Auburnazd

I was a smoker for 20 years and went through many boughts of trauma during that time. I used the weed to numb my feelings and help me avoid the emotions related to the trauma. I am not one to be shy about my trauma so I will admit it includes rape, abusive relationship, the loss of my father, my child, and seven other close people in my life. All of that trauma is now coming to the surface now that I am almost three years sober. I just don’t know how to handle it all. I see a psychologist and psychiatrist and have seen a grief counselor for two years In the past but now that I don’t smoke, all my emotions are raw. Does anyone have any suggestions or stories on how they made it through these tough times? My doctors, family, and friends say it will get better with time but i’ve Always thought time is a bad four letter word. I need to know how to deal with the now. Thanks in advance to anyone that can help!

FlyingDutchMan

Welcome to SR

That's a lot to digest. I think it's a good thing you're trying to conquer all this sober. I have no hands on experience with dealing with these kinds of events, so I am reluctant to give you advice, especially since you're already in the hands of professionals.

What benefits me greatly is excersize. Cardio excersize to be more precise. Long bike rides. They put me in a sort of a trance. I am able to think about stuff with a certain distance and everything just seems to make sense. But I need to get in an hour or more before that starts to kick in. Afterwards I feel very content, maybe I am too tired to think too much then. I can imagine the same thing happening on long hikes.

lynnmarie123

Welcome to the forum Auburnazd.
I am in the same boat as FlyingDutchMan.
I have no experience with what you have gone through and can only agree that you being in the hands of professional care is your best bet.
The only advice I can give is; don't pick up again. There is no situation where smoking and drinking will help anything.
Wishing you the best.

Auburnazd

FlyingDutchMan

Something that popped into my mind, while I was riding my bike in the woods today Have you ever discussed EMDR with your doctors? Supposedly it is very effective in treating traumas.

Auburnazd

Dee74

Welcome Auburnazd

I can't better the suggestions above except to reiterate that I think it's great you're facing your past with courage, clean and sober.

We'll support you every step of the way

D

Sissyfuss

I've experienced a great deal of trauma in my life, Auburnazd. Aerobic exercise is definitely therapeutic , and endorphins are natures tranquilizers without the hangover. What also helped was avoiding pity parties and writing forgiveness letters to those who wronged me. I have accepted my fate, that I didn't get happily ever after but I'm trying to enjoy my life best that I can.

Auburnazd

My problem is for the first time In my life biking/exercise isn’t giving me the serotonin/dopamine that it used to. I get on depressed or anxious and I get off no better. I just don’t get it. I guess It’s all because I’ve been 20 years of hiding behind the marijuana and I don’t know how to process all these emotions. It’s embarrassing to admit that I have these “manic” moments. Some days are going well but then there are days that are so so soooo bad. Besides seeing my doctors and excercising, I journal and enjoy these forums but don’t know what else to do. Honestly my Dr. has prescribed me Xanax but I am afraid that is going to get out of control so it scares me. Is anyone else prescribed Benzos for anxiety? It seems from the responses I’ve gotten so far, that no one has gone through the loss that I have, which I think drives a lot of my anxiety and depression. It sure was what made me rely on weed. Thanks again to anyone who has anything positive to say!

Dee74

Give yourself a little time Auburnazd...if you smoked for decades like me, your brain chemistry is probably a little futzed up...it will get better...don't lose heart

what do your counsellor and psych say?

I had a lot of trauma to work through - different to yours maybe -I did a little counselling - just enough to help me work out what to do next.

D

Auburnazd

FlyingDutchMan

Hey Auburnazd, sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. It's frustrating when the tools you use no longer work. I think it's worth a big compliment that you haven't relapsed under these conditions. Maybe it's good to acknowlegde that smoking would not really help you in any way. Sure, it numbs and sedates but is progress actually being made? I feel for you! I quit and expected a heaven-like state all year around, but found myself depressed for the first time in my life. It lasted only a week and I cannot imagine what it must be like to battle it all the time. I really hope that you can find a way of processing all the things you went through.

Dee74

Its not TMI - I'm really sorry you have to deal with such pain. I don;t think there's any guidelines to how long these things take or what we should do...but I d know that smoking on long held pain, trying to numb ourselves just keeps the wound fresh...when the numbness wears off (if it works at all) it hurts again.

I think you're on the right road for dealing with your pain in a healthy and permanent way

D