I will have to drive nearly an hour one-way each day and be there by 9 a.m. and stay till 3:30. My boss has me working day shift so that's one obsticle.

In short these things are what I'm worried about:

1. the daily drive (not to mention the cost of gas)
2. my boss's reaction
3. Will my boss let me work my 4 hour shifts in the evening?
4. Will I be able to do both the treatment and still work or will it be too much for me?
5. The paper work
6. A MAJOR ONE - being able to get myself up around 7 a.m. every day to be able to leave by 8 a.m. to get there on time - or being able to make it every day period!
7. I have to get them a copy of my insurance card - which the last hospital lost my card.
8. The shear cost of treatment which will at least last for 2 weeks and no telling how much longer. My insurance will only pay 80 percent of the cost (if it is even covered that is) and I already owe thousands of dollars in medical bills and student loans that I'm defaulting on.
9. Loosing access to my digital camera again (since it is my reprieve from stress and brings the only real joy to my life right now) since it belongs to the paper
10. The shear commitment of it all - since I'm struggling to keep up with any commitments
11. Fears that it won't help me much

I know I just have to bite the bullet and tell my boss tomorrow and probably start treatment next week some time - I just really don't think I will be able to make it there by 9 a.m., or even 10 a.m., each day.

But I guess, all I can do is pray and do my best,

Thanks for even caring to read all this mumbling,
Jenna
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Old 10-21-2004, 08:44 PM
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all I can do is send you warm thoughts and a few prayers. I haven't been replying in this thread because I haven't had anything intelligent to say.

I just want you to know that I've been reading and hearing what you've said.
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Old 10-21-2004, 09:30 PM
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Thanks Moot, I've just been feeling unwanted and unloved and unliked lately. I have people in my life everyday, but I still feel alone and empty because so few people understand. Neither one of my 2 best friends have any clue (writing through tears now, sorry). One tells me to follow this diet/excersice/Bible "to do" list for 27 days and to get off my meds and I will be fine. The other one just keeps trying to give advice, but she's such a healthy minded person that she can't grasp things like.... when I tell her why I was 2 hours late to work and got yelled at that setting 2 alarm clocks doesn't help me. That's her advice is to set 2 alarm clocks. Tried that and it didn't work. Then everyone's advice is to have people call me. Oh, they call sometimes all right, but it still doesn't work fully. I may not be 2 hours late, but an hour is still late. And then I feel very guilty for depending on anyone to call me. And then when they realize that it didn't really help me get to work on time, then they feel discouraged. It's a never ending cycle with every problem I'm having like that.

Although, I do feel like ANY advice is better than no advice. I know my friend cares when she listens to me ramble for hours and my other friend takes the time to read my long e-mails and reply with his "to do" lists.

I guess I'm just having another pity party for myself - not well attended, but I tend to throw a lot of them. (If this isn't negative thinking, I don't know what is...but I was just thinking, "In fact, even my 2 attempts in my life to throw real parties were busts. None of my friends showed up and I had a kitchen full of liqure and food. One of the times, my room-mate had some friends over the next day and she asked if they could enjoy the things I had bought for the night before and she ended up having a very successful party. I think *I'm a loser, but at least I can admit it*). Yep, I guess I really do have a problem with negative thinking. :crazy:

Oh well, that's just one more thing to add to my recovery list.
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Old 10-21-2004, 09:36 PM
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Sometimes, I feel like things are getting better for me, but then I end up like this with more suicidal thoughts. I never realized how much I thought about it until lately. I don't think I could ever go through with it, because I don't want to hurt anyone. My family's dealth with enough already and I fear God's punishment for that, but I do often just wish I could somehow melt away.

Just thoughts. Stupid, stupid thoughts.
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Old 10-21-2004, 09:56 PM
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Hi,

After I returned to work following my leave, yes everyone was different to me. It did not work out.
I still didn't learn, at my last job I thought professional people would read Time and read all the new research about depression and its physical origins.
I have decided now that I will keep these things private and only expose them in safe and appropriate places because the backlash is too damaging.
Altho' I totally understand that you had no choice at your current workplace.

I let and caused myself to become a total wreck with anxiety over the last month. All that pressure to get off that abuser's drug.
I have accepted the depression and the need for the meds long term. But not the anxiety and xanax.
So I was in total non-functioning hell. Today I got a refill. One pill and 20 minutes and voila..I am fine again and back to myself. When I quit taking them, Paulie said I was listening to my disease and she was right. I preferred to consider myself addicted because that is within my control, I could stop.
Well. I can stop. And I get too sick to think straight. Obsess. Obsess. Obsess. Fear. Fear. Fear. Obsess some more.
Nobody needs to kick my ass...I did it myself!
It's my opinion that the well is poisoned at the current paper. I don't think that's cynical or negative. Prejudice is a real thing. And it is harmful. You talent speaks for itself. Your awards. There are other papers, magazines, self-employment opportunities.
Take care of yourself first!
hugs,
live
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Old 10-21-2004, 10:44 PM
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Tena, I've fixing to go home because i have to get some dinner, take my meds and go to sleep so I can try to be at work by 10 a.m., but I've really missed talking to you. I feel comforted by just seeing your screen name. I will write you more later. Hope you stay feeling better now that you're back on your meds.

Lov,
Jen
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Old 10-22-2004, 09:31 AM
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Jenna,

Pity party? I don't see it as a pity party! You are feeling down, for some very real reasons. You come in and post, or you write some emails, asking for help. For, as I said, some very real issues! You are on your feet trying to make things better for yourself. You are not sitting on the pity pot!

Tena,

Yaaaaaaaay re the meds!

I will keep these things private and only expose them in safe and appropriate places because the backlash is too damaging
Yep, me too!
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Old 10-26-2004, 08:43 PM
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I really didn't understand why I needed to keep things private about my mental illness. I've never been one to hide any of my thoughts, feelings, emotions or struggles. "I'm an open book," I always say. In fact, I find it very difficult NOT to explain to people why I am the way I am and that I am working on correcting it.

But my boss is the perfect example of why not to tell everything about our private lives. Even though my co-workers and bosses are like the best family I've ever had...there's one big difference - My boss has the power to send me to the unimployment line if it suits him! Since returning to work, I have realized his bias of mental illness. He said his brother was bipolar and I just now realized that he probably didn't have a very good relationship with his brother (from things I've been told) and he is equating my illness with his dislike or estringement with his brother. WOW...I'm going to have to check more into that idea b/c he's on the war path with me. Nearly every day, he makes me feel as though I am purposely acting in opposition to him and scolds me like my father use to. It makes me feel so degraded. He thinks, much like my sister, in that I am making bad choices or decisions and that is what my problem is. For example: when I'm late like I was today by 30 minutes and arriving at 10:30 a.m., he quizzes me every time about WHY (which I've tried to explain time and time again)? And asks, "What time did you go to bed?" (which before bp, I had the freedom to come to work anytime btwn 9 a.m. and 2 p.m.). Which first of all, I just realized is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS, And secondly, he thinks that if I was being responsible and went to bed before midnight then I would have no problem being at work on time! He doesn't understand that having trouble waking up is part of this disease and he is castrating me about the time issue just because he can! Last night I went to bed at midnight and woke up at 10:15 a.m. with my alarm in my hand, laying on my pillow and turned off. It is as if I'm sleep walking when I do this stuff, b/c I wake up completely unaware of what I've done and well - what a way to start a day! Luckily I had fallen asleep in my clothes so I jumped in my shoes and then into my car and called him on the way to tell him I was headed there.

Anyway, needless to say, I wish I would have never told him anything even though it's hard with him b/c he acts like he has a right to know everything and my self-esteem is so low that I usually don't realize he's violating my privacy until after I've answered his questions.

Another example is that when I was going through the hiring process he asked if I was married and did I have any kids. I'm not and I don't. But later realized that if I had been a wife or a mother, he probably wouldnt' have hired me since he never hires anyone who's married or has kids (that I'm aware of). And anyway that is a discriminatory question and I didn't realize it was against the law for him to ask those type of questions until recently.

____

I start the intensive, day treatment program Monday, so I'm hoping for some relief of some kind. It's going to cost me $1,000 - $2,000 or more depending on how long I have to go, but it's something I have to do. It's going to be very hard though on many fronts, but I'm sure I can make it - I have to.

Well, thanks guess for all your thoughts and kind words and vibes and prayers and anything and everything you can and have sent my way.

Jen
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Old 10-26-2004, 10:34 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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OMG that's ridiculous! But if it helps, it helps.

My sponsor is bipolar and in a horrible work situation. Her coworkers are in everybody's business and she's near meltdown. I email with her all day to help her deal with an atrocious work situation.

Needless to say, she isn't telling anyone she's bipolar because of the prejudice she feels would occur in that workplace (I agree with her).

So while I'm an open book, I can see why some ppl have to be more closed.

I saw your post about disability and problems in the workplace cuz you might have to take boss to court.... its scary that you are in that position!
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Old 10-29-2004, 09:10 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Ann great to see you dear friend!!

Jenna, I too have written compulsively since I was about 13. I have had to explain thoroughly to my boyfriend that my first and natural language is the written word. It is how I express myself best. If he waited to hear my feeling spoken from my mouth, it would never happen.
I, too, worry about overwhelming others with my volumes and volumes of thoughts and feelings...
My boyfriend usually has more than a dozen emails to wade through every morning. But after he understood that it is my language he became very encouraging. And he gets to know me better than the whole year we were together. He is a talker, so I would just let him do the talking. He would ask me questions, but I freeze up. Oh, I can chatter....office gossip etc....but not talk real things. I think the only person I can talk to is my daughter. and that is because I raised her and we are much alike, on the same wavelength.

And we all learn from what you write. I learn about myself. How wonderful to share ideas! Two heads are better than one. And we all help each other in gaining perspective.

Hey, for example...last night I watched Paul Simon's Graceland concert....I then stayed up until 4 in the morning writing about social conscience and bigotry etc etc etc. A passionate and intelligent piece, and no one has a clue these things are in me.
I sent it to Danny (bf) because I do need one confidante. And he is so tolerant and loving to me about my strange quirks. I don't know why but he must really love me because he has been incredibly tolerant and patient waiting for me to trust him and love him back. And I stubbornly had no intention of either. And was vocal about it, I enjoyed his companionship...he was willing to do the driving for my weekend trips and put up with my eccentricities....driving in complete silence because the radio etc gets on my nerves....and when I do put in a cd I am an absolute control junkie....he would listen to everything from Metallica LOUD to bluegrass. I only showed up to see him when I felt like it. On Thursdays I would give him my itinerary...I want you to drive us to Vero Beach because I want to eat at the Patio and go to the art fest.
I had planned and told him, the day will come when my project is finished and I will leave here..this is for enjoyment now and only for as long as it lasts. I will leave.
It wasn't until I was over here that he did something so powerful to my thinking that I fell in love with him. Then I wrote him and said I changed my mind I was going to keep him.

See. I didn't know I was going to write about my boyfriend. Wasn't planning on it. But my fingers just tap out the free flow thoughts. And feelings. Feelings are so hard for me.

I HATE your work situation and would like to give your boss a serious wedgie.

I want to know how your therapy is going...and with me, feel free to write 20 pages. It's all good.

LOVE and hugs,
tena
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Old 10-30-2004, 09:52 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Tena,

The psychologist I've been seeing sucks! I'm seriously depressed right now and feeling very lonely and unlovable. Everything is getting worse. Thoughts of suicide come into my head everyday, several times a day now. Sometimes everything just feels like too much for me to handle. I'm scared of my own thoughts. I'm scared of never being healthy again. I hate how hard I'm struggling b/c I don't deserve this and I am doing everything I can to try and fix myself.

I was reading a book on bipolar a couple days ago and finally was able to put a name on one of my illnesses that I have known I've struggled with since the 5th grade. I've kept it hidden b/c of my own shame and not understanding it. I'm 28 now and only until the last 3 months, there was only one person who knew about it (my ex-fiance who lived w/ me for several years).

It is called SIB or self-injurious behavior. It's self-mutilation by scratching and such. Very much like cutting which is also SIB. It is a stress relieving and anxiety induced act that I have never been able to stop myself from.

I'm making myself crazy in thinking about how crazy I am. I'm ashamed to even leave my home right now, most of the time. I don't know how to handle all this mental health crap and so much loneliness from the loss of my love, Brett, (and my dreams of a fairy tale future with him). I know it could never be a happy situation for me to ever be in again with him, but when I was with him, I felt truely loved for the first time in my entire life. I built up so many ideas and fantasies and loved him so deeply; and then I had to push him out of my life and I am still struggling to keep him at a distance during this weakest time in my life. I'm grieving the loss of him. I've also been remembering the good things about my ex-fiance too. And now a year later, I've realized how much I hurt him and how much of our problems I blamed on him - when often I was to blame. AND there is this guy who had claimed me as his best friend since we met in January. Now he will barely even say 2 words to me in an e-mail or if I pass him somewhere in my day. We use to talk for hours. We use to go out and eat and watch movies and just hang out all the time. It was the perfect kind of friendship for me b/c we felt comfortable enough with each other to cuddle up on the couch for a movie, but neither of us wanted anything more. See I'm not a huggy/touchy/feely kinda person with my family and friends, even my parents or my sister. For example, one of my co-workers and sweetest friends walked up behind me the other day and gave me a shoulder massage. Instead of relaxing me, it made me very, very tense. My shoulder muscles were actually sore from this quick and friendly touch. The only time I feel comfort in a hug or a caring touch of any kind is if it is with a guy who I know well. In the past, those people have always and only been my boyfriend or a boy I wanted to be my boyfriend. This was the first time I felt comfortable enough to hug a man who I was not looking to date and vice versa. I don't understand why he is acting as he is now. I miss his friendship a great deal. And my best friend from work has not wanted to talk to me like we use to either. And my catfish died and my cousin is suicidal too and my mom's dog died. And I can't pay most of my bills and my car insurance lapsed this week and my tag is past due by 2 months and I still don't have any heat in my house and the weather is suppose to get really bad in a couple of days. And of course, there's the whole work thing. And that with all the recent realizations about my own behavior in cases where I had thought the other person was completely to blame. I'm having to accept my part in everything as I learn more about my illnesses and it hurts to realize how much I have been responsible for hurting people.

I desperately need to feel loved right now!! But the only person that could make me feel that way is also the person who doesn't know how not to rip my heart out after a night of drinking.

I've prayed and prayed and trusted and handed everything over to God each day and knew that I would be taken care of.....and for it all, I dont' understand why I am in so much pain. The desire to curl up in the arms of a caring person and be comforted right now while I'm crying my eyes out is so strong, but I have no one.

Unloved I am and unloved I feel. I don't know how much longer I can keep myself away from the destructive kind of men I always find brief comforts in.

Brett didn't love me, but he made me FEEL loved (and still does).
Shawn (my ex-fiance) LOVED me, but didn't make me feel loved.

Aren't people who are poor in money suppose to be rich in love?

I'm not loveable. Why am I not? I love others deeply? Don't I deserve at least a small fraction in return?

Hopefully, I'll feel better in the morning or hopefully the treatment starting on monday will help a little. I will write and let everyone know how it goes.
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Old 11-07-2004, 08:45 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Darling,
I hope you can feel some love here. These people loved me when I could not love myself.
How many weeks have you been on your antidepressant? If it is 8 weeks and you are still thinking, feeling suicidal in my opinion you need a different medicine(s)

I smoke cigarettes. Many. Isn't that hurting myself to relieve anxiety and etc?
At one time, during months of grieving, I smoked as much as I could to hasten my end and my misery.

What worries me is your financial problems, you need a safe, secure and comfortable home. I have been "homeless" too ...and no amount of right thinking can change the problems of not having what you need to survive, leave alone be well. And safe transportation. These are tools we need to be well.

It is something I am still very afraid of. It could happen again soon. At least I always knew my daughter and I could share a home and scrape by with assistance programs.
Sharing the burdens lightens them.

Your friends do not know how to talk to you anymore. They do not understand your problems. That is why this site is so important to me. It is the one place I do not feel so shamed and alienated because of my illnesses. There is so much acceptance here. And we need that like we need food. Maybe more.

I am so sorry for your struggles and pains. There are no easy answers. I often have to tell myself....just for today I can do something that I would abhor doing for the rest of the year. And sometimes the just for today is making it through the day or doing the littlest thing that comes naturally and easily for others. Yes, like getting dressed. Stepping out of the house.

I am much much better with my meds and stabilized. I am not miserable or obsessive. But these "things" are still an effort. I keep hoping that if I practice, I can fake it 'til I make it. I believe that can happen gradually.

Do you know what I have done today? I put music in. And even that is unnatural, but it is a taking me outside of myself.

Yesterday was a very successful day. Went out with a friend all day, took a bus to a nearby popular city, walked alot, took a little taxi tour. These things are so wonderful, why do I have to FORCE myself to do things I truly love? It makes no sense.

I am more at home with my illness than wellness.

For instance, it would feel wonderful today to take a long hot shower because I am a little sore and achy from all the walking yesterday. Why don't I just go do it??

I just want you to know you are not alone in struggling with things we do not understand or want. And being overwhelmed by them.

Check out the group in Women In Recovery as well. I find those ladies to be miracles.
There is alot of everyday friendship there.

I need to do something real today. Put another brick in the wall. I hate to speak it because I am likely to fail, but what would be a super success today would be to spend an hour or two on my spanish lessons which I have completely neglected.
And a hot shower too would give me an A+

Little things. Such little things. It frustrates me too. I am intelligent, I expect so much more from myself, I know I have abilities.
But I think yesterday's success will make it easier for me to make some advances today.
So, really if I do those things today I will be doing it for tomorrow.
Like a stairs, taking one step.
But a success if I do not stand still.
Anything, it doesn't so much matter what, just do something to keep from freezing up in one place, because everything else will move forward without me and I will lose ground.
It is very hard to be satisfied with that. Any little thing, when I have greater expectations, but in my reality it is where I am.

Just one thing to make tomorrow easier, love. If you can come up with something like that, you build strength and love and your path becomes success-bound.

Shoot, if I soak my feet...that will be something. But today, I think I can be stronger than that. And I am delighted to say I am no longer starving myself, which I do when I am sick, my appetite is good. And I am enjoying eating. YEA!!!!!!

I hate looking like I just walked out of a concentration camp. I get self-consious, wear baggy clothes to hide myself (it doesn't work) and I don't want to be seen and that makes getting out harder.

Stay in touch. We are all in this together.

ps, just like I denied my need for food, i denied the need of sufficient monies.
But having enough not to be anxious for basics makes a world of difference.
It is good to be rich in love, but material security is important too.
I am still trying to establish that.
I like to read the Dalai Lama who reinforces that need as good and desirable and holy and loving.
The piece I return to time and again....when it is the only thing I can do in one day...if there is only one thing it is a good one...is the speech on living well. It is still in a post in Women In Recovery. Joy, Contentment and living well. Gives me strength in right thinking...and taking care of myself.

You are loved by me. I need you. I am less alone in the world because of you.

tena
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Old 11-07-2004, 09:50 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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I'm not loveable. Why am I not? I love others deeply? Don't I deserve at least a small fraction in return?
Jenna, you are loved. You are worthwhile! It may be a cliche, but ppl who don't see this are missing out on alot! Personally, I'm very happy to have you in my life!

I'm worried about your financial situation too. If you have electricity (I don't know where you're posting out of, could be a library), do you have a space heater? Please keep us updated!

Tena said...
I am more at home with my illness than wellness.
Me too! I had never come up with a good way of saying that..... thankyou!

I'm trying to become at home with increasing wellness, but I want to slip right back into the garbage pail. A work in progress. Sigh.
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