ClayTheScribe

I hear ya on the food consumption problem. What drug or drugs are you on that reduce your appetite? I could go for that. I think my Geodon and Lithium make me eat too much because I've had a hard time keeping off the weight since I started them, but I'm hesitant to tell my psychiatrist. I'm thinking of finding a new psychiatrist.

Congratulations on feeling better this week, you even sound better on your post.

Take care,

Clay

Bamboozle

Hello, Clay. I'm on generic Wellbutrin. It has taken a few weeks for the appetite suppression and dampening of cravings to kick in. I still have to watch what I eat every day, but it really has helped.

Bamboozle

I am grateful for this place...as soon as I logged onto SR...I felt calmer.


Today...oh...today...




...started out great. I got a bump up in my generic Celexa...and even felt a little giddy a couple of hours this morning. I felt fine until the end of my shift...and things went south pretty quickly after I got home.

I went out to take some pictures and didn't have any luck...besides, my heart wasn't into it.

Everything I write here...I'm going to type out for my therapy session on Wednesday. Something else to go in my file...

There is no mystery to life. I have it all figured out...in the sense that I don't know the ultimate truth...but that doesn't matter because no one knows and quite probably will never know. I have a fairly good idea of what it doesn’t entail…that’s all. So that's out of the way...but it's still depressing.

I have quite the imagination and I love fantasy. Reality looks awfully boring to me. I wish there was magic...but everything indicates that it doesn't exist. Everything is in boring order...cause and effect...science works...blah, blah, blah. I know some understand this and think it's wonderful. The truth for me? It leaves me feeling empty.

Am I turning in my "A" card? No. Do I believe things simply because I want them to be true? No. I lost the ability to do that a long time ago.

Nothing is exciting.




I know what the most important thing in life is…relationships.

Everything else is just filler.



I can go outside with my camera and capture what other people miss. And….so what?



...Other people…people who have others in their lives. People who have relationships. People who have happiness. People who aren’t alone...I see them all the time...everywhere I go. It is a constant reminder of what I don't have and desperatly need.



No more friends….everyone else around me is socially adjusted. I’m completely socially inept. Is there supposed to be a handbook for this? Or is this something people naturally have……or don’t?

Who am I? Am I male? Am I female? Am I both? Am I both at the same time? Am I either one whenever?

All I know is that I have the female parts…and I love talking to women…being near women. I love how they smell…how they act…how they talk. I love that they are sensitive. I love how they react to me…but it’s never more than I need or want it to be. The ones I like are straight…and they can never see me in the way they see men.

It’s terrible…I feel like I have the wrong pieces and it’s all mashed together. Nothing fits…and it’s a mess.

How am I supposed to fix this?


Why can’t I fit in anywhere? Why am I such a reject?

Bamboozle

Thanks, DW.

Bamboozle

I feel better after having therapy today.

My therapist is so easy to talk to.

I don't have much to say right now about what I posted before...I'm still digesting thoughts.

Bamboozle

Gee...haven't posted here in awhile.


Not a good night tonight...I hope I can come to peace with myself. If I can't do that I won't make it...so I better bust my a$$ and make it happen. Therapy ought to be interesting Monday. I will sit down and write out my thoughts tonight and tomorrow and take it with me.

In a way I'm grateful for my sad mood tonight...it's forcing me to look at something I've been avoiding for a long time...my identity. Too bad I don't know what it is. I hope I can work through this.

Bamboozle

Why does this always happen? Right before therapy I feel like a steaming lump of feces with corn chunks.

Last night my bad mood came out of nowhere. I had absolutely no hint it was coming. I hate that.

I cried a lot last night and this morning.

I'm feeling lonely again. I need companionship and I don't know how to get it. I don't know what to do and I'm tired of feeling this way. I don't have a sexy bone in my body. Can I pick something up in the store? Some kind of magic elixir that can give me sexy? I'd be willing to pay out the ass for it. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have desires...but I do and need to act on the desires...but have no one to act with. There's only so much I can do myself. (if you're laughing now it's okay)

I wish I didn't feel at all.

I felt so good for about a week until last night. I'm smoking a lot of cigs again. I'd like to quit that soon...but not now.

At least I'm still sober. I think I've just passed the 4 month mark but I won't make it official until tomorrow. It's easier for me to remember the 1st of every month.

And I haven't been sleeping well...even when I was feeling really good. I don't know why...maybe I need to cut out the caffeine again. I'm tired enough to sleep but my mind won't let me.

Can't I just enjoy my day off? And I haven't gone on a photo outing in about two weeks. When I'm off the weather doesn't cooperate. When I'm at work the weather is beautiful.

And the rain won't stop. Gray clouds everywhere and I'm sitting on one today.

ClayTheScribe

I'm so sorry you're feeling low, that's the cycle of depression and it will pass. I was feeling suicidal last week and now I feel pretty good. I hear you loud and clear on the loneliness front. If I had a magic potion to make you feel sexy, I'd give you some and take some myself ;-) Sexy comes from within not without and it's developed by gaining confidence, which is done by repeatedly doing what you love and taking pride in it. But I think what you need now more than anything are friends or a friend? Do you any anywhere? Often times when I feel lonely, wanting intimacy, I really just want to be around a good friend. If you want to stop feeling lonely you'll have to find friends, which means going out or going to your nearest big city and hitting the clubs. Or joining a Meetup group, in your case one for photogs. Have you tried finding people to connect with on Match.com or OKCupid (it's free). I've made some friends on there. I've also made friends on MySpace and Facebook. That might be an easier way for someone like you with social anxiety than having to meet people face to face. I've learned to get past some of my social anxiety by just forcing myself to put myself out there, no matter how uncomfortable it is. Tonight I'm going to a journalists' dinner and I have to network. I hate networking because I'm an introvert, but I'm forcing myself to do it because I have to if I want a chance at a job. If you want a chance at romance and sex, you have to force yourself to put yourself out there. And don't let the rejections stop you (I'm still struggling with that).

Perhaps you're not effectively dealing with your emotions and need more time with your therapist. But I definitely know the feeling. If you didn't feel at all, sure you wouldn't feel pain, but you wouldn't feel joy either. It's a trade-off, one I was decrying last week.

I always make it a rule that I don't drink caffeine after 1 p.m. Otherwise I can't get to sleep at night without sleeping pills (you may look into those--I take Trazedone, an antidepressant but there's also Lunesta and Ambien). Exercise is also critical to getting a good night's sleep. I haven't exercised all this week and I can tell with my sleep. Just 15-30 minutes a day can achieve the desired effect. Also taking vitamin D, at least 1,000 I.U. a day, and calcium helps me with my sleep a lot. I always feel more refreshed the next day. You might also get into the habit of meditating or praying before you go to bed for like 20-30 minutes, and do deep breathing exercises, just to calm your mind down.

I have to tell you I can't sympathize with you here. Rainy weather is not a good excuse not to shoot. There's still much in nature to be shot when the weather is bad, the least of which is lightning. Nothing should get in the way of an artist and her art. Plus whoever you work for or when you open a gallery is going to want to see a range of work, shooting in different environments at different times. And if you want to freelance for most newspapers and magazines you're going to have the photograph people eventually to show you can do that. People are a part of nature even if we tell ourselves we're not. You can probably shoot some interesting people down at the bus stop or bus depot or just outside a restaurant. It would be interesting to capture how people look and behave on a rainy day. I know some photographers who get great shots when the weather is crappy. Don't let that get in your way of your art. Part of being a photographer is capturing the world however it is, not just when the sun is shining.

At the very least you can stay in and write. I've learned not to brood and sit around and do nothing when I'm depressed but to get active in something I love to do.

I'm in your corner, now you have to get in your own.

:ghug3

Bamboozle

I have to disagree with you on this one.

My camera does not do well in low lighting...there's too much noise and the quality is unacceptable.

Besides...I can't get it wet.

Clay, I'm feeling better now. Those bad feelings crop up every once in a while...it's just what happens. I cry a lot and ride it out. And my therapist is awesome. I always feel better after leaving the office.

Bamboozle

Grumble for the weekend:


Called my doctor Friday and asked for a bump up in one of my meds...an SSRI...something I couldn't possibly abuse or get high off of. I need a bump because I've been getting swings again lately and these are likely to get worse. The feelings of hopelessness, the f*ck its, the wanting to die/kill myself has come back. Not good. It's not as bad right now as it could get, so that's why I want the bump up as soon as possible. No, I have to wait until I go to my therapy session first before he talks to her and then makes a descion as to whether or not he thinks I need a bump up.

ClayTheScribe

Well that's good you're taking control of your treatment. I wish I could say the same for myself in the past few weeks.

Have you thought about or do you currently take a mood stabilizer? I know you're not bipolar but it could help.

Bamboozle

Hey, Clay.

Not to that point yet. If I can't find something that works fairly consistent I'm sure it will be an option.

Bamboozle

I can't live alone anymore.

I can't do this.

I'm suffocating.

I need physical contact and human bonding.

Maybe I should pay for sex...be better than nothing. Take the money I use for mental therapy and get some physical therapy instead. That's all I'm missing. I only care about my family and getting laid. Nothing else matters to me....everything else is filler. My needs are not being met. More pills won't help fix what's truly missing.

ClayTheScribe

I was proposing the same thing until a guy PMed me about how he had paid for sex and regretted it when he met the love of his life 3 years later. She wasn't too keen about it and he'd wished he'd saved his virginity for her and how he regrets losing it to a prostitute.

Start with making friends first, Bam. The more you make those type of connections, the better chance you have of them becoming more. Travel once a week to make friends if you have to. You'll never be comfortable with physical intimacy if you can't make friends first. Try online dating, that's a great way to make friends and partners. OKCupid is a free dating site.

If you feel you're so unworthy of others' affection that you have to pay someone for it, so be it. Just know there's a good chance you'll regret it later. I crave intimacy all the time but I don't want to go down the route of having impersonal, meaningless sex--not to mention contracting a STD--just to say I had it. That's not real or lasting intimacy. It'll probably just leave you hollow. As frustrating as it is some days, I'm waiting for someone with whom I have a connection, who appreciates and loves me to share that special moment. I know if I didn't have supportive friends, it would make it much more frustrating and harder to stick to that goal.

You'll find someone, Bam, you have a lot of great qualities. But you can't wait around for someone to bump into you. You have to go out and find her.

Bamboozle

I'm already hollow.

I don't need anymore friends...already had enough of those in my life.

I need a lover.

...and no one is attracted to me. Having a great personality isn't enough.

ClayTheScribe

Understood. Just know that often lovers start out as friends. And you can't say no one's attracted to you if you haven't put yourself out there. That's a black-and-white statement that probably doesn't hold true. People, especially people more mature around your age, can see past looks and love you for your personality. You just have to give them a chance to know you first.

If ultimately you feel like going to a prostitute, then go for it. Just know you might regret it later. You might want to try Craig'slist first though.

Just don't make this an impossible situation you can't get out of because you can. Find people to date online, find some lesbian chat rooms/forums/groups. You might be surprised when they do fall in love with your personality.

Bamboozle

No one has ever shown any interest, Clay. Not even men...not that I want one...but damn, no one has ever hit on me.

ClayTheScribe

Hey, I've only had a few women in my life hit on me, and it didn't always lead to anything. I've learned as a man that I can't expect women to come to me, I've got to go chase them. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean you should necessarily be the one who's chased all the time. Also, people are attracted to how you carry oneself, which means confidence, one thing I'm trying to work on. Maybe they didn't show that much interest in you because you didn't show that much interest in yourself. I know that certainly has been the case for me. And why do you expect to be hit on by a lesbian in a small town in West Virginia? How would they even know you're a lesbian? You've gotta branch out to the big cities and look there. In the meantime focus on qualities besides your looks and how you can strengthen them, how you can showcase them and how they can give you confidence.

It ain't gonna happen just sitting around and posting here. You said you had anxiety issues about meeting/approaching people. I do too, but I'm overcoming them with my therapist's help. And one of the reasons I suggested more friends, especially gay, bi and lesbian friends, is that they know people, can vouch for you and introduce you to someone special. It's happened to me before. Nonetheless, you gotta be proactive. While I dearly feel your pain, our pity parties aren't going to do much besides get us pity, not romance, intimacy or sex.

Faerie

Bam,

I'm so sorry you are still so lonely.

Just remember that this Aussie girl loves you very much,

Kel xx

Bamboozle

I have to call bull$hit on this one. I like myself and people like being around me. I joke around a lot and people are always bothering me because they like talking to me. If I didn't have any confidence people would leave me alone.

Clay, the reality is that people only see me as a friend and nothing more.



Fine. I won't post anymore. Peace.