A Return To Freedom - Being Cannabis-Free and Sober
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
What I felt when I read that post was sadness that you are getting high with your son. That's my take-away.
The other thing is the claiming of any high ground here... I don't think you have any high ground in this thing. No pun. I'd worry about my own self at this point and not rely on others' reminders of some letter I sent or put any responsibility on family or friends to help.
It's an inside job. No one puts anything in my mouth without my consent.
.
The other thing is the claiming of any high ground here... I don't think you have any high ground in this thing. No pun. I'd worry about my own self at this point and not rely on others' reminders of some letter I sent or put any responsibility on family or friends to help.
It's an inside job. No one puts anything in my mouth without my consent.
.
It made me feel sad, too.
Today, I'm less sad, today it's a new Day Two. Today I've got sixteen days in February that were free of cannabis. Today, I need to keep my focus on that fact so that I don't despair and say to myself "eff it" and then run right back to old habits.
Today, I will continue to pray, ask for help, be honest, and stay clean and sober.
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Yeah I can imagine it’s difficult being step Dad. The basic insecurity I felt as a person may have led me to make the same mistakes as an active addict if I’d had any adult stepchildren. I wanted to be included and I wanted to be liked, which is a basic human trait, but the inner addict can really play on that....
I am glad you’ve set some boundaries for yourself in writing now.
The next step is, having talked the talk, to walk the walk
D
I am glad you’ve set some boundaries for yourself in writing now.
The next step is, having talked the talk, to walk the walk
D
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yes indeed. as I've been doing now ever since that poor choice. And for two weeks prior to it.
I feel good about what happened. I know that will be controversial - but had it not happened, maybe it was bound to happen. Now that it has happened - the boundary is set. I have communicated my truth. Next time a simple "No thanks, I don't do that anymore" will be the response. But knowing my lad, having set the boundary, it will not be crossed again. Not by him anyway.
There are a few more people in my life I need to set a proactive boundary with. I know who they are and I'm going to do so ahead of time, BEFORE this happens with them. Anyone else, it'll be easy because I really have grown a lot in terms of that insecurity stuff. I honestly hadn't expected it to hit me with my son like it did. It was a sneak attack.
Walkin' on.
Day two has been productive and present and positive. Day two is reaffirmation. Day two oughta be Day 17, but I'm not going to stress over that. This was an important self-teaching moment. And it was also an important moment for my son. I'm sure he won't talk about it, but I'm equally sure it has made an impression that will one day be part of his own reckoning.
I feel good about what happened. I know that will be controversial - but had it not happened, maybe it was bound to happen. Now that it has happened - the boundary is set. I have communicated my truth. Next time a simple "No thanks, I don't do that anymore" will be the response. But knowing my lad, having set the boundary, it will not be crossed again. Not by him anyway.
There are a few more people in my life I need to set a proactive boundary with. I know who they are and I'm going to do so ahead of time, BEFORE this happens with them. Anyone else, it'll be easy because I really have grown a lot in terms of that insecurity stuff. I honestly hadn't expected it to hit me with my son like it did. It was a sneak attack.
Walkin' on.
Day two has been productive and present and positive. Day two is reaffirmation. Day two oughta be Day 17, but I'm not going to stress over that. This was an important self-teaching moment. And it was also an important moment for my son. I'm sure he won't talk about it, but I'm equally sure it has made an impression that will one day be part of his own reckoning.
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I know it’s tough to hear criticism and I commend you for taking it in the spirit in which it is meant Free Owl...
I was able to give others great advice but was always able to find loopholes for myself to keep getting high.
I didn’t like when other pointed this out...I wanted to be that wise old guy not the perpetual **** up...but people reacted to what I did, not the quality of the advice I sometimes offered but didn’t take
We can argue that reducing use is better than using all the time - that’s another topic....we can argue that the ends justify the means and that only today clean and sober counts...but for me walking the walk means continuously listening to my own and others good advice.
If I stop listening at any time and relapse I’m no longer walking the walk and that's the sign that I need to remedy that.
I really hope you have now
D
I was able to give others great advice but was always able to find loopholes for myself to keep getting high.
I didn’t like when other pointed this out...I wanted to be that wise old guy not the perpetual **** up...but people reacted to what I did, not the quality of the advice I sometimes offered but didn’t take
We can argue that reducing use is better than using all the time - that’s another topic....we can argue that the ends justify the means and that only today clean and sober counts...but for me walking the walk means continuously listening to my own and others good advice.
If I stop listening at any time and relapse I’m no longer walking the walk and that's the sign that I need to remedy that.
I really hope you have now
D
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me too, D!!!
I thought that I had.
Just goes to show, it takes the same vigilance and the same commitment as does leaving alcohol.
Yesterday afternoon, I was doing some work in my basement and moving around some gardening towers we have. They are for vegetables. We put them out on the deck in summer. but a friend of mine uses them to grow Marijuana.
I caught myself feeling almost sad that I 'couldn't' grow marijuana in them.
Examining that, I saw myself having those silly pangs of feeling 'not good enough'.
It's remarkable how potent that deeply-held fear seems to be. In that moment, I didn't want to USE marijunana. I didn't feel any urge to get high. I just felt myself quietly, inwardly seeking to rationalize how I could be like everyone else..... and be able to grow weed because you can now.
There's clearly more work to be done in self love and acceptance. Which is actually surprising because I've worked on that for so long, felt I've made so much progress. But, perhaps trauma is like grief and never really 'goes away' but becomes a part of us and something we just need to accept.
Like - I tend to have this slight edge of 'I'm not good enough' that walks with me even though I know that is untrue. My addict brain loves to use that, weaponize it.
Anyway - Day Three again and today will be a clean, sober, present, cannabis-free day as I continue to step forward in my life.
I don't want weed. I don't want alcohol. I want my life.
I thought that I had.
Just goes to show, it takes the same vigilance and the same commitment as does leaving alcohol.
Yesterday afternoon, I was doing some work in my basement and moving around some gardening towers we have. They are for vegetables. We put them out on the deck in summer. but a friend of mine uses them to grow Marijuana.
I caught myself feeling almost sad that I 'couldn't' grow marijuana in them.
Examining that, I saw myself having those silly pangs of feeling 'not good enough'.
It's remarkable how potent that deeply-held fear seems to be. In that moment, I didn't want to USE marijunana. I didn't feel any urge to get high. I just felt myself quietly, inwardly seeking to rationalize how I could be like everyone else..... and be able to grow weed because you can now.
There's clearly more work to be done in self love and acceptance. Which is actually surprising because I've worked on that for so long, felt I've made so much progress. But, perhaps trauma is like grief and never really 'goes away' but becomes a part of us and something we just need to accept.
Like - I tend to have this slight edge of 'I'm not good enough' that walks with me even though I know that is untrue. My addict brain loves to use that, weaponize it.
Anyway - Day Three again and today will be a clean, sober, present, cannabis-free day as I continue to step forward in my life.
I don't want weed. I don't want alcohol. I want my life.
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day three pretty much at an end... it's been a productively-busy one from dawn til well past dusk.
Sharp, engaged, present and happy.
I did impulse buy a mountain dew and a bag of cool ranch Doritos on the way home. Processed foods and sugar are another domain of addiction that plagues me. Along with Caffeine.
I once spent several days alone in the desert eating nothing and only drinking water... fasting and being wholly present... meditating and alcohol and drug free..... that was the most free and unencumbered I can recall being in my life.
Makes me really feel that addiction is a modern-life response in a lot of ways. Like, living this modern life lends toward addictions because it thrusts so many at us at such velocity whilst simultaneously wearing us down with its demands.
The modern day peaceful warrior zenwalker has a pretty tremendous challenge.
Maybe that's the caffeine talking.
Or maybe not.
Sharp, engaged, present and happy.
I did impulse buy a mountain dew and a bag of cool ranch Doritos on the way home. Processed foods and sugar are another domain of addiction that plagues me. Along with Caffeine.
I once spent several days alone in the desert eating nothing and only drinking water... fasting and being wholly present... meditating and alcohol and drug free..... that was the most free and unencumbered I can recall being in my life.
Makes me really feel that addiction is a modern-life response in a lot of ways. Like, living this modern life lends toward addictions because it thrusts so many at us at such velocity whilst simultaneously wearing us down with its demands.
The modern day peaceful warrior zenwalker has a pretty tremendous challenge.
Maybe that's the caffeine talking.
Or maybe not.
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Originally Posted by Pacoloco
Almost everyone knows what has to be done.
Almost no one actually does it.
But remember: progress, not perfection. Sugar, caffeine, I get it. But first things first.
You can do it.
Almost no one actually does it.
But remember: progress, not perfection. Sugar, caffeine, I get it. But first things first.
You can do it.
Day Four.... STILL DOIN' IT!!
Sober, Cannabis-Free and grateful.
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I think life was harder in previous eras, just as stressful and maybe even more so.
Maybe the problem is we have more downtime to think self indulgently about ourselves and our ‘stuff’ now.
When you get it, the happy realisation is ... you can live in recovery in modern life
D
Maybe the problem is we have more downtime to think self indulgently about ourselves and our ‘stuff’ now.
When you get it, the happy realisation is ... you can live in recovery in modern life
D
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Makes me really feel that addiction is a modern-life response in a lot of ways. Like, living this modern life lends toward addictions because it thrusts so many at us at such velocity whilst simultaneously wearing us down with its demands.
Congrats on the sober days, glad you’re back on track
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Another day FIVE - began at 4am.... woke in the night a lot. Worked a long hard day from 4am until now, 10:22. Gorged on one meal today.... a far too large hamburger, fries, cheese curds and soda. Regretting that.
But cannabis free, sober, drug free.... apart from antidepressants and a LOT of junk food.
But cannabis free, sober, drug free.... apart from antidepressants and a LOT of junk food.
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Morning of Day Six.
Which is actually, in a way, Day 20.... apart from that stupid gummy choice.
But I'll not lament it, it is what it is.
I'm noticing a lot of improvements in life already.
But I'm also noticing that I'm definitely not living in balance and my addictive obsession is shining its spotlight on work. In part, that's a good thing. I started a business in 2020 and it's been on the ropes ever since due to the pandemic's impact. Now, over the past month, hope has returned, momentum has returned, but it's a near-constant thing. Is this addiction or is this simply the reality of entrepreneurship. My fellow entrepreneurs are very familiar with the story of 90-120 hour weeks in the first few years.
What I can say is that whether that's 'Normal' or not.... it's an interesting parallel to alcohol or drug addiction. I see myself neglecting my wellness and my 'balance' with a consuming focus on the business.
Bit of a ramble, but I want to keep this in my awareness. Where does the line of 'I'm doing what I must do to get this business off the ground', slide through a grey area and over into "I have replaced alcohol and drugs with dangerously unhealthy work-a-holism"?
Anyone have experience or thoughts there?
I'm asking my higher power for help every day.... asking for guidance.... consciously opening to help.... I'm seeking to remain present.... I'm helping with the little things and remembering to be there for my wife and kids as much as I'm able around the heavy demands of this business.... and all in all it does feel really positive and hopeful and good. Rewarding.
Exhausting. but way better than the haze of marijuana.
Happy clean and sober day, all
Which is actually, in a way, Day 20.... apart from that stupid gummy choice.
But I'll not lament it, it is what it is.
I'm noticing a lot of improvements in life already.
But I'm also noticing that I'm definitely not living in balance and my addictive obsession is shining its spotlight on work. In part, that's a good thing. I started a business in 2020 and it's been on the ropes ever since due to the pandemic's impact. Now, over the past month, hope has returned, momentum has returned, but it's a near-constant thing. Is this addiction or is this simply the reality of entrepreneurship. My fellow entrepreneurs are very familiar with the story of 90-120 hour weeks in the first few years.
What I can say is that whether that's 'Normal' or not.... it's an interesting parallel to alcohol or drug addiction. I see myself neglecting my wellness and my 'balance' with a consuming focus on the business.
Bit of a ramble, but I want to keep this in my awareness. Where does the line of 'I'm doing what I must do to get this business off the ground', slide through a grey area and over into "I have replaced alcohol and drugs with dangerously unhealthy work-a-holism"?
Anyone have experience or thoughts there?
I'm asking my higher power for help every day.... asking for guidance.... consciously opening to help.... I'm seeking to remain present.... I'm helping with the little things and remembering to be there for my wife and kids as much as I'm able around the heavy demands of this business.... and all in all it does feel really positive and hopeful and good. Rewarding.
Exhausting. but way better than the haze of marijuana.
Happy clean and sober day, all
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Hey freeowl
Congrats on day 6 and all your determination along the way, I've been quiet here but I have been following the threads here.
Not much advice on the work front apart from I understand, my partner runs his own business and is very much deep in it and has been for the last 5 years since getting started. Lately though he is realising its important to share the demands, so now he has staff to help and he has a process so everyone has their responsibilities. And eventually run the business in a way that will give him more freedom later down the line. But I know with just starting out it takes time to build up to having staff, it can be a one man band for a while. Just try to make time for yourself & family even if it's quiet time for dinner and bedtime routines. It's great that your business is bouncing back though with the pandemic, that's great I wish u all the success.
Congrats on day 6 and all your determination along the way, I've been quiet here but I have been following the threads here.
Not much advice on the work front apart from I understand, my partner runs his own business and is very much deep in it and has been for the last 5 years since getting started. Lately though he is realising its important to share the demands, so now he has staff to help and he has a process so everyone has their responsibilities. And eventually run the business in a way that will give him more freedom later down the line. But I know with just starting out it takes time to build up to having staff, it can be a one man band for a while. Just try to make time for yourself & family even if it's quiet time for dinner and bedtime routines. It's great that your business is bouncing back though with the pandemic, that's great I wish u all the success.
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Originally Posted by Lpg
Hey freeowl
Congrats on day 6 and all your determination along the way, I've been quiet here but I have been following the threads here.
Not much advice on the work front apart from I understand, my partner runs his own business and is very much deep in it and has been for the last 5 years since getting started. Lately though he is realising its important to share the demands, so now he has staff to help and he has a process so everyone has their responsibilities. And eventually run the business in a way that will give him more freedom later down the line. But I know with just starting out it takes time to build up to having staff, it can be a one man band for a while. Just try to make time for yourself & family even if it's quiet time for dinner and bedtime routines. It's great that your business is bouncing back though with the pandemic, that's great I wish u all the success.
Congrats on day 6 and all your determination along the way, I've been quiet here but I have been following the threads here.
Not much advice on the work front apart from I understand, my partner runs his own business and is very much deep in it and has been for the last 5 years since getting started. Lately though he is realising its important to share the demands, so now he has staff to help and he has a process so everyone has their responsibilities. And eventually run the business in a way that will give him more freedom later down the line. But I know with just starting out it takes time to build up to having staff, it can be a one man band for a while. Just try to make time for yourself & family even if it's quiet time for dinner and bedtime routines. It's great that your business is bouncing back though with the pandemic, that's great I wish u all the success.
Thank you so much! Yes, we're still early days and unfortunately the pandemic's impact pounded us so hard that we nearly lost it all. At one point I had a $50k payroll expense every two weeks..... had to lay off all my staff in December. I'm back to one staff member - plus my wife and I full time plus.... and a team of folks who pitch in where they can. With luck, prayer, hard work and the Spirit's grace - I hope in the next couple of years to be able to build it back up and have the ability to have more systems and staff in place. This is the life of the entrepreneur, it's a hard go even in the best of times!!
I appreciate your comments... as with recovery it's always good to know one isn't alone!
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I don't run a business but I have to make sure my life is in balance.
I actually like working hard, but when I'm working so hard I feel the need to justify embracing oblivion to turn my brain off or escaping my responsibilities 'just for a night' by getting high, that's a clear sign I'm not only out of balance but I'm not living healthily and I'm in imminent danger of feeding my addiction.
I can't do everything - no one can - and if I think no one can do my job like I can, I'm in danger of forcing myself into that indispensable corner where I never stop working unless I knock myself out to stand down and take a break.
so I delegate where I can. I surround myself with good people who i know can pick up the slack and clean up their own mess.
I make reasonable lists of what I can do each day and I force myself to rest and relax and practice self care.
Its the old oxygen masks on the plane thing - I need to put my mask on first so I can continue to help others.
D
I actually like working hard, but when I'm working so hard I feel the need to justify embracing oblivion to turn my brain off or escaping my responsibilities 'just for a night' by getting high, that's a clear sign I'm not only out of balance but I'm not living healthily and I'm in imminent danger of feeding my addiction.
I can't do everything - no one can - and if I think no one can do my job like I can, I'm in danger of forcing myself into that indispensable corner where I never stop working unless I knock myself out to stand down and take a break.
so I delegate where I can. I surround myself with good people who i know can pick up the slack and clean up their own mess.
I make reasonable lists of what I can do each day and I force myself to rest and relax and practice self care.
Its the old oxygen masks on the plane thing - I need to put my mask on first so I can continue to help others.
D
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Posts: 983
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Thank you so much! Yes, we're still early days and unfortunately the pandemic's impact pounded us so hard that we nearly lost it all. At one point I had a $50k payroll expense every two weeks..... had to lay off all my staff in December. I'm back to one staff member - plus my wife and I full time plus.... and a team of folks who pitch in where they can. With luck, prayer, hard work and the Spirit's grace - I hope in the next couple of years to be able to build it back up and have the ability to have more systems and staff in place. This is the life of the entrepreneur, it's a hard go even in the best of times!!
I appreciate your comments... as with recovery it's always good to know one isn't alone!
I appreciate your comments... as with recovery it's always good to know one isn't alone!
& defo not alone here
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thank you both.... I appreciate your support and reminders and hey..... HERE'S TO DAY 7.
off to get my covid vaccine this morning. but first, the SUNRISE!!!
and a little commune with Spirit to seek help in this day, to give thanks and to embrace my clean and sober cannabis-free life.
off to get my covid vaccine this morning. but first, the SUNRISE!!!
and a little commune with Spirit to seek help in this day, to give thanks and to embrace my clean and sober cannabis-free life.
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Thanks, Dee!!! Last night, the northern lights came out and we watched them beneath a breathtaking night sky of ten zillion stars as a family.
This morning, my eldest daughter and I went sunrising together out on the ice shelves of the lake and I talked with her about my own sense of spirit, of higher power, of self-esteem and how all these things connect to our overall wellness in the world. She'd been talking the night before about her struggles with relationships as she tries to navigate that period of teen-hood that we all know so well, when our selves are shaped and challenged.
These moments of life, of spirit, of beautiful presence - are the reasons that being sober and drug-free are so important.
To BE in these moments is the most rewarding and cherished experience of life.
It's the simple but deeply powerful, the divine and the beautiful.
No 'buzz' compares.
No 'high' can come close to these heights.
Day Eight begins.
This morning, my eldest daughter and I went sunrising together out on the ice shelves of the lake and I talked with her about my own sense of spirit, of higher power, of self-esteem and how all these things connect to our overall wellness in the world. She'd been talking the night before about her struggles with relationships as she tries to navigate that period of teen-hood that we all know so well, when our selves are shaped and challenged.
These moments of life, of spirit, of beautiful presence - are the reasons that being sober and drug-free are so important.
To BE in these moments is the most rewarding and cherished experience of life.
It's the simple but deeply powerful, the divine and the beautiful.
No 'buzz' compares.
No 'high' can come close to these heights.
Day Eight begins.
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