Not Wanting to Be Healthy
 

Does that make sense to anyone? I abuse alcohol. And I do various other things to constantly cripple myself. I even feel pretty comfortable and "normal" when I have a cold and am lying around in bed. The irony is that I am a man in my 30s who is generally healthy. Does anyone have this "not-wanting-to-be-healthy" problem? What is that all about? I'm not sure, but some theories:
-Introversion. Being unhealthy gives one an excuse to not participate in the world and be alone.
-Anxiety. Being healthy means you have energy, which can be hard to handle.
-Excuse. Maybe it's just an excuse to indulge in addictions.

I think being fundamentally introverted has something to do with it. Just wondering if anyone has thoughts to share.
Thanks.

I've heard of self sabotaging behaviors...but don't understand them much. Like I have a hard time accepting someone loving me unconditionally and I make my relationships difficult because of that by my behaviors and thoughts.
Anyways, I guess there are lots of books out there about that..just looking quickly one person recommended : Your Own Worst Enemy: Understanding the Paradox of Self-Defeating Behavior (1993) by Steven Berglas and Roy F. Baumeister argues that there are multiple explanations for why individuals sabotage themselves. (Actually, looking at the publishing date, it's probably outdated- but it's just an example.)
And again, I don't know if that pertains to you or not...
Or it could be simply "a body in motions stays in motion...a body at rest stays at rest". Probably not though.

I think for me, the issue of being afraid to be healthy is that I've been sick for a very long time in some form or another (mental-health wise) and I've always felt like it defines me. I don't know who I am without being sick - but I have finally realized that I have got to give it a go.

Yea, I think I understand where you are coming from. For me, I think it is lack of self esteem. I've had a bottle of vitamins next to my bed for a year or two, yet I almost never take them. Now understand that I take a fist full of other pills every day, so it's not like one more is going to be a big deal, but for some reason I wont' take them. (I'm going to take one today!!!!) It's like I dislike myself so much I feel like I don't deserve to be healthy or something. I have started making myself go to the gym and it does help me feel better. I think those of us with mental issues really have to consciously force ourselves to do things that we may not want to do, but we know will help us. At least that has been the case for me. Take care.

I understand exactly what you mean. I always took care of myself until around 7th or 8th grade when my severe depression began to manifest itself. In 9th and 10th grade I developed a pretty severe eating disorder and dropped over 40-50 pounds in a matter of two months...I still have that "anorexic" thinking constantly.

It wasn't until college when I really quit even trying to take care of myself. I indulged in a lot of alcohol and drugs, skipped classes, and ended up dropping out before my first semester was over. I probably just use not caring about myself as an excuse to keep destroying myself with alcohol and drugs. If I don't care about myself why bother ever being awake or sober?

If I'm awake, I don't want to be sober. If I'm sleeping, I don't want to wake up. I keep trying to work on it but ultimately, I don't care enough.

Wow, I can relate here. Especially the last part. I'm always kind of hoping that I won't wake up, and when I do I just want to get drunk or high. Then there's all the health problems that come with it and it just makes it all worse. I just want to go back to when I was a kid, where things were simple and I was happier. I really can't see how I can fix my screwed up mind into not worrying about stuff and just being happy.

Just when I think I'm finally happy something minor happens and then I end up depressed over nothing really. :(

That was spot on. I feel like that. Lately I just want to sleep and I always wake up feeling bad and like I really want to drink or do something to numb my constant emotional pain, but my health issues that I have gotten from that are bad enough that I really can't afford to do that anymore.
It's a vicious cycle of feeling bad sober, knowing that I will destroy my health even more with drinking but still wanting to do it, and just never feeling good.

Maybe? If you feel healthy you might feel compelled to get yourself out there and be productive. Is there fear about there being expectations that you don't feel capable of meeting for yourself?

Personally i am trying, and have tried to get myself to a place where i want to be. There is one thing i feel i need to do now, but cant bring myself to do it. I get these good intentions to stop drinking, its just really difficult.

Ive been in and out of therapy many times and will continue to be until im at a place where i want to be. Sometimes i hard to give yourself that push that is needed. I feel that if you want something you must go get it, unless you'll never feel differently. but with drink for me, thats my biggest downfall.

i take my meds, i tae my vitimens, i work on techniques that have been given to me, i research self help, carry them out...but yet i always fall. When i fall i fall prety bad but i pic myself up, dust me down and begin the routine all over again...there is just one thing in my routine which im having the problem with - drink.

It is hard to stay in the place where you know you are 'safe' and 'fmailiar' with but unless you want to feel differently you have to put the work in. Wor is hard and stressful but can pay off. the more you put in the more you get out....

God i wish i could apply some of what i just said to my life!!!
Its all so much easier said then done...