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Old 03-02-2018, 07:03 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Part of me agrees completely with that sentiment--not dating someone with a history of addiction. Makes sense. Until a few years ago, I always drank to excess, but only once in a while. Never had compulsions to drink. Now I do. Part of my psyche has been irreparably changed, and from what I sense of her shares (tone, tenor, temperament), I believe part of hers has too. Probably best to stay away I think. Unless she makes a concerted effort (she's gotta try harder!)...I won't actively pursue it. I'm not happy about this tentative decision. But I'm not unhappy about it. Neither here nor there. The bane of my existence.
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Old 03-03-2018, 06:12 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Not sure your age DD, but for me at this point in my life, 40yo, having had a full experience of love and failures and sex and attention and just lots of women, the mere knowledge that a woman gives me the signs that she is interested in me satisfies me. I don't "self-castigate" anymore like I used to when I decided not to approach a pretty girl on the subway. I don't need to complete the deal anymore to know my swords are still sharp. I know I can still operate with women like I used to, but I also have the life experience to know the vaaaast majority of those pursuits were really fill an emptiness in me, to prove something to myself and ended, with good memories, but without much real personal growth.

I don't mean to read into what perhaps are very pure motives on your part. But I've seen your other posts re: strip clubs etc and I can relate, or at least I used to relate.

And yes, you may have guessed, I found a woman that I'm committed to. Not that that ever stopped me in the past.

I was saying this to a younger colleague the other week - if you can just take that knowledge, that she is attracted to you, and you know (perhaps arrogantly and maybe incorrectly (though probably not )) that she would be happy if you pursued her, and walk away with that knowledge, without needing to run down another, most likely, empty road with her - that's the goal.

Bit of rambling here, but I bet you get the point.

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Old 03-03-2018, 10:45 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Great points less, indeed. There is satisfaction to be had in knowing that more likely than not, the initial pursuit would be successful. Perhaps I won't castigate myself for complacency and by so doing avoid the indignities of ineptitude. ' Tis difficult nevertheLess.

Looking at other thread, I can see the ambivalence in the attribution of motive. I've always been afflicted with the MW complex; but in truth women are neither angelic or its dialectic-- they all fall within the spectrum. I have, do, and likely for the foreseeable future see them with the 'on one hand, on the other hand' lens.
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Old 03-03-2018, 12:55 PM   #24 (permalink)
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for example......

I see this woman as preposterously profound and profoundly preposterous.
I see her as egregiously endearing and endearingly egregious.

...dialectic.....

Not much gray area in my perceptions of women-this woman specifically. I need to work on this.
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Old 03-03-2018, 02:19 PM   #25 (permalink)
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glad ya see ya need work. when ya see a woman as a woman, maybe youll be ready to date.
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Old 03-04-2018, 01:40 PM   #26 (permalink)
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I would prefer to date someone who has also overcome addiction. We would understand and support that part of each other IF we were both committed to and strong in our sobriety. What I don't want is to date someone who is currently very involved in a 12 Step program. Of course if they had done AA in the past and felt the need to go back, if I was already committed I would support that decision.

I'm very proud of myself for getting sober, and have exactly zero shame attached to my drinking. I had a problem and took care of it. End of story.

I could date a "normie" casual drinker though. Someone to whom it wasn't that important, had the occasional drink with friends or at a celebration.

This is with almost a year under my belt. I wouldn't have said this 3 months ago.
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Old 03-05-2018, 12:40 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Sometimes 1 and 1 does make 11 with respect to matches made in recovery. Other times it doesn't. I'm not sure what working the 12-steps--or not working the 12-steps-- has to do with likelihood of success in any prospective relationship.
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Old 03-06-2018, 05:23 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Well, after two failed marriages while I was "out there" and then a third marriage sober, I can honestly say that practicing the 12 Steps in all areas of my life and relationships has molded me into a much better person to be around, I am able to work through rough patches with integrity rather than resorting to the bottle. It's made for a very nice married life, that's been my experience.
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Old 03-08-2018, 01:06 PM   #29 (permalink)
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When I was in the treatment center, I had the epiphany that I really barely knew my wife.

It was a moment of clarity, so to speak.

We were not similarly aligned people once I quit drinking and was bludgeoned into a spiritual existence.

But I stayed married when I got out of treatment for another 18 years.

She quit drinking for 10 years when I exited the treatment center, but she then started drinking very heavily.

We got divorced (we had no children).

I found out that the only woman I had ever truly loved (we dated in college and law school) had never married.

Without having a single date with anyone else (including someone half my age), I called her and we got back together very quickly.

She never had a drinking problem (except for having an alcoholic lover earlier in life -- me).

We married 6 months later (when you're in your late 40's, time is a wasting, so to speak).

Our lives have been a complete blessing all day everyday, even on the challenging days (we have buried 4 parents and a step-parent).

I told her that she could drink around me, but she would never dream of doing so.

On average, about once or twice a year (or 2 years), she will have a beer (probably 1/2 of one) or a glass of wine with dinner with one of her female friends when I'm out of town.

So, having stated my history of women and wives, both pre-sobriety and during recovery), I have discerned that my wedding band is a distinct female repellent - at least with respect to the types who would be inclined to flirt at a meeting.

I have plenty of female friends in AA and in my professional life and general circle of friends.

But I never, ever flirt.

Flirting is a natural reaction, but I simply don't do it, not today and not during my first marriage.

So I have had 2 wives, one who needed to be in recovery and one who did not.

My wife has come to learn a little about 12 step recovery and been to a few open meetings (which she enjoys).

We are both dedicated in our respective faiths (Methodist for her and Catholicism for me), and we have the same moral values in all respects.

We think about each other and do things for each other all day long.

I apologize for getting off on a tangent.

If you date someone that you met in a 12 step meeting, it would be awkward seeing her in that meeting when and if you break up.

I value my meetings too much than to have to worry about whether an ex is going to be at a meeting.
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Old 03-10-2018, 11:17 AM   #30 (permalink)
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I saw her this week, she sat in close proximity, asked how I was doing, I asked how she was doing, during the meeting she preened, postured a bit (typical female stuff); after the meeting, I got her number. I just asked for it. Her face lit up (lit up is hyperbole but you get my point!)

Became more uncomfortable not doing anything than doing something. I knew viscerally that action was mandated. So if nothing else, I give myself credit for that. Finding the courage of conviction, the audacity of aspiration. Didn't ask if she wanted to go for coffee or anything, haven't yet called her. I feel some angst. But I felt worse in the throes of vacillation. If it works out, great. If not, tons of other meetings. Meetings every half hour, all day, within close proximity. Nothing special about this meeting. Except for her.
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Old 03-10-2018, 01:59 PM   #31 (permalink)
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To me this sounds like compulsive behavior.
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Old 03-10-2018, 02:24 PM   #32 (permalink)
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If getting a beautiful girl's phone number encapsulates compulsivity so be it.
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