_Doll’s Damn-Near Daily Ditty_
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
have you been able to find any depression support group meetings in your area? There are so many people who have been where you are now and would love to be able to help you and be there for you.
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Well, I actually have a pretty cool boss he's just driving me crazy lately. He does know about my depression. When I first told him I was put on an AD, he said "Why?!!". I said, well, I have depression. He wanted to know why. I told him that on pdoc I had seen thought it was possibly bipolar disorder. He said, "No, I know you don't have that." Then he tells me thinks like "Well, you're one of the happiest people I know." The point is, he obviously doesn't understand it and I'm not going to try and explain it to him.
I've thought about taking some time off. I've got long and short-term disability available to me. I'm just not sure what I'd do with my time. Sleep? I'm not sure that would help. I would be interested in a daily outpatient program but I'm too chicken to ask my therapist about something like that. I just feel so needy and I hate that.
I do know there is a depression support group meeting in the area. I've only gone as far as looking to see when and where it is. I haven't taken any initiative to actually get to one. There's always something else to get done. Well, that's my excuse. My therapist would say I never do things for myself. She's right. It just all feels too selfish. Something I need to get over, I know.
I just need to learn how to be happy with me. Right now, I just don't see it. I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. I have no idea why I despise myself so much. I just do. I feel like a failure most days. I'm often surprised this is actually my life. I never had a picture of what it would be like, but I know this isn't what I want as my life.
I've thought about taking some time off. I've got long and short-term disability available to me. I'm just not sure what I'd do with my time. Sleep? I'm not sure that would help. I would be interested in a daily outpatient program but I'm too chicken to ask my therapist about something like that. I just feel so needy and I hate that.
I do know there is a depression support group meeting in the area. I've only gone as far as looking to see when and where it is. I haven't taken any initiative to actually get to one. There's always something else to get done. Well, that's my excuse. My therapist would say I never do things for myself. She's right. It just all feels too selfish. Something I need to get over, I know.
I just need to learn how to be happy with me. Right now, I just don't see it. I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. I have no idea why I despise myself so much. I just do. I feel like a failure most days. I'm often surprised this is actually my life. I never had a picture of what it would be like, but I know this isn't what I want as my life.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Good gracious girl! Ask your therapist!!!!!
Remember.....therapists work for US!!
We pay them. It's their jobs to give us information that we don't already have and that can help us. If you're therapist doesn't make you feel completely comfortable in asking them for information and assistance like this then my thoughts are....it's probably high time for a new therapist (one who actually what's to see you get better).
And you're NOT needy...you are human. There is a big difference.
yeah....i don't like your therapist. I don't even have to ask mine for a lot of things like that. She looks it up for me and writes it down and hands it to me. She makes copies of things she thinks I might like to read about or that might help me. she helps me set goals....and above all....she continues to remind me that i am HUMAN.
Perhaps she could help you think of someone who would like to go with you to a support group....or think of some kind of incentive to help get you to the first few meetings.
But, I think a new therapist should be first on the list. Learning to take care of ourselves...is just that....learning. Taking care of ourselves over others is such a foriegn thing to people like us who have grown up in similar shoes and feet.
We all need to take care of ourselves and be able to recognize that it's not a selfish thing to do (actually quite the opposite since we can't really do much for other's if we arn't well enough to...right?!).
Learning to be happy with ourselves.....man....that's an even HARDER one!! Even when NOT under the hex of a major depressive episode it's a hard thing to do, but an IMPOSSIBLE one when struggling with this illness.
With each word of each sentence in that last paragraph....i can FEEL the self-hatred in the letters as i read them because i am my own worst enemy and know the pains of that truth. BUT, i am slowly getting better.
I now know that when i'm feeling like you are now....that it's not me being lazy or crazy or stupid or anything besides a human being with a real, physical illness that is causing me to need rest for my body and mind.
That's the best way i've found to look at it. Since we haven't yet learned how best to take care of ourselves....it's like our body and mind just takes over for us and FORCES us to get the rest and care that we need to survive.
So when i sleep all weekend long ( or for 80 percent of an entire year as my not-so-long-ago situation was) I've learned to accept it as being way past time for me to rest. So try your best not to talk so negative to yourself and instead try to remember that there is a reason things happen and that means there is a reason why you are so sleepy and it's not because of anything having to do with the kind of person you are inside.
Just like none of us would tell a cancer patient that they are just weak and lazy. None of us would ever even think such an uncaring thing! this is no different. We have no more control over our illness than a person with cancer has over whether or not the cancer comes back after Kemo.
This I'SNT the long-term picture for your life.
If you keep perservering and also try to give yourself break from trying to be impossibly perfect....then it WILL get better. The only question will be WHEN. Unfortunately, the when never comes soon enough and many of us have cursed it for not coming around soon enough, but the important thing is that it DOES get better. No doubt about it. Just take each day as it's own and do the best you can - and if that best is sleeping all day and being able to get up to go to the bathroom once or twice....then that is a successful day and one more day closer to being healthy again.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs (and give yourself 10 hugs for me too),
Jenna
Remember.....therapists work for US!!
We pay them. It's their jobs to give us information that we don't already have and that can help us. If you're therapist doesn't make you feel completely comfortable in asking them for information and assistance like this then my thoughts are....it's probably high time for a new therapist (one who actually what's to see you get better).
And you're NOT needy...you are human. There is a big difference.
yeah....i don't like your therapist. I don't even have to ask mine for a lot of things like that. She looks it up for me and writes it down and hands it to me. She makes copies of things she thinks I might like to read about or that might help me. she helps me set goals....and above all....she continues to remind me that i am HUMAN.
Perhaps she could help you think of someone who would like to go with you to a support group....or think of some kind of incentive to help get you to the first few meetings.
But, I think a new therapist should be first on the list. Learning to take care of ourselves...is just that....learning. Taking care of ourselves over others is such a foriegn thing to people like us who have grown up in similar shoes and feet.
We all need to take care of ourselves and be able to recognize that it's not a selfish thing to do (actually quite the opposite since we can't really do much for other's if we arn't well enough to...right?!).
Learning to be happy with ourselves.....man....that's an even HARDER one!! Even when NOT under the hex of a major depressive episode it's a hard thing to do, but an IMPOSSIBLE one when struggling with this illness.
With each word of each sentence in that last paragraph....i can FEEL the self-hatred in the letters as i read them because i am my own worst enemy and know the pains of that truth. BUT, i am slowly getting better.
I now know that when i'm feeling like you are now....that it's not me being lazy or crazy or stupid or anything besides a human being with a real, physical illness that is causing me to need rest for my body and mind.
That's the best way i've found to look at it. Since we haven't yet learned how best to take care of ourselves....it's like our body and mind just takes over for us and FORCES us to get the rest and care that we need to survive.
So when i sleep all weekend long ( or for 80 percent of an entire year as my not-so-long-ago situation was) I've learned to accept it as being way past time for me to rest. So try your best not to talk so negative to yourself and instead try to remember that there is a reason things happen and that means there is a reason why you are so sleepy and it's not because of anything having to do with the kind of person you are inside.
Just like none of us would tell a cancer patient that they are just weak and lazy. None of us would ever even think such an uncaring thing! this is no different. We have no more control over our illness than a person with cancer has over whether or not the cancer comes back after Kemo.
This I'SNT the long-term picture for your life.
If you keep perservering and also try to give yourself break from trying to be impossibly perfect....then it WILL get better. The only question will be WHEN. Unfortunately, the when never comes soon enough and many of us have cursed it for not coming around soon enough, but the important thing is that it DOES get better. No doubt about it. Just take each day as it's own and do the best you can - and if that best is sleeping all day and being able to get up to go to the bathroom once or twice....then that is a successful day and one more day closer to being healthy again.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs (and give yourself 10 hugs for me too),
Jenna
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Great post Shutterbug!
The only point I see that I might like to address is that you are very open in speaking about things.
Often, others feel so shamed, that they won't tell.
My daugher had to "OUT" me to the Dr.
Now...I have learned to talk to my therapist as my ally. And know that she has seen and heard it all and she wants to help me..but her way is to let me talk or not....and I can understand her reasoning.
But we are not doing in depth therapy....there's a difference.
The only point I see that I might like to address is that you are very open in speaking about things.
Often, others feel so shamed, that they won't tell.
My daugher had to "OUT" me to the Dr.
Now...I have learned to talk to my therapist as my ally. And know that she has seen and heard it all and she wants to help me..but her way is to let me talk or not....and I can understand her reasoning.
But we are not doing in depth therapy....there's a difference.
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Thanks for the replies girls.
Actually Jenna, this is a new therapist for me and I like her way more than any other's I've seen.
It's the pdoc's I don't like. I'm only on my second one now. Only seen this latest one, once now. But they both seem a bit cold-ish. You know what I mean?
My therapist I like a lot. She's got this thing, like, an old friend. Like I've known her. Me not speaking my mind about how I feel. That's my thing. I just don't do it well. I guess I don't want to seem weak or like too much of a problem. She and I have talked about it. She knows I do it.
When I am there, I'm usually weepy the entire time. Most of this is really hard for me to talk about in depth without me crying. I get weepy in the waiting room. I just want to cry and have some one take care of me. Fix me.
Because I have such a hard time, sort of, opening up I think I could really benefit from some sort of all day out-patient thing. The thought of bringing that up to her scares me. I don't know why. What if she thinks it's a stupid idea? I'm so worried about what people will think of me. I feel lazy and worthless and like I should just get up off my butt and get better. I know some people in my life feel the same way and it gets to me.
Actually Jenna, this is a new therapist for me and I like her way more than any other's I've seen.
It's the pdoc's I don't like. I'm only on my second one now. Only seen this latest one, once now. But they both seem a bit cold-ish. You know what I mean?
My therapist I like a lot. She's got this thing, like, an old friend. Like I've known her. Me not speaking my mind about how I feel. That's my thing. I just don't do it well. I guess I don't want to seem weak or like too much of a problem. She and I have talked about it. She knows I do it.
When I am there, I'm usually weepy the entire time. Most of this is really hard for me to talk about in depth without me crying. I get weepy in the waiting room. I just want to cry and have some one take care of me. Fix me.
Because I have such a hard time, sort of, opening up I think I could really benefit from some sort of all day out-patient thing. The thought of bringing that up to her scares me. I don't know why. What if she thinks it's a stupid idea? I'm so worried about what people will think of me. I feel lazy and worthless and like I should just get up off my butt and get better. I know some people in my life feel the same way and it gets to me.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
if anyone in your life feels that way about you then that's not right. They obviously don't understand what you are having to deal with and therefore that doesn't deserve validation by you agreeing with them.
If I was paralyzed from the neck down and still got up and to work each day...then would you tell me I am just being lazy and should just get up out of that chair and off my butt???? I know that i'm being a little more dramatic in making my point, but the point is that you can no more make yourself do more than you can physically do right now as any another person with a serious illness can.
You MUST remember that this is your illness, but the illness ISN'T you! The fatigue you are dealing with has absolutely NO connection with laziness what-so-ever.
I felt the same about my therapist when i found her. I've been with her for about 2 years now. I can promise she won't think it's a stupid idea! What about writing it down on paper and giving that to her or even mailing it to her if that would be easier??? Or leaving a message on her machine? Or writing it in an e-mail?
There's no need to be embarrassed or ashamed of what how this illness affects you negatively. I went months without even brushing my teeth and weeks without even changing clothes or showering. I was surviving and smelling nice for my bed just wasn't a priority in that kind of situation. Hell, I haven't even showered in 3-4 days NOW b/c of this minor episode i'm going through.
Anyway, try to be proud of yourself for pushing forward or even staying still - because even staying still is not a backward movement and you will still be in the same spot when working to push forward again.
oh....and I cried everytime i saw my therapist too (and every other time). I actually couldn't believe a human had that many tears in them. I was truely afraid that i was going to dehydrate from crying so much! It's okay to cry. It's okay to ask about things you feel might help you and i guarantee you the therapist has heard things a 1,000 times worse than ANYTHING you could tell her.
Hang in there and keep posting.
Hugs,
Jenna
If I was paralyzed from the neck down and still got up and to work each day...then would you tell me I am just being lazy and should just get up out of that chair and off my butt???? I know that i'm being a little more dramatic in making my point, but the point is that you can no more make yourself do more than you can physically do right now as any another person with a serious illness can.
You MUST remember that this is your illness, but the illness ISN'T you! The fatigue you are dealing with has absolutely NO connection with laziness what-so-ever.
I felt the same about my therapist when i found her. I've been with her for about 2 years now. I can promise she won't think it's a stupid idea! What about writing it down on paper and giving that to her or even mailing it to her if that would be easier??? Or leaving a message on her machine? Or writing it in an e-mail?
There's no need to be embarrassed or ashamed of what how this illness affects you negatively. I went months without even brushing my teeth and weeks without even changing clothes or showering. I was surviving and smelling nice for my bed just wasn't a priority in that kind of situation. Hell, I haven't even showered in 3-4 days NOW b/c of this minor episode i'm going through.
Anyway, try to be proud of yourself for pushing forward or even staying still - because even staying still is not a backward movement and you will still be in the same spot when working to push forward again.
oh....and I cried everytime i saw my therapist too (and every other time). I actually couldn't believe a human had that many tears in them. I was truely afraid that i was going to dehydrate from crying so much! It's okay to cry. It's okay to ask about things you feel might help you and i guarantee you the therapist has heard things a 1,000 times worse than ANYTHING you could tell her.
Hang in there and keep posting.
Hugs,
Jenna
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Yeah, I should probably do that......actually one time I tried to get all of them together in one word document and whoa! What a project. I've posted a lot.
Had a good weekend. We watched my 2 nieces overnight Sat. I was so tired. I really wanted to sleep the weekend away like I usually do but was able to make myself stay up and play with the kids. I got to sleep around midnight Sat. night and then got up with the 8 week old at 5:30am. Fed her, changed her diaper then cuddled with her for a few hours. Ran around chasing the 2 1/2 yo. and played playdo with her. It was fun. Needless to say, as soon as they were all gone I took a nice one hour nap Sunday afternoon.
C was out in the pool and asked me to come in with her. I told her I didn't feel like it. she said what are you going to do then? I said, just watch TV. She said I should get out and be in the sun. She said she was only trying to be encouraging and help me to get out of the house. I went in and decided she was right. Soooo. I but my suit on and laid in the sun for about and hour or so. I got a new freckle!! We had a good time.
So, I'm really rambling in this post but my point is that I had a good weekend. I'm taking 20mg of the Prozac now (just for 2 days). I guess it will take a few more weeks to notice anything from it. I was feeling sort of sick last night, like I might be getting a cold. Sore throat, headache, stuffed up, sore muscles.....I think it can be just a side effect from P. I don't know......I felt better this morning. I'm glad, because I'm not sure what my boss would say if i called in sick AGAIN.
That's all I know.
What do you know?
Had a good weekend. We watched my 2 nieces overnight Sat. I was so tired. I really wanted to sleep the weekend away like I usually do but was able to make myself stay up and play with the kids. I got to sleep around midnight Sat. night and then got up with the 8 week old at 5:30am. Fed her, changed her diaper then cuddled with her for a few hours. Ran around chasing the 2 1/2 yo. and played playdo with her. It was fun. Needless to say, as soon as they were all gone I took a nice one hour nap Sunday afternoon.
C was out in the pool and asked me to come in with her. I told her I didn't feel like it. she said what are you going to do then? I said, just watch TV. She said I should get out and be in the sun. She said she was only trying to be encouraging and help me to get out of the house. I went in and decided she was right. Soooo. I but my suit on and laid in the sun for about and hour or so. I got a new freckle!! We had a good time.
So, I'm really rambling in this post but my point is that I had a good weekend. I'm taking 20mg of the Prozac now (just for 2 days). I guess it will take a few more weeks to notice anything from it. I was feeling sort of sick last night, like I might be getting a cold. Sore throat, headache, stuffed up, sore muscles.....I think it can be just a side effect from P. I don't know......I felt better this morning. I'm glad, because I'm not sure what my boss would say if i called in sick AGAIN.
That's all I know.
What do you know?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
That I love you as a dear friend. I have just gone thro some heavy relationship issues but posted every second of it. You might find it helpful to you? It is in f&f substance starts later in post 19 and carries on to part 20. But see how it went down and how it came out.
I have some other things to do right now...but you know we will catch up with each other.
many hugs,
Tena
I have some other things to do right now...but you know we will catch up with each other.
many hugs,
Tena
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I have to take my P(prozac) in the AM. Yesterday, I was in the bathroom at work washing my hands and a coworker thought I had been crying. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were like glass. I'm not sure if it's allergies or the meds. I'll have to look today and see what they look like. They feel sort of glassy now.
Last night was good for me. I got to work on time. When I got home from work I jumped into the pool and floated on the raft for about 30 minutes then swam around a little. C got home and came out back looking for me. I asked if she wondered where I was when she got home. She said she figured I was in bed and was so happy to see me in the pool, actually doing something. That made me feel good. I'm glad I was happy and a bit energetic yesterday. I was tired but able to make myself doing something other than plant my but on the couch as soon as I got home. So, is it possible the P is starting to work already?!
I'm so tired this afternoon. I was sitting here looking forward to going home and sleeping then I remembered I've got an appt with my therapist today. I'm not in the mood for it today.
Last night was good for me. I got to work on time. When I got home from work I jumped into the pool and floated on the raft for about 30 minutes then swam around a little. C got home and came out back looking for me. I asked if she wondered where I was when she got home. She said she figured I was in bed and was so happy to see me in the pool, actually doing something. That made me feel good. I'm glad I was happy and a bit energetic yesterday. I was tired but able to make myself doing something other than plant my but on the couch as soon as I got home. So, is it possible the P is starting to work already?!
I'm so tired this afternoon. I was sitting here looking forward to going home and sleeping then I remembered I've got an appt with my therapist today. I'm not in the mood for it today.
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'm feeling clear headed, strong and confident today. What's up with that!?
Actually, I forgot to take my P this morning. Whenever I'm running late (like every frickin' day) it's so likely that I'll forget to take it. I need to remember to put the bottle in my purse for days like this.
I had a good session with the therapist yesterday. I'll write more later.
Actually, I forgot to take my P this morning. Whenever I'm running late (like every frickin' day) it's so likely that I'll forget to take it. I need to remember to put the bottle in my purse for days like this.
I had a good session with the therapist yesterday. I'll write more later.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
the tide's are turning for us all hopefully ....let us all feel good and clear headed and confident from here out!
yes....put the bottle (or part of it) in the purse or desk at work or car or all of the above
yes....put the bottle (or part of it) in the purse or desk at work or car or all of the above
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
So far a good day again.
But, darn it to heck!!!, I forgot my pills again. The doc told me to take them in the AM but obviously I've had to take them in the evening several times and It hasn't seemed to affect my sleep. Thank goodness.
Happy Thursday.
But, darn it to heck!!!, I forgot my pills again. The doc told me to take them in the AM but obviously I've had to take them in the evening several times and It hasn't seemed to affect my sleep. Thank goodness.
Happy Thursday.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
i have to do that with mine too quite often. My wellies and effexor give a bit of extra energy so i try to take the early in the day, but since i have to take them with food and usually don't eat breakfast (or lunch) then i often don't get around to it at night. It doesn't bother me negatively to take them later in the day b/c when i sleep....i SLEEP (another symptom of my major depressive disorder).
So....i guess i'm saying...do the best you can and don't beat yourself up over it.
hugs,
Jenna
So....i guess i'm saying...do the best you can and don't beat yourself up over it.
hugs,
Jenna
Its_me_jen
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Good morning.
I went on a bit of a posting rampage over the last 2 days. Today, I can't do it.
Woke up late....late to work. I did remember my P though. That's one good thing today so far. I'm tired and glad it's Friday. Not really a bad day, I'm just blah. Don't want to be here today. I'd like to be in bed all day.
I went on a bit of a posting rampage over the last 2 days. Today, I can't do it.
Woke up late....late to work. I did remember my P though. That's one good thing today so far. I'm tired and glad it's Friday. Not really a bad day, I'm just blah. Don't want to be here today. I'd like to be in bed all day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Too depressed to talk about it much. I know you know what I mean.
The only place I feel comfortable and secure right now is in bed. And because my hubby shares my dx, unlike your mate, we understand one another and he is going thro' a bad time too.
I feel best just cuddled up next to him as close as I can get, like primates.
We are both sick right now.
He is sick, sick.
And with me, it is, of course, all in my head.
I just wished menopause on my sister. I meant it.
I have a post in WIR about hubby's illness. It's been frightening. Yesterday was really bad. and I knew it. Then this morning he told me he had thought it was his last day on earth. He also said I smelled like fear all night.
SUX.
I am still trying to keep up some kind of journal in the site where we are all off our rockers. But just not up to it everyday.
The only place I feel comfortable and secure right now is in bed. And because my hubby shares my dx, unlike your mate, we understand one another and he is going thro' a bad time too.
I feel best just cuddled up next to him as close as I can get, like primates.
We are both sick right now.
He is sick, sick.
And with me, it is, of course, all in my head.
I just wished menopause on my sister. I meant it.
I have a post in WIR about hubby's illness. It's been frightening. Yesterday was really bad. and I knew it. Then this morning he told me he had thought it was his last day on earth. He also said I smelled like fear all night.
SUX.
I am still trying to keep up some kind of journal in the site where we are all off our rockers. But just not up to it everyday.
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