never want to do this again
 

I'm out of control and its marijuana by itself. I thought I wasn't going to use but then I did. It was awful paranoid confused just I don't the way it makes me feel. I'm going to ask for numbers when I go to my aa meeting tomorrow because I cant stop myself without help I'm going to pick up the phone if I want to get sober.
David

That's a great first step David :)

D

it's feel as if I've been In under spell. i going tell my friends sponsor tomorrow that I messed up again. I hope the don't hate me now I really didn't mean to mess up. I'm not giving up i just need to keep trying. I don't really know but I can't Give up.
David

If your sponsor hates you for using he's not the right sponsor for you. Same goes with your friends.
I'm sure you'll find support tho David.

D

I'm just feeling low I was doing so well and I'm behaving just like I used to. I have a horrible addiction to weed. it's as bad a drinking I'm just as powerless over it. I'm feeling like failure like I let everyone down. I am taking this seriously I'm afraid people will think I'm not trying. I hate myself.
David

David, that’s one of the hardest things, self love.

say in the mirror, right now, look yourself in the eyes, and say ( with sincerity -even if you don’t believe it)

I LOVE MYSELF!
I LOVE MYSELF!
I LOVE MYSELF!
I LOVE MYSELF!
I LOVE MYSELF!
I LOVE MYSELF!
I LOVE MYSELF!
I LOVE MYSELF!
I LOVE MYSELF!
I LOVE MYSELF!



Thats righ. Ten times daily. No smirking, no laughter. No angry tone.

You will change that toxic thinking.

And THAT change if toxic thinking will change your life.

Big hugs

I feel like crap today feeling so burnt out,and I talked with sponsor today. I realize I need to keep trying I also realize i need to remind myself that I don't really want to use its just my addiction telling me a fairy tale about how i will feel so much better after, but instead end up feeling worse afterwards. I also decided to go to a Thursday night big book study, and I'm going to expand my repatare of repertoire of meetings. I'm also going to go to the next ma meeting that I can find. mabey Tuesday depending on an aa obligation I have on Tuesday nights. I think and my sponsor agrees I haven't gotten step one totally because part of me thinks it's not as bad as alcohol. I'm not going to beat myself I am were I am, I just need to keep trying. My sponsor said he wasn't disappointed in me that he just wants be to get well. this is a really bad disease and it has me in it's grip. the blame and shame game doesn't help I'm not bad person trying to get good I'm a sick person trying to get well. We have today let's make of it what we can. I also realize I can't think my way out of using I will only end thinking my way into using.
David

How are things going now David?

D

today is another day sober and I'm in a lot physicall pain un related to using. one trigger is physical pain for me. so days so far not feeling confident I can keep it up. going to my aa meeting and hanging out after so I'm am confident I can stay sober today but looking ahead is hard not to do. I realize I'm not taking one day at time. Not using is overwhelming right now giving up isn't an option but it's seems impossible to gain any traction. I don't know what else to do.
David

Chronic pain is hard David but I enjoy the not so painful days and get through the worse ones best I can.
I have a lot of things in my checklist like exercise and diet, doing things I love to distract me- I work on those before I resort to pain meds, and I never consider pot anymore.

D