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Trouble with resentment

Old 05-21-2020, 02:32 PM
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Trouble with resentment

Pretty new in sobriety with 34 days. I desperately need advice. My wife kicked me out and is having a relationship outside of our marriage. She has told me I need to work on myself but I cannot get over the fact she is going to another man to find her happiness. We have been separated 2 months and I have told her what she does while we are separated is her buisness but I donít know if I believe that statement. Am I crazy that I canít stop thinking about her with another man?? Help!!!
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Old 05-21-2020, 03:48 PM
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Hi Blairr

I have told her what she does while we are separated is her buisness but I don’t know if I believe that statement.
I don't know I believe that statement either - but i'm pretty old fashioned.

Unless you had the kind of marriage where affairs on the side were ok, if she's already with another man I think that means your wife has decided she's moving on, regardless of how much work you do on yourself.

I know thats tough, man - but you will find support here.
Maybe you should move on too?

D
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Old 05-22-2020, 05:18 AM
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Yeah I can't say I agree with that either unless you had a very open marriage, I experienced that too in early sobriety and it didn't sit well with me at all. I'm sorry you're enduring this and understand the pain involved in it.

But.....

Those experiences are what my recovery program and sobriety prepared me to overcome. I hope you'll choose a path to follow, for myself I chose the 12 Steps and it has led me to let go of the past, to deal with my resentments in a healthy manner that is respectful towards myself and those around me, and to move on from toxic relationships to discover what God had in store for me. It works!
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Old 05-22-2020, 05:58 AM
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Focus on yourself! Early recovery is hard enough without all that other stuff going on. I hope you were quitting for you. If you feel you were doing it for someone else sometimes we relapse thinking that we are hurting the person that we were quitting for. NOT!!!! Your sobriety is the most important thing in your life! Best wishes on your journey!
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Old 05-22-2020, 08:11 AM
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I don't condone what you wife is doing, but you "told her what she does while we are separated is her buisness".I don't know how to say this other than just to say it, but if I had told my wife that, I don't see how I could wait until she did something that I didn't like and then say "I didn't really mean it."

I know this is a painful situation and hurts, and my heart goes out to you; but I also know that if I didn't make recovery my number one priority; I would have no life. I had to start to get better and work on myself and repair myself, before I could stand any chance of working on and repairing any relationships that I had damaged in the past through my actions. When I did get to that point, I also had to be fully aware that just because I was better, things weren't going to magically go back to the way they were before I started to damage the relationships with my actions. I needed that to accept that there was going to be a period of adjustment and repair.

The descent to the bottom of my alcoholism didn't happen overnight and my recovery journey hasn't happened overnight either and while things may not have always turned out the way I had hoped, I know they have turned out for the better because I am better and that is the goal.

Many times what I think is best, may not be best at all because after all, I became an alcoholic so WTH do I know anyway. :~)
Many times it takes hindsight for me to realize that things did indeed turn out for the best.
Focus on yourself and your recovery and things will turn out for the best.

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