lynnmarie123

I quit drinking and called myself sober for the longest time even though I was still smoking pot.
It's what addicts do, deny and lie.
But coming clean and being true are feathers in your cap and not something to be ashamed of.
I tip my hat to you and say, "Well Done!"
Don't leave now, the best is yet to come!

PrairieSpirit

Thank you Lynnmarie.

PrairieSpirit

After 72 hours weed free last week I was so stunned and felt so good that of course, being the addict that I am, convinced myself that I really MUST be able to control this....so had to do another little experiment! But I cannot fool myself anymore. I feel the same way I did last Tuesday night. Depressed, joyless, and anxious. Thankfully I only bought a little stash this time, because it is getting flushed tonight! I know I am more than this person.

PS

Dee74

Yep, abstinence is not control . glad you came to your senses quickly PS.

D

PrairieSpirit

So far I am not succeeding. How is everyone else doing on their commitment to quit and stay quit?

Dee74

What kind of rationalisations are you using to smoke again, PS?

D

PrairieSpirit

Hi Dee. I think I'm just trying to convince myself I can use it in moderation. A number of failed experiments so far!! It is so hard to imagine a life without it after using it everyday for so long. It's such a crutch. But I know deep down I don't want to be this drug addicted person and I feel a glimmer of hope that I can rise above this.

Dee74

Fan that little glimmer

Pot is a hard drug to let go of because we're bombarded with messages about it being so benign..

it's not though and, even tho I had 30 years of smoking and bad experiences to draw upon, I had still had to train myself to remember that its not a good thing, and that one puff for me was enough for me to get pulled right back in.

D

Ronantian

It took me over a year to accept I can’t use in moderation. I’d quit for a month, then say I’ll use at the weekend, then just at night time, inevitably I’d be back using everyday.

It’s a hard thing to accept because you can be relatively functional using everyday. Just be kind to yourself if you slip back into old habits and try again.

PrairieSpirit

Thanks Dee and Ronantian. Quitting marijuana use was a battle for me years ago but I finally quit in 2005 or so after a daily use dependence for five years. Quitting nicotine was a battle for me for years, but I did finally quit almost 14 years ago now in 2008. Quitting drinking was a battle for me for years, but I finally did quit almost 3.5 years ago now. It's true, that shortly after I quit drinking I decided to pick up the weed again. Being legalized by that point, it was pretty easy to do and I really just wanted to use it in moderation to help me with the hard part of adjusting to life without alcohol. I knew it had me again long before I would actually admit it to myself. I know I cannot ever take even one puff off of a cigarette and I have absolutely no desire to and I know I cannot ever take even one sip of alcohol and very rarely have the thought anyway. Deep down I know that I have to abstain completely again, and soon, from using cannabis in any form.

And I have decided to be kind to myself right now because I was at an emotional bottom and in a very depressed state. Feeling very depleted after this very emotionally draining relationship I had been in for almost two years. My marijuana use had really increased during that time too because I had someone to smoke it with! So anyway, that relationship ended at the end of March (my first step in re-claiming my life and re-building it to the vision I have for who I am at my best self). Life was hard in that regard; my heart still felt broken even though it was for the best, so I needed to be kind to myself and start the healing process which requires this!

So I have discovered that although I do have an end goal of complete abstinence, and in the near future, I am not ready for cold turkey. But I have cut down drastically and have been changing up my routines, eating when I get home from work instead of smoking right away - actually giving myself what I really need! No more wake-n-baking on the weekends and instead focusing on healthy routines. I am consciously choosing healthier options after asking myself what I really need/want. I had been getting very unhealthy because of all the junk food binges and lack of desire to make myself anything nutritious - now I am focusing on learning moderation again with the sweets and only after I feed myself a nutritious meal. In other words, reminding/reawakening myself of the natural ways my body can get Dopamine, especially after reenforcing these healthier choices consistently. At least that is what I am telling myself!!

The depression is lifting and after getting some answers from the Neurologist regarding the MRI I am feeling an even greater desire to make the most of my life NOW while I can and I have no intention of spending my life isolated inside smoking weed during all of my free time. Life is really really good right now regarding my work and I want to put my best into it as it has rewarded me so abundantly since restarting my life with it after divorce in 2014.

The energy and desire for good things for myself is returning and I will also share that I decided not to return to AA meetings...it's true I know there would be a few that would be really supportive of where I am at in my journey of overcoming addictions, but I also know who would be judging me and my skin is not very thick when I pick up on these things from others, and putting myself in that kind of environment does not seem like a kind thing to do. So I am grateful to be able to share my story/journey here especially since I am much better at expressing myself by writing. And there are a few of you here who are seeming to be in the same boat as me right now...although I know there must be so many more people hooked on this stuff and wishing they weren't.

Thanks for listening.
PS

Dee74

Hey PS

You’re always welcome here man

I have to honest though - I wish you were ready now to quit….cos every time you smoke again, it really does make it that much harder to quit.

I see folks here disappear for months, maybe for good, and people leaving the supports they’ve used in the past- and I’m despondent at the hold addiction, particularly marijuana addiction, can have on people.

Its so frickin insidious.

I used to believe I needed some vice to deal with my life, but I realise now that was just another manifestation of my AV (addictive voice)

I could never cut down. If I had weed I had to smoke it all.

If you can cut down- really cut down to nothing, consistently week by week, with no ‘blow outs’ or plateauing -then more power to you PS.

If you can’t then maybe cold turkey is the way.

If you feel like a read, or you feel like you should start feeding the part of you that wants to quit, check out the recovery toolbox thread at the top of the forum.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ful-links.html (Recovery Toolbox - helpful links)

D

FlyingDutchMan

Not doing too well actually so I am in the same spot as you, more or less. I need to be around this forum a lot more because it puts me in a different mindset, even when I am using daily.

Don’t have a lot of time to reply now, but I’ll be back. Have a good day everyone.

PrairieSpirit

Hi Flying Dutch Man. I haven't read it for a long time but I remember your thread when you had really conquered this addiction and you felt great. I really wanted that drive that you had. That's what I am trying to muster up to this time...as Dee shared earlier I also feel like I just won't be able live without it. I know I will but I must still see something useful in using it and I think I know why I am hiding in it. While out hiking this morning before any using I actually felt it a bit in my lungs. And I was just going up a little hill. And I plan on hiking a couple of mountains this summer! I'm going to go back and read those earlier threads of yours!

Take care everyone.
PS

PrairieSpirit

Well, I've flushed my stash. I actually broke the handle on the toilet I was using such determination in the action!

I've wasted another beautiful morning inside instead of getting out with my camera into Nature. Wasted opportunity. I've been smoking since I woke up at 5:30 this morning. It's now 3pm.

So I'm hoping in about 24 hours now I can come back here and post that I made it through the first 24.

Take care everyone.
PS

Dee74

You can do it PS!

D

PrairieSpirit

Thanks Dee!

FlyingDutchMan

That’s a bold move and I applaud it. I was never much of a stash-flusher myself but it sounds like a clear brake from a way of life you are tired of. Good on you, now don’t doubt your own decision ever again! Just focus everything you have on quitting, on staying quit and NOT on dwelling on romantic thoughts about smoking a joint.

It sounds so easy, and sometimes it can be. And if it’s not, do check in and vent. We’re all experienced in that department.

I hope I can join you on short notice

PrairieSpirit

Thanks for the words of encouragement FDM. I have flushed so much over the years as I've struggled with addictions...cartons of cigarettes and cases of beer and bottles of wine and yes these days lots of weed.

Home from work and 24 hours clean now and I am just going to keep busy with chores to get through the afternoon...I'm definitely craving though!

Wishing everyone well.
PS