MidnightBlue

And here it comes again.

This excruciating feeling of inadequacy - so painful that I want to tear myself apart.

Earlier on the thread I wrote that I can't live for the sake of mere survival any more - it has no point.

And yet I can't break beyond the fear that I won't survive.

I want to look beyond the pain and I can't.

Dee74

I'm sorry you still feel this way MB.
Is the the possibility of you talking to someone - counsellor therapist, Dr?

Sometimes we need an outside perspective to help us work out where we are and how to get to where we want to be?

D

MidnightBlue

Thanks, Dee.

I am just exhausted with ongoing inner battle.

courage2

((Midnightblue)) you are beautiful & amazing. Don't give up before you can see how true that is!

Soberpotamus

Hi, MB. Do you think any of this is to do with your reading the book you mentioned in PM? Do you think it might have triggered some trauma?

I wish I could help more.

I've been severely depressed before. I remember that at some point it helped me to throw out some beliefs I held. Beliefs that I had to be 'good enough' or that I have to live to some standard. Basically, deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, the feeling you've mentioned above. They were pretty much grinding me down into a ball of misery.

Maybe it's better to live freely, with less pressure and expectation? Who are we to define our lives in such a way that we can't even breathe or truly live?

Maybe it's time to re-write the script and make it entirely something you decide for yourself, with no input from the outside world, and especially none from family members who didn't know how to love...

MidnightBlue

Thank you, ladies.

SP - I agree with the most of your post - too much pressure on myself and no space to breathe.
As for the book - my suicidal "history" goes back to long before I started reading it, but surely because of the reasons it is dealing with. I'd say it gave me hope that it will be over some day.

Thank you all again.
Going off to work.

Bekindalways

Arrrgh Midnightblue. Depression is the worst!!! Please hang tough; go for a walk: post again: whatever it takes. Big hug to you.

MidnightBlue

Wow.

I just went to my initial post and noticed it was exactly 2 years ago I started this thread - March 4, 2014.

I asked myself - am I in better place today?

I don't know.

I mean ... I am in a better place - a have a new good job, and ..

On the other hand - the point of living is still eluding me. It still takes a lot from me to make it through the day.

I am 1 *** days sober today. ( I have no idea why numbers keep turning into ***. So, I will put it in words - I am one thousand two hundred and thirty seven days sober).

I've just finished reading the book Superbetter written by a psychologist who is engaged in research about theory of games .

It was really a good read and I am rereading it now.

I will give more details tomorrow (just falling asleep now).

But in brief:

She applied her Superbetter method when suffered from suicidal depression caused by concussion. And because of concussion she couldn't do anything - read, watch movies, work on computer, etc.

So she adopted new identity - Jane the Concussion Slayer and started her game.

She "recruited" her sister as an ally and asked her to give her the smallest assignments she could do to acquire that sense of achievement. Her sister gave her tasks like "go to the window, look out and find one thing that you like", etc.

The next step was to identify "bad guys" - triggers which cause negative emotions and mess up with success.

And then "activate power-ups" - anything that makes you feel better.


So, tomorrow I am going to adopt my new identity for the game - for fighting depression.

And I need allies.

Who wants to be my ally?

See you.

MidnightBlue

So, I am going to be "Midnight Depression Destroyer".

Any allies to give me a super simple assignment which will require just one condition - it's for pure fun of game. No desired outcome, "usefullness", productivity or whatever.

I struggle big time with doing thing for fun. Still under the spell of lots false beliefs my mind starts immediately accessing any activity from the point of view "is it worth of time investment". I feel imprisoned and overstressed by this.

Let out imagination rock.

silentrun

Hi MB. I saw your username at the top of this section on my way down to the sugar free thread. . I'm sorry you are still getting hit with this. My issues were mostly self induced so I don't really have any insight on this. I can play that game with you though.

Assignment #1. Today when you are out find 3 things that are purple. Report back what they are and we can play 6 degrees of separation.

Thank you for helping me out on that other thread. I am ready to do this and that honey may have derailed the whole thing.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Silentrun)

Well, all the purple things I noticed outside were other girls' tops while I was in the gym)))

Glad I helped with honey.

Lyoness

Hi MidnightBlue, just saw your thread and wanted to post. I relate so very much to what you say. Have been fighting suicidal depression since 2013, after going into recovery. Like you, I have been fighting this battle my entire life. Sounds like we also share a very strong sense of survival coupled with strong desire to die. I call it my existential split and it makes life that more challenging. Can't go either way, stuck in the middle. Even got myself into legal trouble stealing prescriptions to try and check out with. (I have a whole thread in Substance Abuse forum about that.)

I can also relate to your sense of just existing, I call it enduring. Like I am just waiting til this is all over with. Not finding mean, often losing hope.

I don't write this to be depressing but in hopes of letting you know you are NOT alone. I wish I had answers for you, could lift your pain. I will simply echo what others have said, keep reaching out, try to find an ally to help you--psychiatrist, counselor, support group, friend. Keep posting here. And know you have another person pulling for you now.

I'm going to check out that book, it sounds so different and understanding. I wish you peace.

Elseware

Hi Midnightblue. It is nice to see you posted here. I for one am glad to "see" you. I hope you will be looking out for a shiny black crow today. They are my favorite bird because they are so clever and smart!

Bekindalways

ATTENTION: Midnight Depression Destroyer.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it: take off your shoes, go into your kitchen, set the timer for 3 minutes and 33 seconds, pick up your dish towel and dance with it until the timer goes off.

PS I could take this role pretty seriously as so much of what you say rings true for me.

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

So, Midnight Depression Destroyer is back here.

Thank you so much, ladies, for stopping by and giving me assignments!

Lyoness - Thank you for your post. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in this. And I can totally relate to Existential Split - this split is tearing me apart almost every day.

Elseware - Since chances are very low that I will see a shiny black crow "in flesh in blood" today I decided to use the full range of my superhero arsenal and used Youtube to search for video. It was such a fun to watch this bird. Thank you)

Bekindalways - I don't mind at all your taking this role seriously) And your assignment gave me a real kick today . I felt so sluggish and low in the morning , but I went to the kitchen and started some dull movements - but somewhere in to 2d minute I was kidding around waving the towel and so on)

So, tomorrow I will be open to new assignments)

And it's time to move to the next step - battle bad guys.

Bad guys. Oh, boy, my list is endless.

But, lately I analyzed where my "lightweight" bad guys stem from - and the source inevitably led to the feeling inadequacy.

This bad guy has been crippling my life since I remember myself. It began with me being forced to keep "family secrets" and I always felt like spy in a hostile land among other people.

It wasn't until recently that I became aware of this horrendous feeling of inadequacy I bear on my shoulders, in my heart, in every cell of my being.
I never feel worthy of anything which goes beyond "survival level" .
All my world and perception of life is warped.
It was really surprising for me to hear a few times from other people that I often have to serious and even "airy" (???) look , while I just cringe inside and frown because I fell like inadequate people whose life has been screwed up have no right to smile and feel joy.

So, I have to come out with actions against this bad guy. ASAP. If I want to reclaim my life back.

Thank you all so much. Life is better with allies)

silentrun

Hi MB. How are you feeling? Purple is a really hard color to find in the matrix. I will be looking for a Crow and dancing for 3.33 minutes today. Hope you have a successful mission today MDD.

Arm me with Harmony

You down with MDD (Yeah you know me)
You down with MDD (Yeah you know me)
You down with MDD (Yeah you know me)
Who's down with MDD (Every last homie)

MidnightBlue

He-he. MDD)

Thank you, Silentrun!

Bekindalways

Attention: Midnight Depression Destroyer

Your mission, should you choose to accept it: got to youtube, look up "baby sloths get swaddled"; watch video; for the entire 3 minutes and 26 seconds rub your ears firmly.

MidnightBlue

Hi, all)

Bekindalways - You are one creative ally! Thank you!

I did this challenge! And I should tell ears robbing part was the hardest - my ears burnt when mission was completed)

And beside the mission itself I made some progress - I started it immediately after reading your post.

Procrastination and nasty voice which always tries to BS me into "you can't do it PERFECT now, so you should do it later when you are ready" - they make depression worse.

So it was great to start with little things and develop it into a new habit - to tackle things without waiting for a perfect moment.

My bad guy - "feeling of inadequacy"... I never realized to what extent it highjacked my life. It made me its slave.

While preparing lunch I just thought - what would my world look like if I didn't operate from the assumption that I am some kind of burden to anyone?

Soberwolf

Hoping for an awesome day for you Midnight