Ghost Dog

This is something I've been dealing with since I was seventeen, ever since I experienced a marijuana-induced psychosis (complete dissociation, hallucinations, and a sense of terror and dread I can't possibly describe in human words) that landed me in the emergency room. After that I fell into about six months of crushing depression, alongside a persistent phobia of falling back into that psychosis. The depression alleviated and has come and gone since (the last bout was in late 2004 and eventually triggered my alcoholic disease which I'm now in recovery from), but one thing that has been persistent despite whatever my current mood may be is my knawing phobia of insanity. I've spoken with psychiatrists and therapists. One doctor felt my problem was that I was highly neurotic. Others have labeled me Bipolar I or Bipolar II, which I don't feel really describes me as I've never really had a manic or even hypomanic phase. PTSD was another label I got, which probably makes more sense considering I have obsessed on that day I went mad every single day for the past five years, to varying degrees.

Regardless, these 12 steps don't seem to help with the constant fear and anxiety this obsession causes me. It doesn't effect my job and no one I hang out with ever really seems to notice, but internally I almost always feel like I'm on the brink of a breakdown. It's never actually happened, but no one can convince me that it's all in my head and that I won't actually lose it. I don't know who to see about it. I've become weary of the psychiatric field ever since my bipolar diagnosis and getting overmedicated a couple years back. Since then I've been on no medication and have been dealing with it pretty much by myself. I hate it though, and I fear it'll cause me to relapse sooner or later if I don't get it sorted out. Can someone lend me some advice on this specific obsession/phobia? Thanks.

IV-NV

My dear friend,
My advice to you would be to get back on those meds. I can totally understand you being leary of psych meds, especially bipolar drugs such as lithium and depakote which pretty much numb you out and render you dead to the world..but there are other alternatives That will help eleviate your depression and will make life more manageable. The chemical imbalance needs to be addressed so that working the steps can be more beneficial and promissing.
Just my 2cc

nv

hoobie

Hi Ghost Dog,

I'm not an expert but I can relate to what you're going through. I have anxiety and panic attacks. What's weird is that I rarely actually have a panic attack, but I spend TONS of time obsessing and worrying that I MIGHT have one. The times that I've had them were so traumatic that I can't stop fearing that I may have another. I was supposed to be in a 3 person play last year and freaked out opening night and never performed. Worst. Day. Ever. Humiliating in every sense of the word.

I saw a therapist for a short while 2 years ago and she said that I was obsessive compulsive. I think an unnatural fear of anything might be considered OCD. I'm looking to see a therapist/psychologist again because I'm tired of the obsessing. I'm tired of drinking until the obsessive thoughts stop.

My advice (please don't take it too seriously since I don't know anything), is to find a therapist who will listen to your concerns about misdiagnosis. If you feel you have PTSD and not Bipolar, then be up front with this. Talk therapy can really help with obsessive thoughts (so I hear), but some sort of medication may be needed as well.

Also, you had a psychotic episode while under the influence of pot. If you no longer smoke it, you probably won't have to experience those awful feelings again. I had a bad experience with it 8 years ago where I saw things and heard voices and thought I was dying. Not fun.

upanddownjj

I had some bad doctors in the beginning who over medicated me - but I kept searching and searching - until I found one who specializes in Dual diagnosis..Addiction and Mental illness...
I have Bi-polar II which I resisted the diag. for years since I have never been running down the St naked Manic..but now I realize that for me - It manifested in my workaholism...for me it has changed and progressed over the last 10 yrs and now I notice that I rapid cycle just below what I call (normal) leaving me with very little energy - I start something..but can't finish it and that really makes me upset and unproductive...But I finally have a Dr who is a GURU at meds - I am on mood stabilizers ( anti seizure meds - not lithium) which help me without turning me into a zombie and do not take anything addictive..as my symptoms change ..so do my meds...He really cares, trys to keep me on the lowests possible doses to manage my symptoms...
Anyway - I agree about meds - Just keep trying until you find the right Doctor for you - and make sure they know about addiction (really know - if not specialize) Lots of Doctors are in recovery themselves..I have many friends in the program who are doctors...

Keep trying......Janni

Morning Glory

My symptoms were exactly as you describe. It was PTSD in my case. It eventually went away. You are not insane and you will not lose your mind. It just feels like that. I know the torment you must be going through. I went through it too. I know what you mean when you say it can't be described in human terms. The best suggestion I can give you is to find someone who specializes in PTSD. I don't know if you've tried an anti-depressant, but it might help. I went through mine without medication because they didn't treat me and diagnosed me wrong. I've seen the anti-depressants really help others. You are the first person I've met that seems to be going through the same thing I went through. That was years ago and it went away. I hope you can find hope knowing that someone else got through this.

Hugs,
MG

upanddownjj

Yep - I have been diagnosed with PTSD by my counsillor too - both say I should NOT dig into the reasons & past memories until I am "stable"

Lots of luck & love

Lilya

Ghostdog, take courage. This will pass.

I´m a former junkie and alcholic. I had massive anxiety attacks as well and deep depressions. The fear and obessions were with me all the time.

One of the ways of dealing with that fear was to stay with it. Just feel it, accept it and go on as if I was not afraid. I knew I would somehow get used to it. One day I did, but it comes back and then I rely on the tools to manage that fear.

The second way actually comes from the 12 step programme. I learned to let go of the fear by "turning it over." It´s a psychological trick. I asked my Higher power to take it away from me, because it was stronger than me and it was controlling my life.

The Higher power can be God (the way you see it/him) the subconscious, whatever you want it to be. You will see with practice that it fades when you turn it over.

Best of luck.

Love and light,

mackie

Ghostdog....

So many mental health issues over-lap into another one. It's hard to tell.

Hoobie seems to be on the right track with OCD. Perhaps you have a dual diagnosis of depression with OCD.

I truly believe that most addicts/alcoholics have some 'tendencies' towards OCD. It's our stinkin' thinkin' that got us into our messes in the first place.
We are creative, master manipulators. Sounds like if you don't get help soon, you will have manipulated yourself into a relapse or something worse!

Prayerfully yours,

Mackie

Ghost Dog

OCD definitely seems likely. Although I don't have any of the familiar symptoms I always associated the disorder with (i.e. rituals, compulsive washing and such), I am constantly obsessing; in fact my mind has been working this way for so long that I can't even remember what it's like not to have to be fixated on something. I remember when I was much younger, I would sometimes have repetitious thoughts and mental imagery that would almost go on auto-pilot, and I'd go to great lengths to "control" them, which drove me nuts. In the past couple years I've developed what could best be described as a rolling thought -- almost like a marble rolling around in my head when I'm not obsessing about something else. I usually relieve it by finding something to do -- fidgeting with something, playing with my watch/cell phone/palm pilot or something if I have no better defense, pacing or some kind of random physical activity. Video games usually do the trick much more efficiently, and as a result sort of developed into a codependency in recovery (when I was living at a halfway house, for example, I gave my gaming systems to my sponsor to hold so I could focus on the stepwork more). It causes a great deal of discomfort in daily living, makes it impossible for me to sit completely still for more than a few seconds, or concentrate on very much that's said to me in conversations. For example, I often find it next to impossible to listen to people speaking at AA meetings, which often results in me feeling like I'm just going through the motions and not getting anything out of the meeting at all. Therefore, I often wonder if I'm more OCD or ADHD, or if they're similar, or if I have a little of both.

Alcohol proved to be the foolproof "treatment" that stopped it dead in its tracks, allowed me to concentrate and relax, and ultimately slowed my mind down and took the obsessive thinking away. Unfortunately, it ultimately turned on me severely...

And of course, when I'm obsessing, I'm generally obsessing about how crazy I must be/how crazy I must be inevitably going/how I'm going to descend into madness if I don't find some relief or someone to convince me I'll be okay, etc. The problem is that all the professionals in the world can try their best to convince me that my fear is entirely irrational, but that does little to give me solace, the way my mind works. So, depending on how bad I'm obsessing about negative, self-defeating scenarios and such, it affects my mood, my level of anxiety, and my ability to relate to people at any given time during the day. And I know sooner or later the anxiety may become to great to bear, and I may relapse into alcoholic drinking again.

So I'd like to say the root of my problem is definitely the way I think, obviously. But I feel so powerless over it, as if there's no way to get out of this cycle, and if I really need medication or not, or how that would affect me and my performance in life, or my ability to be a good AA member, etc. My sponsor is pretty anti-meds, but then again, I don't think his mind is as screwy as mine, despite him saying so.

The PTSD issue is another big one. Along with the trauma of losing it completely that night under the influence of drugs, which has indeed haunted me pretty much daily in some form or another ever since, I also witnessed my father shoot my mom in the leg with a shotgun when I was three, which I vividly remember to this day. (I'm also an adult child of alcoholics btw) So yeah... God... it's amazing that I'm as coherent as I am, I sometimes think.

So confused... thanks for the input though, guys. Seriously, thanks! (Glad I found this place) I've been graced with good health insurance through my work, so now I just have to find professional help. I'd really like to avoid meds, but what can ya do... eh.

SunShine4

I hope this finds you well. I have read your post and I can hear your pain. I cam accross your post by searching through the internet for my daughter some toys. I wondered onto it by accident. So I felt led to post a response. I feel very strongly that you need GOD. That is where your answer lies. When we as humans have done everything we know to do, there is a higher power that we need, and his name is JESUS. He is the answer to your nightmare. You are being posessed by a demon power bigger than you can imagine. We, as humans dont like to to admit that there is a spirtual world, because we cant see it. But there is. These feelings that you have are not normal. You can go to a counsler and they will give you all the drugs to cure you, but all you need is GOD. You need the Holy Ghost. You need to be baptized in Jesus name and you need to find a Apostolic Church that preaches the one GOD. I'm being serious. If you ever come on this site and read this, then it is meant for you to do so. God is trying to tell you something. Please stop seearching for a pill or stop living this nightmare and find GOD. Good luck in your journey!

ClayTheScribe

In case God/Jesus doesn't solve your problems, medication can be very helpful, and keep this in mind, you don't have to take them forever. I'm on five psych meds right now and I'm getting ready to start a new job that's full-time and demanding. But I feel I'm up to it because I do other right things such as take my B vitamins, fish oil, vitamin D and exercise, usually for an hour a day--but that's because I'm trying to lose weight, psychologists say you only need 30 minutes of cardio to get the psychological benefits. Exercise has been key in my recovery and in my work to overcome my depression and anxiety. From what I've studied and read, PTSD is not treated very well with medication, that takes lots of therapy. There's a specific type of therapy for PTSD called EMDR--Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing--that is known to be successful in treating trauma. People on here can only help so much, but a therapist--and you may have to shop for the right one--can help you a great deal with your paranoia/anxiety and PTSD.

Good luck and keep us posted.

mxchaos

I share your fears and know that it can happen many times but I also know that each time you can learn and recover faster.... I'm impaitant right now because my fears came true and everyone has welcomed me back to a place of hope and healing..... take care of your self mental and physicallly and things sould stay at bay....in any case you will return from that state you fear most....