OMG, I thought I was the only one who thought that way.

I guess that's what they call racing thoughts.....

love the new avatar Doll....exactly how i feel most days....great story image...i'll have to try to do a self-portrait image like that now. so thanks for the inspiration. just perfect.

I understand the money issue with the sleep study, BUT can i suggest a little assignment that will cost you nothing?

If you're up for it....google "restless leg syndrom" (just like that in parenthasis, except spelled right as i don't know how to spell syndrom). And read about the symptoms....see if any of the symptoms of it are any of the wakefull things you are dealing with. If not, the do the same with "sleep apnea" (that one i know how to spell) and read how it affects a person in their wakeful hours.

Both are those kind of things like co-dependency that a person can be living with for years and years without ever realizing there is something making their life harder than it should be.

If neither seem to fit any of your symptoms of always tired and never feeling restful and the depression and fog and stuff....then just try googling "sleep disorders"

i know i'm harping on all of this, but when i was learning about my sleep apnea my pdoc started explaining how severly it can affect people without their ever knowing. He's even had patients he'd been treating for bipolar disorder and after the apnea diagnosis and treatment.....they never had to step foot in his office again or take another pill for their moods.

That kind of thing isn't very common, but i pass that story along to you b/c that is how dramatically sleep deprevation can screw up our lives and us never even have a clue.

btw....when i did my sleep study...it revealed that i stop breathing an average of once every minute, typically anywhere from 5-20 seconds each time. The longest time the recorded me having stopped breathing was for 40 seconds. I was shocked by that b/c i never even woke up (conciously anyway) and yet i'd be struggling to last even 30 seconds if i was trying to hold my breath b/c of my smoking/asthma/early emphazima!!

Anyway, wouldn't it be worth a few minutes if you found a cure for feeling so tired and depressed and down on yourself all the time??????? Actually, wouldn't your health and future happiness be worth paying off a $900 bill? Most of us pay much more for our cars.....isn't the health of your body and mind and spirit worth more than a used car?

(((((hugs)))))

Well.....yeah, I should spend more on me than my car but......I don't and I really don't know where I'd come up with the money. I will eventually do it I just can't right now.

Speaking of money......I'm going to attempt to sell some things on ebay. I'll list them either tonight or over the weekend. Cross your fingers for me. :)

I'm very positive that I don't have sleep apnea. My mother does, even though she doesn't believe me. I read a lot about it years ago. Her's has gotten better since she quit drinking but it's still there.

Interestingly enough, it was my sleep problem that I first mentioned to my doc. She said, are you stressed out? I immediately started crying.....it was when my mother was still actively killing herself with alcohol.....that's when I started seeing therapists and got on AD's. My complaint then, and still now, was that I never feel rested. I always wake up tired, no matter how many hours of sleep I got.

I will read today about RLS and Sleep Apnea. I know your right about this. Darn it!

I'm glad you like the avatar. I feel like that often.....heck for the last two years at least. May be even when I was in high school. Hopefully some day neither one of will have to feel like that.

hugs!

it all just hits to familiar with me...as for years and years i complained about never waking up feeling rested, no matter how much i slept. And if i slept 12 hours trying to feel rested then the docs and friends would say "oh, you sleept TOO much! And that's making you tired."

never understood that one.

anyway...it was my goofy brain trying to keep me alive while sleeping. So it would wake me up (just enough to get me to start breathing again) a gazillion times a night. I was never aware of that...as none of us are, but because my brain had to constantly keep waking me to the point of starting breathing again....well....no real rest was the result. I was truely operating in a severaly sleep-deprived state every day, day after day, month after month. And i had no clue.

Anyway, glad your mom has stopped the drinking and hope you feel better soon.

((hugs))

I did some reading and I most identify with REM Sleep Behavior Disorder.

I'll make some calls to some sleep labs and my insurance to double check what my cost would be. May be I could find someone to do it for a reduced rate.

Best wishes!

i'm not familiar with the REM Sleep Behavior Disorder. What are the main things about it that you recall?

Actually that's a good idea about calling some sleep study centers. I say this b/c the one i had mine done at was so nice and helpful. It was a privately owned company and they showed me very quickly that they aren't in it for the money. When going in a few different times to try a different mask i could get use to...i mentioned something to the doctor/owner about my dad having really bad sleep apnea and a machine given to him, but not having any idea what setting he needed to sleep with it on. Doc gave me his card and told me they have automatically adjusting machines that dad could borrow for a week for free...then bring it back to the clinic and they would download all the data and tell dad what setting he needed!! And for nothing!

Later, after loosing my job and insurance, my mask bascially broke (it's suppose to be replaced each year). I thought it was just one piece i'd need. i called them to ask the cost and they said no worries they would just give me the needed peice. When i went...they gave me a whole new mask!!! for free!!! Those things aren't cheap and i was even more surprized as i still had a long outstanding bill i hadn't yet paid to them (post-insurance costs).

So....i guess i'm saying...you never know what a phone call can bring sometimes or how unexpectedly nice and genuine even big companies can treat people. i definety was shocked, but i've also felt very highly of them ever since and would refer anyone to them in a heartbeat.

Random Acts of Kindness.

Got to love it!

Thanks Jena.

I listed some stuff on eBay last night. We'll see how much it brings in. It won't be more than $70 I suspect. I might hit some estate sales this weekend to see if I can find anything good.

Well, I sold some stuff on eBay. Not near enough to ever catch up. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my lack of money. I've been thinking of asking my mom for some but I hate asking for help.....especially money.

C has to be out of town this coming weekend and I nervous about being alone. I used to get very scared when I was at home alone and I usually drank so that I could just pass out and sleep. Obviously, I quit the drinking, thank goodness. My fears seemed to dissipate when I started taking AD's. I haven't had them for well over a year and a half but they seem to be back. I'm getting butterflies in my stomach when I think of being alone all weekend. I don't want to drink or anything, I'm just scared. Usually, on those nights when I was scared being alone at home, If I didn't drink I would go into a full panic attack. I really hope this rear isn't back.

I'm not sure what's going on with that. I've got a therapy appt. tonight so I'll bring that up. What else was I going to talk with her about? Does any one remember?

I'm almost out of my welbutrin and I don't have the money to get them refilled. I think I'll call my pdoc to ask if she's got any samples. Cross your fingers.

hugs.

what about staying with someone while C is gone? or asking someone to come stay with you? Is that an option?

If not, what about reading or planning ahead of time several projects or outings or rent several movies?

It is an option Jenna. My mom offers to stay with me when she knows I'll be alone. I'll actually be fairly busy which is good. I've got a funeral to go to on Saturday afternoon and then that evening my sister is having a bbq at her house for her birthday.

I'll be busy at work Monday and Tuesday. So, it'll all be good.

There are 3 beers left in the fridge from having company over this weekend. Yikes! I'll probably just throw them out.

I've got more news on the therapy front but don't have the energy right now to think that hard. More later.....

Please stay tuned. I've got an update coming soon and I'll need your input.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v11/jenmarks/tv.gif

love ya, pd. i suffered from a difficult depression in my late teens/early 20s. and my daughter suffers now. so i think i understand. support..

:kiss:

So here’s the deal. I went to therapy last week. I was running late so we only had about 30 minutes. We talked about normal stuff, how am I doing, how are the meds working, about how broke I am…..

Then with about 10 minutes left she says she doesn’t think I’m benefiting from therapy. I need to decide what exactly it is that I need or want to accomplish so we can work on that. I told her I’m just not really sure. I just want to be happy and like myself. She says the meds seem to be working I seem to be out of my really bad depression.

I told her that when I look into the mirror I don’t like myself. I almost don’t recognize myself. It doesn’t look like me. She asked what I don’t like. I said my face, my hair......and I’m overweight. She said that if I want to lose weight and exercise, I can. Or if I want to change my hair or makeup, I can. I just need to do it. She said I tend to want someone to “take care of me” and she can’t do that for me.

She said to call her when I think of what I really want to work on.

I cried. Not because I was hurt or mad at her but I was thinking to myself “I can’t even do therapy right.” I know that’s no way to think but that’s what came to my mind.

So, I guess I feel sort of abandoned. But may be I do just want someone to take care of me. Do I rely on her too much? I would say no, I didn’t even see her that much and mostly I just talked about stuff and I had her to listen and understand me. She acknowledged that but said it’s not going to get me anywhere.

She told me not to take it personally and I understand what she’s saying but I don’t know what I should do now. What DO I want to work on? I don’t think I understand how I can figure it out.

So, I guess I need some guidance on how do figure out who I really am and what I need or want out of life. I don’t mean like an answer to that question but how to get there, in my own mind.

Hi Jen,

As you know, I just found out about your ditty today - and I'm so glad to have read your latest post here.

Your latest experience with therapy mirrors my own - no kidding. The counsellor/shrink whatever and I would move through the 'crisis' and they would put it in my lap, and ask me what I wanted to work on. I thought that was their job! So, I too, would leave, and think that I had 'failed' therapy.

But, recently I found a guy who is in recovery, he's a doctor, and he leads relapse prevention groups in my area. I've started seeing him one-on-one. He's the most insightful man I've ever met, and he knows exactly where to guide the sessions. I finally found someone who speaks my language and who understands what's wrong with me.

I just wanted to share my own experience with you - I would hope that you continue to seek out professionals until you find someone who may be a better fit.

BTW, I understand what it's like to look in the mirror and be unhappy. I've felt that way for a long time. I'm outgrowing my clothes for the first time in my life, and I don't have the money for new ones. I always used to exercise, and I simply can't today. I still don't know what that's about. Maybe this is my time to work on my insides, and give my outsides a break. I dunno.

Anyway. Hang in there. Hugs.

we have seen so many psychiatrists and counselors and psychologists this past year with our daughter. they are all so different.

i agree with row - try to find one that fits. be picky. you deserve it..

hugs, k

well, I've seen a ton.

I do have a pdoc but she only does the meds stuff.
I like this therapist and I guess I think she's right. I need to figure out what I want. She says she can't help me. Makes me wonder what I WANT help with? It's very confusing.

okay...i'm going to have to write some thoughts before i finish reading all the responses but in three words:

YOUR THERAPIST SUCKS!!!!

Yes...sucks big time!

The things she said to you should NOT have been said and they came out of her own stupidity!!

First of all...you answered her questions about what you want and need!! You told her flat out that you don't like yourself. Right then she should have said...okay, lets focus on that for a while! But she shouldn't have had to even ask as she should have already known and should have already been helping you with self-esteem/self-love issues.

It's therapists like her that make so many people hate therapy!

Dang...i wish i could scream at her to wake up and get a clue.

You know....the next time just ONE more person tells me "you know if you really want to lose weight then just do it" then i'm going to tell them..."You know if you really don't want to be that stupid anymore you should just get a clue!"

I've heard SO many people say that and i want to smack some sense into each of them. Do they honestly think that a third (or whatever the current percentage is) of the U.S. is over-weight simply because we just don't try??? I mean really. If it was THAT easy as to just make a choice...then none of us would be over-weight and hating ourselves EVERY STINKING DAY for it!!

URRRRR.....

Yep....i'd say the one thing you CAN do as easily as she suggests...is fire her and get a referral to a better therapist who actually knows how to empathize....and to gee...i don't know...perhaps who knows how to actually HELP their patients insteadof treating them like that!

Hi
I'm a licensed clinical psychologist and i agree with everything that you said shutterbug. The therapist that she was working with is obviously under the impression that she as a therpist is always right. BULLCRAP. therapists don't have the answers but they can and should suggest different avenues that can be taken to find some of the answers to the questions that are being asked. For example, I don't like what I am seeing in the morror. I have gained so much weight. Together the client and the therapist should look at why the weight was put on and how. Was it the meds that made her gain weight. Is she eating because she is lonely, depressed or amybe she is just hungry. There are so many different things that could have been said besides I can't help you anymore. That is ridiculous...Viki