crzylilmndfreak

hi everyone, i am starting fresh, had several bad relapses, some very embarrassing, shamefull experiences, and have been away for quite some time. I just want to begin a new year and begin to become the person i have allways wanted to be, start a new "chapter" in my life, if you will. I dont want to be this person. She is Ugly. She is Inconsiderate. She is Selfish.
I want to be like a newborn baby, like a butterfly just evolving... i want to wash my face clean and rinse with cool water, pat it softly dry, and take good care of.
To have a fresh mind and attitude that is what i am striving for, starving for. Hungry. Desperate for air. A frozen lake i've been swimming in and am using my fingertips looking up to the light for the opening to get out. I want to be set free of this disease. God, I am looking to for some kind of emotional bandaide, for this open wound on my soul.
I am here, because i know you have all been/are where im at. You all can relate, and i find so much comfort in that. I am looking for some friends, that may be able to get me through this horrible ache in my skin.
I will heal. I have no doubt of that. It will take time, care, and soothing...pamporing. Consideration. But i will get there. At least i have hope. And that is a good start, right?
thank you all for listening
crys

sleepie

You'll get there. Just know it takes time, but every moment counts. There's solace in that. Be patient with yourself. Try to recognize past behaviors and try something new in the future. Keep a journal, make it your space and see how you progress. The past is the past. Focus on the "new" you.

crzylilmndfreak

thank you for responding, i wish i could let go of the past, just fast forwarf through time, just ahead one year, and see where i'll be,..hopefully liveing a quiet clean, calm life with my husband and kids,..
I am currently on 6 differnt meds, none of which even seeme to be working, and i would just love to be able to just "see" what and where my mind would be without any drugs in my symptoms...has anyone else felt like this? im jsut so fed up with this rollercoaster of 'drug cocktails" if you can name it off ive been on it, and its just so frustrating to continue to be in the same baot as i am...like i said, not looking for med. "advice" just some simple answers to know that this is normal whatever "normal' is
ty
crys

crzylilmndfreak

thank you for responding, i wish i could let go of the past, just fast forwad through time, just ahead one year, and see where i'll be,..hopefully
living a quiet clean, calm life with my husband and kids,..
I am currently on 6 differnt meds, none of which even seeme to be working, and i would just love to be able to just "see" what and where my mind would be without any drugs in my symptoms...has anyone else felt like this? im jsut so fed up with this rollercoaster of 'drug cocktails" if you can name it iff, ive been on it, and its just so frustrating to continue to be in the same boat as i am...like i said, not looking for med. "advice" just some simple answers to know that this is normal whatever "normal' is
ty
crys

Ceres

Heya,

If I was on six medications and I didn't before, I'd go to another phychiatrist for a second opinion. I've done this with medical issues regarding my handicapped son. I'd call up another doc and tell them I need a second opinion. It certainly wouldn't hurt. :-)

ClayTheScribe

Normal is boring. Normal people are old when they're 25. I never want to be normal no matter how bad it may seem. Plus, normal doesn't exist, it never did. I think the word you're looking for is healthy. That's much more achievable and slightly more defined.

Make sure you're completely, totally honest with your psychiatrist about how your meds are making you feel and if you feel they're not working. Their job, ideally, is to adjust said medications, add medications or take you off medications until you feel better. But they can't do their job without the proper information. I'm on 5 different psych meds right now. I'm currently doing a slow taper off the Geodon and working on eliminating others and replacing if needed. For me, now that I'm sober, I don't believe I need so many meds. Now that you're clean you may feel the same. Or you may need several medications to balance you out. Whatever it takes. But I understand the feeling of being on a rollercoaster with all the meds and how in some ways they can make your life easier, but at the same time more difficult. Just be patient and keep adjusting the meds until you get it right. I've also thought about what it would be like to be without these meds, but that thought mostly terrifies me. I've come to peace with I may have to be on at least one psych med the rest of my life. Whatever helps keep me sane enough to live a reasonable life. Patience is a great virtue to have when trying to change oneself, especially changing old habits and ways of thinking. Exercise mindfulness, patience and lovingkindness for yourself and others, especially yourself.

What has helped me a lot in the last six months is I started taking a supplement called L-methionine, or also L-methylfolate. It's like highly concentrated folic acid and is supposed to help antidepressants work better. It worked better than I though it would for me. Taking it helped me lift me out of a pretty deep depression. And I know it's the supplement 'cause I ran out of it for a few days. Might be something worth looking into. I also take 4800 mg of fish oil and 2,000 IUs of Vitamin D everyday and I feel it helps, maybe not a lot, but enough that I notice it when I stop taking them.

Also instrumental in keeping me at least somewhat above water with this depression thing is exercise. Right now I'm doing at least 30 minutes of cardio five times a week. I've found 30 minutes seems to be the key.

I was touched by the beautiful poetry you conveyed in your original post. I hope you're putting that ability to use language in such a way that you did to good use.

Take care,

Clay

crzylilmndfreak

Well ive allways said "normal" is a setting on my washing machine...because i really have no idea of what the word normal even stands for, or means...I have been off of my meds except for my klonopin now for a couple days , and im not sure what it is, but i'm getting these, the only way i can describe it is these "shocks" in my head, i think it may be having gone off of my wellbutrin, I've tried to do that before, and think that may be it, idk, anyone have any experienced withdrawals from wellbutrin?

suki44883

Brain zaps. Yeah, those are quite annoying. You shouldn't just stop taking anti-depressants. You need to taper off of them. You should talk to your doctor about how to do that safely.

ClayTheScribe

You certainly can just stop taking psych meds, but you should expect debilitating withdrawals within a week's time that will drive you to the point of insanity and could possibly make you want to end your life. That happened to me when I DID taper off Lithium because I did it too fast. You should only just stop taking meds with doctor supervision ONLY, or in a case where your life is at risk by taking the meds. Be careful and talk to your doctor about tapering.

Ceres

Brain zaps! Now I know what to call them. If I forget to take them, it's like I start to feel the electricity in my head. ie: brain zaps. :-)

crzylilmndfreak

[QUOTE

I was touched by the beautiful poetry you conveyed in your original post. I hope you're putting that ability to use language in such a way that you did to good use.

Take care,

Clay[/QUOTE]

wow, thank you, that means alot to me...
so i woke up today and i just felt so SO wierd, really, my husband actually thought i had taken one of my medications incorrectly, ---like that would be so far off lol----- but NO, i hadnt taken anything, i have gotton my klonopin back, and had that for the last 3 days now, but about a week ago now is when i stopped cold turkey taking my wellbutrin, for depression, luvox for ocd, and lamictil for moods, i just feel like i want to feel FREE of any and all chemicals in my system, now that i am not drinking alcohol or taking any drugs for any kind of "head change" i wnt to know the "real Crystal" and i dont think i have ever even caught a glimpse of her since i was 14years old with my first drink. I was allways looking for some kind of "escape" i have no freakin idea of who i really even am! and it is scary as hell. So i did take half my dose of the wellbutrin since i think thats whats doing the shocks, and it helped pretty much the rest of the day untill this evening, then it started coming back, but im just going to deal with it and take another half in the morning, and slowly but surely get there. Today in my program i had to fill out a slip of a survey on self esteem. It was terriblle,... my self esteem is so low and i dont know how ot get out of it,.. the only answer i suppose would be is time, because all of these wounds are so fresh that forgiveness seems so far off. Ive done such horrible things in my addiction that i dont know how long it can or will be able to ever let go of alll of those things
well im just babbliing now, and am in some serious need of some sleep soooo.....g'night to all
crys

Shellslove

Hi Crystal - congratulations on your new found sobriety! I apologize in advance b/c I do not know your whole story (history of addiction, mental health diagnosis, etc.) IS your doctor aware that you have abruptly stopped all your p-meds other than the klonopin??? If not, you need to inform him/her NOW! First off, as others here have mentioned – it’s important that you are slowly weaned off as stopping c/t can have severe and life-threatening symptoms, esp. when you are stopping several meds at once. You may have rebound symptoms, or even new ones that you are not equipped to deal with. Secondly, it may not be the cocktail itself that’s causing the problems, it may just be one or 2 of the meds that need to be eliminated or substituted for by something new.

Many of us here know how frustrating it can be going through the process of getting your meds to the correct combo/dosage/etc., esp. when you’re dealing with coming off abusable substances. The key is to find that one med, or combo. of meds, that helps you to feel the most stable – and the process of getting there can be relentless. I know I’ve felt the same way as you where I just want to say ‘F THIS!!’ and get off everything for good – clear my mind and just live ‘clean.’ The fact is - some people need the meds to live a healthy and stable life (on daily basis - not just a day or 2 a week when we actually get that ‘high’ and aren’t hungover or chasing, right?!) You wouldn’t just STOP taking a BP med if you knew your BP would sky rocket and put you at risk for heart attack, would you? Here’s how I look at it: there may be something missing in your brain, chemically, that is SUPPOSED to be there and isn’t - the meds fill in those gaps and make things complete. Instead of being an ‘addition’ to our natural brain chemistry, it’s just a supplement to fill in the part that is missing, making things as they should’ve been in the first place. Make sense? And yes, it is your choice NOT to take the meds, but you need to go off them responsibly. You’ve been self -medicating your whole addictive ‘career’ right? Best to leave it up to the doctors now!!!

pinkgurl87

I wouldn't just stop taking meds your not suppose to stop them on your own. Talk to a phyciratrist get a second opinion , taper off the meds gradually and see what happens but I would do it with doc so you don't get bad withdrawls and stuff.

Good you are starting over, that is good you can do this!!! Believe in yourself!

crzylilmndfreak

Well i know you all dissagree, but yes, i am rather doing this on my own, it takes weeks to get in to see my dr. and i just dont have the patience for that. What i have done is i have cut all my scripts in to half doses, and will keep it there for a few weeks, i figured thats all my doc would do anyway, right? I was without my klonopin for almost a week straight, due to insurance problems, and it damn near killed me, i went through such terrible withdrawals, and my husband didnt understand, he was like "all this just because you dont have your klonopin?" i think at that moment my head actually started spinnnig, and he got out of there real quick lol , he just doesnt understand...but i have that back now, and think that may be the one med i will stay on at least for the longest, i have such severe anxiety, ...and see i almost just said i NEED it... and that is what i DONT want,... is to NEED any medication!. i am only in my 30's and am on 6 different medications, and they obviously arent even doing their "job" How can you be suicidal on wellbutrin??? all my other meds are the same, i still have severe symptoms of these problems within which these "medications" are suppose to be aleviating. So whats the point in popping these pills for nothing? I just want to be a free-of -all meds gal
crys

Ceres

Careful - You didn't pick your nickname for no reason. ;-)

I tried going off mine, it took others who didn't even know I stopped taking them to point out "What's wrong with you lately" for me to put the peices together... I stopped medication. My "pause" button for reacting was removed. I couldn't see it until it was pointed out. Once it was pointed out, I laughed out loud. - A big, duh, moment.

Anyway, I went back to my medication. I am glad I did try to come off of them. This is good to do, to "check" but only under a doctors supervision. In my opinion. It's about being responsible for yourself - Which in general, we suck at! ;-)

ClayTheScribe

Wrong! Any rational, ethical doctor would have you taper off your medication, that does NOT mean cutting it in half. I'm tapering off a 120 mg dose of Geodon and I'm doing it 20 mg at a time because I tried tapering off Lithium like 100-200 mg at a time and I was suicidal most of the time. And if there's one thing I've learned one must have with psych meds is to be patient and trust in your doctor. If you don't trust in your doctor or can't get to one in time, FIND ANOTHER ONE. You are playing around with your health, and your life, and giving you AND your husband unnecessary stress and suffering. But if you want to learn the hard way what everyone is telling you here, be my guest. It's just not necessary.

You've admitted posting here you have mental health issues and you take medication for it. Not treating it is potentially life threatening, or at the very least, debilitating. Should someone with high cholesterol be ashamed they NEED to take statins? Should a cancer patient be ashamed they NEED to do chemotherapy? If you cut yourself, should you feel ashamed for putting Neosporin on your wound? It's okay to NEED a medication. No one who takes medications, especially psych medications, wants to have to take the medication to treat their condition, or in our cases, become physically dependent on them, but it's the nature of the drug and is the best modern medicine most of us can afford. I may NEED to take an antidepressant medication the rest of my life. Yeah that sucks, but it's better than the alternative: picking at my veins, surrounded by four soft walls in an institution, waiting for the end to come.

I understand your point, but adjusting or eliminating those meds is not something you do on your own. So many people on here and offline I know have tried it with disastrous results. Some drugs and combination of drugs can make you feel more suicidal. But stopping them abruptly or cutting them in half will only make that problem worse because your body has built a dependence to it and you will suffer. We all want to be free of all meds and I am currently working to eliminate some of mine as I improve in treatment. But cutting them out when you're going through problems still will not help you. Be prepared for some tough days ahead and if you ever feel suicidal call your husband, 911, your psychiatrist, or call 1-800-SUICIDE or any other help line.

Good luck

crzylilmndfreak

[QUOTE=

I understand your point, but adjusting or eliminating those meds is not something you do on your own. So many people on here and offline I know have tried it with disastrous results. Some drugs and combination of drugs can make you feel more suicidal. But stopping them abruptly or cutting them in half will only make that problem worse because your body has built a dependence to it and you will suffer. We all want to be free of all meds and I am currently working to eliminate some of mine as I improve in treatment. But cutting them out when you're going through problems still will not help you. Be prepared for some tough days ahead and if you ever feel suicidal call your husband, 911, your psychiatrist, or call 1-800-SUICIDE or any other help line.

Good luck[/QUOTE]

Well when i go through my "lows" it is impossible to get any lower, but to me the act of suicide is the most selfish act possible, no matter how low i get i would never actuallly take my own life, there is nothing worse, more selfish, than leaving your kids without a mom, and i would never be able to do that to them. I jsut know that i need to meet this person inside of me that has not been out in over half of my life, and if after a period of time i realize that i cant go without medication for my mental issues, i will go back to making myself well... ive just recently read about Zoloft, in fact i may have been on it at some point in the last 20 yrs,, can almost gaurantee it, actually, but i dont remember, but i read that its for depression and also helps with anxiety, anyone know anything about this? how it helps, compares to other meds, etc?
ty
crys

Ceres

I take Zoloft for depression and Anxiety. Everyone is very different so take the following as something to talk to your doctor about only:

Compared to Prozac, which was prescribed an MD - Zoloft has been a friggin miracle for me. a couple points:

1.) I have an excellent physchiatrist - One thing she said to me that was an eye opener is that many Dr.'s do not prescribe a high enough dosage of Zoloft. I'm on 150mg.

2.) I'm also on a mood stabilizer - Lamactil

These two things together have been amazing for ME. Remember this isn't medical advice, just things to consider discussing with your doctor.

Also, I think know the feeling you are having in regards to suicide. I was there and the thought of my children helped save me from tumbling off the edge. It felt like I probably didn't have the guts to actually do it - But, I could understand why other people could.