Anatomy of a bad decision
 

Well. I wake today to a New Day One. Having recently attained a milestone of 10 days cannabis-free, I encountered another ***** in my own cannabis-free commitment.

It was a stress-free day, in many respects. I spent time with a friend, giving her counsel on an upcoming job interview. I spent the afternoon with my wife and daughter, engaging with horses and watching my wife learn to drive a horse... something she'd been wanting to learn for a while now.

We came home and binge-watched a Netflix series together.

And then, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, I recalled a couple of edible gummies in a 'stash' I'd forgotten about. I mulled the matter for only moments. There was a debate in my head. There was an almost subconscious rationalizing..... and then I did the age-old "it's not THAT big a deal, to heck with it" move and consumed the damn things as though it were just as straightforward as drinking a glass of water.

As I look back on that choice, I see the reflections of a sense of "I've done great.... this won't be a tragedy....". "It's a weekend evening, we're just chilling, there's no real harm....". "I mean, ONE day out of ELEVEN isn't a PROBLEM, after all".

Odd think is, I don't recall really consciously or intentionally having those conversations.

Almost immediately upon eating those things, I thought of this community. I felt disappointed in myself. I spent a couple of hours continuing to watch TV with my wife and vaguely feeling like a failure, having an inner dialogue over whether to 'tell on myself'. Then I went to bed.

At least I slept well.... but I woke this morning disappointed in myself, a little bleary-headed and dull, and feeling regret.

I celebrate that milestone of 10 days today..... I gather myself up from the disappointment..... and I'm back to the business of recovery.

Those ten days got better and better. I saw positive things happening in my life around me. The evidence was clear. And yet, I dropped my guard willfully in the moment.

I still have work to do, beginning with working to clear the regret. A slight bit of shame. The edge of a sense of failure and futility.

Thanks for being here you guys......

Hey FO, too bad but that’s the way it goes sometimes. I’ve lit many many joints thinking: I don’t even feel like getting high, why am I doing this? And whoosh went the lighter...

I hope this was just a little mishap for you and I hope you can stick to doing what makes you happy. In the end, it’s that what counts.

Best of luck to you and if there’s something we can do for you: reach out.

Thanks man.... I'm back on it. I am not going to let this take me down or backtrack or derail me and my presence and my blessings.

Too many positives have reinforced that leaving cannabis behind. I want to be free of it. ONWARD!!!!

FreeOwl - I can't tell you how much I appreciate & admire your honesty. I really doubt I'd have told on myself. It's such a healthy thing to do.
I remember the last (and worst) time I caved & drank again. I barely gave it any thought - grabbed those drinks without even putting up a fight. It's frightening to discover we're that close to disaster.

Thankful for you, FreeOwl.

yeah the only way I did it was to make sure there was nothing in the house and I stayed away folks who smoked/edibled etc
If it was there, I'd have it before I'd argued against it.

I know its legal where you Are but so's alcohol and you have several sober years on you with that.

Its the same deal man. There is harm being done.

D

Thanks, Dee.... yes. What this made me realize is I also need to (and this seems obvious, but I never actually did it) make a rule: If I run across some leftover cannabis product - IT GOES IN THE TRASH.

I'm making today Day One because yesterday was still fuzzy headed all morning and most of the afternoon. Those edibles have legs....

It's a bummer but I chalk it up to another lesson. It was a good opportunity to re-observe a few things from a 10 days clean perspective. Those include:

How much time I wasted - by being high and just laying around, by being scatterbrained and un-focused on the tasks at hand, by not really being 'there' with my wife.

How my cognition was effected - it's not 'opening up' anything like I told myself most of my life.... it's blunting things. It might 'feel like' opening something up in my mind or whatever, but that's really just rationalization.

In reality, I still have more work to do on my emotional / spiritual state.

Today, I'm feeling tired, but pretty good. And should I discover any further remnants of that crap - out it goes!

I did actively consider NOT telling..... but then I knew I needed to.

My hardest to break addiction was my addiction to putting food in my mouth in response to ...everything.

I really struggled with sweets.

When I first started trying to eat sweets moderately I would still buy them.

There was no way on God's green earth I could teach myself to just have a little. I really tried. For years I tried.

As with cigarettes I couldn't just, "Throw it away," I had to pour soapy water all over those cookies before they went in the trash. There was more than one time I pulled cigarettes or candy out of the garbage.

Maybe your pot needs the same treatment. "Out, Damn pot."

Yes.... Zero or a thousand.

ten days was really good.

Day Two again, is less good... but still, I'm grateful.

Day Two is Awesome.

It means you've made the next right choice for one whole sleep.

:hug:

Thanks Bimini!!!!

blergh. it sure is frustrating reading back over previous screw ups and seeing myself having simply done it again.

Thanks, Dee.... very apropos this morning.

I AM READY FOR FREEDOM AND SERENITY.

Now.

and..... again.

shite.