My ExH and Depression/ dry drunk
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: norwich, uk
Posts: 80
My ExH and Depression/ dry drunk
I have no Idea if I am posting this in the right place, but I need an opinion. This is a bit long so if anyone gets to the bottom brilliant.
My ExH has never been a big drinker with me, but he was before I met him, he has so many mental health issues as well, I am wondering if he is a dry drunk because I read a lot of friends and family posts and its like they are all my stories.
All the manipulation, nastiness and general crap that goes with your average alcoholic, the situation I was in pushed me towards drinking more than I should. I have a boy from a previous marriage and a boy from this marriage, when I finally said enough to his bullying of me he started on my oldest son.
We went to relate and he told the woman that I frightened him because I got so frustrated that I pulled my hair out and he was afraid I would hurt him !!!!! she said I had anger issues even when I said what about his issues she didn't listen. and he had safely deflected it all off him. Then we were talking about his past and when I tried to talk about mine I was told I couldn't.
All this time there was the niggling at me and the boys, one day he walloped my youngest so hard when I wasn't there, over a bag of flour in the garden, that over an hour later the mark was still there. I told him there and then that if he ever did it again I would call the police myself.
Then one day we had an argument and I told him that if we ever split I was more entitled to our house that he was and he told me he would rather see me dead first, that kind of stopped me in my tracks and I was devastated. Even my Mum couldn't believe he had said that.
He was still manipulating the situation even when I moved out. He spent a lot of time at mine and I felt that I couldn't tell him to stop because I was afraid that he would try and kill himself again.
We all found any family trips stressful because we were all waiting for him to get angry about something. I couldn't bare to be intimate with him, which he couldn't understand. Even when I explained it to him, half an hour later he'd try again. I hated him putting his hand down my top or my trousers.
When I finally had enough I told him all this and his answer was that he should be able to do those things because we were together!!!
At one point I told him that I wasn't going to do his paperwork anymore because I wasn't living with him and it wasn't my responsibility and he called me lazy!! I said that if any one was lazy it was him because he hadn't even tried to do it.
Now after 2 1/2 months he still hasn't seen his son and his reason is because all his other kids (7) have deserted him. They had to put up with his depression and his lousy skills as a father with no one there to defend them and he wonders why they have done this. We have a contact centre near us which is ideal for them to meet so there would be no problems.
I have written a letter to him outlining this and also asking him how he thinks ignoring his son now is going to make him want to contact him in the future.
My question is, do I send the letter or not? Will he see it as a sign that I want to be with him again, which I do not want. Or will it make it worse
My ExH has never been a big drinker with me, but he was before I met him, he has so many mental health issues as well, I am wondering if he is a dry drunk because I read a lot of friends and family posts and its like they are all my stories.
All the manipulation, nastiness and general crap that goes with your average alcoholic, the situation I was in pushed me towards drinking more than I should. I have a boy from a previous marriage and a boy from this marriage, when I finally said enough to his bullying of me he started on my oldest son.
We went to relate and he told the woman that I frightened him because I got so frustrated that I pulled my hair out and he was afraid I would hurt him !!!!! she said I had anger issues even when I said what about his issues she didn't listen. and he had safely deflected it all off him. Then we were talking about his past and when I tried to talk about mine I was told I couldn't.
All this time there was the niggling at me and the boys, one day he walloped my youngest so hard when I wasn't there, over a bag of flour in the garden, that over an hour later the mark was still there. I told him there and then that if he ever did it again I would call the police myself.
Then one day we had an argument and I told him that if we ever split I was more entitled to our house that he was and he told me he would rather see me dead first, that kind of stopped me in my tracks and I was devastated. Even my Mum couldn't believe he had said that.
He was still manipulating the situation even when I moved out. He spent a lot of time at mine and I felt that I couldn't tell him to stop because I was afraid that he would try and kill himself again.
We all found any family trips stressful because we were all waiting for him to get angry about something. I couldn't bare to be intimate with him, which he couldn't understand. Even when I explained it to him, half an hour later he'd try again. I hated him putting his hand down my top or my trousers.
When I finally had enough I told him all this and his answer was that he should be able to do those things because we were together!!!
At one point I told him that I wasn't going to do his paperwork anymore because I wasn't living with him and it wasn't my responsibility and he called me lazy!! I said that if any one was lazy it was him because he hadn't even tried to do it.
Now after 2 1/2 months he still hasn't seen his son and his reason is because all his other kids (7) have deserted him. They had to put up with his depression and his lousy skills as a father with no one there to defend them and he wonders why they have done this. We have a contact centre near us which is ideal for them to meet so there would be no problems.
I have written a letter to him outlining this and also asking him how he thinks ignoring his son now is going to make him want to contact him in the future.
My question is, do I send the letter or not? Will he see it as a sign that I want to be with him again, which I do not want. Or will it make it worse
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Heya,
I was also with a dry drunk. His depression was like a big cloyud over the whole house that engulfed me without me realizing it. I would not send the letter yet. In the family and friends section of Alcoholics we're doing a book study on "codependent no more" Chapter 7 is up there and it talks about REACTING which is what you're doing with the letter. This would be a great time to read that! There's three activities that ya can do in your head even to try and place yourself in a clearer mindest as to weather to send it or not.
I was also with a dry drunk. His depression was like a big cloyud over the whole house that engulfed me without me realizing it. I would not send the letter yet. In the family and friends section of Alcoholics we're doing a book study on "codependent no more" Chapter 7 is up there and it talks about REACTING which is what you're doing with the letter. This would be a great time to read that! There's three activities that ya can do in your head even to try and place yourself in a clearer mindest as to weather to send it or not.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by greebobeebo 
All this time there was the niggling at me and the boys, one day he walloped my youngest so hard when I wasn't there, over a bag of flour in the garden, that over an hour later the mark was still there. I told him there and then that if he ever did it again I would call the police myself.
I'm confused as to what you think the letter would accomplish.
Are you getting support for your own recovery like attending Alanon?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
I wouldn't send him anything. Sounds like both you and your son are better off without him around. He sounds very unstable and dangerous. Have you divorced him or are you just separated?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: norwich, uk
Posts: 80
Thanx peeps for your input
The visitation would be supervised at a local contact centre until my son is old enough to make the choice himself. I just thought that my son should see his Dad sometimes, also the idea of him going to his house does not appeal because I know what his temper is like. So I would always worry. I was thinking that maybe the letter would make a difference to him, make him feel bad for not seeing his son. You are right we are better without him, one of the reasons I haven't done anything so far is because every time I contacted him in the past he has taken it as a sign that we will get together again.
At the moment we are just separated, I will be divorcing him soon. I have been dealing with my own mental health problems and also with those of my oldest son, so its been on the back burner. I have all the info I need, I just need to go to my local citizens advice bureau for help with a solicitor etc.
So I shall put the letter down as a journal entry and leave it at that.
The visitation would be supervised at a local contact centre until my son is old enough to make the choice himself. I just thought that my son should see his Dad sometimes, also the idea of him going to his house does not appeal because I know what his temper is like. So I would always worry. I was thinking that maybe the letter would make a difference to him, make him feel bad for not seeing his son. You are right we are better without him, one of the reasons I haven't done anything so far is because every time I contacted him in the past he has taken it as a sign that we will get together again.
At the moment we are just separated, I will be divorcing him soon. I have been dealing with my own mental health problems and also with those of my oldest son, so its been on the back burner. I have all the info I need, I just need to go to my local citizens advice bureau for help with a solicitor etc.
So I shall put the letter down as a journal entry and leave it at that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
So I shall put the letter down as a journal entry and leave it at that.
sounds like a good idea. maybe you could join us in the friends and family section with the codependent study. wow, you have a lot to deal with.
my opinion is, keep contact as little as possible, because no matter what you say, he will not feel or do what you want.
and oh my, i have been through that sexual harassment too with my ex.
he thought since we were married, i should give him sex when he wanted and he would grab me in inappropriate places, when i told him i hated it. absolutely hated it.
beth
sorry got on a rant there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: norwich, uk
Posts: 80
I talked to my counsellor yesterday about it and she said that she felt I should pursue him about visitation for my son.
I don't think I am ready to do that, never mind whether Sprog 2 deserves to see his Dad. Last night I had thoughts of harming myself because I was thinking too much about it and the only solution was to cut myself to release the stress.
You will be pleased to know that I didn't. I rang my Mum and spoke to her OH and asked her to talk sense to me.
What worries me the most is that he will think that there is hope if I contact him and I don't want that at all, I do not want to be his possession any more, I find it frustrating that he has just rolled over and given up.
How many fathers are there out there who would love to have an ex with my attitude about their kids? How many would jump at the chance to see their kids for whatever amount of time?
I don't care that he is hurting over him and me, his son should be more important. He should be able to get over himself, grow up and see his boy.
See I'm annoyed!!
I also know how he ticks, so I also know that at the moment he's no more ready for contact than I am. I also know that there will be a time in the future that he will get over himself and see his son. I just hope for his sake that its not too late, so that he can say I told you so.
His attitude just makes me want to slap him, how healthy is that for my mental state?
I shall now continue with my life and take sprog 2 to school, take the dog for a walk and go to the dentist.
I don't think I am ready to do that, never mind whether Sprog 2 deserves to see his Dad. Last night I had thoughts of harming myself because I was thinking too much about it and the only solution was to cut myself to release the stress.
You will be pleased to know that I didn't. I rang my Mum and spoke to her OH and asked her to talk sense to me.
What worries me the most is that he will think that there is hope if I contact him and I don't want that at all, I do not want to be his possession any more, I find it frustrating that he has just rolled over and given up.
How many fathers are there out there who would love to have an ex with my attitude about their kids? How many would jump at the chance to see their kids for whatever amount of time?
I don't care that he is hurting over him and me, his son should be more important. He should be able to get over himself, grow up and see his boy.
See I'm annoyed!!
I also know how he ticks, so I also know that at the moment he's no more ready for contact than I am. I also know that there will be a time in the future that he will get over himself and see his son. I just hope for his sake that its not too late, so that he can say I told you so.
His attitude just makes me want to slap him, how healthy is that for my mental state?
I shall now continue with my life and take sprog 2 to school, take the dog for a walk and go to the dentist.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
