Calnius

Hey guys, this is really random, but its been sporadically happening over the past two years. I started dating perhaps who I thought was the love of my life back in 2004, we broke up in 2008, however we go to the same university so I have seen her around, but we don't really associate, I'd like to say that I am over her, but because she was such a huge chunk of my life she is not entirely out of mind.

The weird thing is, Occasionally I have dreams about us being around one another and hanging out (the dreams never clarified if we were dating, but we were on good terms in them, unlike in real life, for some reason she refuses to talk to me even as a friend, and well I have no idea why but theres nothing I can do about that.)

Last night I had one where it started when I was in her house, no one knew I was there like I had just magically teleported in there, knowing I would be in insane trouble if I was caught there I tried to hide until I could figure a way out. eventually I was caught by her and her parents, she ignored me completely, her parents were furious that I was in their house (again, the dream started in there so even in the dream I had no idea how I got there.) Her parents agreed to let it slide if I would gtfo, and right before I left she walked by me and said "ive gotta go to work, we will talk later" that is essentialy all I remember about the dream.

Do you guys think my manic depression is triggering these dreams? could I subconsciously still have feelings for her? Why would I dream about her occasionally like this? Opinions greatly appreciated.

Regretter

Hey Cal,

I'm just getting divorced from a 14yr marriage (separated 3yrs) and I dream about my wife all the time. I also dream about things that are in the back of my mind or have watched on film etc.

I think it's just the brain's way of filing things away when we're in REM sleep. My guess is that she's still on your mind on some level and your dreams are telling you that.

In my view relationships are easy for some people to get over, but not everyone's the same and for some of us they stay with us forever. I still think (awake) about my girlfriend before my wife because she meant so much to me. Even now I'm consumed with thoughts of my wife and it's really getting in the way of me moving on. I'm so tired of it that I don't want another relationship because it'll be another weight I carry around with me.

My point, I guess, is that for some of us love doesn't end with the relationship like it does for others, so in the backs of our minds we're still missing the person that's gone.

That's my vote.

Calnius

That might be what it is. I mean, I've had a relationship since then, but Maybe part of me on some level still values the relationship that we had. Although it is pretty unfortunate when the dream happens, because it just reminds me of what I had before things went sour and her personality changed, I woke up feeling depressed.

This doesn't happen super frequently, but i'd say every other month or so. It's really confusing to be honest. Now she Is going to be on my mind all day.


Also, I have been diagnosed with manic depression...Is it normal to feel almost 'normal' for awhile, then out of nowhere you will think of something uncontrollably that will send you into a depressive mood, then after a duration of time you will approach that almost level of 'normal' again, only to have the cycle repeat?

Regretter

Well, to me man that just sounds like you do still miss her on some level and it's an unresolved issue in your conscious mind. I'm no doctor but what you're describing sounds very familiar to me.

Ditto.

In my experience yes it is. That's depression 101. What you're describing here is a-typical for manic or otherwise depressed people. If only it were all nice and even we could make more sense of it but unfortunately it doesn't seem to work like that.

How you deal with this will be personal to you, but I'm not hearing anything that you should be seriously concerned about. When depression is at a heavy level these sorts of feelings always seem to be blown out of proportion in our own heads. I've been there so many times and only this year have I started to get a more balanced perspective. And when I say more balanced, I don't mean well and normal I just mean not out of control manic like last year.

Like I say I'm no specialist, but my opinion is that you're just a bloke with a heart that's still feeling some unresolved pain.

Women seem genetically wired to compartmentalise far better than we can so mainstream society expects us to be made of stone & doesn't realise that we have feelings, too. We just deal with them in a different way and if we don't deal with them they stay with us.

Ever heard the idiom that a young man with a broken heart goes to war to heal? If not to actual war then with himself. Our dreams, I personally believe, tell us something about what's on our mind.

Calnius

Well, the deal with her is what started my depression, but afterwards many other things began to cause and increase it. Like, I've had a perfectly decent living situation, with no really valid reason why I should be depressed, but for some reason I just can't seem to function on some days because I just feel 'worthless' or down.

I actually am scheduling a meeting with a psychiatrist in the next week or so, hopefully that will provide some benefit in the long run.

Regretter

Ah ha!! Why doesn't that surprise me?

Oh man, I SO understand what you mean. I once had a great life before I met her and was full of self confidence and hope, but after a decade or so of having my mind ****** with I lost all that and my life went to pieces one bit at a time.. one new problem or pressure added on each time kept setting me back because the initial punch in the nuts from my wife weakened me and made me more vulnerable to other life stresses that wouldn't normally have brought me down.
My marriage destroyed who I was as an individual so I'm now in the process of rebuilding a new me. Sustained drug use isn't helping (actually one specific type of drug helped enormously but I feel it inappropriate to mention it on the forum) but my current state of anxiety is all rooted back to my marriage in one way or another. I've come to accept that she meant so much to me and I sacrificed so much of my life to be with her that she'll always be a part of me no matter what. But, really, I'd rather I never met her as I don't want all these feelings anymore. You must be so tired of it as well.

The thing I find about depression is that focusing on it seems to make it worse as it becomes the central focus. This is such a typical path for those us with MD or other psych conditions.

It might well do. Professionals do have a certain structured way of opening doors and putting some things in order and it can sink in the grey matter eventually. My first psych assessment just wound me up but months later I started re-reading my reports and started to see my behaviour wasn't as far away from what she diagnosed at the beginning. Acceptance of ourselves takes time. For me it didn't magically solve my problems, but it was a part of my healing. I'm not yet healed, but I'm a lot better than I was and professional help did play its part.

I'm sure one day you'll be relieved enough to look back and wonder how you ever got into such a state. I'm hopeful for you that your depression will lift one day.

In my humble opinion one has to believe they can be well again before the healing comes.

I'm sorry if I'm preaching to the converted.. I just see so many similarities.