Live

I am tired of trying too....but the only person that gets hurt when I hurt is me.....and I did make a commmitment to volunteer working with kids....so I am on the fake it til I make it plan...maybe I can help make a difference for them.....that does feel great to me!

Bamboozle

Oops...skipped a day.

Today was mostly okay...really bad mood swing in the morning.

jamdls

Plan on doing something really special just for YOU this weekend. Cook yourself a great dinner (or get take out) and eat by candlelight; sit in a bubblebath surrounded by candles and your favorite music playing; get a pedicure or manicure; just do something for YOU.

Bamboozle

Hello, jamdls.

I'll probably be taking some pictures today, tomorrow and this weekend. Being outside with my camera helps me to hold onto my sanity.

Bamboozle

I'm tired of being fat. I looked in the mirror this morning at my stomach and wanted to puke. I'll change my diet again.


I'm pissed off now...not because I'm fat...but my mood changed again.

I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and I just can't get my brain to shut up. I don't like anything about me...and all I want to do is get away from myself.

I'm not normal...and I don't give a sh!t if that bothers anyone that I say that. I want to be normal! I'm tired of being stuck in this mind. I am trapped.

jamdls

I used to always feel that way Bam and sometimes still do but I decided that being normal was BORING. I don't look in mirrors much anymore and just the thought of seeing myself naked is gross, I was sitting outside watching the grass grow...or die as the case may be... and I caught my reflection in the glass doors, I weigh more now than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter, not a pretty sight and the main place I gain weight is in the middle. But that's just the way it is.
We can't change the way we are but we can change the way we think about things.
Hope your weekend gets better.

OceanBound

Well, you got 2 choices: accept the situation as is or change. And it looks like you've chosen change. Problem is it takes time. It's never impossible unless there is an underlying medical issue but it's hard and gets harder as we age. The "safe" weight loss is about 1-2 lb a week. You need diet (and I don't mean starvation but cutting out the crap like fast food, sugar, fruit juices, etc.) And it's obviously very hard for a recovering addict. And exercise and your foot here is giving you the finger. But maybe what I suggested in the other thread: swimming or biking should take pressure off the foot and let it heal. But ultimately it's how much you want it and not how much you hate the way you look now. You have to want to go through all the steps and plateaus.

Good luck and keep us posted!
OB

Bamboozle

It's the mind that I want to be normal. I cannot control my thoughts.

I don't like being fat, but I can deal with that. What I cannot deal with is the recurring suicidal thoughts. My therapist knows about this, so no one worry.

OceanBound

Sorry, that's much worse. Dose your therapist suggest anything? I was suicidal several times before and it was learning to accept myself and like something about myself and the life that I hated that made me stop thinking about suicide.

Good luck!

OceanBound

One more thing. I just saw your post in Cafe Central. This is also one of the best coping mechanisms, finding something to laugh about. I personally make a point to do it every day, reading jokes, looking at lolcats online, whatever works to make me smile, even if it's through tears.

Bamboozle

Hello, OB. Sometimes laughing is all I can do.



I'm okay right now...I shouldn't be neglecting this thread, though. My mood swings are still all over the place. I'm glad I'm thinking clearly at the moment.

My thinking is really messed up when I'm hopeless. My meds have been shuffled around a bit, so I hope the change helps. And I fear I'm close to relapse. I've been really hanging on tough the last couple of weeks. Time goes by so slowly...

Bamboozle

I notice that my mood generally starts out really well in the morning...and then steadily goes down throughout the day and is usually really bad in the evening throughout the night. I don't take my anti-d pill until about mid morning or a little after...so is it now having a reverse effect or simply not working at all? Does it matter?

I'm going to give my current cocktail two more weeks. If there is no improvement, I'm telling my doctor that I'm weaning myself off of the meds. I will continue to take my blood pressure medication. I will continue therapy (I cut it to every other week because I'm poor).

I really don't give a sh!t right now...I'm just going through the motions because everyone else says I should. I keep putting off doing something drastic/stupid/permanent in the (false?) hopes that things will eventually improve. I'm hanging on the best I can.

I'm tired. It's been a long day. I'm sure I'll wake up feeling fine tomorrow and start out with the best of intentions to fight off the bad for as long as I can.

OceanBound

Hey Bam!

Are there any triggers of these moods: things happening, your thoughts wandering some place, a pattern of thinking, etc.? You said you've been writing those down, any common themes? If you can figure those out, you might gain control over them.

Cutting therapy is fine as long as there is a plan of what you need to do in those 2 weeks. Therapy is work. I know it's the last thing you wanna do now, but healing doesn't just happen. So as long as you talk with the therapist about what you should be doing and kinda bring back your homework (even if everything seemed to fail) to the next meeting, you'll be fine.

I don't know what to say about meds, I'm not a fan of them myself. The doctor will know better when and how to adjust them. But generally, it takes at least 2 weeks to see any improvement with a new antidepressant, often longer if the dose is not right. If you get side effects, you usually will see them sooner.

I don't know what else to say. Please hang in there! :ghug3

Bamboozle

I'm going to stop taking my meds. I'll talk to my doctor about it Monday.

Dee74

I'm not an expert, and this post should not be seen as any kind of experience based advice, but you are my friend - and I think your earlier idea here was better:


You said yourself your meds were shuffled around recently - has there been enough time to accurately gauge effects?

We've talked about faith before and hanging in there, giving things a chance to 'work'.
S'ok, I'm not going to do it again LOL.

I know you're sick of it, I know you're frustrated, I know you don't want to wait another day...but feeling like this:

is probably not the best mental space to make decisions, Bam.


Like I say - I'm not an expert, just going on my gut.
I have very little experience with therapy and meds.

I self medicated my demons.
It didn't turn out so well.

Ok you've given it a week rather than two.
Maybe one more week mightn't make a difference - I dunno.

Just please make sure, no matter what happens, that you talk to your therapist first...tell them what you want, but listen to what they say too...have *something* in place besides just weaning/stopping ok?

hugs
D

Bamboozle

Thanks, D.

I'm not liking the sexual side effects. I'm dead from the waist down. I've lost interest.

I'd rather not trade off one set of ills for another...so if I have to I'll add more therapy sessions.

I'm not sure what to do, but killing my libido doesn't solve my problems...it makes things worse.

Dee74

agreed LOL

good luck Bam
D

Bamboozle

Hello, DW.

I've been too tired to walk lately...I think it's the meds.

I'm still going outside to take pictures, though.

I'm okay today...I have therapy in less than an hour.

How are you doing today?

Bamboozle

105 degrees? Ouch! I couldn't survive in that.

Take it easy, DW.

Bamboozle

I knew I would do this...I haven't posted here every single day like I said I would.

The last week has gone fairly well. My mood has been pretty stable...and I just got a bump up in one of my meds.

The newer one I'm on has some good and bad side effects. The bad is that I feel tired all the time and weak...but the good is that my appetite has significantly decreased and my cravings for sugary stuff has gone down as well.

I did blow my diet today , but I have been losing weight pretty well over the last month. Don't worry, I'm not starving myself. If I don't eat regularly I really notice it in my moods or energy level...but at least these pills have made me feel a little nauseous if I eat too much. What a relief to have the food demon calm down and nearly be silenced. I knew it was bad, but I didn't realize how bad until I've been able to catch a break. This must be what it feels like to have a normal appetite and not really have an issue with cravings.

I don't care what people say...I know food consumption can be an addiction for some. It has been harder for me to challenge my food issues than for me to quit drinking.

Ugh. I still have a long way to go.