Creating my own obstacles?
 

I'm not sure which forum to post this in - I'm 3.5 years without a drink and no longer in AA, but still struggling with depression and self-harm.

I've been trying to get help for my mental health problems for many, many years. I've finally been accepted into a short group therapy group (8 weeks) but I can't sort out childcare.

Part of me feels I'd do anything to get better, another part of me doesn't want to not parent the 'right' way for me. My baby is very attached and very breastfed and I know he'll cry the whole 2 hours he is away from me. Affording/finding childcare won't be easy either. I can't take him with me. I've had to decline the place for the time being.

I don't know what to do. I flit between sticking him in a nusery (how I'd afford it I don't know) so I can have therapy (whether they'd let me have it is another question), giving him up for adoption so I can just give in to my urges and begin the downward spiral that I desperately want, or just burying my head in the sand and hoping everything will be alright.

Good morning! I just had to reply to your post because you are fighting for your life and trying to be there for your baby. Try asking to borrow the money to put your baby in child care. It will not hurt your baby to get a one bottle while you get the help you need. I was breast feeding my son too and had to go into the hospital because of a break down and had to give up nursing. You do what you have to to take care of yourself. You really do not want to get drunk again or self harm do you? Your Baby will be fine for two hours that your away, trust me. I use to think my kids could not live without me,but turns out they could. As a matter of fact when I was manic I was no good to them anyway or when I was depressed either. I'm healthy now because I take my meds and see a shrink and go to AA. I take time out for me. Iuse to bring the kids to AA at times when I really need to go to be around people. They loved seeing the kids,so you never know. Good luck and know your not alone!!!

When you ask yourself the age-old question:

What is the right thing to do?

Do, you get the answer? Ultimately this works for me. Then I just do what I can do. It isn't easy. The mental Health field is anything but easy to navigate. Can you describe any other options? Do you have healthcare coverage? Postpartum depression may be playing into it too, at least it did for me! That alone can make us feel like monsters. Can you expand a little more on your situation? There's no family to help?

Don't give up... don't go back to drinking that's the worst thing you can do. I'm sorry your having a hard time affording child care. I hope you can find a way so that you can go to theraphy. I hope you can keep your kid and not let this stuff take him away. hugs <3 Hang in their. <3