wackybunny

I'm freaking out! Hi, by the way. I haven't been here in so long that I forgot how to start a thread. Anyway, it's been years. We quit weed a long time ago. Then we both started smoking again (the isolation and boredom of Covid was the excuse) and then we stopped and then we started again. It got so bad this time last year that we were melting down. My husband turned into a monster. He is normally calm and patient but he started smoking more and more and more and his whole personality changed. He would blow up at work (we run a business together) and leave to go home and smoke. It was like he couldn't do anything else. This was happening on a regular basis. It was a terrible time and both of us were in the grips of SEVERE anxiety. We knew there was only one way to start healing so we quit again last November. We had a depressed and extremely stressful three months as our brains readjusted. Neither of us could function so we closed our business for TWO MONTHS. We weren't even speaking. I only could function to look after our five year old girl who is an angel. I am a really good mom, despite the smoking. I put everything I have into caring for her. I didn't want to be a stoner mom though. I wanted to get to a point where I don't need any substance. I need to set a good example. Finally, we started coming out of the fog. We started taking vitamin B complex and magnesium complex at the recommendation of my mom and that really seemed to help too. Things got back on track. We opened the business again and things have been good. However, every once in a while my husband would get some weed. I would freak out. I don't want it near me because quitting was the hardest thing I've ever done (every time I've done it) and I really really can't go there again. Also, I can't handle the effect it has on him now. He thinks he can control it but he is so delusional. After 18 years together, being addicted to weed for most of that time, I know how it goes. I was addicted from the age of 15. It is fun in the beginning but it has a totally different effect after all that time. It's no longer harmless, it was actually destroying our family. I even wondered if my husband was suicidal at points. Honestly, most of this was the weed because without it, he is completely different. I am too. So now he has bought some and it's in the house. He's been smoking it the last three nights. He thinks he is hiding it but I can obviously tell and I told him so. He thinks it's not a big deal. I know I can't control him - that's an Alanon issue - but I have to protect myself. I'm not safe around it! I don't have any desire for it now but I don't know how long I will hold out. I just know that in the past I can't have it in my home and not smoke it.

Dee74

Hi WB

I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you back but the same support is still around even tho the faces might change.

Would he listen if you laid out your fears like you have here?

D

wackybunny

Thanks, Dee. Nice to see your friendly face/name again. Sadly, I have told him all my fears about myself and him. It makes no difference. He does what he does. Even if he says he won't bring it in the house, like he did two days ago, he does. I don't think I can say anything to get through to him. I am glad that for now I am not tempted in the slightest. I am just worried about if it continues. My addict brain might start up again. It says things like it's ok to have just a little bit this once. And then, it was fine before, a little more won't hurt. What's all the fuss about. Been there a million times. I am so against it in this moment though. I hate weed.

Dee74

I hope you can keep the AV down WB - it can be done
Don't negotiate with it...the only acceptable outcome is NO.

D

wackybunny

Thanks. I think I am angry enough with weed to say NO way, you won't get me again.

FlyingDutchMan

Hey Wackybunny, welcome back. We never met on this forum, but I read your thread(s) front to back when I first got to this place and I found them inspiring.

I am sorry for what brings you here though, because it’s a very complex situation and I’m struggling to give any advice. Weed can make a person quite selfish and from what I conclude, this is happening to your husband as well. I myself would get quite defensive when someone would dare to invade my smoking territory.

It’s a very delicate balance: you don’t want to distance him, but on the other hand you don’t want to accept his smoking.

Maybe it is possible to put you two in a situation where you can have a good and honest talk in a way that he doesn’t feel attacked. I’m thinking: a long walk together, something less confrontational that sitting across the table and discussing it. A situation in which you can voice all your fears and he doesn’t shrug them off or gets all defensive about his smoking.

Just a small piece of advice, sorry if I completely misjudged the whole thing.

All my best!

FreeOwl

I'm getting pretty angry at it, too.... this yo-yo of continually going back to it is driving me nuts.

I was clean AND sober for almost six years and then I 'casually' decided weed would be ok 'from time to time'.

Within 6 months that was pretty much every day.

Another 6 months, often multiple times a day.

Within 6 months of that, I was trying to get away and have been allowing myself to get reeled back in.

24 hours down today. My resolve is strong. I'm angry at it. I'm depressed by it. I see it only getting in the way of all kinds of things I want for my life.

wackybunny

I am back to give an update. I am happy to report that after some serious and honest conversations, he decided to give up again and managed to do it. He is back to his normal, nice and functional self. I didn't give in. I don't think I've smoked weed in well over a year. I had stopped and started a bit along the way. It hasn't been a straight line but looking back at all the years when I couldn't go a single day without it (most of my life) I have managed to get to a place where I don't miss it and don't crave it for the most part. Occasionally that part of my brain tells me it would be nice to have some but I think it through. I remind myself that it's mostly the thought of it that's nice. It's the old story I'd tell myself of how it helped relax me. It never helped relax me. I have been on and off enough now to know that giving in to that voice and smoking it doesn't actually give me the feeling I want. I still have troubles in my life. I still feel like I need something to help me relax and I haven't exactly found it Iit's probably exercise...). I do know that it's not in weed or alcohol or any other drugs though. I don't drink, I don't smoke weed, I don't smoke. I am sober all the time. It isn't perfect but it's WAY better. I am more relaxed than I was when i was smoking weed. It absolutely thrills me to hear that someone has read all my posts and found inspiration. I wish everyone freedom from this. It is hard and it feels like quitting takes forever but I stuck with it, did the emotional work required, sat with the discomfort, and got to the other side.

AL48

So nice to hear you are doing well Wackybunny and thankyou for sharing.

FlyingDutchMan

Really awesome that things evened out for you both! I’ve wondered a couple of times about the follow up, so I do appreciate the update.

Funny how it works with weed for you as it does for me (and probably everybody else). There’s this romantic image in your head, how it will be fantastic to light up. How we will be able to finally relax and really enjoy the evening or certain activities in a way they’re supposed to be enjoyed. And when we do use weed, it’s all rather disappointing, yet the next day we start to chase that unrealistic image again. I think it’s called addiction

Again, thanks for the update and be well!

racingthoughts

Hi WB. Long time no see. It's good to hear from you again. Like you, I haven't posted here in years.

Sorry to hear that the monster found a way to creep back into your life, but I'm glad to hear that the situation's better. Reading your post here is a good reminder of why I can't go back (of course this isn't to say that I'm trying to capitalize on your difficulties, but you know what I mean).

Dee74

Good to hear from you RT

D

FlyingDutchMan

Nice to see the old timers are paying us a visit