SistersHelp

My sister, a narcotics addict, was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder many years ago. Her case is quite severe; she is emotionally unstable and unpredictable, and highly impulsive. She has episodes of acute paranoia and has made some hideous (false) accusations against family members of abuse in the past. I have read and read and read about this disorder as well as addiction, and find the literature contradictory in some ways.

Until recently, my sister and I have had a somewhat close relationship. Although I have always had to spend a LOT of time talking her off various emotional ledges, she has trusted me, at least to some degree, in the past. She has been of the opinion that our parents are evil people who are toxic and abusive. (Just to be clear, my parents were strict but NOT abusive. They definitely lost their patience with her at times throughout her childhood but their actions, like forcing her into inpatient care, and even eventually kicking her out of the house, were done with love and for good reason.)

I've spent a lot of time trying to help her see that they love her and that their reasons for the things they do ARE based in trying to help her. (For example, although she is 30 they have supported her for her entire life but recently they decided not to give her any more cash money, only specific items like food and clothing that she needs.)

She still sees them as evil. When she entered rehab in mid-June, suddenly she seems to have decided that I am evil too. She has been absolutely paranoid about me turning her daughter, who is living with me, against her.

On Sunday we had a horrible scene at the rehab centre. My sister asked me for cigarette money and I told her no. She was crying in front of her daughter and accusing me of having no compassion, of doing nothing to support her efforts (in spite of the fact we'd arrived with all kinds of gifts and that I am trying to raise her daughter!). A little while later she took her daughter into her bedroom at the rehab centre and I heard them whispering. Her daughter (11), bless her heart, was offering to give her mother her allowance money and her mother said she would take it.

Then, because the wallet was in my car, they came out of the bedroom and made some excuses to try and get me to let them in the car without coming with them. I came along with them to prevent this money exchange from happening, and watched the eye-contact conversation going on between them. Then my sister asked her daughter if she had a new wallet and if she could see it. I know I should have found a better way to deal with this, but I just said, "Nice try, you're not getting her allowance," and shut the car door. At that point my sister began another hysterical episode, this time in front of all the staff and patients at the rehab centre, bemoaning how she could be burdened with such a terrible family, one that would accuse her of doing something so horrible. She was crying and carrying on and saying things like, "See? Here I am trying to change my life and THIS is how my family supports me, with false accusations that I would steal from my own child!" The scariest part was that as I was watching this drama unfold I was thinking, if I was any one of these people watching, I would believe my sister was telling the truth. If I hadn't heard it with my own ears, I would doubt myself. She's an absolutely brilliant actress.

So obviously what's going on here is a combination of the addiction and a mental illness. I can't seem to figure out where one ends and the other begins.

I'm just wondering (and venting, sorry) if there's anyone out there who has any first hand experience with BPD and can offer me any hope for improvement.

historyteach

Hi, sistershelp;
And welcome to SR and the MH forum!

I have no experience to share with BPD.
But, I do have experience with dual diagnoses. My son is a heroin addict and bipolar. He is on again/off again now, and is waiting for a bed in a year long facility now. It's a very difficult thing to deal with, and my heart goes out to you.

Here's some information about BPD from the Mayo Clinic;
Borderline personality disorder - MayoClinic.com
There is hope.
And I can tell you that, if she is being treated for both her substance abuse and her mental health issues together, she has a much better chance for successful rehabilitation. Age, too, helps stabilize those with both conditions.

I uge you to attend alanon or naranon meetings. You will get support in learning how to deal with the addiction side of your sister's problems, and learn how to set valid boundaries. Your neice would benefit from alateen. And you may get some helpful information from our naranon forum here, on SR too. Here's the link:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tance-abusers/

I wish you well. Please let us know how things progress.

Shalom!

ladyamalthea

Not to bombard you, as I posted on the other thread too, but I just wanted to give you a little insight about what the people at rehab probably thought as they watched all of this.

First of all, at most rehabs, you are not supposed to give the patients money. My parents used to smuggle money to my sister, supposedly for snacks, as my sister is a very picky eater and did not like the food that the rehab would cook. But they had to do it very quickly and quietly, because if they had been caught, my sister would have been dismissed.

There's a reason they don't want newly recovering addicts to have cash. And I'm sure you know what that reason is... lol.

So, as far as wondering what the rehab employees may have thought... they probably knew exactly what she was doing, and they probably felt your pain, knowing how tough it is when a loved one asks you to do something that you know is bad for them. She was obviously wanting her daughter's money; otherwise, she would not have gotten so upset when you called her on it.

They've been around the block a few times with this thing. I'm sure they see stuff like this happen more often than you care to know.

I'm sorry she is putting you through this, and I'm praying for all three of you.

Just remember, you did the right thing. She can not, and will not fully recover until she sees no other way out.

*hugs and prayers*

SistersHelp

Thanks, both of you, very much for your thoughtful words and support. Because my sister is so intelligent and good with words, I frequently find myself in doubt of my own values and beliefs. She's able to make me second-guess myself at every turn in a way that no one else in this world can do. Having other people remind me that I'm doing okay is truly a help just in itself.

sct

I'm diagnosed as Borderline (among other things... I am dsm-iv alphabet soup) and an addict.

In my case, I did things in the following order, and so far I'm clean, and more sane than I was when I first got clean. (I can't speak for the time before I got clean, that's all pretty foggy.) I stopped using, started seeing a counselor and undergoing dialectical behavior therapy- which is a treatment specifically designed to treat borderline personality disorder- and that gave me the strength to go to meetings and find a sponsor in NA to work on stepwork there.

I guess what I can offer is that your sister likely doesn't have control over how she feels from day to day- and is struggling to find it, I know that I still struggle with even knowing what I feel at times, and it is very difficult to express what I don't understand. I find that I have a tendency to lash out negatively when I feel scared or unstable (which is usually ) A lot of the time when that happens, and I lash out, I'm not reacting to a specific person- rather to a situation that I don't have the skills to cope with yet. The important thing to remember is it's not your fault neither is it hers, but it is her responsibility to learn to live and deal with both her addiction and mental illness.

There are a couple of websites that I turn to that might help you understand what your sister is going through. Dialectical behavior therapy addresses some of the specific skill sets that borderline individuals tend to be lacking. I can only speak for me, of course, but I find it very helpful as a way to regulate my own feelings and corresponding behaviors.

A website run and maintained by DBT patients

Another definition of Borderline Personality Disorder (Personally, I feel that this is 'better' definition of what it's actually like vs. most clinical definitions.)

Hope any of this helps.

SistersHelp

It helps enormously and provides me with some hope that she can learn to manage her life in a more positive way.

sct

I definitely believe that it's possible to manage. I'm also unmedicated- which means I go a little nuts sometimes (more nuts than usual? ) but as an addict... I'm pretty sure I could find a way to abuse anything I was prescribed. The most helpful thing has been really working on using the tools I'm learning and the belief that while my HP might not restore me to textbook 'sanity' I can learn to live peacefully in the world.

Callie

My AH has bipolar (or so they think) and has a dual diagnosis. It's a very tough thing to deal with. I think the first thing that you need to do is protect that little girl. You do not have to visit your AS in rehab. Have her dd call her or whatever. I too second guess myself in almost every way with my AH. It's a tough road and one that nobody should have to go on in the name of a loved one.

duet_4-8

Check out this site for info:

Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

Sorry you are going through this. hugs to you!

sct

Very cool site.. I'll pass it on to some of the people in my life. Thank you.

sbehnke

I think you all have to step back. What if your daughter got 3rd degree burns all over her body, was undergoing graphing or what not - and all she wanted was a soda. Wouldn't you let her indulge?

Your sister is going through probably the hardest time in her life. You won't give her cigarette money - for what? Now's the time to take on giving up smoking too? She probably viewed that as an attack on her pain - which I would guess it was. You think she's faking this, or wants attention, or something - and that tough love of not giving her some smokes will help. What you're doing is not helping, but hurting - further invalidating her pain, and I would opine heartless. Mental pain is the same, if not worse, than physical pain. You need to understand that if you are to help your sister heal. People don't dismiss physical pain - you wouldn't tell a cancer patient to get over it - so why do that to your sister?

suki44883

FYI - This thread is almost a year old.