Captain Kirk

one day, about 20 years ago, my parents sat me down and said "we're getting a divorce. how do you feel about that?"
"ok" i said. as if the oppinion of a 10 year old child was going to make the slightest bit of diffrence to what they were going to do, weather i liked it or not.
"well remember, just because mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore it doesn't mean we don't love you. everything's still the same and nothing will change". huh. sure it wouldn't....
i can vividly remember that moment. if i close my eyes i can see the furniture in our old home. i can see my parents as they were back then. i remember that day very well. **** i can almost smell it.

now. i need an objective oppinion.
is it 'normal' that as a 30 year old man (although really, in spirit that is, i'm about as mature as i was 20 years ago) i still think back to that day?
for many years i'd 'forgotten' about that period of my life. it's only in the past year or so i've been revisiting my memories and feelings from then.
i need to know if it's possible to unlock my deamons by dealing with the past, because i don't think i delt with it at the time. or am i just wasting my energys thinking back to such a long time ago? is it irrelevent now because so much time has passed and everything else has changed?

as a result of my parents divorce i feel my life took a very diffrent course to what it was supposed to take. my cousins and younger brother (who was too young to remember when we were a united family) all had a good education and now have good jobs. i should have been a ******* architect or engineer or something. but instead i'm a bum!
because, my brother went to live with my mom and i wasn't allowed to go because she didn't want me. so i stayed with my dad. and at the time he had a restaurant so in the evening's he'd take me to the restaurant with him and we wouldn't get home till maybe 1 or 2am. then in the mornings i'd be too tired to get up for school and he'd be too tired to get me up for school. so i was literally hours late for school just about everyday.
plus i never had any clean shirts to wear to school. and because of this i was often yelled at infront of the class. but, in all fairness i must say, my dad did give me generous amounts of lunch money. huh. i probably could have bought lunch for the whole class....
this went on for a year or so. then my dad sent me to live with his parents in another country. they had no idea what to do with me and let me run wild. i permenantly dropped out of school that year. i didn't speak the launguage and was just wasting my time and the teachers time at that school. so i quit, and my granparents or mom or dad (both who occasionally visited every few months) didn't bat an eyelid. i was 14 years old. they treated me as if quitting school was the most normal thing in the world to do.
and that is how i became a bum.
and from there things just deteriorated for me. drink. drugs. gambling. etc. ect.

is it morally ok to resent my parents for this? for ruining my damn ******* life (the point here isn't that i choose to quit school and they let me - that's not it. the point is the series of events that put me such a situation). having to pay the consequences of thier actions everyday for the rest of my life because they've ruined it and i'll never have a good job or any true friends or nothing at all, all because of what they've done to me.....
or is it possible that there's a deeper reason (ie. mental illness) for me being the way I am (alcohol. drugs. gambling)
i just wanna get better and have a normal life

justsomegirl

I dont know what the proper or right answer is but IMO you have many reasons to feel resentful angry and hurt. My husband has some deep rooted issues with his parents going back to childhood and he was told by a therapist that they are who they are and he can never change what they have done. However, he can stop letting them continue to hurt him now by realizing and accepting the past (sounds harsh) and basically getting over it. She said it with a little more finess but I hope you get the gist. Easier said then done though....so I guess to answer your question..I think your reaction to all your childhood experiences is normal. I hope you find peace.

Ceres

Everyone experience pain from different sources. What might seem trite isn't to YOU. 30 years old seems a time when we start to grow up. Seems you may be on your way to letting all that go. I think you know the answer. It's your life now.

Lilya

I think now is a good opportunity to confront your anger and hurt in a constructive way. You will find that overcoming those issues will make you stronger so you can rebuild your life.

This may take some time, as in my case, but keep writing down what makes you angry. Then take steps to deal with each issue.

Have you tried the twelve step system for your drug problems and gambling?

There is no reason to stay stuck with old ghosts, remember: Today is the last day of the rest of your life. (old hippie saying)

Good luck.

barb dwyer

Aldo -
it's 'normal' to be able to recall every detail of that day wehn we're older.

It's NOT 'normal' ...
to be unable to move ahead when we're older.

It's NOT 'normal'...
to stay in the same place blaming an event so long ago for our continued suffering.

I agree -
have you gone back to the Fellowship to move on?
Counseling?
Group?

Captain Kirk

fair enough.

but, do you think it's right that they never even appologized to me at least? not that that would really change much for me anyways.

and why do they treat my brother so diffrently. they favour him! just because he never had any of the difficulties i had.

all anyways. plenty of stuff for me to think about now.

Lilya

I think it will be more interesting to you when you don´t need them to apologize.

I also think it will be more healing to let go of resenting the fact they favored your brother.

Check out self help books on the matter, or check with a good therapist. Dwelling on these issues will not get you anywhere, it would benefit you more to work through them.

barb dwyer

Aldo wrote: sweetie - OF COURSE I don't think it's right.

But it's ALSO not 'right' to be dwelling on it
and making life decisions
(or... NOT making them)
as if it's still occurring.

Or be camped out emotionaly on the back porch
waiting to move forward until you get one
from those who apparently
are never going to give one, either.


What's done is done.

I think counseling would help you learn how to move forward.

Captain Kirk

does anybody think i could take them to court? get some money out of them at least (even though no ammount of money would ever repair me)

Captain Kirk

p.s: it's a shame they don't have the death penalty here.

Drapetomaniac

Well aldo my parents divorced when I was quite a bit younger, I don't remember any of it. My mother remarried when I was 14 and the man she married threw me out shortly after the marriage. I ended up on the street and using drugs. I'm also in my thirties now. I completely and totally blame my parents for how things turned out because that's reality, there is no excuse for what happened. They'll never apologize and I don't expect them too either. I avoid having any sort of relationship with them in any way and bear no feelings of love or ill will towards them, they're just people. One thing I came to realize was that even though they put me there I'm the one keeping myself there, so I can't blame them for every action, sure a few years of it as a child and starting using drugs, totally their fault but I keep myself in addiction.

I also have a brother who is the favourite.

If you can take them to court do it, that's a great idea.

Captain Kirk

hi Draptomaniac!
i'm sorry to hear about that.
i can't understand how people can be so selfish and so blind. just reading around the internet shows there are a hell of allot of irresponsabile parents in this world.
if ever i were to have kids i'd value their life more then my own.
as somebody else has also said, they won't appologize - ever. from their point of view they've done nothing to harm me.
did you ever tell them you blame them for the outcome of your life?

like you i don't love or hate my parents.
i'm not talking to them at the moment either. i havn't been talking to my dad for about 3 months now. and my mom 2 months. they can't even understand why i'm mad at them! i keep getting emails from my mom, but i'm not replying to them.
i kinda miss talking to them. but that's all. because for many years now our relationships have been based on small talk. i'm not worse, or better off, without them. nothing's changed except that we don't talk or email anymore. big deal. they'll live. i'll live. the world will go on.

so, if you don't mind me asking, what kind of a relationship do you have with your brother? i casually talk to my bro, although we rarely see each other because we live far away. i'm thinking about cutting my bro off too. we've never really been close like most bros are.

yea, i guess we do keep ourselves in addiction - but only because we don't know better. we grew up alone, without any rolemodels.

i'm going to look into the court thing. "moral damages" or something, if it's possible. i can't function in sociaty and get a job (plus i don't have any qualifications anyway. where i live i can't even get a job sweeping the streets because of this) and pay my bills and have a normal life because they've broken me.

Fortlow

What happened to you as a child was out of your control and perhaps your parents deserve some blame in that. But you're grown now and in charge of your life meaning you decide how the rest of it goes. You can choose to continue living it in bitterness and anger, waiting for retribution that may never come, or continue on, looking ahead, improving your life for the better. I've found resentment, no matter how badly the person hurt me or deserving of blame they are, has never served me well, and hurt me more than the person or persons I resented. You may not have chosen to be an addict but the choice is yours as to how you live the sober life. It's normal to go over the past, and even to dwell on it, but it's not healthy for you to live there. I would consider getting into a recovery program or seeing a therapist who can help you deal with your resentment and/or find a creative outlet for it so it doesn't eat you alive.

Just my objective opinion.

Drapetomaniac

With my parents it's a mutual understanding that we don't really talk to each other. I feel no need to get to know them or have any relationship with them at all. So I don't miss talking with them. It's been a long time probably about six or seven years since we've really talked about anything. Since I was 15 most of my conversations with them consisted of very little. My parents are very religious so most conversations end in them talking religious gobbly g ook and quoting the bible. I have no interest in that. For many years I was angry at my parents, now I don't think about them at all, unless someone raises the topic. It's ok to be angry, being angry is part of being a human being. Just no insane revenge plans ok

I see my parents as not being intentionally evil, they made mistakes and were selfish like all people are. I actually let my mom's husband marry my wife and I, ten or so years ago, he's a minister. I thought it would be nice for them and they're old people, you should always try to be nice to old people . They should be hittin' the retirement home soon and I ain't visiting them when they do.

My parents actually believe that I 'ran away' rather then I was kicked out. The whole selective memory thing ya know, they don't remember my mom's husband chucking me down a flight of stairs and telling me never to come back. My mom once had the nerve to tell me that she didn't worry about me when I was on the street because she knew, "God would take care of me". Comments like that are why we don't talk. Why try to reopen a wound that has already healed?

My brother and I aren't very close. We live in the same city now. We have a casual relationship. I've never been angry at him as none of this was any fault of his. When I go over to his place he usually makes me something to eat, which is cool. We're both computer nerds so we talk about that a lot when we get together.

Drapetomaniac

It's funny how close our situations are. We both even have a 'favourite' brother!

least

I guess this isn't truly an 'objective opinion' as this same stuff affects my mother (thus affecting me) and is the reason she's lived, or rather wasted, so much of her life being a 'victim'. My dad cheated on her, then divorced her, nearly 41 yrs ago but it's as fresh to her as if it had happened yesterday. She'll NEVER forget it and blames it for all that's wrong in her life now. I get so sick to death of hearing the same sob story constantly but don't say much anymore cause she'll just cry if it appears that I'm 'defending' my cheating dad.

But it pains me and makes me so sick of it to hear her constant referrals to it... almost to the point of mentioning the very time of day when he left.

I long ago forgave my dad for those transgressions: partly out of love for him and partly cause I didn't want to be refused admission into 'heaven' for having not forgiven "those who sin against us".

Aldo, I'd suggest you forget about suing your parents for money and just sell the pity pot you're sitting on. You're stuck in the past, no wonder things won't/don't get better for you - you're living way back then, not in 'today'.

I hated my dad for a long time but noticed my life felt better once I sincerely forgave him for his actions. What it is is what it is. Dwelling on the past will keep you stuck there and is very unhealthy for living in the present. I'd recommend a good counselor to move past this old old crap and get on with your life.

least

You can't be serious...



The death penalty for what?? Bad parenting? Divorce? If that were the case then my youngest would be stringing me up on the gallows right now, laughing and singing at my impending demise.

I can't say this enough: get over it and move forward. It's working for me.