I'm back! (And that's a great thing)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
I'm back! (And that's a great thing)
Hi all,
Writing on this forum because last time I was active here (over 4 years ago now), I found this area to be the place where I felt most at home as my DOC has always been weed.
In spring of 2014, my husband and I quit drinking and smoking as there was a legal incident that scared both of us silly. Hubs is more of a drinker than a smoker, so he began attending AA and I primarily used these forums at that time.
Things went really well for us...for about two and a half months. I got a new job that summer and we found ourselves with some extra money, which quickly turned into us smoking again "just for a night." Needless to say, that snowballed and within another couple of months we were still not drinking, but back to smoking close to $200 of weed every few weeks.
From then on, I told myself two things (both lies)....#1 that I NEEDED the weed in order to be mentally healthy. With the growing popularity of dispensaries (I live in a state where it's medicinally legal and recreational is likely on the dockets for 2020) and the great PR the drug has received, I'd convinced myself the stuff was medicine. #2 I told myself that this was the "better option," that hubs would likely not relapse on alcohol if he at least was able to smoke. My friends, that was not the case either. Not only did he (as most addicts unfortunately do) have a handful of one-day relapses over the years, but in 2017, decided to begin "casually" drinking again.
This relapse in 2017 turned into both of us drinking and smoking together again, and before long, things were starting to feel the way they did before it all turned to **** in 2014. The only differences were that there were no legal issues forcing us to stop, and that our financial problems didn't feel as pressing.
Fast forward to this past fall. By this time, we'd both discussed that our casual drinking had gotten out of hand and agreed to stop. Well, on our 5 year wedding anniversary, my husband secretly bought a bottle and got drunk enough to pass out and ruin what should have been a really special night. After that, he promised the drinking would stop.
Since then, I admit there were a couple of nights that we chose to drink together anyway. We did, however, quit smoking a few days before Thanksgiving, something that we have both stuck to. I'm very happy about that, and proud I've made it this long. However, my resolve has been shaky as of late, because....
...two nights ago, I discovered a stash over about 14 empty alcohol bottles. Turns out, my husband, who's been dealing with his depression (he was clinically diagnosed before we met) and recent unemployment (his most recent workplace closed) by drinking. I feel so stupid, because I honestly had no idea...last time, the drinking problem was very blatant, very obvious. How did I not know this time??? The worst part is that since he was unemployed, money that I was working hard for was being used.
So we obviously had a long talk and his parents got involved, as they are a huge support system for him. He broke down, realizing that he needs to get back into a program with AA...it has been years now since he's attended a meeting, as there was a point (when we were both high all the time duh) where we told ourselves he didn't need AA anymore. What's funny as he'd been casually mentioning AA to me over the past month or so, saying he wants to go because the meetings helped his mental health all those years ago...I found it odd as I thought he wasn't really actively drinking (outside the handful of times we imbibed together)...now I see that was almost a cry for help from him. Since this discovery, he's already attended one meeting and has another one tonight, and another tomorrow. He's basically starting out with a meeting every single day, something he didn't even do the first time we got sober, at least not after he got out of an IOP therapy that lasted a month.
So while I'm happy about him taking his addiction seriously and proud of the steps he's made so far, my resolve to not hide away and smoke has been pretty shaky. I think about before, and how I convinced myself that by smoking I'd eliminate the other problems, the other addictions. And the stupid AV in my brain is like "yeah, yeah, you're right...you'll feel better if you smoke."
I HAVEN'T done that yet, and financially speaking, cannot afford to do that at all. I guess I'm just using this thread to vent, because I really could use the support to stay strong. In four days, I'll have two months clean from pot again, and I want to surpass the record I had last time I was active on these forums. I think I can do it, but support obviously helps!!!
For the record, I'm also looking into Al-Anon, as I think it'll help me understand my husband more as he continues his AA journey. I also have a history of alcoholism in my family, so alcohol has caused me a lot of trauma basically for my entire life.
Sorry this was so long. This is the first place I'm speaking about this outside with my husband and his parents. If you've made it this far into my story, you deserve a medal.
XO
Writing on this forum because last time I was active here (over 4 years ago now), I found this area to be the place where I felt most at home as my DOC has always been weed.
In spring of 2014, my husband and I quit drinking and smoking as there was a legal incident that scared both of us silly. Hubs is more of a drinker than a smoker, so he began attending AA and I primarily used these forums at that time.
Things went really well for us...for about two and a half months. I got a new job that summer and we found ourselves with some extra money, which quickly turned into us smoking again "just for a night." Needless to say, that snowballed and within another couple of months we were still not drinking, but back to smoking close to $200 of weed every few weeks.
From then on, I told myself two things (both lies)....#1 that I NEEDED the weed in order to be mentally healthy. With the growing popularity of dispensaries (I live in a state where it's medicinally legal and recreational is likely on the dockets for 2020) and the great PR the drug has received, I'd convinced myself the stuff was medicine. #2 I told myself that this was the "better option," that hubs would likely not relapse on alcohol if he at least was able to smoke. My friends, that was not the case either. Not only did he (as most addicts unfortunately do) have a handful of one-day relapses over the years, but in 2017, decided to begin "casually" drinking again.
This relapse in 2017 turned into both of us drinking and smoking together again, and before long, things were starting to feel the way they did before it all turned to **** in 2014. The only differences were that there were no legal issues forcing us to stop, and that our financial problems didn't feel as pressing.
Fast forward to this past fall. By this time, we'd both discussed that our casual drinking had gotten out of hand and agreed to stop. Well, on our 5 year wedding anniversary, my husband secretly bought a bottle and got drunk enough to pass out and ruin what should have been a really special night. After that, he promised the drinking would stop.
Since then, I admit there were a couple of nights that we chose to drink together anyway. We did, however, quit smoking a few days before Thanksgiving, something that we have both stuck to. I'm very happy about that, and proud I've made it this long. However, my resolve has been shaky as of late, because....
...two nights ago, I discovered a stash over about 14 empty alcohol bottles. Turns out, my husband, who's been dealing with his depression (he was clinically diagnosed before we met) and recent unemployment (his most recent workplace closed) by drinking. I feel so stupid, because I honestly had no idea...last time, the drinking problem was very blatant, very obvious. How did I not know this time??? The worst part is that since he was unemployed, money that I was working hard for was being used.
So we obviously had a long talk and his parents got involved, as they are a huge support system for him. He broke down, realizing that he needs to get back into a program with AA...it has been years now since he's attended a meeting, as there was a point (when we were both high all the time duh) where we told ourselves he didn't need AA anymore. What's funny as he'd been casually mentioning AA to me over the past month or so, saying he wants to go because the meetings helped his mental health all those years ago...I found it odd as I thought he wasn't really actively drinking (outside the handful of times we imbibed together)...now I see that was almost a cry for help from him. Since this discovery, he's already attended one meeting and has another one tonight, and another tomorrow. He's basically starting out with a meeting every single day, something he didn't even do the first time we got sober, at least not after he got out of an IOP therapy that lasted a month.
So while I'm happy about him taking his addiction seriously and proud of the steps he's made so far, my resolve to not hide away and smoke has been pretty shaky. I think about before, and how I convinced myself that by smoking I'd eliminate the other problems, the other addictions. And the stupid AV in my brain is like "yeah, yeah, you're right...you'll feel better if you smoke."
I HAVEN'T done that yet, and financially speaking, cannot afford to do that at all. I guess I'm just using this thread to vent, because I really could use the support to stay strong. In four days, I'll have two months clean from pot again, and I want to surpass the record I had last time I was active on these forums. I think I can do it, but support obviously helps!!!
For the record, I'm also looking into Al-Anon, as I think it'll help me understand my husband more as he continues his AA journey. I also have a history of alcoholism in my family, so alcohol has caused me a lot of trauma basically for my entire life.
Sorry this was so long. This is the first place I'm speaking about this outside with my husband and his parents. If you've made it this far into my story, you deserve a medal.
XO
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
I just realized that the title of this thread may give the wrong impression! When I say it's a "great thing" that I'm back, I don't mean it's great what's going on in my life hahaha....I'm just really proud of myself for seeking support again!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Welcome back Mrs Bee - for what it's worth I always think it's a great thing when people come back 
I'm glad your husband is taking his recovery seriously now...I think you should do the same - there's something life affirming and inherently positive about doing the right thing
D
I'm glad your husband is taking his recovery seriously now...I think you should do the same - there's something life affirming and inherently positive about doing the right thing
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
A warm welcome to you, it's a good thing you came to this site!
I think it is no miracle that your resolve has been a little shaky lately. A lot of stuff has been happening and the two-to-three-month-mark has proven to be a difficult time in general, at last it has been for me on every single quitting attempt (if I even made it that far).
It's easy for me to say: just pull through. But I know it can be hard. Just know that the romantic thought of smoking is probably way nicer than the smoking itself. You will probably feel guilty after relapsing. I didn't feel very happy when I did. It may silence the AV for a moment, but it will bring a whole world of different problems and negative thoughts. It's just not worth it, and the longer you will stay off it, the easier it gets.
Hope you can stay strong and looking forward to your next update!
I think it is no miracle that your resolve has been a little shaky lately. A lot of stuff has been happening and the two-to-three-month-mark has proven to be a difficult time in general, at last it has been for me on every single quitting attempt (if I even made it that far).
It's easy for me to say: just pull through. But I know it can be hard. Just know that the romantic thought of smoking is probably way nicer than the smoking itself. You will probably feel guilty after relapsing. I didn't feel very happy when I did. It may silence the AV for a moment, but it will bring a whole world of different problems and negative thoughts. It's just not worth it, and the longer you will stay off it, the easier it gets.
Hope you can stay strong and looking forward to your next update!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Dee and Dutchman, thanks so much for the support and encouraging words!!!
I keep telling myself that the thought of smoking is definitely more enticing than actually doing it! And remembering how pleased I was before, when I had money to use or save that I'd never have had it gone towards weed. Remembering how, when I am actively smoking, the feeling of desperation and depression when I run out (or even am about to run out) is so not worth it!
I'm glad to be back here on this forum It truly helps!
I keep telling myself that the thought of smoking is definitely more enticing than actually doing it! And remembering how pleased I was before, when I had money to use or save that I'd never have had it gone towards weed. Remembering how, when I am actively smoking, the feeling of desperation and depression when I run out (or even am about to run out) is so not worth it!
I'm glad to be back here on this forum
It truly helps!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
Welcome to the forum! It's a great place to get and stay sober.
I learned so much when I first joined. The support is amazing.
I give complete credit to this site. I couldn't have done it without it.
Read around the different threads. You'll find we are all quite alike but yet have different ways of getting and remaining clean.
Post often and vent if you need to. I sure did in the early days.
Good luck with your journey!
I learned so much when I first joined. The support is amazing.
I give complete credit to this site. I couldn't have done it without it.
Read around the different threads. You'll find we are all quite alike but yet have different ways of getting and remaining clean.
Post often and vent if you need to. I sure did in the early days.
Good luck with your journey!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 466
Hi MrsBee. Glad to have you.
You seem to have a lot of insight into your situation, which is great. I'm glad things seem to be getting back on track.
One difficult thing I would recommend is to ensure that you're paying attention to your own health more so than your husband's. It's very easy to get into dangerous territory yourself if you don't do this. It's very easy to rationalize slippage if you see yourself as not as bad as another person.
It's great that you're providing your husband with support, but staying clean yourself is probably the best way (if not only) way to truly help him. You guys are clearly a pretty enmeshed unit, but you two are also individuals. He seems to be relatively level-headed, but at the end of the day, his recovery is his own responsibility, just as yours is yours. If he gets/stays sober now but relapses somewhere down the line, you need to ensure that you have the tools and support to avoid going down with him again. In active usage, you guys seem to enable each other, so that needs to be nipped in the bud asap. I'm glad you're willing to go to Al-Anon, as this is a great start. I don't see a reason why you shouldn't go to AA, NA, MA, or CA as well. Again, another great resource.
You seem to have a lot of insight into your situation, which is great. I'm glad things seem to be getting back on track.
One difficult thing I would recommend is to ensure that you're paying attention to your own health more so than your husband's. It's very easy to get into dangerous territory yourself if you don't do this. It's very easy to rationalize slippage if you see yourself as not as bad as another person.
It's great that you're providing your husband with support, but staying clean yourself is probably the best way (if not only) way to truly help him. You guys are clearly a pretty enmeshed unit, but you two are also individuals. He seems to be relatively level-headed, but at the end of the day, his recovery is his own responsibility, just as yours is yours. If he gets/stays sober now but relapses somewhere down the line, you need to ensure that you have the tools and support to avoid going down with him again. In active usage, you guys seem to enable each other, so that needs to be nipped in the bud asap. I'm glad you're willing to go to Al-Anon, as this is a great start. I don't see a reason why you shouldn't go to AA, NA, MA, or CA as well. Again, another great resource.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Originally Posted by racingthoughts 
Hi MrsBee. Glad to have you.
You seem to have a lot of insight into your situation, which is great. I'm glad things seem to be getting back on track.
One difficult thing I would recommend is to ensure that you're paying attention to your own health more so than your husband's. It's very easy to get into dangerous territory yourself if you don't do this. It's very easy to rationalize slippage if you see yourself as not as bad as another person.
It's great that you're providing your husband with support, but staying clean yourself is probably the best way (if not only) way to truly help him. You guys are clearly a pretty enmeshed unit, but you two are also individuals. He seems to be relatively level-headed, but at the end of the day, his recovery is his own responsibility, just as yours is yours. If he gets/stays sober now but relapses somewhere down the line, you need to ensure that you have the tools and support to avoid going down with him again. In active usage, you guys seem to enable each other, so that needs to be nipped in the bud asap. I'm glad you're willing to go to Al-Anon, as this is a great start. I don't see a reason why you shouldn't go to AA, NA, MA, or CA as well. Again, another great resource.
You seem to have a lot of insight into your situation, which is great. I'm glad things seem to be getting back on track.
One difficult thing I would recommend is to ensure that you're paying attention to your own health more so than your husband's. It's very easy to get into dangerous territory yourself if you don't do this. It's very easy to rationalize slippage if you see yourself as not as bad as another person.
It's great that you're providing your husband with support, but staying clean yourself is probably the best way (if not only) way to truly help him. You guys are clearly a pretty enmeshed unit, but you two are also individuals. He seems to be relatively level-headed, but at the end of the day, his recovery is his own responsibility, just as yours is yours. If he gets/stays sober now but relapses somewhere down the line, you need to ensure that you have the tools and support to avoid going down with him again. In active usage, you guys seem to enable each other, so that needs to be nipped in the bud asap. I'm glad you're willing to go to Al-Anon, as this is a great start. I don't see a reason why you shouldn't go to AA, NA, MA, or CA as well. Again, another great resource.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 139
hi- yes about two points that jump out at me from your posts:
1. I agree that thinking about how it will feel to get stoned versus how it feels to actually get stoned is totally different, right? And I remind myself this when I get a craving. Because what I am actually craving is some kind of high- some kind of relief from any kind of negative feeling. and getting stoned doesn't actually provide that relief- or if it does for me it is for like 15 minutes and then it brings the needy greedy addiction twining around life again, and absolutely is not worth it. So I try to acknowledge the craving to feel the high of endorphins or whatever- but to find another way to get it- exercise, or something else- still working that out.
and 2. Your husband- . I am also a woman and married- thankfully for me my husband is not an addict of any thing so I dont have that- but I do know how enmeshed a husband and wife are in eachothers lives ( as they should be). But do not let your husbands addictions bring you back down. that jumped out at me a lot in your posts. He will do what he does and you support him as you can but do not use it as an excuse to continue with your addiction. I am still in the tender early days of sobriety just over 100 days in. And a thirty+ year daily pot smoker. But from where I sit I can say- the habitual use of pot- it is a shady friend. I thought I needed it to be happy. but it is not kind. And the farther I get away from it the more I see its true colors.
Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing and even if your husband is still immersed in his addictions, dont let that pull you back down.
also oh man the hours I spent contacting people, waiting for the bag of pot- driving to get it, spending money on it, obsessing about it while craving while everything else went to the back burner-- even now, I could get it legally now in a pot shop- but then what- sit at home with a bag of pot alone and smoke and sit on the couch all day thinking about some dumb thing- not able to do anything, numbed out and wasted- ugh it doesn't sound fun at all.
1. I agree that thinking about how it will feel to get stoned versus how it feels to actually get stoned is totally different, right? And I remind myself this when I get a craving. Because what I am actually craving is some kind of high- some kind of relief from any kind of negative feeling. and getting stoned doesn't actually provide that relief- or if it does for me it is for like 15 minutes and then it brings the needy greedy addiction twining around life again, and absolutely is not worth it. So I try to acknowledge the craving to feel the high of endorphins or whatever- but to find another way to get it- exercise, or something else- still working that out.
and 2. Your husband- . I am also a woman and married- thankfully for me my husband is not an addict of any thing so I dont have that- but I do know how enmeshed a husband and wife are in eachothers lives ( as they should be). But do not let your husbands addictions bring you back down. that jumped out at me a lot in your posts. He will do what he does and you support him as you can but do not use it as an excuse to continue with your addiction. I am still in the tender early days of sobriety just over 100 days in. And a thirty+ year daily pot smoker. But from where I sit I can say- the habitual use of pot- it is a shady friend. I thought I needed it to be happy. but it is not kind. And the farther I get away from it the more I see its true colors.
Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing and even if your husband is still immersed in his addictions, dont let that pull you back down.
also oh man the hours I spent contacting people, waiting for the bag of pot- driving to get it, spending money on it, obsessing about it while craving while everything else went to the back burner-- even now, I could get it legally now in a pot shop- but then what- sit at home with a bag of pot alone and smoke and sit on the couch all day thinking about some dumb thing- not able to do anything, numbed out and wasted- ugh it doesn't sound fun at all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Hi, Windytown! The advice I've heard most from people here, is also the hardest to apply, which is to focus on ME first, regardless of what happens with my husband. It's the most difficult thing I've had to do, but I also completely understand why it's necessary. Even he tells me that! I guess considering I have codependency issues from one of my parents also just makes that behavior so integral to how I've functioned for so long, I'm unlearning a lifetime of unhealthy coping behaviors.
But I agree. It's time to put myself and my well-being/recovery first.
also oh man the hours I spent contacting people, waiting for the bag of pot- driving to get it, spending money on it, obsessing about it while craving while everything else went to the back burner-- even now, I could get it legally now in a pot shop- but then what- sit at home with a bag of pot alone and smoke and sit on the couch all day thinking about some dumb thing- not able to do anything, numbed out and wasted- ugh it doesn't sound fun at all. But THIS. Man do I relate to this. My obsession with pot has been a huge part of me for over 20 years now. It's kind of sad...and I'm only a couple months clean from it, but already look back on how depressed I'd get the second I ran out and am in disbelief, embarrassed that I let it get to that point. How I was perfectly fine w/ so much of my money going towards that next bag, perfectly fine w/ driving around w/ the stuff after picking it up, etc. I also think a lot about the fact that I could easily obtain a medical card in my state, but I know that the substance itself is just not something I can do. Even legally, I know I'd abuse it.
It's truly a mind**** but I'm fighting against it every day!!!
But I agree. It's time to put myself and my well-being/recovery first.
Originally Posted by Windytown
also oh man the hours I spent contacting people, waiting for the bag of pot- driving to get it, spending money on it, obsessing about it while craving while everything else went to the back burner-- even now, I could get it legally now in a pot shop- but then what- sit at home with a bag of pot alone and smoke and sit on the couch all day thinking about some dumb thing- not able to do anything, numbed out and wasted- ugh it doesn't sound fun at all.
It's truly a mind**** but I'm fighting against it every day!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
"It's kind of sad...and I'm only a couple months clean from it, but already look back on how depressed I'd get the second I ran out and am in disbelief, embarrassed that I let it get to that point. How I was perfectly fine w/ so much of my money going towards that next bag, perfectly fine w/ driving around w/ the stuff after picking it up, etc."
And it so horrible how easily we can slip back into the abuse after being clean a while. The excuses we make. Our AV says, "Oh, it's okay, just this one time...Oh, it's okay, I deserve it..." On and and on.
I hated arguing with my AV. So tiring. The good news is; the more you starve it, the weaker it gets.
Keep fighting the good fight!
And it so horrible how easily we can slip back into the abuse after being clean a while. The excuses we make. Our AV says, "Oh, it's okay, just this one time...Oh, it's okay, I deserve it..." On and and on.
I hated arguing with my AV. So tiring. The good news is; the more you starve it, the weaker it gets.
Keep fighting the good fight!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Lynnmarie, yes! Just this morning I woke up feeling frustrated and depressed. I just paid for multiple car repairs and now have yet another that has sprung up, and the AV I my brain is like "if only we had a way to de-stress." Financially that's not even an option, but it sucks having to fight against those types of thoughts in the first place! Oh well. Just another test
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
It took me a long long time for those thoughts to diminish, but they do become manageable after a reasonable period of time.
After years of daily smoking, we're just so programmed to process anything with weed. Feeling down? Let's light up. Got something to celebrate? Why not smoke a little. Had a rough day at work? Well...you get my point.
It irritated me in the beginning and even later on in the year. The thoughts kept popping up, even if I didn't want to. Days seem to pass without any reward, or so it feels. Please give it some time. I'm much better at seeing things in perspective now that I live a sober life. No more short temper, I shrug when something doesn't work out they way I wanted it to.
We're all here to remind you that it's worth it. Not easy, but worth it!
After years of daily smoking, we're just so programmed to process anything with weed. Feeling down? Let's light up. Got something to celebrate? Why not smoke a little. Had a rough day at work? Well...you get my point.
It irritated me in the beginning and even later on in the year. The thoughts kept popping up, even if I didn't want to. Days seem to pass without any reward, or so it feels. Please give it some time. I'm much better at seeing things in perspective now that I live a sober life. No more short temper, I shrug when something doesn't work out they way I wanted it to.
We're all here to remind you that it's worth it. Not easy, but worth it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Well....going as well as can be expected, considering the recent wallop the universe has dealt me!
Over the past two weeks, our car has undergone a number of repairs, and unfortunately, is still stuck in the driveway and not running. And we are in the Midwest USA where there are record low temps, so it could be a few more days before our car is back to normal. Not to mention, I had a neighbor offer to help repair one of the problems on my car last week...I went ahead and accepted his help, figuring that since he's right across the street and made it seem like the repair I needed was simple/routine, it'd be my best option. Well, a "simple" repair turned into him tinkering around under the hood for two days and making it clear he was in over his head...and at the end of the repair, my car still did not run and this guy kinda just shrugged his shoulders and went about his life.
Meanwhile, bills are due and we are not financially well off to begin with. I've been walking to and from work (thankfully it's only a mile from home!) when I can't get rides.....even during times that my mental health is fantastic, this situation would be extremely distressing. So needless to say, my will has been tested!!!
Not only has the AV in my head tried to tell me that smoking would alleviate some of this stress, but I've also had thoughts of drinking. I HATE IT.
I am really proud that I've resisted this nagging little voice and stayed clean and sober, but man...when it rains it pours. This combo of gross weather, lack of funds, vehicle issues, and everything going on personally is kind of kicking my butt right now.
But. I'm staying positive. Fighting the good fight. Happy that I've been able to keep my goals in sight and stay on the right track.
I'm just sort of ready for the universe to give me a break. I hate throwing pity parties for myself, but sometimes I'm like, seriously??? Why me??? haha
Thanks Dutchman for checking in <3 I appreciate so much all the support this community has to offer.
Over the past two weeks, our car has undergone a number of repairs, and unfortunately, is still stuck in the driveway and not running. And we are in the Midwest USA where there are record low temps, so it could be a few more days before our car is back to normal. Not to mention, I had a neighbor offer to help repair one of the problems on my car last week...I went ahead and accepted his help, figuring that since he's right across the street and made it seem like the repair I needed was simple/routine, it'd be my best option. Well, a "simple" repair turned into him tinkering around under the hood for two days and making it clear he was in over his head...and at the end of the repair, my car still did not run and this guy kinda just shrugged his shoulders and went about his life.
Meanwhile, bills are due and we are not financially well off to begin with. I've been walking to and from work (thankfully it's only a mile from home!) when I can't get rides.....even during times that my mental health is fantastic, this situation would be extremely distressing. So needless to say, my will has been tested!!!
Not only has the AV in my head tried to tell me that smoking would alleviate some of this stress, but I've also had thoughts of drinking. I HATE IT.
I am really proud that I've resisted this nagging little voice and stayed clean and sober, but man...when it rains it pours. This combo of gross weather, lack of funds, vehicle issues, and everything going on personally is kind of kicking my butt right now.
But. I'm staying positive. Fighting the good fight. Happy that I've been able to keep my goals in sight and stay on the right track.
I'm just sort of ready for the universe to give me a break. I hate throwing pity parties for myself, but sometimes I'm like, seriously??? Why me??? haha
Thanks Dutchman for checking in <3 I appreciate so much all the support this community has to offer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
Good for you for sticking with recovery! Sorry the universe is crapping on you. It's gotta get better at some point.
I have often said to myself, "There is no situation where smoking/drinking is going to make this better. There is no occasion when it will be okay for me to do so." Good times or bad times.
A lot of recovery is learning how to deal with life without the crutch of drugs/drink. A lot of times it's just getting through the day without giving in.
Check in more often, even if it's just to vent. We worry about people who are absent for too long.
Well done and take care.
I have often said to myself, "There is no situation where smoking/drinking is going to make this better. There is no occasion when it will be okay for me to do so." Good times or bad times.
A lot of recovery is learning how to deal with life without the crutch of drugs/drink. A lot of times it's just getting through the day without giving in.
Check in more often, even if it's just to vent. We worry about people who are absent for too long.
Well done and take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Thanks, lynnmarie!!!
I will definitely try to check in here more...I'm finding that this, like other coping strategies, is hardest to do when I probably need it the most! This is something that I'm hoping to break through as time passes. It's so hard for me to get out of my own head when I'm feeling frustrated or depressed, and take care of myself or do something that I know will help, rely on support systems, etc.
I will definitely try to check in here more...I'm finding that this, like other coping strategies, is hardest to do when I probably need it the most! This is something that I'm hoping to break through as time passes. It's so hard for me to get out of my own head when I'm feeling frustrated or depressed, and take care of myself or do something that I know will help, rely on support systems, etc.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
Glad to hear you're sticking with your plan Mrsbee, especially when things are a little rough on you. Reminds me of my first sober months. Those were no fun times, even if I had been smoking. Just remind yourself what is best for you in the long run. That's what counts here.
Stay strong!
Stay strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Originally Posted by Dee74
I hope your run of bad luck is behind you MrsBee
So I had left a message with the program director explaining that I didn't have to funds to make my first installment to pay for the course, which starts in March. I had asked for information regarding me taking the class sometime down the line. I was really surprised when he called me and let me know that he can tell I had my heart set on the program and offered to work with me and pay what I can. I was shocked! I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to follow through with this goal right now, but the program director was so nice and accommodating and understanding. This is such a blessing and a relief, because I truly think this program will be helpful towards me living an overall healthier life, mentally and physically.
As for my car, I finally have a trusted mechanic coming to take a look tonight now that the weather is a bit more manageable in our area...I've spoken to him and he thinks that the neighbor who helped me may have replaced a part incorrectly, and that if he did, that alone would cause my car to not start. At worst, we may have to pay for some other part. At best, this mechanic today may just have to re-install the part that he suspects was put on wrong and we'll just have to pay him for the labor (which we are lucky, this guy has helped us in the past and is usually more than fair with labor fees since he's a family friend). Fingers crossed!
Either way, I'm thankful that I have a couple positive things to discuss here. 2019 has been pretty rough on me so far, and I'm hoping that as time passes, I'll have more positives to focus on than negatives.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
