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Old 04-20-2009, 07:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Yesterday was interesting. I overate and was really anxious. I was awake for about 24 hours.

I have to go to work soon.

I wanted to get some more sleep...I need it.

I'm still anxious. This anxiety makes me feel afraid of a lot of things. It kills my motivation.

The pink cloud is gone.

I'm hanging in there the best I can. Therapy tomorrow (I hope).
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Old 04-20-2009, 12:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Bam,

How are you?

Damned anxiety and insomnia are 2 of my most hated plagues!

I hope you do have therapy today and get some relief.
Sometimes counseling stirs things up and I get anxious about that big time...but ultimately hope it will help me heal my demons.

You have had alot going on.

Be kind to yourself, you are a great lady!

I went grocery shopping last night, made sure the snacks I brought home were frozen fruits....I munched on frozen cherries last night....and frozen fruit juice bars. I saw that you are on the obvious sugars thread! WOW!
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Old 04-20-2009, 02:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hello, live.


I bounced onto that thread, but I have yet to put the chocolate down.

I have a session tomorrow. I hope it can recharge my batteries.
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Old 04-21-2009, 04:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Anxious this morning...I go to my appointment soon.

I'm tired of being afraid. How can I make that feeling go away? It's strong enough to stop me in my tracks. Feeling afraid is something I've never been able to control. I've been this way for far too long. Nearly everything is making me nervous today...I don't want to leave the house, but I will.
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Old 04-22-2009, 02:18 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Not so good day today. I go to the doctor next week and I am to ask for a bump in my medication.

*rant begin* All it took to set me off was one person at work who happend to say a slur in reference to gays. I am not out at work. I stopped laughing and smiling and walked away...was in a funk...and then a customer cussed to me and I lost it. I refused to deal with the public for the rest of the day. Long story short, I wasn't happy and all I wanted to do was get away from that place and the people in it. People kept asking me what was wrong. I pretty much ignored them. I was offered a percocet, weed, and alcohol today for free by someone who wanted to "cheer me up". I had to keep repeating, "I can't". This person knows I'm on mental medication and when I mentioned that again the person said, "So am I, but I still drink and smoke up." WTF?! *rant over*

I'm glad I'm at SR right now.
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Old 04-23-2009, 11:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Turn around for today. Much better mood. Don't I just love mood swings! Yeah, right.


I hope I can make myself post an update here everyday just to see how things are and maybe note my triggers.

I'm not good at keeping up with stuff like this. I tried journaling in a notebook, but that only lasted for about a week. I'm at SR nearly every day, so there really isn't a reason I can't post in this thread. I know how I am, though. I'll try...
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Old 04-24-2009, 02:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Day started out okay.

Stomach got upset as soon as I got to work. Not good.

Once my stomach felt better, the nasty, negative mood stayed.

I hate those hopeless feelings. It was such that I hated everything about me today.

I felt like giving up. I don't like that. That leads to dangerous thoughts. Don't worry about me, though. If I get bad I'll do what I did before which was call my doctor.

Now I'm at SR. I'm not happy, but I'm doing a little better. I'm anxious for next week to come. I go to my doctor Monday and am going to ask for a bump up in my current med and ask for a non-benzo anti-anxiety med. Obviously I cannot have anything that I can abuse.
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Old 04-25-2009, 01:47 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Bam I love the way you describe your mood swings, I seem to be reacting in a similiar way at the moment, it happens so quickly and sometimes for no reason at all that I can see.

I think it might be time for me to finally get a check up on my meds, but I know what the result of seeing the dr will be, an increased dosage of what I'm already taking or a swop about.

I'm not sure if there are any anti depressants I haven't tried lol

I may have to face the fact that either depression isn't my problem or ssri drugs just don't help me.

Anyway sorry to ramble on, its so good to see you posting on this thread everyday, it is such a good idea.

Look after yourself x
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Old 04-25-2009, 05:39 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi Bam, I just wanted to jump in and say you're not alone! My anxiety started up yesterday. I have been tracking my moods and yesterday I finally had the bright idea to actually take a look at what it was telling me. Definitely hormonal cycle involved. Very sad to finally see that the last three arguments (and ensuing breakup) with g/f were exactly on the same cycle day when the mood dips and the anxiety sets in! It's like clockwork, every month. Yesterday I noticed that by the time I was done with my 3rd cup of coffee, the anx had set in. Then it got worse throughout the day in spite of doing all the "right" things. Then I ate chocolate. I'm thinking it made things worse. My plan to counter-attack: for today, in addition to all the other stuff I"m doing to take care of me, I'm going to stay away from anything that has caffeine type stimulants, will drink relaxing herbal teas, and will eat/drink more calcium rich foods and supplements as well. I did find some relief last night by attending an online meeting (unfortunately the good effect was blown to heck by a neighborhood disturbance at midnight!) A friend also mentioned the phase of the moon is having an effect... crazy but seems to be true for me! Yet another thing to track! And of course, now I probably need to face (ex) g/f about this stuff. Hope you are doing better.
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Old 04-25-2009, 01:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by allport View Post
I think it might be time for me to finally get a check up on my meds, but I know what the result of seeing the dr will be, an increased dosage of what I'm already taking or a swop about.
Hello, allport.

Let me know how it goes.



Quote:
Originally Posted by evmdimples View Post
My plan to counter-attack: for today, in addition to all the other stuff I"m doing to take care of me, I'm going to stay away from anything that has caffeine type stimulants, will drink relaxing herbal teas, and will eat/drink more calcium rich foods and supplements as well.
Hello, evmdimples.

I need to cut out the caffeine, too. And all the processed sugar I’ve been eating. I’ve always been bad with my diet, so I’ll see how it goes.




Today wasn’t too bad. I’m okay today.

The only thing that bothered me is that I opened the fridge when I got home and there was a bottle of wine.

Funny…my mom was always the one nagging me about my drinking, yet she’s waving it in my face.

I don’t think it’s intentional, but it’s really pissing me off.

I need to move out of this house pronto. I hope I can get some money saved quickly. I plan on making some phone calls next week to see about housing assistance and I'll be looking at the classifieds. With any luck, I’ll be out of here in a few months.
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Old 04-25-2009, 01:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I used to love to write and kept volumnous diaries...but my privacy was invaded too many times....
however since I am working with a new counselor I have decided to at least log/ track things as you and some others are.
I feel sure it will be helpful.
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Old 04-25-2009, 01:54 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I used to love to write and kept volumnous diaries...but my privacy was invaded too many times....
however since I am working with a new counselor I have decided to at least log/ track things as you and some others are.
I feel sure it will be helpful.
Hello, live.


Yeah, I think it is helpful. I don't know who started that around here, but it's a great idea.
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Old 04-26-2009, 10:52 AM   #13 (permalink)
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A little angry today...I don't know why but my mom is really getting on my nerves today. Sometimes I irritate easily.

It's hot here. What happened to spring?

I don't work today. I'm going to eat and sleep. Diet change tomorrow. Not today. Don't feel like it.
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Old 04-26-2009, 12:42 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Isn't Sunday the day for rest and refreshment?
Enjoy!
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Old 04-28-2009, 01:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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No desire to drink.

I just don't care. I'm empty.
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Old 04-30-2009, 02:59 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Last couple of days haven't been good. I need to talk to my therapist about suicidal thoughts I've been having (don't worry, I'll call someone if I get desperate). I'm afraid to talk to her about it because I don't want to be involuntarily committed. I haven't made any plans and have not made any attempts, but I do think about it. I know that thinking about this isn't normal/healthy.

I cannot afford to be locked up for any amount of time...I simply do not have the money and don't need debt added to my frustrations.

I'm hesitant to talk about this with her because I don't want her to report me. I don't know what to do.
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Old 04-30-2009, 05:49 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Hi Bam, what is said between you and your therapist stays between you two. She wont have you committed, she can only contact the authorities if you give specific where/when you are planning to do it. And like you said, you dont have plans. Suicide ideation can be a coping technique but it is not a very healthy one to use too much. Please talk to her about it, she can probably help. Stay strong and take care
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Old 05-01-2009, 05:57 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Thanks, adore.



Today was pretty good. I'm tired of these mood swings. I'm a yo-yo.
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Old 05-02-2009, 10:31 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Not so hot today. Weak. No motivation. No energy. Don't care.

I don't like being apathetic, but that's what I am right now. I hope this goes away soon.

I don't want to be around anyone today. I don't want anyone to see me and I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to people on the phone or in person.

Funny thing is, I had a drinking dream last night. Do I want to drink now? Interstingly enough, no. I haven't wanted to drink at all this week. I don't know why I don't feel like it, but that's nothing to be happy about. It feels weird. I'm almost 6 weeks sober? I'm not sure. I didn't write down the date when I quit.

I'm not making any progress at all. Nothing is helping. I can tell my med is not working like it first was. What a disappointment. I'm tired of trying.
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Old 05-04-2009, 07:15 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Didn't post yesterday...been up and down since. Therapy tomorrow, I think. I hope they didn't screw up my appointment.
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